Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

When I told my boyfriend I was thinking about watching Rock of Love Season 3, he threatened to leave me.

But then I clued him in about the genius that was Rock of Love 2, and soon, he had it cued up on the DVR.

What the hell am I doing telling my boyfriend to watch a show filled with slutty half naked girls????

Anyway, when it kicked off, I had some high hopes. The girls are so ridiculous and over the top, it was pretty good for a laugh. I mean, look, even foodies can't always go to the 4-star places all the time, right? Everyone needs those fried chicken and nachos kinda places once in a while to keep it interesting.

But somewhere along the way I got an itty bitty stomach ache. It was just all strippers and porn stars and freaks, oh my! for my taste. Now, to be fair, I don't know that I gave it a fair shake.

While I was watching, I was also doing battle with a laundry machine that stole my money, realizing the ho at Origins bamboozled me into buying the wrong moisturizer and overcharged my damn credit card earlier tonight, and facebooking a sudden onslaught of former junior high classmates that have appeared in my in-box.

So all the screaming hammered girls on my tv in the background were kinda buggin' me. And then I turned on the People's Choice Awards just in time for Carrie Underwood to come on and it just made me want to encourage her to lip sync. You're awfully pitchy, dawg.

Grrr. Chamomile tea, anyone?

Anyhoo, I'm calling it a day. I'm not giving up on you just yet, Bret Michaels.

But my DVR is getting pretty jam packed, so you gotta work harder to be MY Rock of Love.

The Name Game

TV People spend a heck of a lot of time sweating what their shows are going to be named. Just recently, I ranted about the green-a-palooza that is Planet Green. With the onslaught of new programming announcements, I took another spin to see some of the best (and worst).

Oh boy... there are some good ones.

On TLC, there's "This is Why You're Single", which is what my friends say to me once a week an intervention show for long-time singles.

On Animal Planet, "Stray to Hey" is about abandoned stray dogs who get new homes after getting a makeover. Wait, WHAT? Dogs getting a makeover? God I love that title, but if Carson Kressley is involved I am going to be concerned.

I actually should start watching Animal Planet. They already have "Escape to Chimp Eden" and "Groomer Has It". I have no idea what these shows are about, but the names alone are like, totally awesome.

Now, when I read in Variety that "Would You Rather" was a newly announced show hosted by Howie Mandel "where people have to decide between two equally unpleasant options", imagine my dismay.

"Would You Rather" is NOT a Bachelor-style dating show starring Dan Rather as the name would suggest.

Damn... and here I was hoping Dan might be our new Rock of Love.

Detoxing in the E.R.

*SPOILERS*

I may have overdone it this weekend. I may have O.D.'d on reality TV.

Though I've only watched the Real World sporadically over the years (Seattle & Hawaii spring to mind), I decided to watch the 20th anniversary reunion special on MTV. What can I tell you..it was a weekend. I followed up that ditty with the finale of Rock of Love.

Now, there were moments of good in both. As far as the Real World Special, I totally cried at the Pedro Zamora flashbacks. And, on Rock of Love, I'm so happy the producers Bret picked Ambre instead of that tranny-looking mess, Daisy.

Now here's the bad. The Real World special was largely a big giant party filled with Real World alums getting trashed and fighting with each other. Imagine if you brought a video camera to a kegger in college and watched it back the next day - it might be funny to you...not so funny to anyone else.

Except here a lot more people are closer to 40 than 20 and it's supposed to be entertainment. It wasn't. It was a lot of yelling and bleeped out expletives...which was exactly what I grew tired of on Rock of Love (well, that and Bret in a tank top...give it up dude, or lay off the Fritos and beer).

And so I'm just so glad E.R. is back. It's a much needed tonic for what ails me. I know, I know, we've talked about this - you don't watch it. But, let me tell you, if this show premiered for the first time NOW and it wasn't season 112 14, you'd totally be all, Did you SEE that new hospital show?!
It's not your mother's E.R. It's grittier and much more layered than in the days when we all just watched to swoon over Clooney.

Plus, as an added bonus, I discovered two new songs they played during the episode that were simply stellar. You MUST check out Duffy's version of "Mercy". This chick's the next Amy Winehouse, for sure. And James Carrington's "Ache" was equally awesome.

Anyway, I'm just so glad the new dramas are back. I've been watching so much reality TV that all the fights and yelling were making me feel...icky.

Plus, if I'm really jonesing for some violence, I'll just wait for LOST to come back.

She Moves in Mysterious Ways

*SPOILERS*
My descent into (tv credibility) hell rolls on as I continue to worship everything that is Rock of Love.

This past week's episode was genius: Bret brought in the remaining trannies' contestants' exes to dig up some dirt. First of all, god bless the producers on this show for their ability to be all Columbo-ish and turn up these dudes and get them to talk. (Ok, it was lame that all they could get out of Ambre's past was some friend, but still, pretty well played for the most part.)

And those crafty little investigators/producers even threw me off my own little Nancy Drew-ish trail. You see, I've seen the puppet strings a little and it seems to ME that the contestant "in the moment" interviews have clearly all been shot in one super duper marathon scripted day given the fact that they are always wearing the same outfits in front of the same backdrop. ALWAYS.

Unless it's the dreaded "Your tour ends here" post-elimination interview.

So, imagine the suspense and terror I felt when in the teaser a teary Daisy was crying in her interview...and she was outside! Not inside wearing pink as she usually is. Say it ain't so, could Bret be about to say "love you not" to Daisy...possibly the most cartoonishly perfect reality show contestant the world has ever known??!

Nah, it was all just a little smoke and mirrors to keep us on our toes. Trust me, Daisy is going all the way. Phew.

Now, onto more important Rock of Love mysteries: someone PLEASE tell me why during the elimination phase Bret Michaels' lips had more crap on them than Lisa Rinna?

Seriously, dude, 1987 Debbie Gibson called. She wants her lipstick back!

Down 'n Dirty

Bret Michaels HAS to be sitting around going, "I can't believe I get paid to do this".

This week's episode of "Rock of Love" featured the remaining whores girls competing in mud football which is basically female mud wrestling...but with a football. The 'winner' then got to have dinner with Bret...IN A LINGERIE STORE.

God bless the American Dream. Or at least, Bret Michaels' American Dream.

I continue to be perplexed by the casting of these girls, however. I imagine that slutty fake-boobed, big haired chicks aren't too hard to um, come by in L.A. But let's be real, most of these girls are NOT CUTE.

On the bright side, at least some of their not-cuteness is in a retro sort of way and takes me back to some good 'ol 80's fun.

Like Catherine. One of the other girls actually called her Peggy Bundy and I certainly can't improve upon that. Also, at least I can say God bless VH1 for not dealing in ageism cuz this chick is 45, which in the dog years of most bachelor-type reality shows is like 100. Hell, they may as well throw that old chick from Titanic into the mix.










And then there's Peyton. Oh Peyton. What is it about you that just immediately conjures up Marlboro Reds and Aqua Net? And you just KNOW her perfume is like, Love's Baby Soft or something. Do they still make that?

But mostly, when I look at Peyton, something else springs to mind: Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days.

Is it JUST me?

Either way, with Leather Tuscadero on the brain, it reminds me that I miss Happy Days. I especially miss Happy Days' VERY SPECIAL EPISODES...and actually, I miss VERY SPECIAL episodes in general.

Oh well, maybe they'll come back someday...just hopefully not on Rock of Love.

The Feminine Mystique

I know I'm setting my gender back about a hundred (ok, a thousand) years but feminism be damned, I'm starting to love Rock of Love 2.

Why, you ask?

I love it for the little things, like, I love that whoever cast this show carefully chose girls with the fakest sounding (or at least, fakest spelled) names on the planet. As in...Destiney, Jackye, Inna and my favorite, Ambre. No, it still SOUNDS like Amber, but it's spelled Ambre...like it should rhyme with hombre (Hombre was also the name of the cologne Joey sold on Friends. Why can I remember this yet I am unable to name former presidents in sequential order with any degree of reliability? I digress...).

I love it for Bret Michael's fake hair that looks like he skinned it off one of those giant make-me-pretty Barbie Doll heads I had as a kid.

I love that these women have the emotional maturity of corrupted teen girls, and the look of tranny hookers in lockup.

Mostly, I just laugh along with Bret. He seems totally in on the joke, has great comedic timing, and God bless him, what single guy WOULDN'T sign up for a show whose sole focus is single girls one-upping the other in sluttiness to get with him?

Ever so briefly, though, this show tugged at my heartstrings and Bret was starting to look like a potential nominee for my Norma Desmond awards. When he busted out that guitar to sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" those girls were predictably in awe of Bret. I was too...in 1988.

And isn't that what makes us (well, some of us) so obsessed with the celebreality phenomenon? Don't we all cling a little (or a lot) to our glory days as we get older? Is F. Scott Fitzgerald right...are there no second acts?

I'm not sure, but, I think Bret will be ok. In this most recent episode, he made the girls perform a "talent" to win him over. This included a girl ironing in a bikini. He also took some girls 4-wheeling.

This might not be his second act, but he's sure enjoying the ride.

The Talent Show

So, even though The View claims ratings are higher now than when Rosie was around, I'm a little suspicious. Lately they've had a whole lotta days "filled with hot topics". As in, NO guests. Isn't that cute? All the gals are just gonna coffee tawk it up.

Oh really?

Seems more likely to me that the ole talent bookers are having a problem booking guests. You be the judge. Just one day after a day of hot topics, the guests booked on The View were John Larroquette and Blake Lewis. Now, I realize Larroquette's on the kinda-popular Boston Legal (though he'll always be the Night Court guy to me) and Blake Lewis is (apparently) some beat-boxing American Idol dude but I'm just saying I don't think either is bumping Britney off the front page.

Am I wrong?

Speaking of American Idol, I'm toying with committing to watching it this season. I haven't watched religiously since the Clay Aiken years. It's just so much WORK. I only caught the 2nd half of Tuesday's Philadelphia auditions, but let me just say this: when Idol's good it's very very good - that girl that sold her horse to get to auditions is totally going all the way! And that nanny who sounds like Jewel and who's never been to an R movie? She's an early contender.

But when Idol is bad....it's just bad. Do people really REALLY like those bad auditions? Don't waste my time FOX. I don't want to hear the crazy rants of a Star Trek clad girl or watch some fat dude get waxed.

Please AI, just stick to the talented singers with the inspiring backstories. Bonus points if the contestant is poor, a struggling parent, or otherwise in need of a life makeover.

Finally, the talent pool over at Rock of Love Season 2 is feeling a little shallow. The premise, if you haven't heard by now, is to find a mate for Poison's Bret Michaels. Now, I never got a chance to catch much of Season 1 so this was a little new for me. I even admit I kind of enjoyed its unadulterated crazy (Oh sure, judge me. You know you'll be settling into a marathon by season's end). My only complaint is that some of that cast is beat. They can't find hotter girls for that stripper pole?

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental about the way these girls look. After all, it ain't nothin' but a good time.