She Works Hard for the Money

Dear Brooke Shields,

Please fire your agent. I'm sorry Lipstick Jungle tanked, cuz I actually sort of liked it. Or maybe you're pissed you have to play Miley's MOM in Hannah Montana, but are things so bad that you had to make these Latisse commercials?

Now, I'm not against you doing commercials per se. I think your Coppertone commercials serve an important skin care purpose, and I've almost gotten past those weird Volkswagen commercials you did, but Latisse??

For those of you who haven't seen these ads, please indulge me and click here.

So, Latisse is some kind of freaky goop to rub on your eyelids that will (allegedly) grow fuller and darker lashes. Is this a void that needed to be filled in the marketplace? And before I get the letters from the sick people with no eyelashes, I'm not talking about people who've lost their eyelashes from disease. Nope. This is Brooke Shields, who lost them from years of tough-love beauty crap, like ripping off false eyelashes, and this ad is OBVIOUSLY targeted at the Botox generation. Plus, I mean, how is this not a Saturday Night Live skit?

After the voice-over chick ran down all the ways you might screw up your eyes from using this crap, I was waiting for her to caution that you might grow a leathery tail.

And I love how in this ad, Brooke is like at a party now because she has longer eyelashes, which is about as relevant as those herpes commercials where the couples are dancing on the beach and kayaking.

I've never quite understood how that works.

Also, why is she dancing with some dude that's not her husband? Is that her new and improved eyelash hubby?

As usual, I digress. Meanwhile, in other weird celeb endorsement news...

What's up with the fake kids in the Marcia Cross commercial for Mott's? It's like they all had their hair dyed the same L'Oreal Red #6. Although I am quite sure Marcia's lovely in real life, let's be honest - she always plays the crazies. Is this really who Mott's wants pretending to be all earth mother-y in their spots?

Maybe she should've been shilling for nuts.

No Longer In Fashion

Even with all its gloss, NBC has pulled the plug on Lipstick Jungle.

Some thoughts as NBC says auf wiedersehen to the Jungle so they can focus on reviving dead guys on ER from like 5 seasons ago instead of investing in decent new shows:

I'm going to miss living vicariously through these chicks with the fake sounding names (Victory Ford? Really?) who conquered NYC with their power jobs and still seemed to have time for 3 martini lunches like every day. Wouldn't it be cool to have their jobs?

I'm going to miss obsessing over Andrew McCarthy's face. I still can't figure out what's different about it from his St. Elmo's days and was looking forward to finally figuring it out.

But mostly, I'm going to miss seeing Brooke Shields. I've always been rooting for Brooke, even if she did chuck her feud with Tommy Cruise to attend his alien wedding.

I know Brooke will be ok though. This girl has staying power.

But, please, oh please, do NOT let her and her Calvins become Suddenly...Susan.

Welcome back to the Jungle!

So I got a sneak peak at the season 2 premiere of Lipstick Jungle today (coming to NBC on Sept 24th at 10p). I am happy to report, these gals have come a long way, baby!

Now, I know you have a lot of big decisions to make in the next few weeks. So many choices - how will you decide what to add to your DVR list?

I'm here to help you make an informed decision, so here's the skinny (since no fat is allowed in these glamour gals' lives) on Lipstick Jungle:

The Good Kim Raver plays the best "laughter through tears" scenes you'll see in awhile (Yes I am quoting Dolly Parton from Steel Magnolias here. I've been waiting for an opportunity to do that since it came out in 1989.). I'm not going to ruin it for you, but you're going to want to see what happens next. Let's just hope it involves more of that guy she had an affair with last season, even if the writers did unwisely decide to name him Kirby. I'm sorry, I will make an exception for the Emilio Estevez character in St. Elmo's Fire, but in general, only cute puppies should be named Kirby. Period.

The Bad While I am actually LOVING the casting of Rosie Perez as Victory Ford's (Lindsay Price) publicist, why does she have to have one of those fake TV jobs? She is Victory's publicist, but she is also talking to real estate agents to try and find new space for Victory's store?? Um, I don't think so. Jobs on TV are never accurate. Remember when Billy Campbell on Melrose Place was like an account guy but also somehow wrote copy? Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, I hate that!

The Could Be Ugly I'm not sure yet about Mary Tyler Moore as Brooke Shield's mom. I wanna love her, because...well, she's Mary-Freaking-Tyler-Moore...but she might fall into the cliché category. Too soon to tell.

Overall, it was good though. But please, bring back Lorraine Bracco! She was the best bitch EVER last season. That would guarantee this show on the must-see-tv list for sure.

Jungle Boogie

Last week, when Lipstick Jungle premiered I definitely thought it was D.O.A., but last night's episode surprised me. While I'm not exactly upgrading this show to Season Pass status, I'm going to hang in and give it a chance.

My thoughts on the episode:

First, THE GOOD:
The addition of Lorraine Bracco as Brooke Shield's adversary was a great call. I loved her nastiness. The icy condescension that oozed from her lips everytime she called Brooke's character "hun" was a testament to Lorraine's genius as an actress. And when she told Brooke "You must have me confused with your shrink"...well now THAT's a testament to the writers. I can't wait to see what's next for Lorraine's character...though I do wish she didn't look like she'd jumped into some speed-up-the-aging time machine and a little bit like Kirstie Alley's long lost sister.

Now, THE BAD:
This episode opened with a fax machine spitting out box office numbers. I know, this is supposed to telegraph for me, as a viewer, that Brooke Shields's character Wendy is a busy executive that works all the time, even when she's home. Sure she does. And that's why those numbers would be emailed to her Blackberry. The last time I recall a fax machine delivering significant plot-hinging info was in [pre-crazy Tom Cruise's] The Firm....in 1993.

Welcome to the new Millennium, Lipstick Jungle!

...and THE UGLY
Seriously, what is going on with Brooke Shields?! They have made her look so bad on this show it's embarrassing. And not in a deliberate "This-character-is-going-through-a-hard-time-so-we're-going-to-make-her-look-fake-haggard" kind of way. No, this is in a "Fire Your Makeup Artist" (and while you're at it, the Lighting person, too) kind of way.
Damn, if they can't make freakin' BROOKE SHIELDS look good, well, let's just say I would run for the hills if I ever saw Lipstick Jungle cameras comin' my way!








Oh, and THE RANDOM
The storyline about Victory Ford's (Lindsay Price) quest for an old hat was stupid, BUT I am starting to catch a teeny weeny fever for an Andrew McCarthy comeback.

What about Prom, Blaine?!!!!

Judging a Book by its Cover

When word first spread that both Lipstick Jungle AND Cashmere Mafia were to premiere this season, the media was abuzz with Sex and the City comparisons. But it also set off a tsunami of shameless gossip that it was war between Candace Bushnell and Darren Star.

All was well when they were both making Sex: Candace was the writer of the book Sex and the City was based on; Darren was the executive producer of this and many other soap-sational series. We all loved Sex and the City. Plenty of glory for everybody. But now on opposite sides, we were all left to wonder....was there still enough love to go around?

Going into this, I thought Lipstick might have the edge. With Candace attached, it certainly looked good on paper. Brooke Shields is a big name. How could it go wrong?

But boy was I wrong. Back in August, I became concerned on this here blog that in the promos of Lipstick, the characters were made up to look like dowdy caricatures. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

And when I say iceberg, I mean, as in...up ahead.

You see, I don't mind if my shows are realistic, for the most part. I even enjoy a little fluff and fantasy. Even when people were bitching about Sarah Jessica Parker's over the top outfits on Sex and the City, I was the girl running out to buy a (ridiculously oversized) flower to pin to my lapel. So, over on Cashmere Mafia, the characters are super shiny and glossy and it's pure pop, but that's ok...they have costume designer legend Pat Field and it shows. That is clearly one of their aces in the hole. Not so coincidentally it was Ms. Field who put SJP in those defining outfits on SATC. And quite frankly, for an hour each week, I'll gladly escape into these rich ladies' problems and occasionally fantasize that someday I can afford a Birkin bag.

But Lipstick Jungle? It's more Maybelline than La Mer..and I mean that literally. Maybelline was a sponsor urging YOU to get "the Lipstick Jungle look".

Um, no thanks. They actually found a way to make Brooke Shields look bad. Her drab makeup made her look sadly blah, and it seemed like in every scene she was wearing the same suit I wore on my job interview at Calvin Klein nearly ten years ago. I, too, thought I looked fashionable, but whereas Banana Republic might've been the (only) choice for me on my poverty-induced budget, Brooke Shields' character is supposed to be president of a movie studio? Even her cell phone was irritating! They couldn't even get a Blackberry or Iphone? No bluetooth?

But the most egregious offense for me was the sloppy editing. Or should I blame the bad shooting? (There was a shot left in where the camera was literally shaking as what-I-can-only assume was a bus went by. Or maybe it was a fighter plane.) This was film school bad. I stopped counting all of the mistakes about 30 minutes in but some of the highlights were Andrew McCarthy laughing and then they'd cut to a close up and PRESTO-CHANGO he's suddenly serious. My favorite? In one particular scene Brooke Shields' line is dubbed in...but her lips are...not...moving! I don't want to be harsh. Maybe it wasn't dubbed. Maybe Brooke's become a ventriloquist in her spare time.

Despite the hype, neither show is really a Sex ripoff. Yes, they're all about women in NYC but honestly LOST and Gilligan's Island are both about castaways and no one is trying to shove those two shows in the same category. Now, I've had more of a chance to warm up to Cashmere Mafia since I've seen more episodes and in truth I didn't love that first one either. So, I'm going to keep watching both, but so far this ain't exactly close.

Verdict: Cashmere covers Lipstick.

Wardrobe Malfunction

Oh dear. As if NBC doesn't have enough problems, early peeks at Lipstick Jungle's promos reveal that they are in need of a new wardrobe stylist, stat! The Sex and the City wannabe (there are so many this season) boasts Brooke Shields arguably as its biggest name. Not to discount Kim Raver from 24, or that girl (Lindsay Price) that played Steve's baby mama on 90210, but let's be honest, Brooke is a legend.

So why are they dressing her like a man...no, worse, like a woman in 1998????

Everything I've seen thus far has shown her in boxy man-suits that aren't sexy at all, but worse, these promo stills have her in [needle off the record]....LEATHER PANTS!!! This is a travesty even worse than the animal print shoes they all have on that are practically special ordered from the "slutty cliche wardrobe" section at Central Casting.

I don't mean to make it "Pick on NBC" week. After all, I think getting Jerry Seinfeld to guest star on the season premiere of 30 Rock is like, the best thing ever. Now if only I didn't have to wait till October.

Yadda yadda yadda...