The Last Laugh

Look at you, CW Network, becoming all hip and trendy!

If you haven't been paying attention, this is a big week in television, The Upfronts. This is where (hopefully) eager advertisers get a peak at the Fall season and are enticed to part with what's left of their ad budgets to put behind the BIG shows coming up.

The CW, once a poor man's Fox Network, is not so suddenly like, the hippest cat on the dial.

Gossip Girl is of course back on the sked for Season 3 (duh) as is One Tree Hill. America's Top Model? Also back. And the new 90210? Still going.

As for the new stuff...no doubt cashing in on the wild success of the Twilight series, The Vampire Diaries will take a bite out of Thursdays.


In an interesting move, CW has eliminated ALL SITCOMS.

So on that note, I present to you teaser clips for two of their new shows. With the sitcom ban in place, I assume these are not meant to be funny.

First, The Beautiful Life is produced by Ashton Kutcher (WTF?) and stars Mischa Barton in a big acting stretch as a bitchy model. Check it out:

But of course, I know you only care a little about the models. You want to know the fate of the new Melrose Place, which incidentally, will air right after 90210 come Fall. I have no clue why Sydney (Laura Leighton) has become so whispery and breathy in this clip, and I'm not super psyched about the network's press release calling her "still beautiful at 40" (thanks a lot CW...I'll be off to get some Botox now...) but I did enjoy the surprising star who pops up at the end, who, like Laura Leighton, appears to have been cryogenically frozen since Melrose 1.0 went off the air in '99.


Some more fun facts: the pilot was directed by Davis Guggenheim; you may know him for his super cool musem-y name or his famous film, "An Inconvenient Truth"; I know him as Elisabeth Shue's hubby. That's Elisabeth SHUE...as in ANDREW SHUE'S sister. Can a Billy Campbell appearance be far behind?

And speaking of random nepotism-ish stories, the blonde chick that pops up at 1:51 in this clip (who is also the brown haired star on Harper's Island) is the daughter of David Cassidy. As in, "I Think I Love You".

I think I love CW.

It's Not Brain Surgery

Ok, actually, it is.

*spoilers*

Maybe it was the exhaustion of clearing out all the clutter on my DVR from weeks of backlog, or maybe I'm just a hopeless sap (probably), but despite my frequent dissatisfaction with Grey's in recent seasons, I loved the Izzie "twist" wedding on the heels of her recent brain tumor. No, I wasn't exactly SHOCKED, but I kind of loved all the old school drama, and cried like a little girl who just got cut from her softball team. (Ok, FINE, that did happen to me. Softball is scary!)

But here's the thing...is there really anything left to wrap up in a finale? Aren't we like, done now for the summer?

Well, regardless, two hours are comin' at ya on Thursday, and here's what they are going to fill it with, based on the official press materials:

Izzie contemplates a risky surgery to save her life I predict a cliffhanging "Will she or won't she make it?" end, complete with requisite shot of flat-lining heart monitor. Duh.

Mark is ready to take his relationship with Lexie to the next level I don't think I've cared about a couple this little since Brandon dated that annoying reporter girl on 90210.

George delivers stunning news to Bailey, sending shockwaves throughout the hospital This poor dude has had nothing to do for months. Sounds like he's moving on, though who knows? Maybe he's going go on a shooting spree or something. That'd sure liven things up for his storyline. If he isn't leaving, he needs something to elevate him beyond a poor man's Dr. Carter from ER.

As for Meredith and Derek, they have really become the Annoyingtons, haven't they? I have no idea if they are getting married on Thursday, but they need something new to do, too. Give Derek a long lost child, or make the chief Meredith's REAL dad. Something.

One thing's for sure - medical dramas are STILL all the rage after all these years. NBC just announced not one but TWO new medical shows for fall.

Is it wrong that I'm starting to miss ER a little bit?

Spelling it Out

With our beloved Sydney triumphantly returning to the 'new' Melrose, I can almost overlook the hiring of Ashlee Simpson as a sure sign of the apocalypse how much the 'new' 90210 has been botched.

Maybe it makes me old (though not as old as that chick who played Andrea Zuckerman...that chick was like 50 during some of those graduation scenes!). Maybe it makes me a whiner. But wouldn't 90210 two-point-ohhhh have been better if it just plunked down more of those beloved (dare I say iconic) Aaron Spelling characters of yesteryear into circa now? They could just jump on that Lost/Desperate Housewives (and soon Gossip Girl) time travel train...flash backs and flash forwards are all the rage!!

Besides, let's be honest, unless you're Hilary Swank, being an alumni of an Aaron Spelling show? Not always good news, so let's give some of these kids a helping hand. They need work, and not just playing a guidance counselor (Jennie Garth, what are you DOING? Where is that fire survivin' pill poppin' I-choose-me gal that I used to love? Get thee a real plot line for Kelly, quick!).

Spelling Spinoff Alumni Outreach Program Contenders:

"Valerie Malone" Tiffani (sometimes Amber) Theissen: For awhile there, every sinking show was calling on this little vixen to be their secret weapon (this means you, What About Brian, Good Morning Miami and Just Shoot Me). Now? Last year she made a movie called Cyborg Soldier. CYBORG. SOLDIER. Maybe give her a gig on the new Melrose. She can be the new pool boy.

Or something.





"David Silver": Brian Austin Green Oh dear. I thought you were busting outta the pack. You had the hottie Angelina-wanna-be lined up as a blushing bride, and a regular gig on that Terminator series that almost made me forget that rapper thing you tried in the 90's. But girl doesn't want you to put a ring on it, after all, and I think you just croaked on that show.

Maybe time for a plan B, though I'll give it to you for staying in the press, even if this headline is a new low in journalism history.

"Steve Sanders": Ian Ziering He danced back into our hearts for a little while, but the long running gig as the voice of "Biker Mice From Mars" is surely not how this dude wants to be remembered? Give him a penthouse at Melrose. C'mon!

Now about that Candy Spelling. Surely there's a Mommie Dearest remake just waiting to hit the big screen...

Donna Martin graduates

My DVR keeps taping the new 90210 but I keep ignoring it. However, with Tori swinging by for a visit, and frankly, not much else to choose from other than a backlog of Oprah's, I figured what the hey.

Talk about a bad judgment call.

Where oh where to begin?

First, why was Tori channeling dear old dad's show Charlie's Angels? Those awful Farrah rolls in her hair were sooooooo '77. And not in a good way. Also, as it turns out, she saved herself for David for nothing...the big return was a setup to reveal Donna and David are separated. Oops, sorry, forgot to do a spoiler alert.

Right, like anyone besides me is watching this.

Second, Dixon and Annie are supposed to be brother and sister, but frankly, they're a little too close for comfort. They go on a secret road trip together and stay in the same hotel, they're giggling, dare I say flirting?...this is some serious Flowers in the Attic s**t if you ask me.

But the worst part, by far, is the Dr. Pepper product placement overload. I can handle an "organic" (those are air quotes) placement here and there - a subtle can shot...even a 'hey, can you pass me the Dr. Pepper?" I admit, I've produced a few shows that, artistic integrity be damned, have contained a few organic-in-air-quotes product mentions. But OH MY GOD, this was bad.

Like, I literally thought at one point that character Dixon might bust out with "I'm-a-Pepper-you're-a-pepper-wouldn't-you-like-to-be-a-Pepper-too?" as his next line.

I guess times are tough. You gotta do whatcha gotta do.

As a matter of fact, I'm blogger with no income in a recession. Hey Dr. Pepper, come advertise on my site!!!!

Winter's the New Fall

When I was a kid I used to get really excited when the Fall Preview issue of the TV Guide came out. Yes, I was a tv geek even then. (I think it also had a lot to do with my older brothers influencing me, but luckily their love of Star Wars/Star Trek didn't stick, too, or I'd really be in trouble.)

Anyhoo, September always meant 2 things for me: back to school shopping and new TV shows! Now granted, we had 3 channels and it involved that giant antenna thing on the roof to get those channels juuuuuust right, but still, September's always been the place.

These days, though, it seems like January is like the chicest premiere place to be if you're on tv. So, with the new year upon us, my DVR's filling up and I don't know what to do...so I need to talk it out:

Confessions of a Teen Idol
Pros: Chris Atkins is sweet + I'm loyal to my man Baio.
Cons: Following a bunch of has beens who never were.
Verdict: It's like my morning bagel - it's bad for me and I don't even like it that much, but I can't give it up.

Rock of Love Bus
Pros: Hilarious last season, wanna support my friend who works on it, and I've been supporting Poison since 1987.
Cons: I just don't know if I can watch another season of borderline (?) trannies playing mud football again.
Verdict: On the fence

American Idol
Pros: Love the sob stories, fun when it gets down to the final round, potential for Paula to implode on live television.
Cons: 1 hour into the premiere and that new judge reminds me of one of those sales girls who talks down to you in an expensive store even though she's only making 5 bucks an hour.
Verdict: Leaning towards the readers digest/DVR version (just speed thru the auditions and stopping for the sappy ones) until they narrow it down.

The Bachelor
Pros: Haven't come up with any and haven't watched the second ep. Chris Harrison's pretty cool though.
Cons: Bachelor Jason's eyes are too close together and it bugs me.
Verdict: Maybe one more ep then I'll return for the finale.









Lost
Pros: An actual intelligently SCRIPTED show. Imagine that! It's not reality tv!
Cons: Does anyone remember what happened last season?
Verdict: Duh. Wouldn't miss the Jan. 21st premiere. Besides, even if they lie to me about what happened last season, I won't remember.

Trust Me
Pros: A drama about an ad agency could be fun to watch.
Cons: Don't we already have Mad Men?
Verdict: Giving the Jan 26th premiere a shot.

Oh man, I just realized 90210 came back last week, too. I can't keep up this pace. Is it summer re-runs yet?

Good Vibrations

I'm declaring the 90's officially back.

First, the 90210 reprise (no matter how crappy it is). Then, rumblings of the return of Melrose Place (please, PLEASE bring back Andrew Shue).

Today, NBC was trying to get some traction by hinting that maybe, just maybe, George might make a quick return to ER's final season after all.

Yeah, right.

This got me thinking, if only, if only, they could just resurrect Seinfeld, it would be the perfect storm of 90's bliss.

I know we've made, um, quantum leaps since the end of Seinfeld (TEN years ago!), but I swear not a day goes by when I don't have some kind of incident that makes me feel like I'm in an actual episode.

Like today.

It was one of those non-spoken high noon type stand-offs in the laundry room. You know the kind I mean. I'm waiting for a machine. The weird lady folding her giant granny panties knows I'm waiting for a machine, yet no one says anything.

And so I wait. She knows I'm waiting. I know she knows I know she knows I'm waiting.

And still I wait.

Sigh.

I miss when Seinfeld would relish these moments in all their high waisted-jean glory. Since I know it ain't comin' back, I guess I'll have to just be content with other 90's-esque satisfaction, like a Democrat in the White House.

And in the meantime, I guess I'll just return to My So-Called Life.

9021-oh-no!

With the Emmy's around the corner (my Superbowl), I feel inspired. I haven't given out my own awards in awhile. So, today I present you with an all-90210 edition:

*Spoilers*

Worst use of a green screen, or, most unrealistic drive since I played Pole Position at the mall arcade in 1986 award: Dixon and Silver's spin through Beverly Hills in Jessica's 'car' looked so fake I was surprised the Wicked Witch of the West didn't come riding by on her bike in the background.

Most changes to a hairstyle in a single hour, or, hire a continuity person, stat! award: Naomi's hair, which seemingly went from short to long over a night...and also went from super hot rollered to straight-ish in the time it took for her to walk from her locker to outdoors.




Best reason not to smoke, ever, award: Jessica Walter's crinkled up, scary looking lips that were at least a distraction from her over the top bad acting as the grandmother/new drama teacher.


Biggest guest star appearance to not live up to the hype award: Shannen Doherty, whose only function seems to be to utter random reminders of the departed cast members ("I can still hear the chants of Donna Martin graduates...").












Biggest "We're still holding out hope that we can convince Luke Perry to swing by on his motorcycle and liven up this place" award: That goes to the producers and writers, when it was revealed last night that the father of Kelly's baby is Dylan. At least, I think that's what they revealed?!

Chuck Cunningham award: Where is that girl Adrianna from the pilot? The theater girl with the drug problem?

At least Nat's still kickin' around.

Just Say Cheese!

Wow, the claws are out on 90210! And I'm not even talking about all the scandal that went down on last night's premiere...

It's the critics! All of the reviews I've seen thus far seem to me like they were kind of written in advance by some pissy haters that were miffed that the C-Dubya didn't release advance copies of the show. What did you expect, people? Shakespeare?

First of all, take Variety's review: "The second hour gets a big boost from the appearance of Shannen Doherty returning as Brenda," writes Laura Fries. Really? Yes, we all tuned in to see the return of infamous Brenda, but seriously? She was in it for like 2 seconds. A big boost? Not so much.

I do agree that Jessica Walter (the grandmother) was doing some serious "scenery chewing". And for me, Silver's cartoony blog thing was annoying as hell...and not just cuz I'm, well, a blogger, but because it was about as real-feeling as that early-incarnation-of-email moment in Pretty in Pink when Andrew McCarthy video-emails Molly Ringwald in the library.

But I digress.

I just don't understand all the hating! It was fun...in that guilty pleasure sorta way that only 90210 can bring you anyway. So I say, just give in. It's like when I opened my boyfriend's refrigerator recently and found Cheese Whiz lurking in the back. Sure, I pretended to be horrified but let's be honest...I really just wanted to nuke that sucker and spread it on some crackers.

Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker didn't like when the Ethan character declared "I'm breaking up with us". C'mon, Ken! Any 90210 connoisseur knows that was just a modern day update of Kelly's famous "I choose me" line from the 90210 of yesteryear.

Hey, it might be cheesy, but it's OH so good.

Simply the Best

A friend of mine at work today asked me what shows I would consider my favorites of all time. Oh the pressure! I hate dealing in superlatives because it really stresses me out. Does picking my own personal bests of the best DEFINE me? Is this like that episode of Friends where we find out Rachel lies and says her favorite movie is Dangerous Liaisons but it's really Weekend at Bernie's?

I mean, there's my comfort food...Sex and the City and well, Friends. I'm still watching these night after night in reruns. No matter that the DVD's are in reach. We've talked about this.

Then there's those tv landscape altering shows...the Lost's and The Soprano's.

But what about those yummy guilty pleasures? Would you judge me if I said that I fondly remember rushing home to watch Party of Five to see Bailey's Intervention? And that my roommate and I sat speechless and teary eyed all through the episode sipping white zinfandel? Yes, white zinfandel. Go ahead and continue to judge me. I was young and foolish...but not so young and foolish as to not appreciate the genius (ok, hotness) of pre-Lost Matthew Fox in his earlier role as Charlie.

Once upon a time I was big on Ally McBeal, The Practice and Happy Days. Not really in that order, but you get the gist. And I totally wanted to go off to private school once I starting watching The Facts of Life.

Calm down. I'm not equating The Facts of Life with, say, The Sopranos. But, in its era, it is one of those shows that I rushed home for.

Which brings me to something else. We don't rush home anymore! Not for TV. In this post-DVR world, it's all about spoiler alerts and On Demand. I kind of miss worrying if I taped over the finale of Felicity with 90210.

Ah, Felicity. If only she hadn't cut her hair, I might be DVR-ing THAT favorite as we speak. Well, DVR-ing it AND drinking maybe a nice Cabernet?

Let's Do the Time Warp Again

90210 is within reach. And while I'm sure I'll get sucked into the high school hi-jinks, I'm watching it for the same reasons you are...to see Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty go home again.

And, I'm pretty pysched to see Rob Estes (the one and only Kyle McBride from Melrose) popping up on that show, too.

But something is bothering me.

Shows set in high school are all the rage now (I'm talkin' to you, Gossip Girl), but a lot of well known stars from MY youth are showing up on these teeny bopper shows in the grown up role, and it's making me realize something.

I'm kinda old.

Ish.

I mean, this weekend I got introduced to One Tree Hill (shout out to that certain cute Boston boy who turned me on to One Tree Hill, by the way). Now let's keep in mind that I am still watching season 1 circa 2003, but I tune in to this thing and the bad guy father is none other than 90210's brief bad boy John Sears (Paul Johansson)?! Remember, John Sears was the dude that screwed over Kelly? And now he's playing the dad?

And I'm sorry, I cannot handle Moira Kelly as the MOM. She'll always be the sassy Cutting Edge skater to me.

Well, I guess this is what happens. We may all have to get older, but we can at least relive our lives once lived by lockers over and over again courtesy of the TV. So, it turns out you CAN go home again...or at least stop by in a cameo role.

By the way, how come I never even SAW Varsity Blues and yet all I can hear in my head as I write this is James Van Der Beek in the trailer yelling "I don't want yer life!!!"

90210 2.0

It's coming.

It's coming and you can't stop it.

This Fall, CW, home of new classics like Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model, is bringing us 90210, the new-but-let's-be-honest-how-could-it-possibly-be-improved?-version. I'm excited and scared at the same time.

As you've probably already heard, it looks like both Jennie Garth AND Tori Spelling are coming back. And now, word arrives that Shannen Doherty might, just might, also be moving back to Cali's favorite zip code.

But no Dylan?! Sigh. Luke Perry has decided he and the pompadour are not returning. I heart Luke and wish he would come back, but I understand he is destined for more movies of the week bigger and better things.

In Luke's honor, let's all remember the greatest moment in the history of 90210, the episode where Dylan's wife Toni is shot one day after their wedding:



Don't lie. You cried, too...maybe just not as hard as when Ray Pruit (Jamie Walters) threw Donna (Tori Spelling) down the stairs.

Relationships Worse Than Yours

In honor of bringing all of the Valentine's Day celebrating to a close, I bring you this bonus post.

Feeling blue that your partner couldn't even manage to buy you carnations from your local deli? Does your romantic night out involve the phrase "Do you wanna supersize that?" [I'm talking dinner. Get your mind out of the gutter. Or don't. No judgments.]

Buck up little campers! It could be worse. You could be one half of one of THESE couples...

Jack and Kate on LOST. Ok, technically they're not a couple. But, whoever ends up with this dude has a built-in future that involves him growing a gross beard, being drunk all the time and wanting to jump off a bridge. Not fun.




Ross and Rachel on FRIENDS. 'On a break' my ass. Cheater.

















Kelly & Dylan, Kelly & Brandon on 90210. Three words of caution to would-be Kelly suitors: "I choose me".






Izzy & Denny on GREY'S ANATOMY. Whenever a defibrillator figures heavily into your courtship, it can't be good.



Enjoy your overpriced dinner tonight!
Mwah!

Must See Monday

After all of these weeks of suffering, Premiere Week is finally here. Thank God. I almost had to start reading.

First up, ABC's dishing up some serious reality tv. Dancing with the Stars is on at 8pm. I just can't commit this season. Too many hours! There's the show, then the recap of the show, then the recap of the recap...my DVR just cannot accommodate it all. I mean, of course I'll peak at it. Gotta see what the latest 90210-er is up to, how Scary Spice fares...but of course the REAL reason I'll tune in a little is to see...Albert Reed.

I mean I'll tune in to see WHO Albert Reed is. Maybe the title should be "Dancing With SOME Stars".

If you're not too cha cha'd out, you can watch the 87th season of The Bachelor at 9:30pm. This season, it appears they've drafted a college dropout/bar owner as The Bachelor. Remember when they'd at least pretend to make the guy seem rich and important? Note to the producers: Bring back The Bachelorette! Your target audience is desperate single 30-something women, and they (ok, we) don't want to see some guy choose some 22-year old drunk idiot to be his "wife".

But... we totally wanna see a bunch of hot guys competing and live vicariously through the gal that gets to choose him.

Enough with the reality wasteland. Just make sure you watch "How I Met Your Mother" at 8pm on CBS. If you weren't already watching the last 2 seasons, you were missing out. It is - wait for it - awesome.