The Bitch is Back

No, not me silly! But, I've missed you, too.

Heather Locklear is back on Melrose Place. Let's party like it's 1999!

Hopefully, a little La Locklear can give a shot in the arm to this slowly dying series. I have only been mildly paying attention since its premiere, and I guess the producers know I'm not the only one. Every week's recaps go so far back you could start watching today and you will be caught up in 90 seconds (which BTW doesn't speak too well of the intricacies of the plot).

The premiere Heather Locklear ep of the NEW (but let's face it, not necessarily improved) Melrose had its highs and lows.

The Highs: God bless her for still pulling off those miniskirts at almost 50. In a related story, I am totally investigating Pilates tomorrow, and never eating carbs again.

And, she's still pulling off those icy zingers like she used to and it's still just as ridiculously cheesy. And as fun.

The Lows: Oh dear, Heather. Methinks you dipped into Meg Ryan's world just a wee bit. It's not the worst alleged plastic surgery I've seen, but that face is looking a little suspiciously poufy in some of the wrong places.

Extra unfortunate that the first commercial break right outta Heather's big debut was for the movie "Old Dogs".

Meow.

To the Nines

It's 09/09/09 and all I can think about is the 90's. What does that mean? Do I need to run out and get a lottery ticket?

Well, the new Melrose premiered last night and I approached it with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Would this remix bring me back to the days when I loved clunky shoes and could drink till all hours in smoky bars on a work night and still wake up fresh and perky?

Um, not really.

Now, to be fair, I watched a bit exhausted after a day of juggling a new job AND the symptoms of a possible case of swine flu. But, from what I could tell within my delirium, this is not your mama's Melrose.

*SPOILERS*
I mean, sure, it's fun to see old pals Sydney and Michael (seriously, what facial products DO they use???), and it wasn't exactly a secret that Syd turns up dead in ep one. But turning Melrose into a season long murder mystery, which is where it seems to be headed, just doesn't do it for me. I don't CARE who killed her because I don't know any of these new people!

I'm going to give it a few episodes just to be sure I'm not writing it off too quick, but I'm sorry, I want what I want, and I want D&D Advertising back. I want Frisco Jones Dr. Peter Burns to perform ridiculous operations. Bring back Billy's awesomely wooden performances. (I always loved,BTW, how he was a combo account guy and creative at the ad agency. Seems like he could've made enough cash to have a bigger apartment with that big job.)

But, of course, no one had a bigger job than land lady/ad agency guru/world ruler Amanda Woodward! Melrose, get SPECIAL GUEST STAR Heather in there stat! Is that too much to ask?

I know, I know, you can't go home again. I should give the NEW Melrose a chance. I'm trying. I guess I just want the OLD 90's back.

Jerry, you're up next. Don't let me down.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Damn you Larry David! Now I have to suck it up and add HBO back to my recession-era downgraded cable. Guess it's a good time for me to catch up on Entourage, too.

Why, you ask? In case you haven't heard, the cast of Seinfeld is reuniting on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and over five luscious episodes, we'll get to follow Larry's show within a show as he attempts to stage, well, a Seinfeld reunion.

Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of those shows that I should watch but don't, like Rescue Me or 24. But since I'm pretty sure Jack Bauer won't cross paths with Jerry as he saves the world, I think I'll keep my late game bandwagon jumping to just this.

It's not a moment too soon, either. This has been the most boring tv summer I can remember, plus, I need to step away from the internet. All of my facebook-ing and symptom-searching on Google (do you have any idea how many things can be wrong with you if you type in fatigue?) has really cut into my tv viewing in a major way.

But Fall is just around the corner, which means there are other shows to get excited about, too! Most of these will be canceled right around the time I start to love them. That's usually the way it goes. A few to consider anyway:

Melrose Place Because, well, it's Melrose Place. Rumors abound that Heather Locklear's Amanda Woodward will return, but for now I'll be content with Sydney, Jane, Michael and even annoying Jo.

Accidentally on Purpose Jenna Elfman is a thirty-something who ends up preggers from a twenty-something. Chaos ensues! Now, I've never been a huge Jenna Elfman fan, but this looks mildly funny, like a season long "Knocked Up". Of course, on the downside, can this plot really hold up after season 1? I mean, how many "would rather hit the kegger but gotta feed the baby" jokes can it milk? Not so sure. Original Melrose alum Grant Show (Jake) is also a big part of it, so there's that.

The Good Wife Julianna Margulies is the wife of a disgraced politician, and is trying to rebuild her life. The cast includes both Chris Noth AND Josh Charles.

Done and Done. DVR season pass, check!

This should tide you over until at least Festivus.

Dirty Tricks

Is Lucy Liu the new Heather Locklear?

(No, no you meanie, this isn't a gossipy post about Amanda Woodward Heather Locklear's recent run in with the law. I am very pro-Heather and I totally hope she and Frisco Jones get married and live happily ever after.)

I digress.

However...remember in the old days, every time a show needed a little help, they'd bring in Heather Locklear? Remember? Melrose, Spin City? Scrubs? Heather would just waltz in in her mini skirt and black-light-white teeth and make everything better?


I'm thinking Lucy Liu is the new answer.

Tonight, Dirty Sexy Money begins season 2, and Lucy is their new secret weapon, if the billboards I keep seeing around town are to believed, anyway. Now, LL didn't do much to enhance Cashmere Mafia last year (who would've thunk that they'd get bitch slapped by Lipstick Jungle by the way), but she's certainly lobbying hard for the Locklear title. Consider the evidence: she did lots for Ally McBeal, she did a little ditty on Ugly Betty.

I mean, they even brought this Angel onto JOEY as a Hail Mary, ya know?

And so even though I wasn't really all that jazzed up about Dirty Sexy Money last year, I'm gonna check it out. Considering I keep watching that 90210 crap, it's the least I can do.

And NO, Shannen Doherty is DEFINITELY not eligible for the super shiny Locklear guest star title.