(Un) True Confessions

Sometimes I wish I didn't work in television. I wish I lived somewhere in the suburbs of middle America, completely oblivious to the machinations of shameless producers who think their audience is a bunch of idiots.

But I've seen the wizard behind the curtain, hell, I've BEEN the wizard behind the curtain, and I just hate it when I can see those puppet strings so clearly.

And on Confessions of a Teen Idol...there are some MAJOR strings attached.

The premise of this week's episode centered around the has-beens walking a known paparazzi trap and trying to get their picture taken. This would've been a delightful little train wreck to watch, hell I might've even shed a tear for poor, washed up, cruise ship-lovin' Adrian Zmed after he got ignored, if I believed for one second that those were real paparazzi ignoring him and the outcomes of each has-been's walk of shame not completely scripted.

You see kids, let momma 'splain something to you. Generally speaking, unless you are unknowingly starring in your very own Truman Show, the people around you on a daily basis aren't walking around mic'd in case you happen to walk by. But AMAZINGLY, you could hear all the chitter chatter of the paps and their scripted comments about how washed up each d-lister was loud and clear. I even tried to ignore all this fakery like a 10 year old who knows Santa isn't real but still tries to believe. And with this earnest denial in mind, I thought, well maybe we only can hear them because the has-beens are mic'd, and on them are SUPER microphones picking up the dialogue of the paparazzi.

Ok, I'll buy that. I'll even suspend my disbelief further that all of the VH1 cameras are, oh, I don't know, behind a mailbox? A tree? Why do I suddenly picture a camera guy dressed in camouflage with a bush disguising the camera?

But then the paps' conversation continued...long after the has-beens had headed off camera, and likely, over to Craft Service for a snack. By the way, am I also expected to believe that these same actors paparazzi just happen to ask Jeremy about his old sex tape, the very same sex tape he just mentioned a few scenes ago?

Right. Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.





Frankly, this is all making me turn on my man Baio. He is an Executive Producer of this sorry ass show? Is he the one advising Jeremy Jackson to also tout his MYSPACE page? Why don't we just pick up his latest cassingle while we're at it.

Sigh.

Idol Worship

And you thought American Idol was the only game in town! Come January, LOTS of idols are coming your way in addition to all your resolutions.

On Jan 4th, just in time to kick off your New Year, VH1 will debut Confessions of a Teen Idol. The concept? Scott Baio is the host of a weekly series that throws a bunch of washed up heartthrobs in a house together as they try and resurrect their careers. Scott Baio tags along and plays guardian angel. Or something.

Cue the drama:

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Now, I have good news and bad news for you.

First the good: I'm kinda psyched to see Jamie Walters try and make a comeback. Maybe it's the Boston gal in me, but darn it all this one-time Ray Pruit needs another claim to fame besides pushing Donna down the stairs.

Also, I'm glad VH1 took my advice to try and resurrect Christopher Atkins. Good move. Brooke's out of a job, too, with Lipstick Jungle gone, so maybe they'll nab a Lifetime movie together. Cool.

Now the bad: Of all the washed up stars in the universe, did the casting peeps really have to double dip into Baywatch?

WHAT is going on with Billy Hufsey's/the Fame guy's head and how come his hair doesn't fit? And while I'm at it, is it just me or is Scott Baio's hair looking super scary? And to keep the hair trifecta going, Eric Nies, the former Real World/the Grind guy needs a 12 step program away from his flat iron.

Seriously.

Anyway, everybody loves a comeback, though to be fair I'm not sure it's a comeback if I've never heard of you.

I'm talkin' to you, meth-lovin-cast-for-your-drama-Baywatch guy.

Back to the Future

So, a lot of you have opinions about who should end up on Scott Baio's new show. Since the series has an eye toward reviving the careers of former teen idols, I've got a few casting suggestions, VH1...with a little help from my friends:

Christopher Atkins: These days he supposedly owns an outdoor sports company and also has patented his own fishing lure. That's a long way from the Lagoon. Surely you can reel him in.






Ralph Macchio: The Karate Kid seems to get a kick out of poking fun at himself. Or, if he won't do it, why not call up Billy Zabka? Best remembered as Johnny, the bully who tried to "Sweep The Leg", recently he's been taking a shot at stretching out his Karate Kid success.
I'm guessing he's available.


Jason Cerbone: Once the enormously popular but ill-fated Jackie Aprile, Jr. on The Sopranos, he is now, according to IMDB, about to star in...Mafioso II. The cast also includes (STILL ALIVE!) Abe Vigoda, Angie Everhart, and Justin Guarini.

I. Cannot. Make. This. Stuff. Up.

Please, VH1, help him. He needs the kind of hit that doesn't involve the mafia.

Glory Daze

According to Entertainment Weekly my boyfriend Scott Baio is hosting a new series for VH1 where a bunch of washed up teen hearthrobs live in a house and figure out if they should try and become famous again or follow some other path, all with the help of a life coach.

Life coaches are sooooooo trendy.








Anyhoo, I am of course, thrilled, and am betting my bottom dollar they are RIGHT NOW begging Michael Schoeffling to be a part of it. Michael Schoeffling was, of course, the dreamy Jake in Sixteen Candles, the movie that launched a million teen-girl fantasies of being lifted from social obscurity into cool-clique love.

And, as the legend goes, Schoeffling fled Hollywood shortly after this film to become Aidan Shaw a furniture maker in PA. Everyone wants to find him. But, so far, no one has lured him back into the spotlight.


I, for one, am hopeful that they get him or at least guys like 'em. Please, please, please, VH1, no Corey's need apply.

Oh, and here's a tip as you go on your search to fill the former hearthrob slots: I'm pretty sure Patrick Dempsey's already pretty all set with resurrecting HIS career.

Green is Good

So we all know by now that it's an inconvenient truth that the environment's gonna go to hell if we don't all start pitching in and do our share. And so I think it's great Hollywood is doing their part by driving around in those teeny weeny little cars and hanging out with Al Gore. Really, I do.

And so it would follow that I think it's great that Discovery is launching their 24-hour eco-lifestyle television network, Planet Green. I'm all for it. I'm drinking my water out of a non-plastic container next to one of those curvy looking lightbulbs as we speak. Go environment!!!

However...

My dear, dear marketing/programming execs may have overdone it when they decided to come up with all the shows to fill this channel's new lineup. Here's a random sampling: Greenovate, The Green Life, Greensburg, World's Greenest Homes, and Mean Green Machines.

Tom Green has a show. No, I'm not making this up. And somewhere, Pink is kicking herself.

It's like their entire slate came from one of those meetings where everyone, including the day-one interns, has a few drinks and you get to shout out all your ideas and someone sticks them all up on a wall.

Maybe they went a little overboard. They maybe didn't have to pick them all.

Like Hollywood Green with Maria Menounos. The concept? It's an entertainment magazine series about celebs making "green" news headlines. Imagine it now....Scott Baio just used an eco-friendly diaper on his baby! Jennifer Aniston just wiped her mouth with a recyclable paper towel! Exclusive! George Clooney just returned a Coke can!

And for those rare shows without green in the title...well boy, they sure ran out of steam. "Tom Brokaw Specials" is, as you might imagine, described in the press as... a series of specials hosted by Tom Brokaw.

I am kind of excited though. I will totally tune in when they create Green's Anatomy.

Barely Baio

Remember that totally moving finale of Charles in Charge?

Me neither. That's kind of how I felt about this season of Scott Baio. Didn't you kinda stop caring? Did you ever?

I DID, DAMMIT!

So what killed Scott Baio?

It was a lethal combo of Johnny V, too much Scott Baio DOING THE RIGHT THING, and the biggest problem...it was totally overscripted and NOT in a good way.

You spend TWO whole seasons getting Scott Baio down the aisle (not to mention 46 years) VH1, and you throw us that lame redneck wedding? With the random brother Stephen cameo? What, cousin Jimmy wasn't available?

And if you're gonna go scripted, why not fake a little more hesitation to go down the aisle? Or have him break down? Or not throw his 'engagement party' in a room that looked like the executive producer's back office with some tablecloths thrown over the desks?

It's not all bad. I did love (fake or not) when Chachi Scott visited his agent and they joked about all the scripts they were getting in: Frankenbaio, Baiowulf, 28 Baios Later, and my personal favorite Brokeback Baio.

Maybe, just maybe, if there's a Season 3, VH1 will give us...Flavor of Baio.

Or Rock of Baio.

Or Behind the Baio.

Help! I can't stop Baio!

Mysteries of Happy Days

There is a Happy Days coverup going on, and I'm here to expose it.

The Today Show is running a series this week getting together casts of old shows and kicked it off with most of the cast from Happy Days. I have no idea why Scott Baio was not a part of it, especially since he was on Regis & Kelly an hour later. A booking error... or a conspiracy to have every channel become ALL HAPPY DAYS, ALL THE TIME? You decide!

Just kidding, this is not the mystery.

And no, I'm not talking about Chuck.

Everyone who ever talks about the end of Happy Days refers to the Joanie & Chachi wedding, topped off with Mr. C's final farewell. That certainly does SEEM LIKE the logical last episode. Hell, I even posted this clip just the other day.

But it's lies! All lies! There were FIVE more episodes after that 'finale'. This campaign of misinformation must stop NOW. Am I the ONLY ONE who remembers the episode that was a thinly veiled ripoff of the Stephen King movie, "Christine"? Fonzie with the old '55 Chevy? C'mon, people, I know you saw it. Now, it's not a classic (talking about the episode, not the car) like, say, when Fonzie goes blind or meets Mork, but it's out there and it was AFTER that damn Joanie loves Chachi wedding. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

I mean, annnnnnnyway, I'll tell you something that is NOT a mystery. Poor, poor Erin Moran. Little Joanie wants so badly to be famous again it's hearbreaking. Every time that girl is ever on camera, she just says over and over again "I loooooooved it" about her time on Happy Days, like if she keeps saying it over and over, someone will let her play Joanie again. She's definitely pissed those Brady bitches got that variety show.

Well, her prayers have been answered...sort of. Sources tell me she's headed to Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. Now, I don't think she actually needs to lose weight but if it got her mug on tv....well, let's just say she's probably at Arnold's RIGHT NOW downing some cheeseburgers....

Well Played

*Spoilers*

When your show is called "Scott Baio is 46...and Pregnant", it surely presents a problem when cameras aren't allowed in the delivery room. In Sunday night's episode, Renee finally gives birth, but other than a few moments of waiting around, largely, the climactic birth scene occurs off camera.

Surprising? Maybe. And I'm not sure if this was dictated by the situation (hospitals often have filming clauses that kick out cameras if births become of the operating room-variety). It's hard to know if this was pre-planned or not. Maybe Scott Baio actually had a change of heart about revealing too much.

Unfortunately, this season, not-revealing-too-much has actually been a problem. Though I was a huge fan of season 1, as anyone who reads this blog knows, this season has felt largely contrived thus far, like Baio and friends were still playing along with the concept of the show but only on their terms. Other than what-I-hope-weren't-fake tears when Scott visited a church, it's been a little...soulless.

But, by NOT allowing cameras into the delivery room, something far better was revealed.

Behind all the silliness, when this show is good, it has heart. Through intimate photos and audio from the delivery room, a montage set to The Pretenders' "Hymn to Her" told the emotional story. They went for the sappy jugular and they got me. Sue me.

(Now, before you roll your eyes at my complete and utter descent into schmaltz-ville, I will say that the cynical side of me can almost hear VH1 screaming, "What do you mean you don't have the F-ing birth on camera?!!!!")

That aside, something else fun happened. I realized that this show has been quietly and effectively digging up a lot of great (mostly 80's) music worth checking out.

Until this episode, I'd never heard of Hymn to Her, a 1986 Pretenders song (uh, have you?).

And I bet sentimental freaks just like me are running all over the internet to find this song as we speak.

It was also nice to see Aha's song The Sun Always Shines on TV get some new life. Damn, once an 80's girl, always an 80's girl.

But don't worry, in case you think I've totally gotten sucked into some kind of overly emotional vortex, I also liked the Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me/car wash combo to convey that Renee and Scott were going to pretend for the cameras to fill a plot hole have sex.

In case you missed this episode, go to VH1.com for more airings. It IS VH1, so there's like, alot.

Scott Baio is 46...and Scripted

*SPOILERS*

I'm a little worried. There's no one looking more forward to Season 2 Scott Baio than me, but I caught a sneak peak at the first episode (which airs Sunday, January 13th) and the producers are RUINING it!!!!

I mean, I GET it. I'm not un-cynical enough (or non-industry enough) to believe that we weren't seeing alot of scripted situations in Season 1. But, in the first episode of Season 2, which picks up moments after Scott finds out Renee is pregnant, we're supposed to believe his friends show up where he is (already miked) and his BFF Jason Hervey (THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW) is surprised to hear Renee is pregnant?

Uh, I don't think so.

I'm not even going to mention how annoying Johnny V. is or the fact that he showed up in pajamas that were clearly over his clothes. One of my other (bigger) issues is that Scott goes shopping for a house that he decides to buy on the spot.

More like VH1 forked over some cash for a bigger house to shoot in.

I love Scott, and I pledge devotion to Season 2 because I am as pathetic as all the girls he's dated over the years, but please, VH1, try to hide the puppet strings a LITTLE more? Please?

After all, Scott's no wooden boy...well, actually...Oh, forget it!

Sobering Reality

I'm having withdrawls. I need Scott Baio is 45...and Single to start soon.

I was hoping to get you (or at least, me) a sneak peek at season 2 because I think it's important to start building the excitement for season 2 NOW. Our dear Scotty just had a baby...let the hijinks ensue!

So many burning questions about season 2 - Will it be called Scott Baio is 46...and not really single? Will Renee still have that creepy haircut? Will Erin Moran be his nanny?

Well, no previews for you yet, but I thought you'd enjoy this little ditty - a clip from a 1980 afterschool special called "The Boy Who Drank Too Much".

There are so many things I love about this clip.

First, I love that the alcohol counselor could totally be played by Matthew McConaughey.

I love the girl over Lance Kerwin's left shoulder who is totally overacting behind him and desperately trying to emote and make this her big break as Lance delivers his speech.

I love that the name of Scott Baio's character in this is "Buff Saunders". Surprisingly, this NAME is the closest he's come to porn...well, unless they were rolling at the Playboy Mansion.

I love that Scott Baio's shirt is unbuttoned so far down it looks like he is auditioning for American Gigolo, which coincidentally came out the same year.

Cheers!


Unfortunately for Lance Kerwin, his tv career allegedly ended after...well...he drank too much.

Oh Bai-bio

*Spoiler Alert*

So the worst secret in reality tv was revealed on the finale of "Scott Baio is 45...and Single" on Sunday night. He and girlfriend Renee are having a baby.

This show came out of the gate strong, and has been good but could've been great. And yup, I can't stop watchin' the Chach, which is why I'll be shocked if there is not another season chronicling Scott: the new dad and newlywed. I anxiously await that announcement, or else I'll go produce it myself, cuz it's sooooooo watchable!

Now, here's what detracts from the show being great:

-I didn't really need forty seven thousand not so subtle Sidekick product placements throughout the finale. All the text messages that Scott got flaunting the voice technology of his new phone and his Huey Lewis ring was so distracting and irritating it made me long for the days when the only time a song would come on at random like that was when the Fonz would hit a jukebox.

-Jason Hervey, aka Wayne Arnold from the Wonder Years. He is an Exec Producer, yet we dumb viewers are expected to believe every time Scott tells him some new aspect of his life coaching, we have to pretend we don't know he's orchestrating the whole thing. In the finale, the whole over-compensating scene with Jason feigning surprise at the "graduation" date and inability to attend was just so fake!

-File under creepy. Ok, this might actually be a pro, not a con, cuz once again it's a car accident I can't turn away from but Renee and Julie McCullough together? Two identical Stepford Barbie dolls. Ick. Scott has such a weird, predictable fetish.

...But, at the end of the day, what makes this show so great is Scott's total in-on-the-joke awareness and self-deprecating manner. Even though I don't really believe a lot of what I'm seeing, they sell it pretty well. What makes you sucked in is the genuine (seeming) candor Scott speaks with. When Jason suggested Scott go see his cousin, attorney Laura Wasser, because she's the lawyer all the big celebrities use, you gotta love Scott for his quick retort: "If I become a big celebrity again, I'll get her" . And his outburst "I wanna be 30!" is just so real. C'mon, as we get older, we all long once in awhile for our glory days. I'm sucked in, like it or not.

And hey, imagine this: if it's not real, then he actually is a hell of an actor...which is pretty damn ironic isn't it?!!!

Wah, Wah, Wah!

DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'...IN SCOTT BAIO

You know how when you get to a certain age, you know there's no Santa Claus, but still, you eagerly antipate Christmas morning anyway and sneak a peak where your mom's hidden the gifts?

That's kinda how it's been with me and "Scott Baio is 45...and Single". Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus...and his name is Scott Baio!

I just couldn't wait till the Sunday premiere, so I got a preview of the show (thank you VH1 Vspot!). I am happy to report, it does not disappoint!

*Spoilers*
The show is one part "High Fidelity" (he goes back to visit old girlfriends to figure out why he's so screwed up) and one part..."Sopranos". I know, I know, you're thinking, has she lost her mind? "SOPRANOS"???? But, Scott Baio and Tony Soprano have a lot in common. As Scott meets with his Life Coach (can you feel the implied air quotes here?) he's so fabulously, deliciously flawed, it totally pulls you in, and you forget you're watching a 'reality' show. It's more like Dr. Melphi doling out her tough love advice. Unlike Tony, though, Scott's not looking for answers to excuse why he's killed people. He's just trying to figure out why he's been such a douche bag to women.

And, like Tony, even though we know he's been a total cad, somehow...we find ourselves rooting for him.

Oh yeah, and Tony and Scott both sure do seem to like strippers.

Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay-o, Wasting Time...

Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single (image spot)
Uploaded by starbex

Only two weeks to go!

Scott Baio may be 45 and single...but he is also 45 and super skinny..with virtually no chest hair!

BAIO WATCH

Somewhere in the world is the person that approved this magazine cover.

Ladies, your prayers have been answered. Scott Baio returns to tv July 15!!! 'Scott Baio is 45...and Single' premieres on VH1 in just a few short weeks. Is anyone else filled with glee? Are you humming the Joanie Loves Chachi theme song?

Or maybe you're reminiscing about his EMMY award winning performances (yes, it's true) in the ABC After School Specials "Stoned" and "All the Kids Do It".

Come to think of it, when did they stop airing those things? Maybe this is what's wrong with kids today..no After School Specials! If only Paris and Lindsay had such guidance, the roads (and, let's face it, the world) might be a safer place.

Sigh.