What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Hello kiddies!

Greetings from work-a-holic land! Do you feel neglected? Think I've forgotten about you? It isn't so. But for the duration of the summer, I am work, work, work-ing round the clock on a TLC show (so guess I'll table the Jon + Kate comments for now so as not to piss off the network that feeds me) and I've had no time for blogging.

But I've been thinking of you! A free association rundown of stuff that's popped into my head over the past month.

Michael Jackson I know my girl Oprah has been on vaca (thus the thousands of re-runs my DVR keeps picking up that are the same two themes: "How to live in the recession" and "How to look younger/thinner") but seriously, she couldn't come back from whatever castle she's staying at to do a show on MJ's passing? I know what you're thinking, do we really need any more coverage? CNN is already ALL MJ ALL THE TIME. But still...you just know she's coming back from holiday with Michael's besties rounded up. And I mean the big ones - Liz Taylor, Macaulay Culkin, that Webster kid...if I know O, it's gonna look like the set of the next Surreal Life.

I kinda can't wait. I know it's wrong.

Kate Winslet This is probably super old news, but I keep stumbling into these quotes and articles where Kate says how pissed she is that magazines airbrush her because she wants to keep it real.

Dear Magazine Editors, if I should ever become famous for some reason, please feel free to airbrush the crap out of me. Go nuts! Not interested in looking real whatsoever. xoxo Krista

What Not to Watch Man oh man, I mean, I know I've been busy, but there is NOTHING on. Nothing. I turned on 5 minutes of "Miami Social" on Bravo and it was the 5 most annoying, whiny moments in tv history. Don't go there, not even if you're a fan of that girl from the Apprentice that has surfaced on this show. And now that other Apprentice alum, Bill Rancic, and his wife, Giuliana (from E!) are doing a Newlyweds-ish show on Style?

Good luck kids. Hope the divorce lawyer is on speed dial.

Glimmers of Hope Only a few weeks till Mad Men. And, this week I'll at least be entertained by tuning in to the last 15 minutes of "The Bachelorette" just to see the most shocking whatever ever, even though I haven't watched for 95% of the season and even though NO WAY is that girl hot enough to have all those dudes fighting over her.

Speaking of desperation, should I watch "More to Love", the Bachelor for the plus sized?

Yeah, maybe it's best I'm too busy working on tv to actually watch it.

Jon + Kate plus Hate

I am hungover.

No, I did not drink last night, but I am still recovering from the major BUMMER STORM that was Jon + Kate Plus 8. Now, I know what you're thinking - didn't she just say yesterday that she wasn't going to cave and watch it?

Boredom's a bitch.

Well, that and the gravitational pull from all the Facebook status updates imploring me to tune in.

Now, I have never, ever seen this show. I do not know what the appeal of it is/was supposed to be, though I suspect it's mainly in seeing the super cute kids x 8 say adorable things as they get into hijinks. But man oh man, that is not what last night's episode was about.

The bulk of the ep contained alternating interviews with Jon and Kate seemingly alluding to, but, it should be noted, never actually saying how much they hate each other. This was depressing in proportions so epic, I could've watched a movie marathon of Schindler's List, Leaving Las Vegas and Terms of Endearment (maybe a doc on puppy mills, too) and still felt better. Seriously! This was like an infomercial for misery!

Again, I must openly confess I have never seen this show, so maybe this unfortunate random sampling is not the norm, but I found a disturbing contrast between Jon, who seemed like a hostage, and Kate, who was just a wee bit she-doth-protest-too-loudly-ish about hating all the tabloid attention. Jon, it's ok if you were cavorting in bars at 2am...that bee-otch would drive me to drink, too.

Well, I gave it a shot but I like my reality TV the same way I like my comfort food: cheesy and easy.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, who knew you would suddenly become my beacons of hope?

Judgment Day

It started innocently enough.

The finales are over. It's not quite summer. The premiere of Mad Men Season 3, is far, far away, and I still don't have a job.

What's a girl to do to pass the time?

I'll tell ya what she shouldn't do. She should NOT watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but of course, that is exactly what I did.

I've resisted all the other incarnations of this franchise, because I've realllllly grown weary of these attention-whore populated reality shows, but still, when a friend told me it was HIGH-larious, I caved.


Is it entertaining? Of course, in a very SNL version of the Sopranos kind of way. Are the women on the program appalling? Totally, especially that creepy plastic-faced one, Danielle. Do I think I'll watch it again?

Um, probably.

Fine, judge me all you want! But, I'm not working and quite frankly as guilty pleasures go, this one's like Cheez Whiz wrapped in bacon. On top of a Dorito. With some Cheetos on the side.

Hmm, maybe I'm just hungry.

Anyway, this is pure camp. The most vapid, McMansion-filled, bad for Jerzzzzzzzey hour of television, ever. Cat fights? Check. Big hair? Check. Bad Accents? Like, oh my gawd, check.

In other words, set your DVR.

Judge me if you want to, but in my defense, at least I did not fall prey to the marketing machine that is Jon and Kate plus their publicists 8. However, if YOU want to, the season premiere is tonight on TLC.

And the next new episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is Tuesday, on Bravo.

The Name Game

TV People spend a heck of a lot of time sweating what their shows are going to be named. Just recently, I ranted about the green-a-palooza that is Planet Green. With the onslaught of new programming announcements, I took another spin to see some of the best (and worst).

Oh boy... there are some good ones.

On TLC, there's "This is Why You're Single", which is what my friends say to me once a week an intervention show for long-time singles.

On Animal Planet, "Stray to Hey" is about abandoned stray dogs who get new homes after getting a makeover. Wait, WHAT? Dogs getting a makeover? God I love that title, but if Carson Kressley is involved I am going to be concerned.

I actually should start watching Animal Planet. They already have "Escape to Chimp Eden" and "Groomer Has It". I have no idea what these shows are about, but the names alone are like, totally awesome.

Now, when I read in Variety that "Would You Rather" was a newly announced show hosted by Howie Mandel "where people have to decide between two equally unpleasant options", imagine my dismay.

"Would You Rather" is NOT a Bachelor-style dating show starring Dan Rather as the name would suggest.

Damn... and here I was hoping Dan might be our new Rock of Love.