He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Oh you crazy Bachelor kids! Why'd you have to go and recycle that kinda-seems-like-a-hick Brad Womack?? Surely you could do better? If it was controversy you were a-courtin', why not cast now-legendary (ok, kind of) bad boy Kovacs??

(For you non-Bachelor watchers, we'll get to him in a minute.)

I mean, who makes these decisions?

Anyhoo, Womack's claim to fame was that - scandal alert - he didn't pick either girl at the end. People were outraged. They couldn't believe he didn't fake-pick someone only to real-break up with them 6 weeks later!

But that's not really why he ushered in the Bachelor's brief shark-jumping era. I mean, in the beginning, they'd trot out all these guys with a gimmick, and you would (sort of) understand why the gals were all atwitter: Billionaire vineyard owner Andrew Firestone! Sort of a prince Lorenzo! Related to a C-List Actor Charlie O'Connell!

Womack's credentials? College drop-out/bartender. Woo hoo! No wonder you ladies were so upset he didn't pick you. How could you let him slip through your fingers?!

Oy.

So, supposedly he's gone through "intensive therapy" to ensure he's ready to pick someone at the end. And by "intensive therapy" I'm sure that means ABC's contract makes sure he's gotta walk outta there with some girl sportin' some bling.

But the bigger question is, who the hell wants him?

Would you date this man?

ABC, since you've thrown the Rico-Suave rich guy thing out the window as a pre-requisite, and recycling is your thing, why not bring back Jesse Kovacs?? He's the kind of guy every girl has gone out with (or tried to) at least once. Ladies, if you're around 25, you know this guy: hat backwards, cocky as hell dude? He might lure ya in with an Amstel Light when you see him across the bar, right?

And he may or may not call you...five days later.

He's the guy you love to hate and hate to love.

Now THAT is reality tv.

Birds Of A Feather

Oh Jake and Vienna. How you make me ashamed of myself for following your "journey".

If you, like me, stayed up last night to see Jake and Vienna try and out fame-whore each other, you felt more than a little grody this morning. I think I have a Bachelor hangover.

I mean, first we had to sit through that SNOOZE fest Bachelorette episode last night where NOTHING happened. Say what you will about Justin "Rated R", but now that he's gone, what is there to watch for?

If the trailers are right, the producers are basically saying "Sorry this is so boring, but hang tight till the episode where Ali and the boys are at the beach, because Frankie-four-eyes is gonna drop a BOMBshell that will leave Ali bawling her little doe eyes out.

(Sorry, Frank, about the four eyes comment. I have glasses like that too, but I only wear them in the privacy of my own home to like wash my face and stuff. Splurge on the thinner lenses or get Lasik or something if you're gonna go on tv. Thanks.)

I digress.

In the meantime, like other pathetic Bachelor fans, I stayed up to watch the most boring Bachelor breakup in history. I love love love Chris Harrison, but couldn't he have gotten them to spill more salacious details than...Jake doesn't like when Vienna questions his ability to give directions?

Oh, he's a man?

But seriously, if Jakey-poo was hoping to parlay Bachelor-dom into an acting career, it might be time to rethink that choice.

Well, unless he was trying to ACT like a douche. In that case, ship this boy an Academy Award immediately.

Baby Come Back

I'm still here. Kinda sounds like something someone would say in a melodramatic love story, no?

In this case, though, it's just me reminding all you loyal readers that I haven't forgotten ya! Big changes here in tv gal's world, leaving little time to entertain you with my tv tales.

Alas, I'm not a Lost time traveler, so I can't turn a wheel that rotates the globe and go back in time (or whatever the hell they do on that show), but I can kick off 2010 (better late than never) with my random musings on what I've been seeing on that little box we call TV.

*Spoilers*

Lost Oh dear, I've been along for this entire ride and I still have no idea what's going on. And not just on a large scale. Was anyone else curious last week when Sawyer had that engagement ring for Juliet? Was there a Kay Jewelers on the island?

The Bachelor When this show is good (Andrew Firestone season was the last good one, judge if you want to) it's good, and when it's bad it's reallllllly bad (What was worse, C-List Jerry O'Connell's brother or that fake prince?). You gotta give it up to ABC for hanging in there, though. It's gotta be in like the 100th season, and they are keeping it fresh by busting out so many producer orchestrated twists and turns that I am shamelessly hooked. Contestant kicked off for hooking up with a producer! Bachelor hates the contestants so much he can't even bring himself to give out all the roses! Contestant picks job over Jake!

Bring it. I'll be there for the final rose.


The Olympics Sorry, I'm all GO USA and such, but unless a skater gets clubbed in the knee, I just can't bring myself to care.

Ah, but I do care about tv. It's good to be back!

Liar, Liar

*Spoilers galore!*

Last week, I was kind of pumped up after watching the Brothers and Sisters promo for their 2 hour movie. That show has followed a path of ok, awesome, who cares, and ok over the few seasons it's been on. But when their promo was touting a death? Well, in the world of dramas...deaths and weddings? We love 'em!!

But then I was feeling a little sad, cuz it looked like Rob Lowe's character, Senator McAllister, was a goner. I've loved that Rob Lowe ever since he was Sodapop Curtis! Why, oh why, would they kill him off? But when good 'ol Robbie survived the heart attack and all, I thought, OOOH, plot twist! Tommy is gonna get offed by Holly! That's gotta be it, I hope?! Those ads promised me a death, dammit!

Frankly, as the clock ticked on, I started to panic about who the grim reaper would send off to TV heaven...especially when Kitty put a loose blanket into that new baby's crib. Eek! Suffocation alert!

But here's the thing...no one bit the dust! That baby was as snuggly as a Snuggie one scene later, Tommy is just an embezzler, and the Senator is just ruthless, not dead.

What gives, ABC?

The show was actually one of the best I've seen in awhile. So why fake us out with the death promise? We would've been totally tuned in anyway if you'd just stuck with Cliffhanger 101 and kept it to the "Will he or won't he make it?" teases.

Cue the shot of the flat line. Duh.

And speaking of fake outs and ABC, by now you've all heard about the little switcheroo on the Bachelor Monday night. Maybe it's all legit: Jason's just a loser who dumped his fiance ON TELEVISION for the runner up. Not scripted by the producers at all.

Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.

Finally, rounding out this week's trifecta of fakery, this poor dude Dane Patterson from The Biggest Loser...he lost like 100 pounds in 8 weeks, and now all anyone can talk about is the fact that even though he ran 23 of the 26.2 miles of a marathon, an overzealous producer in need of their all important finish line shot, like, NOW, drove him to the finish line.

Drove him. Like, get in the car and take a load off. Maybe we'll get a hoagie on the way.

Sigh.

Can we believe anything on TV anymore? Next thing you know, you'll tell me Trump's hair isn't naturally like that....

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Winter's the New Fall

When I was a kid I used to get really excited when the Fall Preview issue of the TV Guide came out. Yes, I was a tv geek even then. (I think it also had a lot to do with my older brothers influencing me, but luckily their love of Star Wars/Star Trek didn't stick, too, or I'd really be in trouble.)

Anyhoo, September always meant 2 things for me: back to school shopping and new TV shows! Now granted, we had 3 channels and it involved that giant antenna thing on the roof to get those channels juuuuuust right, but still, September's always been the place.

These days, though, it seems like January is like the chicest premiere place to be if you're on tv. So, with the new year upon us, my DVR's filling up and I don't know what to do...so I need to talk it out:

Confessions of a Teen Idol
Pros: Chris Atkins is sweet + I'm loyal to my man Baio.
Cons: Following a bunch of has beens who never were.
Verdict: It's like my morning bagel - it's bad for me and I don't even like it that much, but I can't give it up.

Rock of Love Bus
Pros: Hilarious last season, wanna support my friend who works on it, and I've been supporting Poison since 1987.
Cons: I just don't know if I can watch another season of borderline (?) trannies playing mud football again.
Verdict: On the fence

American Idol
Pros: Love the sob stories, fun when it gets down to the final round, potential for Paula to implode on live television.
Cons: 1 hour into the premiere and that new judge reminds me of one of those sales girls who talks down to you in an expensive store even though she's only making 5 bucks an hour.
Verdict: Leaning towards the readers digest/DVR version (just speed thru the auditions and stopping for the sappy ones) until they narrow it down.

The Bachelor
Pros: Haven't come up with any and haven't watched the second ep. Chris Harrison's pretty cool though.
Cons: Bachelor Jason's eyes are too close together and it bugs me.
Verdict: Maybe one more ep then I'll return for the finale.









Lost
Pros: An actual intelligently SCRIPTED show. Imagine that! It's not reality tv!
Cons: Does anyone remember what happened last season?
Verdict: Duh. Wouldn't miss the Jan. 21st premiere. Besides, even if they lie to me about what happened last season, I won't remember.

Trust Me
Pros: A drama about an ad agency could be fun to watch.
Cons: Don't we already have Mad Men?
Verdict: Giving the Jan 26th premiere a shot.

Oh man, I just realized 90210 came back last week, too. I can't keep up this pace. Is it summer re-runs yet?

Rose Colored Glasses

*SPOILERS*

God Bless the Bachelor franchise. No matter how bad it is, I can't help but get sucked in.

At least for the first episode. Because, really, it's all about the parade of contestants in the beginning and then the showdown at the finale. And that awesome, awesome trailer for the whole season at the end of the first episode. But more about that in a minute.

Now, no matter HOW many close up shots of Bachelor Jason's muscles in the gym in the opening intro, I still don't really see what these girls are so gaga about. But anyhoo, all these freaks realllllly wanna get their pic in US Mag or attention in general, so here's my thoughts on at least a few of them. Not too many could hold my interest, I must admit. It was just a sea of 20-something white girls (really, ABC? NO attempt to be more diverse in your casting?) all jockeying for screen time and pretending to give a crap about Jason's kid.

Oh Stephanie. We all know the producers hafta keep you around, you being a widow AND a mom, but girl, lay off the botox! It's freaky to look at. And while I'm at it, why DO botox-ers always pull their hair back to show off those skating rink-smooth heads? Cut some freaking bangs!

Poor, poor little pixie Renee. Jason may have cut you cuz he thought that vision board was craz-azy, but if it's good enough for Oprah, it's good enough for me. His loss!

And now, about that trailer. There are a few things you can always count on The Bachelor for besides the roses: everyone says "journey" a lot, people always end up in hot tubs, and for shizzle, the season-teasing trailer at the end of the first episode will make it seem like the most dramatic season EVER. This one's no exception. You have to sit through a minute or so of that drunk-ish girl and Jason saying "amazing" a bunch of times before it comes up, but it's worth it!!!

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

*Spoilers*

Even though, as you well know by now, The Bachelor franchise is a favorite target of mine, I haven't been able to make a commitment in a long time (Oh stop it. I'm talking about The Bachelor, stop judging my personal life).

However, I came home and saw that the finale of the Bachelorette was on, and thought, what the heck, I'm always kind of a sucker for the schmaltz.

So, I didn't even mind it that much when Jesse was ring shopping and had to drop his big fat "This DACORI DIAMOND ring symbolizes forever for me" product placement line in the middle of the I'm-about-to-hopefully-get-engaged montage.

I didn't mind when, as usual, we had to hear everyone and their mother declare their love affirmations every 3-5 minutes so that if we hear it enough, we might forget that this franchise has mainly produced couples that crash and burn right after the director yells Cut!

BUT...I minded it when, after Jesse proposed to DeAnna, the sloppy editors cut to a shot of DeAnna and Jesse hugging and the ring was ALREADY on DeAnna's finger, but in the next shot, poof! the ring was back in Jesse's hand, ready to be placed on her finger for the first time.

It was like that moment in that totally awesome campy movie, Somewhere in Time, where everything's swell for Christopher Reeve after he time travels back to 1912 to fall in love with Jane Seymour, but then he accidentally pulls a penny out of his pocket and it's from 1979 and he's jolted back to reality and dies cuz he can never see Jane Seymour again.

Ok, maybe it's not EXACTLY like that. But it did, like, kinda ruin the moment for me.

Anyhoo, odds be damned, these lovebirds have announced they have already set a May 9th, 2009 wedding date. Awwwwwww, so romantic...just in time for sweeps.

The Name Game

TV People spend a heck of a lot of time sweating what their shows are going to be named. Just recently, I ranted about the green-a-palooza that is Planet Green. With the onslaught of new programming announcements, I took another spin to see some of the best (and worst).

Oh boy... there are some good ones.

On TLC, there's "This is Why You're Single", which is what my friends say to me once a week an intervention show for long-time singles.

On Animal Planet, "Stray to Hey" is about abandoned stray dogs who get new homes after getting a makeover. Wait, WHAT? Dogs getting a makeover? God I love that title, but if Carson Kressley is involved I am going to be concerned.

I actually should start watching Animal Planet. They already have "Escape to Chimp Eden" and "Groomer Has It". I have no idea what these shows are about, but the names alone are like, totally awesome.

Now, when I read in Variety that "Would You Rather" was a newly announced show hosted by Howie Mandel "where people have to decide between two equally unpleasant options", imagine my dismay.

"Would You Rather" is NOT a Bachelor-style dating show starring Dan Rather as the name would suggest.

Damn... and here I was hoping Dan might be our new Rock of Love.

Separated at Birth...Bachelor Edition!

Sienna Miller and that chick Shayne whose dad is Lorenzo Lamas:

One is notorious for a broken engagement to a famous actor that cheated on her with a nanny.
One will become notorious for a broken engagement if the Bachelor proposes.

















Holly and Lynn-Holly Johnson.


One is contestant trapped in a time warp rocking the "Rachel" haircut.
One is an actress/ice skater trapped in a time warp in our heads as the star of cult classic Ice Castles.















Erin S. and Eva Mendes:

One is a contestant perhaps best known for her occupation as a hot dog vendor.
One is an actress perhaps best known for...aw, hell, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.










Bonus Round!
Ok, this has nothing to do with the Bachelor, but the dudes need to represent.


Doug Savant, who plays the husband on Desperate Housewives (ok Matt Fielding on Melrose) and that dude on the new Battlestar Galactica:

One's made a career out of playing second banana on quirky soaps.
One's made a career out of...oh, how the hell do I know? I'm a GIRL. If I'm home watching the Sci-fi Channel, well, that would make me single FOREVER!!!!
Happy April Fool's Day.

First Impression Rose

I only got through the first bit of The Bachelor XXVVVVI and have time to share just a few initial thoughts:



Big Ben Matt seems less tool-ish than some of the usual Bachelors. Maybe there's hope. Maybe it's the accent. The girls were fairly interchangeable save for the carefully cast girl with the chronic hiccups, the Bush supporter, and the girl that's in 'church marketing'.

Holly abso-LUTE-ly is wearing the "Rachel" haircut. TRUST ME, this picture doesn't do it justice. I rocked the Rachel, too...in 1994.





Erin S. is 33. She is a hot dog vendor.

Best.

Job.

Ever.

Singled Out

Even though the Oscars are a distant memory (thank God), here in Is It Just Me? TV-Land, there are never enough awards to give out.

And because of that, it is with glee I give some out for Monday night's broadcast of the Bachelor one-hour commercial for their new season "Where Are They Now?" Special.


















ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Award: The update on re-engaged Bachelor Andrew Firestone left out virtually any discussion of what former fiancée (and former Bachelorette) Jen Schefft is up to. The update also failed to mention what factory Andrew gets his genetically engineered blonde fiancées from.

SCARIER ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Award: Host Chris Harrison announced that Byron proposing to Mary was voted "Most Romantic Moment in Bachelor History"....even though Mary was arrested in November for assaulting Byron. Love hurts.

ONLY HER COLORIST KNOWS FOR SURE Award: Does that media-whore Trista really think mousy brown is the way to go these days?













It is so, so wrong that I continue to watch this series.

What the (Whole Wide) World Needs Now, is Love, Sweet Love

Some thoughts on the finale of my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor:

*Spoilers*

I can't say I blame Brad for dumping Jenni. I'm sorry, anyone who uses the phrase "the whole wide world" after age eight (as in, verbatim: "if Brad were to get down on one knee and propose to me, I'd be the happiest girl in the whole wide world" and "this is like, one of the worst feelings in the whole wide world) should not be getting married. To anyone.

And I am SURE she dots the "i" in Jenni with a heart.

As for Brad not picking EITHER of the two final girls, well, at least it's better than the usual fakery we endure before the eventual breakup statement is issued. Regardless, the producers went into spin mode immediately on the "After the Final Rose" followup special and trotted out Trista, Ryan and their new baby to show how successful the show is. That's one marriage in 11 seasons. Not sure I'd be psyched if a doctor told me I had a 1 in 11 chance to live.

I'm just saying.

Award for Best Use of Hyperbole: Chris Harrison to the Bachelor: "Everyone in America has a thousand questions for you".

Adding Insult to Injury

It's my fault. I knew you were all wrong for me but I keep coming back for more. It's just that I want to find true love.

But damn you Bachelor, you are a dirty dog and you keep lying to me!

Monday night's episode was especially ridiculous. The "accident" that they'd been gleefully touting in the trailers was some poor OLD girl (she's 30!) who slipped on the stairs. Some producer is totally fired because there were no shots of said fall. Then, because The Bachelor was on a Group Date, the producers had to make sure Bachelor boy was in the loop. So, instead of having some dramatic producer on-camera intervention (remember the good old days on the Real World when they would do something like that when someone was an alcoholic or an abuser?), they created a faux call...I mean a phone call.

Clocking in at 16 seconds, the transcript went like this:
Ring!
This is Brad.
Are you kidding?
I just want you to be ok
I'll be thinking about you tonight and I hope you're ok
Alright, bye.

The staged phone call did not lead to the group of girls with the Bachelor rushing to see Injured Gal, or even asking if she was ok...they were instead wondering aloud: How did she get your phone number? If she has a concussion how is she calling you?

After virtually no contemplation of this 'crisis', one enterprising chick seized the opportunity to move on from this seconds long diversion to get more alone time with Brad the Bachelor. Later, alone time turned out to be NOT a friend to Michele the Injured Gal.

Michele returns a few scenes later with a fleeting reference to her injury. No tearful reunions, no bedside confessions...she's just back and one gal expresses sadness on her behalf that Michele can't participate in all the bikini wearing date stuff [my words, but that's the gist].

We never do find out much about what DID happen to Michele, but when she finally gets her one-on-one time with the Bachelor, she babbles about being so old (again 30) and saying how she's not rushing to have a baby. He then of course rewards her by not giving her a rose and she cries about it.

Michele, don't be sad that Brad didn't want to see you again. Smash that head of yours back down the stairs once more so it knocks some sense into you.

A Rose by any other Name

I zipped through The Bachelor last night and when I say I zipped, I mean...thank GOD for DVR...but more about that later.

This is literally like the 100th season, and I'm not sure how it's still on the air, but there are some elements that SEEM to be a constant...I believe I've identified the top 5:

5. The girl that gets smashed and makes a fool out of herself.
4. The subsequent meltdown over getting eliminated, natch.
3. The Bachelor's repeated assurances in VO that he WILL find his wife.
2. CATFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the #1 Bachelor tool? I mean device, I wasn't calling this new Bachelor guy a tool...ok, maybe I was...

1. The teaser that gives us a glimpse of a DRAMATIC accident...complete with ambulance and/or police cruisers.

How many seasons can this happen? Are we supposed to actually believe it? Desperate for ratings, I suspect a producer probably kicked one of those girls down the stairs.

Anyhoo...this season, it does seem a bit different the way these gals spend all of episode one performing nothing less than circus tricks to get the attention of the Bachelor. One girl actually showed off her WEBBED toes. I'm not sure why she did this, but they should've put THAT in the ads! Then we'd all get along..um, swimmingly.

Over on Dancing with the Stars...some shows are DESIGNED FOR DVR. This is one of them. I really just wanted to see the "Where are they now?" backstories of the contestants...and in an hour and a half they only got through half the contestants as it was only the women. I got through the whole show (thank you DVR!) in about 10 minutes. Jane Seymour signed some sort of deal with the devil to look that good at 56.

There's ANOTHER hour and a half episode tonight, but I don't think I can watch.

They didn't lure me with any ambulances....

Must See Monday

After all of these weeks of suffering, Premiere Week is finally here. Thank God. I almost had to start reading.

First up, ABC's dishing up some serious reality tv. Dancing with the Stars is on at 8pm. I just can't commit this season. Too many hours! There's the show, then the recap of the show, then the recap of the recap...my DVR just cannot accommodate it all. I mean, of course I'll peak at it. Gotta see what the latest 90210-er is up to, how Scary Spice fares...but of course the REAL reason I'll tune in a little is to see...Albert Reed.

I mean I'll tune in to see WHO Albert Reed is. Maybe the title should be "Dancing With SOME Stars".

If you're not too cha cha'd out, you can watch the 87th season of The Bachelor at 9:30pm. This season, it appears they've drafted a college dropout/bar owner as The Bachelor. Remember when they'd at least pretend to make the guy seem rich and important? Note to the producers: Bring back The Bachelorette! Your target audience is desperate single 30-something women, and they (ok, we) don't want to see some guy choose some 22-year old drunk idiot to be his "wife".

But... we totally wanna see a bunch of hot guys competing and live vicariously through the gal that gets to choose him.

Enough with the reality wasteland. Just make sure you watch "How I Met Your Mother" at 8pm on CBS. If you weren't already watching the last 2 seasons, you were missing out. It is - wait for it - awesome.

Love Will Keep Us Together

Are we officially out of reality tv concepts? NBC debuted "Age of Love" Monday night. It's the Bachelor - with a twist. And when I say IT'S THE BACHELOR, I sure do mean it.

The twist is, two sets of girls are vying for his love, 40-somethings...and 20-somethings. Everything else is pretty much the Bachelor business as usual.

As a member of the tv industry, I have to overcome a fair amount of cynicism to properly enjoy a show like this...but it's pretty hard. I can practically hear the machinations brewing behind the scenes: casting calls to find bratty, bitchy 20-somethings and hot hot hot "I can't believe you're 48!"/"Look at me!" 40-somethings....can you just say ONE more time for camera how your biological clock is ticking?

Plus, can't these lazy bastards at least not rip off EVERYTHING from The Bachelor? Even the teases to break: "Who will go home broken-hearted?" is stolen. You may as well hire Chris Harrison!

Then, under the category of millllllllllking it, during this show there was a commercial for..."Science of Love". "Science of Love" AND "Age of Love" are BOTH hosted by Mark Consuelos. Do we really need ANOTHER one of these?? Ok, a little research reveals "Science of Love" is actually just a one hour special "event"....but why is Mark Consuelos doing this? And doesn't he look too much like Mark Philippoussis (the bachelor in this) anyway? People reallllllly really want to be on tv.

At any rate, I'm exhausted already and it's only the first night of the series. Anyway, at least we're only days away from Paula Abdul's reality show, "Hey, Paula". I smell a Norma Desmond award hall of famer!!!!!!