On a Break

This is a terrible relationship. You promise to give me answers, but you lie. You lead me on. I’ve given you what – almost 5 years? And what do you give me in return? Just a whole lotta smoke and mirrors. And I mean a WHOLE LOTTA smoke.

Damn you, LOST producers!!!! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…well, I am just an idiot.

*Spoilers*

TWO HOURS of “Jacob” wandering around in people’s past lives with no real payoff? THREE if you count the extra hour of re-hash that I did not watch, FOUR if you count the re-hash last week or the week before. It’s all blurring together and still taking up precious DVR space. And BTW, when did the going rate for finales become THREE hours anyway? I’m talking to you, The Apprentice and The Biggest Loser finales.

Can’t you answer anything? Like, what about that smoke monster? How are all these people inter-connected? How come we once saw Jin say he had never married in a flashback a few seasons ago?

And here’s a few more questions to ponder …

Is it just me, or do Juliet, Penny, and the young version of the mom of the scientist guy all kind of look the same?







Did it strike anyone else as odd that while Sayid lay bleeding to death from his gunshot wound, Jack stopped down for a heart to heart with Sawyer?

Listen up, makers of LOST, I think it was genius when you threw the flash forward at us in last season’s cliffhanger (or was it the season before? Who can remember?). And at first, despite the absurdity of what appeared to be some sort of wagon wheel determining the time shift, it was sort of cool the way you jumped from the past to the future.

But now it’s just exhausting. All that and you keep throwing MORE characters in the mix? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I love challenging television. I swear I have the brain capacity to handle complexities far more advanced than The Bachelor.

But seriously, can you throw me a bone?

You've got nine months to produce the next LOST baby. I want answers. I want the truth.

I can handle it.

Liar, Liar

*Spoilers galore!*

Last week, I was kind of pumped up after watching the Brothers and Sisters promo for their 2 hour movie. That show has followed a path of ok, awesome, who cares, and ok over the few seasons it's been on. But when their promo was touting a death? Well, in the world of dramas...deaths and weddings? We love 'em!!

But then I was feeling a little sad, cuz it looked like Rob Lowe's character, Senator McAllister, was a goner. I've loved that Rob Lowe ever since he was Sodapop Curtis! Why, oh why, would they kill him off? But when good 'ol Robbie survived the heart attack and all, I thought, OOOH, plot twist! Tommy is gonna get offed by Holly! That's gotta be it, I hope?! Those ads promised me a death, dammit!

Frankly, as the clock ticked on, I started to panic about who the grim reaper would send off to TV heaven...especially when Kitty put a loose blanket into that new baby's crib. Eek! Suffocation alert!

But here's the thing...no one bit the dust! That baby was as snuggly as a Snuggie one scene later, Tommy is just an embezzler, and the Senator is just ruthless, not dead.

What gives, ABC?

The show was actually one of the best I've seen in awhile. So why fake us out with the death promise? We would've been totally tuned in anyway if you'd just stuck with Cliffhanger 101 and kept it to the "Will he or won't he make it?" teases.

Cue the shot of the flat line. Duh.

And speaking of fake outs and ABC, by now you've all heard about the little switcheroo on the Bachelor Monday night. Maybe it's all legit: Jason's just a loser who dumped his fiance ON TELEVISION for the runner up. Not scripted by the producers at all.

Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.

Finally, rounding out this week's trifecta of fakery, this poor dude Dane Patterson from The Biggest Loser...he lost like 100 pounds in 8 weeks, and now all anyone can talk about is the fact that even though he ran 23 of the 26.2 miles of a marathon, an overzealous producer in need of their all important finish line shot, like, NOW, drove him to the finish line.

Drove him. Like, get in the car and take a load off. Maybe we'll get a hoagie on the way.

Sigh.

Can we believe anything on TV anymore? Next thing you know, you'll tell me Trump's hair isn't naturally like that....

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Get Lost

*SPOILERS*

It's no secret I have commitment issues. I can't stick with shows like "The Biggest Loser" because it's too much WORK. All those hours to watch people cry and run up hills with, like, cement blocks strapped to them is just too much. So, even though I watched the first few eps of "The Biggest Loser: Couples" this season, I kinda gave up.

But I love me some tear-jerkin' finale.

So, I DVR'd said finale and had all of these random thoughts as I watched while eating Ritz crackers slathered in cream cheese for dinner because that's all that's in my fridge besides some old mayonnaise and those soy sauce packets that come with sushi:

-Am I going to get hate mail if I admit I thought, 'would it kill Alison Sweeney to do some tricep exercises to host this show'?

-Why does that lady Bette-Sue wear bifocals 24/7 like she's about to grade my english mid-term?

-Is trainer Bob wearing an ascot?!

-When I see a shot of a contestant shoveling in food in a 'before' video, it's pretty hard not to picture the producer saying, "can you just take ONE more bite of the hoagie?"

-Am I actually crying because that dude with the faux-hawk lost 136 pounds?

OK, TWO freaking hours of build up for that Ali chick to win a quarter of a million bucks and to be the "first woman in Biggest Loser history to win" and they roll credits before she gets to talk?

Now THAT is the biggest loser thing to do of all.

Have You Heard About the Lonesome Loser...?

Yes, that's me. My latest guilty pleasure is the Biggest Loser: Couples. Why?
Not because of the handy weight loss tips (What, you don't have an air balloon handy to pull across a field? It's sooooo much better than the treadmill).

Not because I like to continually marvel at trainer Bob's cro-magnum head.

And, not because I like to watch Jillian suffer through her scripted product placement (though watching her shill for Brita with a puss on her face was kinda fun).

I love the romance that I promise you will unfold this season. Paul and Kelly are a couple of exes that have teamed up to lose weight. Listen to mama, this couple will be svelte and back together by the finale. I can taste it.

And I will be front and center like a blubbering idiot.

Brittany and Bernie are two other contestants that I predict will be "together" by season's end. Brittany and Bernie were the two "home" contestants that weren't part of the normal casting process - meaning that they were the only couple who didn't know each other before being paired up. But, I can practically SEE the producers pulling the strings on these two. They sort of both have that cute-people-trapped-in-big-bodies look. I predict these two are totally gonna make out.

And it's not like I don't KNOW the producers are totally manipulating me. I don't care. Who doesn't like a little lovin'?

In fact, maybe they should rename the show "Big Love".
Uh, oops, guess that one's taken.

Food for Thought

When are we gonna beeeeeeeeee there? Labor Day is over, and now we're in that odd pre-fall season no-man's land of nothing to watch for a few more weeks.

Don't worry little campers, I'll help you find something to pass the time. I'm not gonna force you to get outside and enjoy the waning nice weather.

First off, Tuesday night boasts a special "The Biggest Loser". While the premiere episode of the new season doesn't start till Sept 11th, you can at least check out a 'Where are they now?' update show. So, if you're a skinny optimist, you can watch and hope all those contestants have stayed svelte. Or, if you're a porky pessimist, you can feel better about yourself knowing that they couldn't keep it off, either. See, don't you feel better already about that 2nd burger you had at the Labor Day BBQ?

Tuesday is also Whoopi's first day on The View. Her first guest is Danny DeVito. No word on whether Whoopi has a new "get hammered with the guests" segment...but that sure would be fun!

Finally, Wednesday, Matt Lauer and Larry King are both claiming EXCLUSIVE interviews with Bill Clinton. I guess we should watch both cuz he's hawking his new book to show us how to change the world...um, that's kind of a lot of pressure but, ok.

Anyhoo, we'll get through these next 20 days together, somehow...1 show at a time. In the meantime, just sleep soundly knowing Scott Baio is 45...and Single Season 2 is already in production....