The Bitch is Back

No, not me silly! But, I've missed you, too.

Heather Locklear is back on Melrose Place. Let's party like it's 1999!

Hopefully, a little La Locklear can give a shot in the arm to this slowly dying series. I have only been mildly paying attention since its premiere, and I guess the producers know I'm not the only one. Every week's recaps go so far back you could start watching today and you will be caught up in 90 seconds (which BTW doesn't speak too well of the intricacies of the plot).

The premiere Heather Locklear ep of the NEW (but let's face it, not necessarily improved) Melrose had its highs and lows.

The Highs: God bless her for still pulling off those miniskirts at almost 50. In a related story, I am totally investigating Pilates tomorrow, and never eating carbs again.

And, she's still pulling off those icy zingers like she used to and it's still just as ridiculously cheesy. And as fun.

The Lows: Oh dear, Heather. Methinks you dipped into Meg Ryan's world just a wee bit. It's not the worst alleged plastic surgery I've seen, but that face is looking a little suspiciously poufy in some of the wrong places.

Extra unfortunate that the first commercial break right outta Heather's big debut was for the movie "Old Dogs".

Meow.

To the Nines

It's 09/09/09 and all I can think about is the 90's. What does that mean? Do I need to run out and get a lottery ticket?

Well, the new Melrose premiered last night and I approached it with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Would this remix bring me back to the days when I loved clunky shoes and could drink till all hours in smoky bars on a work night and still wake up fresh and perky?

Um, not really.

Now, to be fair, I watched a bit exhausted after a day of juggling a new job AND the symptoms of a possible case of swine flu. But, from what I could tell within my delirium, this is not your mama's Melrose.

*SPOILERS*
I mean, sure, it's fun to see old pals Sydney and Michael (seriously, what facial products DO they use???), and it wasn't exactly a secret that Syd turns up dead in ep one. But turning Melrose into a season long murder mystery, which is where it seems to be headed, just doesn't do it for me. I don't CARE who killed her because I don't know any of these new people!

I'm going to give it a few episodes just to be sure I'm not writing it off too quick, but I'm sorry, I want what I want, and I want D&D Advertising back. I want Frisco Jones Dr. Peter Burns to perform ridiculous operations. Bring back Billy's awesomely wooden performances. (I always loved,BTW, how he was a combo account guy and creative at the ad agency. Seems like he could've made enough cash to have a bigger apartment with that big job.)

But, of course, no one had a bigger job than land lady/ad agency guru/world ruler Amanda Woodward! Melrose, get SPECIAL GUEST STAR Heather in there stat! Is that too much to ask?

I know, I know, you can't go home again. I should give the NEW Melrose a chance. I'm trying. I guess I just want the OLD 90's back.

Jerry, you're up next. Don't let me down.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Damn you Larry David! Now I have to suck it up and add HBO back to my recession-era downgraded cable. Guess it's a good time for me to catch up on Entourage, too.

Why, you ask? In case you haven't heard, the cast of Seinfeld is reuniting on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and over five luscious episodes, we'll get to follow Larry's show within a show as he attempts to stage, well, a Seinfeld reunion.

Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of those shows that I should watch but don't, like Rescue Me or 24. But since I'm pretty sure Jack Bauer won't cross paths with Jerry as he saves the world, I think I'll keep my late game bandwagon jumping to just this.

It's not a moment too soon, either. This has been the most boring tv summer I can remember, plus, I need to step away from the internet. All of my facebook-ing and symptom-searching on Google (do you have any idea how many things can be wrong with you if you type in fatigue?) has really cut into my tv viewing in a major way.

But Fall is just around the corner, which means there are other shows to get excited about, too! Most of these will be canceled right around the time I start to love them. That's usually the way it goes. A few to consider anyway:

Melrose Place Because, well, it's Melrose Place. Rumors abound that Heather Locklear's Amanda Woodward will return, but for now I'll be content with Sydney, Jane, Michael and even annoying Jo.

Accidentally on Purpose Jenna Elfman is a thirty-something who ends up preggers from a twenty-something. Chaos ensues! Now, I've never been a huge Jenna Elfman fan, but this looks mildly funny, like a season long "Knocked Up". Of course, on the downside, can this plot really hold up after season 1? I mean, how many "would rather hit the kegger but gotta feed the baby" jokes can it milk? Not so sure. Original Melrose alum Grant Show (Jake) is also a big part of it, so there's that.

The Good Wife Julianna Margulies is the wife of a disgraced politician, and is trying to rebuild her life. The cast includes both Chris Noth AND Josh Charles.

Done and Done. DVR season pass, check!

This should tide you over until at least Festivus.

Don't You (Forget About Me)

The work-a-holic-ness continues, thus, so does the blog neglect (whimper), but I certainly couldn't let this week go by without mentioning how sad I am about the passing of John Hughes.

Perhaps by now, you've seen plenty of 'best of' statuses from fellow Facebookers or articles recalling some of your favorite quotes:

Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

Demented and sad, but social.

His name is Blane? That a major appliance, not a name!

John Hughes, in his prime, was so important that the professor of my Human Development course at Umass screened "The Breakfast Club" in class as part of an overall analysis of high school archetypes. Of course, he could've just been a lazy teacher who loved movies, but I think he was right on to include it as part of our studies. Don't we all feel a little Molly Ringwald-ish at some point in our teens?

(Yes guys, this means you, too!)

With John Hughes' death, and my TWENTIETH high school reunion looming large before me, I am feeling oldie-olderson and super 80's nostalgic. I miss my hair being kind of awesomely huge. And I kind of want to chuck my Ipod for an Iroc. Too bad I begrudgingly threw out my Z. Cavaricci's years ago. My butt looked so good in those pants.

Hollywood is feelin' the 80's love, too. Though St. Elmo's Fire was not a John Hughes creation, it was certainly from that era, and word on the street is it's coming to ABC as a dramedy. When I heard this, I felt a mixture of glee and horror, sort of how I feel about the upcoming Melrose remix. I mean, with Melrose, there's the good (Sydney and Michael are back!), and bad (Ashlee Simpson as part of the cast? Really?).

I am remaining optimistic that St. Elmo's 2.0 could be sort of great, and now I kind of want to go on a Brat Pack bender of rentals. Bet you do, too.

Well, as usual, I digress. I just miss the 80's. And now I miss you, John Hughes. Thank you for making teen angst awesome.



We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

The Last Laugh

Look at you, CW Network, becoming all hip and trendy!

If you haven't been paying attention, this is a big week in television, The Upfronts. This is where (hopefully) eager advertisers get a peak at the Fall season and are enticed to part with what's left of their ad budgets to put behind the BIG shows coming up.

The CW, once a poor man's Fox Network, is not so suddenly like, the hippest cat on the dial.

Gossip Girl is of course back on the sked for Season 3 (duh) as is One Tree Hill. America's Top Model? Also back. And the new 90210? Still going.

As for the new stuff...no doubt cashing in on the wild success of the Twilight series, The Vampire Diaries will take a bite out of Thursdays.


In an interesting move, CW has eliminated ALL SITCOMS.

So on that note, I present to you teaser clips for two of their new shows. With the sitcom ban in place, I assume these are not meant to be funny.

First, The Beautiful Life is produced by Ashton Kutcher (WTF?) and stars Mischa Barton in a big acting stretch as a bitchy model. Check it out:

But of course, I know you only care a little about the models. You want to know the fate of the new Melrose Place, which incidentally, will air right after 90210 come Fall. I have no clue why Sydney (Laura Leighton) has become so whispery and breathy in this clip, and I'm not super psyched about the network's press release calling her "still beautiful at 40" (thanks a lot CW...I'll be off to get some Botox now...) but I did enjoy the surprising star who pops up at the end, who, like Laura Leighton, appears to have been cryogenically frozen since Melrose 1.0 went off the air in '99.


Some more fun facts: the pilot was directed by Davis Guggenheim; you may know him for his super cool musem-y name or his famous film, "An Inconvenient Truth"; I know him as Elisabeth Shue's hubby. That's Elisabeth SHUE...as in ANDREW SHUE'S sister. Can a Billy Campbell appearance be far behind?

And speaking of random nepotism-ish stories, the blonde chick that pops up at 1:51 in this clip (who is also the brown haired star on Harper's Island) is the daughter of David Cassidy. As in, "I Think I Love You".

I think I love CW.

Spelling it Out

With our beloved Sydney triumphantly returning to the 'new' Melrose, I can almost overlook the hiring of Ashlee Simpson as a sure sign of the apocalypse how much the 'new' 90210 has been botched.

Maybe it makes me old (though not as old as that chick who played Andrea Zuckerman...that chick was like 50 during some of those graduation scenes!). Maybe it makes me a whiner. But wouldn't 90210 two-point-ohhhh have been better if it just plunked down more of those beloved (dare I say iconic) Aaron Spelling characters of yesteryear into circa now? They could just jump on that Lost/Desperate Housewives (and soon Gossip Girl) time travel train...flash backs and flash forwards are all the rage!!

Besides, let's be honest, unless you're Hilary Swank, being an alumni of an Aaron Spelling show? Not always good news, so let's give some of these kids a helping hand. They need work, and not just playing a guidance counselor (Jennie Garth, what are you DOING? Where is that fire survivin' pill poppin' I-choose-me gal that I used to love? Get thee a real plot line for Kelly, quick!).

Spelling Spinoff Alumni Outreach Program Contenders:

"Valerie Malone" Tiffani (sometimes Amber) Theissen: For awhile there, every sinking show was calling on this little vixen to be their secret weapon (this means you, What About Brian, Good Morning Miami and Just Shoot Me). Now? Last year she made a movie called Cyborg Soldier. CYBORG. SOLDIER. Maybe give her a gig on the new Melrose. She can be the new pool boy.

Or something.





"David Silver": Brian Austin Green Oh dear. I thought you were busting outta the pack. You had the hottie Angelina-wanna-be lined up as a blushing bride, and a regular gig on that Terminator series that almost made me forget that rapper thing you tried in the 90's. But girl doesn't want you to put a ring on it, after all, and I think you just croaked on that show.

Maybe time for a plan B, though I'll give it to you for staying in the press, even if this headline is a new low in journalism history.

"Steve Sanders": Ian Ziering He danced back into our hearts for a little while, but the long running gig as the voice of "Biker Mice From Mars" is surely not how this dude wants to be remembered? Give him a penthouse at Melrose. C'mon!

Now about that Candy Spelling. Surely there's a Mommie Dearest remake just waiting to hit the big screen...

Good Vibrations

I'm declaring the 90's officially back.

First, the 90210 reprise (no matter how crappy it is). Then, rumblings of the return of Melrose Place (please, PLEASE bring back Andrew Shue).

Today, NBC was trying to get some traction by hinting that maybe, just maybe, George might make a quick return to ER's final season after all.

Yeah, right.

This got me thinking, if only, if only, they could just resurrect Seinfeld, it would be the perfect storm of 90's bliss.

I know we've made, um, quantum leaps since the end of Seinfeld (TEN years ago!), but I swear not a day goes by when I don't have some kind of incident that makes me feel like I'm in an actual episode.

Like today.

It was one of those non-spoken high noon type stand-offs in the laundry room. You know the kind I mean. I'm waiting for a machine. The weird lady folding her giant granny panties knows I'm waiting for a machine, yet no one says anything.

And so I wait. She knows I'm waiting. I know she knows I know she knows I'm waiting.

And still I wait.

Sigh.

I miss when Seinfeld would relish these moments in all their high waisted-jean glory. Since I know it ain't comin' back, I guess I'll have to just be content with other 90's-esque satisfaction, like a Democrat in the White House.

And in the meantime, I guess I'll just return to My So-Called Life.

Separated at Birth...Bachelor Edition!

Sienna Miller and that chick Shayne whose dad is Lorenzo Lamas:

One is notorious for a broken engagement to a famous actor that cheated on her with a nanny.
One will become notorious for a broken engagement if the Bachelor proposes.

















Holly and Lynn-Holly Johnson.


One is contestant trapped in a time warp rocking the "Rachel" haircut.
One is an actress/ice skater trapped in a time warp in our heads as the star of cult classic Ice Castles.















Erin S. and Eva Mendes:

One is a contestant perhaps best known for her occupation as a hot dog vendor.
One is an actress perhaps best known for...aw, hell, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.










Bonus Round!
Ok, this has nothing to do with the Bachelor, but the dudes need to represent.


Doug Savant, who plays the husband on Desperate Housewives (ok Matt Fielding on Melrose) and that dude on the new Battlestar Galactica:

One's made a career out of playing second banana on quirky soaps.
One's made a career out of...oh, how the hell do I know? I'm a GIRL. If I'm home watching the Sci-fi Channel, well, that would make me single FOREVER!!!!
Happy April Fool's Day.