Talk Soup

Lots going on around the talk dial. Larry King's Out. Piers Morgan is in. And David Letterman did his very first appearance on that super estrogen fest you love to hate, The View.

You'll have to wait till November 8th to catch Conan on TBS.

Back to Letterman for a sec. I've always been TEAM LETTERMAN ever since the Leno/Letterman late night wars (remember when that poor actor dude had to don a prosthetic chin in the MOVIE about this? Eek.). Let's be honest, the Letterman/Leno spat is old news, but I can't help it, the Conan dustup got me all interested again.

And it got Babs interested, too. God bless her, she got right in there and asked Dave about it and it's pretty juicy. Dave even impersonates Leno. Love it!

So how come the ABC marketing machine isn't putting this clip everywhere? Boooo ABC. Bad marketing. Bad.

Instead, the clip they are pushing everywhere is Dave and Barbara talking about their heart surgeries. Yes, I'm glad they didn't croak but if I wanted to hear about heart stuff I'd re-watch the Boston Med episodes still clogging up my DVR.

Or maybe a Denny Duquette rerun on Grey's Anatomy.

Well, some dude had a heart and cared enough to upload the Leno bashing, so you can watch it here...even if it's VIDEOTAPED off the tv. Oh dear, this is worse sound quality than when I used to hold my cassette recorder up to the tv to record that Joanie loves Chachi song. Anyhoo, the juicy stuff starts around :30 in.


Or, if you've got some time to kill, you can sit through the whole episode all bright and shiny on ABC's website. Hmm, maybe they're smarter than I thought.

As for Piers Morgan replacing suspenders spokesperson Larry King, I guess he's ok. I would've preferred someone with a little more spunk. Lately my choice for every tv host vacancy seems to be Bret Michaels or Chris Harrison. Bandana or Fantasy Suite?

You decide.

Crouching Tiger

I don't necessarily want to jump on the "bash Tiger" bandwagon, so that means I can't make any 'hole in one' or 'catch a tiger by the tail' jokes. Too easy and, well...ew.

Plus, you can't blame the guy. I mean, he's spent years representing a company whose slogan is "Just Do It". He was just following orders!

Ok, sorry, I had to get one in.

Seriously, though, I just have to wonder, how did this guy pull this off for so long? And how many other 'role models' are leading double lives? There are some seriously douche-y dudes freaking out right now that they might be outed next.

And let's not leave out the ladies. I'm sure there are plenty of famous all-American gals out there who also have a few skeletons.

But, until the next scandal breaks, and the paparazzi move onto that feeding frenzy, only one question remains for me (well, besides the obvious "How the hell did he find time to play golf?" one)...Who will get the coveted post-scandal interview. Will it be...

-A teary apology with Babwa Walters?

-A frank discussion with Oprah?

-Maybe a man to man talk with Bob Costas?

I just beg you, Tiger, please no sudden 'sex addiction rehab' BS. This will just give bottom feeders like Drew Pinsky even more fodder and we both know the only reason you, ahem, allegedly cheated with so many women was because you can.

Tiger's people are no doubt trying to figure out the best sympathetic comeback role possible. I have no inside scoop, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a guest spot on Cougar Town.

Just a hunch.

Swept Away

I love this time of year. The flowers are starting to bloom. Children can practically taste summer vacation.

And the networks are pulling out all the stops to lure in viewers for sweeps.

It wasn't even on my mind until I saw this Oprah promo for some of her upcoming episodes hitting the small screen in May:

5/1: The Sex and the City cast will be on to discuss the upcoming movie. Now, I have no idea if they'll address the rumors about Big dying in the movie, but I do hope they talk about why his eyebrows are looking more manicured than the lawn at Charlotte's former country house with Trey.

5/2 AND 5/5: Tom Cruise is returning, his first visit since he jumped the Scientology shark his couch-jumping incident. Among other things, his appearance is a thinly veiled infomercial to convince us all that he is not an alien to celebrate his 25 years in films (anyone else feel old due to that statement?).


5/6: Barbara Walters is going to be on, too, dishing about her long career. The sound bite on the ad alluded to some scandalous affair that almost derailed Walters' career.

I can only hope and pray it was not an affair with Al Reynolds.

Aw, heck, it's sweeps time. I kinda hope it is.

Jumpin' Jack Flash (back)

80's + 90's star Whoopi Goldberg has joined The View. I guess Bawb-wa Walters figures the former Hollywood Square might add some, um, Comic Relief. I just hope she lifts The View out of its current coma.

Meanwhile, also in this very special The View edition of "Norma Desmond Award" nominee news: Star Jones is clinging to fame by announcing (now) that she had gastric bypass surgery.

Well, it's a good thing they finally did fill at least one of those slots. The ever-rotating co-host chair was filled recently with people whose names Bawb-wa couldn't even bother to learn, but the pinnacle was Babs practically choking on her own bile enduring Ross the intern's stint. Maybe she's still bitter she lost the Paris interview to that other geezer, Larry King.