Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

When I told my boyfriend I was thinking about watching Rock of Love Season 3, he threatened to leave me.

But then I clued him in about the genius that was Rock of Love 2, and soon, he had it cued up on the DVR.

What the hell am I doing telling my boyfriend to watch a show filled with slutty half naked girls????

Anyway, when it kicked off, I had some high hopes. The girls are so ridiculous and over the top, it was pretty good for a laugh. I mean, look, even foodies can't always go to the 4-star places all the time, right? Everyone needs those fried chicken and nachos kinda places once in a while to keep it interesting.

But somewhere along the way I got an itty bitty stomach ache. It was just all strippers and porn stars and freaks, oh my! for my taste. Now, to be fair, I don't know that I gave it a fair shake.

While I was watching, I was also doing battle with a laundry machine that stole my money, realizing the ho at Origins bamboozled me into buying the wrong moisturizer and overcharged my damn credit card earlier tonight, and facebooking a sudden onslaught of former junior high classmates that have appeared in my in-box.

So all the screaming hammered girls on my tv in the background were kinda buggin' me. And then I turned on the People's Choice Awards just in time for Carrie Underwood to come on and it just made me want to encourage her to lip sync. You're awfully pitchy, dawg.

Grrr. Chamomile tea, anyone?

Anyhoo, I'm calling it a day. I'm not giving up on you just yet, Bret Michaels.

But my DVR is getting pretty jam packed, so you gotta work harder to be MY Rock of Love.

Idol Worship

And you thought American Idol was the only game in town! Come January, LOTS of idols are coming your way in addition to all your resolutions.

On Jan 4th, just in time to kick off your New Year, VH1 will debut Confessions of a Teen Idol. The concept? Scott Baio is the host of a weekly series that throws a bunch of washed up heartthrobs in a house together as they try and resurrect their careers. Scott Baio tags along and plays guardian angel. Or something.

Cue the drama:

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Now, I have good news and bad news for you.

First the good: I'm kinda psyched to see Jamie Walters try and make a comeback. Maybe it's the Boston gal in me, but darn it all this one-time Ray Pruit needs another claim to fame besides pushing Donna down the stairs.

Also, I'm glad VH1 took my advice to try and resurrect Christopher Atkins. Good move. Brooke's out of a job, too, with Lipstick Jungle gone, so maybe they'll nab a Lifetime movie together. Cool.

Now the bad: Of all the washed up stars in the universe, did the casting peeps really have to double dip into Baywatch?

WHAT is going on with Billy Hufsey's/the Fame guy's head and how come his hair doesn't fit? And while I'm at it, is it just me or is Scott Baio's hair looking super scary? And to keep the hair trifecta going, Eric Nies, the former Real World/the Grind guy needs a 12 step program away from his flat iron.

Seriously.

Anyway, everybody loves a comeback, though to be fair I'm not sure it's a comeback if I've never heard of you.

I'm talkin' to you, meth-lovin-cast-for-your-drama-Baywatch guy.

The Rose Parade

This week, VH1 has decided to run a Bachelor/Bachelorette marathon. All week, hours upon hours of retro Bachelor. So, if you don't work, and you really dig broken engagements, your dream has come true.

On Tuesday I happened to catch a fair amount of the Trista re-runs (I swear I do work occasionally), including the Pepto Bismol infused wedding spectacle that was Ryan and Trista's nuptials. I had forgotten how ABC dragged this thing into what seemed like 80 hours of television, about all the hyperbole ("the most anticipated wedding since Charles and Diana!"..."the wedding of the decade!")...and how Trista's squeaky baby voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

It's all especially intriguing to me. In recent months, I've started to investigate the business side of this here blog and I learned how to track the way strangers arrive on my site. The #1 Google search that lands people on my blog? Trista's diet. Trista's diet that I mocked and ridiculed mind you, but this is apparently what the American pop culture public yearns for.

Now, lest I be a total hypocrite in my mockery, I admit a weakness for the Andrew Firestone season, which is on for a good chunk of the day/night Wednesday.

You can relive it with me (time to call in sick!), the innocent days when Jen Schefft captured that hottie Firestone's heart.

And, by the way, what was Jen thinking letting Andrew Firestone slip through her fingers? She could've been rich and drunk on a vineyard for the rest of her life! I'd travel to an island with Ricardo Montalban for that fantasy....

Back to the Future

So, a lot of you have opinions about who should end up on Scott Baio's new show. Since the series has an eye toward reviving the careers of former teen idols, I've got a few casting suggestions, VH1...with a little help from my friends:

Christopher Atkins: These days he supposedly owns an outdoor sports company and also has patented his own fishing lure. That's a long way from the Lagoon. Surely you can reel him in.






Ralph Macchio: The Karate Kid seems to get a kick out of poking fun at himself. Or, if he won't do it, why not call up Billy Zabka? Best remembered as Johnny, the bully who tried to "Sweep The Leg", recently he's been taking a shot at stretching out his Karate Kid success.
I'm guessing he's available.


Jason Cerbone: Once the enormously popular but ill-fated Jackie Aprile, Jr. on The Sopranos, he is now, according to IMDB, about to star in...Mafioso II. The cast also includes (STILL ALIVE!) Abe Vigoda, Angie Everhart, and Justin Guarini.

I. Cannot. Make. This. Stuff. Up.

Please, VH1, help him. He needs the kind of hit that doesn't involve the mafia.

Glory Daze

According to Entertainment Weekly my boyfriend Scott Baio is hosting a new series for VH1 where a bunch of washed up teen hearthrobs live in a house and figure out if they should try and become famous again or follow some other path, all with the help of a life coach.

Life coaches are sooooooo trendy.








Anyhoo, I am of course, thrilled, and am betting my bottom dollar they are RIGHT NOW begging Michael Schoeffling to be a part of it. Michael Schoeffling was, of course, the dreamy Jake in Sixteen Candles, the movie that launched a million teen-girl fantasies of being lifted from social obscurity into cool-clique love.

And, as the legend goes, Schoeffling fled Hollywood shortly after this film to become Aidan Shaw a furniture maker in PA. Everyone wants to find him. But, so far, no one has lured him back into the spotlight.


I, for one, am hopeful that they get him or at least guys like 'em. Please, please, please, VH1, no Corey's need apply.

Oh, and here's a tip as you go on your search to fill the former hearthrob slots: I'm pretty sure Patrick Dempsey's already pretty all set with resurrecting HIS career.

Detoxing in the E.R.

*SPOILERS*

I may have overdone it this weekend. I may have O.D.'d on reality TV.

Though I've only watched the Real World sporadically over the years (Seattle & Hawaii spring to mind), I decided to watch the 20th anniversary reunion special on MTV. What can I tell you..it was a weekend. I followed up that ditty with the finale of Rock of Love.

Now, there were moments of good in both. As far as the Real World Special, I totally cried at the Pedro Zamora flashbacks. And, on Rock of Love, I'm so happy the producers Bret picked Ambre instead of that tranny-looking mess, Daisy.

Now here's the bad. The Real World special was largely a big giant party filled with Real World alums getting trashed and fighting with each other. Imagine if you brought a video camera to a kegger in college and watched it back the next day - it might be funny to you...not so funny to anyone else.

Except here a lot more people are closer to 40 than 20 and it's supposed to be entertainment. It wasn't. It was a lot of yelling and bleeped out expletives...which was exactly what I grew tired of on Rock of Love (well, that and Bret in a tank top...give it up dude, or lay off the Fritos and beer).

And so I'm just so glad E.R. is back. It's a much needed tonic for what ails me. I know, I know, we've talked about this - you don't watch it. But, let me tell you, if this show premiered for the first time NOW and it wasn't season 112 14, you'd totally be all, Did you SEE that new hospital show?!
It's not your mother's E.R. It's grittier and much more layered than in the days when we all just watched to swoon over Clooney.

Plus, as an added bonus, I discovered two new songs they played during the episode that were simply stellar. You MUST check out Duffy's version of "Mercy". This chick's the next Amy Winehouse, for sure. And James Carrington's "Ache" was equally awesome.

Anyway, I'm just so glad the new dramas are back. I've been watching so much reality TV that all the fights and yelling were making me feel...icky.

Plus, if I'm really jonesing for some violence, I'll just wait for LOST to come back.

She Moves in Mysterious Ways

*SPOILERS*
My descent into (tv credibility) hell rolls on as I continue to worship everything that is Rock of Love.

This past week's episode was genius: Bret brought in the remaining trannies' contestants' exes to dig up some dirt. First of all, god bless the producers on this show for their ability to be all Columbo-ish and turn up these dudes and get them to talk. (Ok, it was lame that all they could get out of Ambre's past was some friend, but still, pretty well played for the most part.)

And those crafty little investigators/producers even threw me off my own little Nancy Drew-ish trail. You see, I've seen the puppet strings a little and it seems to ME that the contestant "in the moment" interviews have clearly all been shot in one super duper marathon scripted day given the fact that they are always wearing the same outfits in front of the same backdrop. ALWAYS.

Unless it's the dreaded "Your tour ends here" post-elimination interview.

So, imagine the suspense and terror I felt when in the teaser a teary Daisy was crying in her interview...and she was outside! Not inside wearing pink as she usually is. Say it ain't so, could Bret be about to say "love you not" to Daisy...possibly the most cartoonishly perfect reality show contestant the world has ever known??!

Nah, it was all just a little smoke and mirrors to keep us on our toes. Trust me, Daisy is going all the way. Phew.

Now, onto more important Rock of Love mysteries: someone PLEASE tell me why during the elimination phase Bret Michaels' lips had more crap on them than Lisa Rinna?

Seriously, dude, 1987 Debbie Gibson called. She wants her lipstick back!

Barely Baio

Remember that totally moving finale of Charles in Charge?

Me neither. That's kind of how I felt about this season of Scott Baio. Didn't you kinda stop caring? Did you ever?

I DID, DAMMIT!

So what killed Scott Baio?

It was a lethal combo of Johnny V, too much Scott Baio DOING THE RIGHT THING, and the biggest problem...it was totally overscripted and NOT in a good way.

You spend TWO whole seasons getting Scott Baio down the aisle (not to mention 46 years) VH1, and you throw us that lame redneck wedding? With the random brother Stephen cameo? What, cousin Jimmy wasn't available?

And if you're gonna go scripted, why not fake a little more hesitation to go down the aisle? Or have him break down? Or not throw his 'engagement party' in a room that looked like the executive producer's back office with some tablecloths thrown over the desks?

It's not all bad. I did love (fake or not) when Chachi Scott visited his agent and they joked about all the scripts they were getting in: Frankenbaio, Baiowulf, 28 Baios Later, and my personal favorite Brokeback Baio.

Maybe, just maybe, if there's a Season 3, VH1 will give us...Flavor of Baio.

Or Rock of Baio.

Or Behind the Baio.

Help! I can't stop Baio!

Well Played

*Spoilers*

When your show is called "Scott Baio is 46...and Pregnant", it surely presents a problem when cameras aren't allowed in the delivery room. In Sunday night's episode, Renee finally gives birth, but other than a few moments of waiting around, largely, the climactic birth scene occurs off camera.

Surprising? Maybe. And I'm not sure if this was dictated by the situation (hospitals often have filming clauses that kick out cameras if births become of the operating room-variety). It's hard to know if this was pre-planned or not. Maybe Scott Baio actually had a change of heart about revealing too much.

Unfortunately, this season, not-revealing-too-much has actually been a problem. Though I was a huge fan of season 1, as anyone who reads this blog knows, this season has felt largely contrived thus far, like Baio and friends were still playing along with the concept of the show but only on their terms. Other than what-I-hope-weren't-fake tears when Scott visited a church, it's been a little...soulless.

But, by NOT allowing cameras into the delivery room, something far better was revealed.

Behind all the silliness, when this show is good, it has heart. Through intimate photos and audio from the delivery room, a montage set to The Pretenders' "Hymn to Her" told the emotional story. They went for the sappy jugular and they got me. Sue me.

(Now, before you roll your eyes at my complete and utter descent into schmaltz-ville, I will say that the cynical side of me can almost hear VH1 screaming, "What do you mean you don't have the F-ing birth on camera?!!!!")

That aside, something else fun happened. I realized that this show has been quietly and effectively digging up a lot of great (mostly 80's) music worth checking out.

Until this episode, I'd never heard of Hymn to Her, a 1986 Pretenders song (uh, have you?).

And I bet sentimental freaks just like me are running all over the internet to find this song as we speak.

It was also nice to see Aha's song The Sun Always Shines on TV get some new life. Damn, once an 80's girl, always an 80's girl.

But don't worry, in case you think I've totally gotten sucked into some kind of overly emotional vortex, I also liked the Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me/car wash combo to convey that Renee and Scott were going to pretend for the cameras to fill a plot hole have sex.

In case you missed this episode, go to VH1.com for more airings. It IS VH1, so there's like, alot.