The Golden Nuggets

Help Wanted

Oh Ricky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Ricky!!

All the trades today are saying Golden Globe host Ricky Gervais is dunzo for his skewering of everyone from Bruce Willis (who he introduced as "Ashton's dad") to Charlie Sheen with his easy, obvious jokes about Charlie's affection for porn stars.

Why is everyone so uptight and upset about this?

He's a freakin' comedian, people.  Relax.  Your parents laughed when Don Rickles did it back in the day.  What, you haven't ever laughed at the bizarro world that is Demi-Bruce-Ashton?  And even Charlie Sheen laughs at his own expense...uh, have you seen Two and a Half Men?  Pretty sure you have, since it's one of CBS's top cash cows.

Anyhoo, who cares about any of that really.  I'm just here to make like we're both on the red carpet and call it like I see it.

The Good  Seriously Halle Berry.  Just tell me.  Do you drink the blood of virgins?  Surely you've never eaten a bagel, not even one of those super thin less carb ones.  How. Do. You. Do. It?  I will buy your workout video, your diet book, anything.  Name it.  Just let the less genetically gifted in on your secret. Please?

Emma Stone.  I haven't seen "Easy A" (seriously?  this looked to be a rental at best but ok Hollywood Foreign Press....) but from your little coral number to your newly blonded hair, I see some big things for you.

Katey Sagal.  Another one! I'll have what she's having! Peg Bundy, are you seeing Demi's plastic surgeon?  And what is his name?  I must friend him on Facebook.

The Bad  Angie, oh Angie.  In the beginning, I sort of got how your other-worldly beauty could steal away Brad from America's sweetheart.  But lately,  you just look frail and sad and kind of mortal, especially when the cameras caught you touching up your lipgloss (and I swear it was some common brand like Clinique) and then they caught you again fixing Brad's tie.  You are better than this - you are princess Angelina! Last night you kinda just looked like a nervous chick at her prom.

Or maybe a prom chaperone.

Sandra Bullock!  What were you thinking??? I love you like, all the time, but those Cousin It bangs have gots to go.

The really, really ugly C'mon, Helena Bonham Carter.  That weird dirty hair schtick is kind of over now.  You too, Tilda - you scare the crap out of me. Hit the beach and stop channeling ET.

Favorite moments of the night Like millions across the country, my fiance was sure Diane Warren was Liza Minnelli.

He was also sure Annette Bening stuck her finger in a bug zapper to get that hair.  And why the glasses?  I know they're sort of hip and vogue if you were playing the part of a magazine editor in a movie, but you're at the Golden Globes with Warren Beatty.  Maybe put in your contacts.

And that's all the news that's fit to print....

Globe Trotting

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, giving me some excitement to look forward to when the holidays are over. Set the DVR (or VCR, if you're super retro) for Sunday, January 17th on NBC (or maybe, by then, "Comcast-world TV").

Frankly, this can't come soon enough in terms of giving me something to do. I've been so submerged in creating the perfect holiday decor that I might be out Martha Stewart-ing Martha Stewart (seriously, did SHE pick pinecones out of her backyard for her latest holiday art project?). I don't want to say I'm overdoing it, but my boyfriend just nicknamed me the "Christmas hog".

Maybe it's time I actually got a job.

Anyhoo, the Globes are my fave! TV and Film, all in one place. Now, I'm at a disadvantage having not seen a lot of the movies yet. There was a glitch in shipping my free screeners and I'm too cheap to shell out the money to go to the theater so I'm a little behind.

The nominations give me pause, however, about the state of comedic films in America. Best Actress in a musical or comedy...Julia Roberts for DUPLICITY???? No offense to Jules, love the gal and all (who has seen Pretty Woman more than me? Anyone? Anyone?) and she was FINE in this movie, but the movie just kind of went nowhere and no one really saw it. This is the best they could come up with for this category?

And, I have admittedly not seen It's Complicated. I love Alec Baldwin. I love Meryl Streep. Steve Martin's pretty funny most of the time. So why do I feel like this movie sucks? Wasn't this also the name of that horrible Denise Richards show?

That can't be a good sign.

Hopefully the Globe voters have it right. Those mystical foreign press folks were at least smart enough to heap lots 'o praise on my old pal George Clooney.

Up in the Air is one movie I am sure does NOT suck.

Globe Trotting

I have a lot to say about the Globes, so I'm going the stream of consciousness route. I know it's long, but just compare it to Benjamin Button and it'll seem short! So without further adieu...

Biggest schadenfreude moment Though I don't really enjoy Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt (enough with the Button movie! It was 80 hours long and really does not live up to the hype unless you count makeup), I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed watching Ryan Seacrest squirm when they snubbed him on the red carpet.

Way to kick the night off with randomness Sting, with his shocking suddenly brown hair, and the camera cutting to Colin Farrell having the same reaction of surprise that you were probably having in your living room.

Award that made me the happiest Bruuuuuuuuce. The man is turning 60 this year. You Bruce haters be damned: besides the fact that he looks THAT good at that age, and still runs around on stage like he's 16, the man is a musical genius. Deal with it.

Award(s) that made me the unhappiest I can't believe my man Jon Hamm from Mad Men AND the awesome January Jones (also Mad Men) both lost. Plus it just reminded me how long I have to wait for new episodes. Sigh.

Cringe Moment The brilliant actor, Don Cheadle, being announced as the star of the upcoming film, HOTEL FOR DOGS. Don, please fire your agent immediately.

You know you Googled her after she won Sally Hawkins, who had to walk a mile to the stage because no one thought she had a snowball's chance in hell of beating the likes of Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson.

But why? Can't they just put a damn podium up so people don't have to juggle their awards?

My life's work is so inferior My thoughts as I watch the Stephen Spielberg lifetime achievement award montage.

I hate to digress but I can't believe the only food I have ingested today is the following, with no embellishment: 1 bagel with cream cheese, nachos, Ben and Jerry's S'mores ice cream. But at least I went to the gym! Ok, now back to regularly scheduled Globe blogging. Confessing is cathartic. Ahhhh.

Who knew Colin Farrell was that smart? Not me. That dude rambled forever with no notes and said some pretty great stuff. Check your DVR if you don't believe me.

Blah, blah, blah Is it just me, or does Angelina Jolie seem like she would have one of those limp fish handshakes?

Worth staying up for even if the gym is seeming less and less likely tomorrow morning I am such a sucker for a comeback. Mickey you crazy, crazy dude. Only you could show up wearing THAT, stick your hand down your pants during your speech, have the director flip you off...and yet I was teary eyed and cheering alone in my living room like a total weirdo. (Of course, by living room I mean also my bedroom and kitchen, too. Ah, New York studio livin'.)

Ok, FINE, I'll go see Slumdog Millionaire. I hate being left out!

DVR Binge

Whatever you do, don't go anywhere tonight. Instead, prepare to get drunk with new content...but sadly, when you awaken tomorrow with your t.v. hangover, there is scant left to look forward to as the writer's strike forges on.

But, buck up little campers, there's no time like the present! Grab that remote and get comfy as you watch new episodes of 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy, ER (yes, dammit, watch ER, it's good! I swear! Last week they even un-earthed old character Jeanie Boulet...who in real life ran off to join Tina Turner's tour), and for a little fluff (ok, major fluff), Big Shots.

Plus, there's still lots-o-reality shows truckin' on. VH1's got the premiere of Celebrity Rehab, which sounds made up but is a real show with marginal celebs. I got a sneak peak at Episode 1, and to see what's become of Jeff Conaway (Kenickie from Grease) is tragic. Don't know that I can stomach this one. I think they should've called this show "Schadenfreude"...though perhaps they're saving that moniker for a Britney/Dr. Phil face off.

I'm going to give Celebrity Apprentice another shot, but honestly, besides Gene Simmons and that Baldwin brother, who the hell ARE these people??

Actually, Celebrity Apprentice and Celebrity Rehab both have a similar problem: when a show needs to put the word 'celebrity' in the title, it probably means they don't have anyone too major, know what I mean? Dancing with the Stars, I'm also talkin' to you!

R.I.P. Golden Globes.