(Un) True Confessions

Sometimes I wish I didn't work in television. I wish I lived somewhere in the suburbs of middle America, completely oblivious to the machinations of shameless producers who think their audience is a bunch of idiots.

But I've seen the wizard behind the curtain, hell, I've BEEN the wizard behind the curtain, and I just hate it when I can see those puppet strings so clearly.

And on Confessions of a Teen Idol...there are some MAJOR strings attached.

The premise of this week's episode centered around the has-beens walking a known paparazzi trap and trying to get their picture taken. This would've been a delightful little train wreck to watch, hell I might've even shed a tear for poor, washed up, cruise ship-lovin' Adrian Zmed after he got ignored, if I believed for one second that those were real paparazzi ignoring him and the outcomes of each has-been's walk of shame not completely scripted.

You see kids, let momma 'splain something to you. Generally speaking, unless you are unknowingly starring in your very own Truman Show, the people around you on a daily basis aren't walking around mic'd in case you happen to walk by. But AMAZINGLY, you could hear all the chitter chatter of the paps and their scripted comments about how washed up each d-lister was loud and clear. I even tried to ignore all this fakery like a 10 year old who knows Santa isn't real but still tries to believe. And with this earnest denial in mind, I thought, well maybe we only can hear them because the has-beens are mic'd, and on them are SUPER microphones picking up the dialogue of the paparazzi.

Ok, I'll buy that. I'll even suspend my disbelief further that all of the VH1 cameras are, oh, I don't know, behind a mailbox? A tree? Why do I suddenly picture a camera guy dressed in camouflage with a bush disguising the camera?

But then the paps' conversation continued...long after the has-beens had headed off camera, and likely, over to Craft Service for a snack. By the way, am I also expected to believe that these same actors paparazzi just happen to ask Jeremy about his old sex tape, the very same sex tape he just mentioned a few scenes ago?

Right. Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.





Frankly, this is all making me turn on my man Baio. He is an Executive Producer of this sorry ass show? Is he the one advising Jeremy Jackson to also tout his MYSPACE page? Why don't we just pick up his latest cassingle while we're at it.

Sigh.

Death Warmed Over

Bruce Springsteen once sang "57 Channels (And Nothin' On)". Well, it's all blizzardy and I just wanna sit around and watch TV and there ain't nothin' on.

And I know I should be gettin' my democracy on and watching something all Inauguration-ish, but...well, the cool stuff was on HBO and dang it I'm poor. Those big fancy cable channels aren't in the budget these days, so I had to settle for bad Youtube video of all the cool music performances that I missed yesterday.

And so today, I spent time clearing out the DVR and had the audacity of hope that I'd find something inspiring to watch.

Instead, a whole lotta dead people turned up:

The Good Is anyone still watching Desperate Housewives? Because even though the whole flashback/flash forward thing they've added isn't exactly ground breaking, it's made the show pretty fun to watch again. Sunday night's episode included flashbacks of both narrator Mary Alice and Bree's dearly departed husband Rex (Did she kill him? Did he have a heart attack? Who can remember?...) and seeing them pop up again was a good way to spice things up.

The Bad I don't know what to do. I was all on Team ER until this year, and now I have a backlog of episodes clogging up my DVR and I just don't know if I can do it. They lost me when they didn't make better use of Mark Green's comeback. Or flashback.

Whatever.

But, speaking of hospital shows and dead people, how much longer is Denny going to roam around Seattle Grace on Grey's Anatomy? Enough already! Well,things over at Grey's aren't completely critical; Eric Stolz as a serial killer IS kind of awesome...but, let's be honest, he doesn't look to be surviving past next week.

The Ugly Don't ask me why I am still hanging in on Confessions of a Teen Idol. Man oh man, has Scott Baio looked at himself on a monitor? Shave, dude. Or at least shower! He is looking chewed up and spit out, weird that he'd not take better control of his image if he is exec producing the show.

Ok, technically, nothing dead on THIS show, unless you count the careers of the people on it.

Hey, speaking of things that are dead, I sure wish they'd bring back Lipstick Jungle for another season. My DVR keeps picking up episodes of this overlooked show and it was actually pretty good.

I mean, if they can revive failed, 10 year old show CUPID, then surely Lipstick Jungle still has a prayer?

More about that soon...

Winter's the New Fall

When I was a kid I used to get really excited when the Fall Preview issue of the TV Guide came out. Yes, I was a tv geek even then. (I think it also had a lot to do with my older brothers influencing me, but luckily their love of Star Wars/Star Trek didn't stick, too, or I'd really be in trouble.)

Anyhoo, September always meant 2 things for me: back to school shopping and new TV shows! Now granted, we had 3 channels and it involved that giant antenna thing on the roof to get those channels juuuuuust right, but still, September's always been the place.

These days, though, it seems like January is like the chicest premiere place to be if you're on tv. So, with the new year upon us, my DVR's filling up and I don't know what to do...so I need to talk it out:

Confessions of a Teen Idol
Pros: Chris Atkins is sweet + I'm loyal to my man Baio.
Cons: Following a bunch of has beens who never were.
Verdict: It's like my morning bagel - it's bad for me and I don't even like it that much, but I can't give it up.

Rock of Love Bus
Pros: Hilarious last season, wanna support my friend who works on it, and I've been supporting Poison since 1987.
Cons: I just don't know if I can watch another season of borderline (?) trannies playing mud football again.
Verdict: On the fence

American Idol
Pros: Love the sob stories, fun when it gets down to the final round, potential for Paula to implode on live television.
Cons: 1 hour into the premiere and that new judge reminds me of one of those sales girls who talks down to you in an expensive store even though she's only making 5 bucks an hour.
Verdict: Leaning towards the readers digest/DVR version (just speed thru the auditions and stopping for the sappy ones) until they narrow it down.

The Bachelor
Pros: Haven't come up with any and haven't watched the second ep. Chris Harrison's pretty cool though.
Cons: Bachelor Jason's eyes are too close together and it bugs me.
Verdict: Maybe one more ep then I'll return for the finale.









Lost
Pros: An actual intelligently SCRIPTED show. Imagine that! It's not reality tv!
Cons: Does anyone remember what happened last season?
Verdict: Duh. Wouldn't miss the Jan. 21st premiere. Besides, even if they lie to me about what happened last season, I won't remember.

Trust Me
Pros: A drama about an ad agency could be fun to watch.
Cons: Don't we already have Mad Men?
Verdict: Giving the Jan 26th premiere a shot.

Oh man, I just realized 90210 came back last week, too. I can't keep up this pace. Is it summer re-runs yet?

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

*SPOILERS-ISH*

So I watched Confessions of a Teen Idol, and...no big surprise here. You get whatcha pay for. In these trying economic times, I understand that maybe VH1 had to shop the bargain basement bin for their ex-teen idols, but this show is really kinda screwed by the fact that they have to keep reminding the viewer who these people are.

I mean, this IS a problem for a show built on the premise that these dudes were super famous once, with a hope of making it big again, no?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure David Chokachi ("David Chokes" for those of us former Beantown babes in the know) was mobbed with female fans in his Baywatch glory days. And though I never pasted Adrian Zmed on my wall, I must admit, I definitely know all the words to every single song from Grease 2.

And at least the Fame guy is sort of compelling in that you can taste how bad he wants to be famous (again).

But in general, I am already tired of how many times I had to be reminded who Eric Nies was (and yet, I still don't know if his last name rhymes with those two knobby things on my legs, the way I describe how the daughters of my brothers are related to me or if it just rhymes with 'guys').

Anyhoo, I'm not a quitter, so I am going to watch next week in the hopes that maybe they'll spice it up with a little more Baio (that lame pseudo hosting cameo is not filling the void). And I'm hoping VH1 (and well, all reality show producers) will give the contrived "storm off the set" fakery a rest.

No, David Chokes, I don't believe for one second you were really gonna leave.

But with Lost, American Idol, and a brand new Bachelor coming up on the docket, that's a lotta tv in my DVR competing for my love though.

You boys better bring it.

Idol Worship

And you thought American Idol was the only game in town! Come January, LOTS of idols are coming your way in addition to all your resolutions.

On Jan 4th, just in time to kick off your New Year, VH1 will debut Confessions of a Teen Idol. The concept? Scott Baio is the host of a weekly series that throws a bunch of washed up heartthrobs in a house together as they try and resurrect their careers. Scott Baio tags along and plays guardian angel. Or something.

Cue the drama:

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Now, I have good news and bad news for you.

First the good: I'm kinda psyched to see Jamie Walters try and make a comeback. Maybe it's the Boston gal in me, but darn it all this one-time Ray Pruit needs another claim to fame besides pushing Donna down the stairs.

Also, I'm glad VH1 took my advice to try and resurrect Christopher Atkins. Good move. Brooke's out of a job, too, with Lipstick Jungle gone, so maybe they'll nab a Lifetime movie together. Cool.

Now the bad: Of all the washed up stars in the universe, did the casting peeps really have to double dip into Baywatch?

WHAT is going on with Billy Hufsey's/the Fame guy's head and how come his hair doesn't fit? And while I'm at it, is it just me or is Scott Baio's hair looking super scary? And to keep the hair trifecta going, Eric Nies, the former Real World/the Grind guy needs a 12 step program away from his flat iron.

Seriously.

Anyway, everybody loves a comeback, though to be fair I'm not sure it's a comeback if I've never heard of you.

I'm talkin' to you, meth-lovin-cast-for-your-drama-Baywatch guy.