More Lip Schtick

Oh dear.  After the media blitz of last week's "Harry Loves Lisa" premiere, I thought we'd be all tv-plastic-surgery-starred out, no? Now,  I have to admit, I thought Lisa's cheerleadery support of Harry was sort of (gasp) genuine-seeming, but the lips! Oh, the lips!  They make me so sad!  Yet, I was powerless to look away. The Hamlin-Rinnas + TV Land know this, and so they've made La Lips the lip-pin, er, lynchpin of their marketing campaign for the show.

Give 'em credit, they know how to put their best foot forward.  Or best lips forward.

Whatever. 

But now, the latest reality show I will become powerless to resist is premiering on Bravo this Thursday.  Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, Botox fans and others, I present to you:

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!!!!

No, I can't believe I'm promoting this crap, either.   The only Housewives franchise I have ever watched is New Jersey, but even that could only hold me for one season. How many episodes in a row can a girl take of the "Danielle-is-here...oh-my-gawd-that-whooooo-rah" theme song, ya know?

(Ok, full disclosure, I watched Bethenny Frankel on "Bethenny Getting Married" even though I'd never seen the NY franchise, but I swear she's somewhat normal...at least, normal using the Bravo television barometer.)

Anyhoo, I watched Bravo's preview clip  and these ladies terrify and intrigue me at the same time.  With Camille (Mrs. Kelsey) Grammer on board, no doubt the schadenfreude-tastic thrill of watching the implosion of her marriage to Kelsey will be the rubber neck draw of the series that Ms. Rinna's lips are on "Harry Loves Lisa".  

Plus, it's got TWO Hilton relatives/ex-child stars, some woman named Lisa VanderPump (I couldn't make that up) who not only looks like Jackie Collins but could star in her awesomely trashy movies-of-the-week, a Maloof wife AND one woman with a very surgically altered lip.  And a partridge in a pear tree.  

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the freakiest of them all?

Jon + Kate plus Hate

I am hungover.

No, I did not drink last night, but I am still recovering from the major BUMMER STORM that was Jon + Kate Plus 8. Now, I know what you're thinking - didn't she just say yesterday that she wasn't going to cave and watch it?

Boredom's a bitch.

Well, that and the gravitational pull from all the Facebook status updates imploring me to tune in.

Now, I have never, ever seen this show. I do not know what the appeal of it is/was supposed to be, though I suspect it's mainly in seeing the super cute kids x 8 say adorable things as they get into hijinks. But man oh man, that is not what last night's episode was about.

The bulk of the ep contained alternating interviews with Jon and Kate seemingly alluding to, but, it should be noted, never actually saying how much they hate each other. This was depressing in proportions so epic, I could've watched a movie marathon of Schindler's List, Leaving Las Vegas and Terms of Endearment (maybe a doc on puppy mills, too) and still felt better. Seriously! This was like an infomercial for misery!

Again, I must openly confess I have never seen this show, so maybe this unfortunate random sampling is not the norm, but I found a disturbing contrast between Jon, who seemed like a hostage, and Kate, who was just a wee bit she-doth-protest-too-loudly-ish about hating all the tabloid attention. Jon, it's ok if you were cavorting in bars at 2am...that bee-otch would drive me to drink, too.

Well, I gave it a shot but I like my reality TV the same way I like my comfort food: cheesy and easy.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, who knew you would suddenly become my beacons of hope?

Judgment Day

It started innocently enough.

The finales are over. It's not quite summer. The premiere of Mad Men Season 3, is far, far away, and I still don't have a job.

What's a girl to do to pass the time?

I'll tell ya what she shouldn't do. She should NOT watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but of course, that is exactly what I did.

I've resisted all the other incarnations of this franchise, because I've realllllly grown weary of these attention-whore populated reality shows, but still, when a friend told me it was HIGH-larious, I caved.


Is it entertaining? Of course, in a very SNL version of the Sopranos kind of way. Are the women on the program appalling? Totally, especially that creepy plastic-faced one, Danielle. Do I think I'll watch it again?

Um, probably.

Fine, judge me all you want! But, I'm not working and quite frankly as guilty pleasures go, this one's like Cheez Whiz wrapped in bacon. On top of a Dorito. With some Cheetos on the side.

Hmm, maybe I'm just hungry.

Anyway, this is pure camp. The most vapid, McMansion-filled, bad for Jerzzzzzzzey hour of television, ever. Cat fights? Check. Big hair? Check. Bad Accents? Like, oh my gawd, check.

In other words, set your DVR.

Judge me if you want to, but in my defense, at least I did not fall prey to the marketing machine that is Jon and Kate plus their publicists 8. However, if YOU want to, the season premiere is tonight on TLC.

And the next new episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is Tuesday, on Bravo.

In Fashion

Maybe it's the steady diet of fashion I've had all week (no, not that kind of fashion diet...no ciggies or puking here). But, I have been filming at NY Fashion Week and my stilettos have been knee deep in fashionistas.

(Can stilettos be knee deep? Maybe they can be knee high. Or maybe all this fashion weeking has given me a clear case of ADD. I digress...)

Anyhoo, despite my round the clock dealings with all things fashion, I found time to watch the new Bravo show "The Rachel Zoe Project". I expected to hate it. I expected to hate her.

But you know what? You can't always judge a gal by her super-skinny, über tanned cover.

Sure, the narrative was as expected. The quest for the perfect dress. The glimpses of celebs for the TMZ-lovin' set. And sorry assistant gal Taylor, you have clearly been assigned the role of the villain.

Surprisingly, though, despite Zoe's rep in the tabloids, she's pretty likable, and her passion for what she does comes across as genuine as the leather on her Birkin bag.

And so I'm adding Rachel Zoe to my list of what to wear watch. Besides, once Fashion Week ends, I'm gonna be craving a little sartorial splendor more than those models will be craving carbs.

Where the Boys Are

I'm kind of a sucker for cute boys. So, when an ESPECIALLY cute one in Boston suggested I check out Date My Ex: Jo & Slade, how could I resist?

Oh dear. Cute boys are always getting me into trouble.

Well, I did check it out. I would've liked to check out the pilot (get it together Bravo - make it easier to watch episodes online!) but instead I watched a random episode.

Now, if you don't know the premise, from what I can tell from my non-scientific random sampling, Jo dates 3 guys on each episode, and then picks one to stay on to the following week. The big twist is that her ex Slade Smiley lurks and gives her advice on who to keep around and also tells the guys what's what.

Slade Smiley. Possibly the fakest porn/cartoon name I've ever heard. Ok, actually, the only porn/cartoon name I've ever heard.

Oh and there's some weird Spice-Girl-Castoff-looking host or friend or something that also chimes in from time to time. Chris Harrison, she is not. Anyhoo, I don't really know what happens with these dudes once she collects them all, but I can tell you what I would do.

Run!

This is the biggest bunch of tools I've seen in one place since I worked on a home makeover show.

Ick.

It's mildly amusing. It's certainly a different spin on the Bachelor premise (how many can they possibly do, by the way?!). But, I don't like any of these generic pretty boy soulless guys. Not one bit. And, this 'reality' show is so fake and contrived that I'm surprised these guys aren't reading their lines off a teleprompter.

I feel bad for Jo. It must suck having the only dating options be someone they have to pay to hang out with you reality cartoon characters and the ex with the cartoon porn name.

Get with it, Jo! There are way cuter boys east of LA. Take it from me.

Dance Fever

*SPOILERS*

I've got a bit of dance on the brain, and not just cuz EVERY network seems to have a dance show: Dancing with the Stars, America's Best Dance Crew, So You Think You Can Dance, Your Mama Don't Dance and of course, Step It Up and Dance.

It's important you say that last one as botoxed zombie host Elizabeth Berkley says it, Step it up ANNNNNNNNNND Dance. (Do you even KNOW how much will power it took for me to take the high road and not post a Showgirls pic??)

I have dance on the brain because I saw A Chorus Line for the first time this weekend (with Mario Lopez, natch) and realized Step it up and Dance is basically (duh) kind of just a weekly real life version of this very show. Ok, a reality show real life, but real-iSH.

And I felt the same heartbreak when the fictional auditioners in A Chorus Line got cut as I did when I watched real life Oscar get eliminated this week because the producers kept Michael for drama on Step it up and Dance. I mean, ANNNNND Dance.

Now, I have already mentioned in the interest of full disclosure that I have met Oscar, but, bias aside...there were some sketchy machinations going on. Like, what a co-WINK-ee-dink that the 4 dancers on the winning team went boy girl boy girl...just as the dance number required.

And I appreciate that Jason Alexander has this whole other dance-related life unrelated to Seinfeld, but A) let's be honest, the whole time you were watching you kept thinking, WHAT is George Costanza doing here? and B) if he was not there in a voting capacity then why have him?

Finally, while I continue to cry FOUL at the Damn Yankees challenge that sent dear Oscar home, on the Bravo site, you can vote for who YOU think should've gone home. Now, I admit my computer is so old, it's practically the one from the 1984 Apple commercial, but when I tried to vote for Michael as the loser...it didn't work.

Bravo web people, now it's time for YOU to do some fancy footwork.

Baby Steps

You know, truth be told, I'll take a great big heart-tugging drama over a reality show any day, but I do think people are too quick to pass judgment on reality shows and assume they're all exploitive pieces of trash (or in the case of my parents, that all 'reality' shows involve dares to get people to eat live bugs...is Fear Factor even still on? Wasn't George Clooney's girlfriend on that show? Do I actually have this much ADD that I am digressing this much inside the parentheses?).

Anyhoo, tick tock, as we await the return of the post-strike juggernaut of programming like Grey's Anatomy, 30 Rock, and Lost, I've stumbled upon a few reality jems.

First, over on Bravo, I really got into the premiere of Step It Up and Dance. Now, full disclosure, I must admit I not only recently met contestant Oscar but also actually watched the premiere at his apartment, however, "Step It Up and Dance" is like, really, really fun TV!
First, the timing for the show is perfect: dancing hasn't been this big since Patrick Swayze took Baby out of a corner in 1987.
Second, it's still got a little freak factor. Watching Elizabeth Berkley on that show, well, I can't possibly say it any better than NY Times writer Ginia Bellafante: "Ms. Berkley looks as if a rolling pin has been applied to her forehead, intimidating into fearful compliance any wrinkle that might labor to emerge".
And finally, it's freaking Fame-worthy fun! What a feelin'...oh, wait, it's Flashdance-worthy fun! Watch it on Thursdays at 10p on Bravo and root along with me for Oscar.

Next, I watched a full on marathon Saturday night of High School Reunion on TV Land (is it really any wonder why I'm single?). I watched seriously like 7 episodes. Basically, these genius casting people found the most perfect high school archetypes ever from the class of 1987 and shoved them all in a house for like 2 weeks to get them to hook up, then set the whole thing to 80's music. What else does one need? You can jump on the bandwagon, too. It's cheesy, it's fluff, and...it's not too late. The finale is on Wed at 10 on TV Land.

Finally, MTV's got Rock the Cradle (also Thurs at 10, so if you're jumping on my Step it Up bandwagon, there's Tivo-ing involved). Offspring of celeb singers (real celebs for the most part, not too many punchlines save for MC Hammer) compete in an American Idol-like sing off each week. Lucy Walsh (daughter of Joe Walsh) is the one to beat, while Chloe Lattanzi (daughter of Olivia Newton-John) clearly needs mental health counseling on a Britney size level. Her face is screwed up in a really really big, Meg Ryan-Lara Flynn Boyle-Melanie Griffith sort of way, and this young thing is like 22! Get this girl out of the spotlight, stat!

No live bugs were harmed in the making of any of these shows...as far as I know.