(Un) True Confessions

Sometimes I wish I didn't work in television. I wish I lived somewhere in the suburbs of middle America, completely oblivious to the machinations of shameless producers who think their audience is a bunch of idiots.

But I've seen the wizard behind the curtain, hell, I've BEEN the wizard behind the curtain, and I just hate it when I can see those puppet strings so clearly.

And on Confessions of a Teen Idol...there are some MAJOR strings attached.

The premise of this week's episode centered around the has-beens walking a known paparazzi trap and trying to get their picture taken. This would've been a delightful little train wreck to watch, hell I might've even shed a tear for poor, washed up, cruise ship-lovin' Adrian Zmed after he got ignored, if I believed for one second that those were real paparazzi ignoring him and the outcomes of each has-been's walk of shame not completely scripted.

You see kids, let momma 'splain something to you. Generally speaking, unless you are unknowingly starring in your very own Truman Show, the people around you on a daily basis aren't walking around mic'd in case you happen to walk by. But AMAZINGLY, you could hear all the chitter chatter of the paps and their scripted comments about how washed up each d-lister was loud and clear. I even tried to ignore all this fakery like a 10 year old who knows Santa isn't real but still tries to believe. And with this earnest denial in mind, I thought, well maybe we only can hear them because the has-beens are mic'd, and on them are SUPER microphones picking up the dialogue of the paparazzi.

Ok, I'll buy that. I'll even suspend my disbelief further that all of the VH1 cameras are, oh, I don't know, behind a mailbox? A tree? Why do I suddenly picture a camera guy dressed in camouflage with a bush disguising the camera?

But then the paps' conversation continued...long after the has-beens had headed off camera, and likely, over to Craft Service for a snack. By the way, am I also expected to believe that these same actors paparazzi just happen to ask Jeremy about his old sex tape, the very same sex tape he just mentioned a few scenes ago?

Right. Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.





Frankly, this is all making me turn on my man Baio. He is an Executive Producer of this sorry ass show? Is he the one advising Jeremy Jackson to also tout his MYSPACE page? Why don't we just pick up his latest cassingle while we're at it.

Sigh.

Back to the Future

*SPOILERS*

I'm so glad Lost is back. And even though I can't remember why most of the stuff on the island is going on, it's still oh-so-good.

First it was flashbacks, then flashforwards, now it's dealer's choice. Looks like this season is about movin' all over the dial in time. And I love it!!!!

Take that Marty McFly, the Space Time Continuum is totally screwed now.

Best part of the night: Hurley explaining to his mom what 'really' happened on the island. Yes, people. it IS that absurd!

Weirdest part of the night: That new (?) Neal Frogurt character that was on briefly- I don't know if he's significant, but either way, he will forever be the "Got Milk" guy to me. And while I'm at it, even though Nestor Carbonell (Richard Alpert) has been a significant part of Lost for a couple of seasons or so now, I am still surprised every time he comes on screen that he doesn't speak with an accent like he did on Suddenly Susan, even though that show's been off the air since 2000.

Wait, that's it! Maybe those island dwellers are traveling through time to odd acting gigs of years' past! Next stop, Evangeline Lilly's (Kate) totally embarrassing phone sex commercials.

Bring your flux capacitor!

Ew. That was NOT a euphemism.

Death Warmed Over

Bruce Springsteen once sang "57 Channels (And Nothin' On)". Well, it's all blizzardy and I just wanna sit around and watch TV and there ain't nothin' on.

And I know I should be gettin' my democracy on and watching something all Inauguration-ish, but...well, the cool stuff was on HBO and dang it I'm poor. Those big fancy cable channels aren't in the budget these days, so I had to settle for bad Youtube video of all the cool music performances that I missed yesterday.

And so today, I spent time clearing out the DVR and had the audacity of hope that I'd find something inspiring to watch.

Instead, a whole lotta dead people turned up:

The Good Is anyone still watching Desperate Housewives? Because even though the whole flashback/flash forward thing they've added isn't exactly ground breaking, it's made the show pretty fun to watch again. Sunday night's episode included flashbacks of both narrator Mary Alice and Bree's dearly departed husband Rex (Did she kill him? Did he have a heart attack? Who can remember?...) and seeing them pop up again was a good way to spice things up.

The Bad I don't know what to do. I was all on Team ER until this year, and now I have a backlog of episodes clogging up my DVR and I just don't know if I can do it. They lost me when they didn't make better use of Mark Green's comeback. Or flashback.

Whatever.

But, speaking of hospital shows and dead people, how much longer is Denny going to roam around Seattle Grace on Grey's Anatomy? Enough already! Well,things over at Grey's aren't completely critical; Eric Stolz as a serial killer IS kind of awesome...but, let's be honest, he doesn't look to be surviving past next week.

The Ugly Don't ask me why I am still hanging in on Confessions of a Teen Idol. Man oh man, has Scott Baio looked at himself on a monitor? Shave, dude. Or at least shower! He is looking chewed up and spit out, weird that he'd not take better control of his image if he is exec producing the show.

Ok, technically, nothing dead on THIS show, unless you count the careers of the people on it.

Hey, speaking of things that are dead, I sure wish they'd bring back Lipstick Jungle for another season. My DVR keeps picking up episodes of this overlooked show and it was actually pretty good.

I mean, if they can revive failed, 10 year old show CUPID, then surely Lipstick Jungle still has a prayer?

More about that soon...

Winter's the New Fall

When I was a kid I used to get really excited when the Fall Preview issue of the TV Guide came out. Yes, I was a tv geek even then. (I think it also had a lot to do with my older brothers influencing me, but luckily their love of Star Wars/Star Trek didn't stick, too, or I'd really be in trouble.)

Anyhoo, September always meant 2 things for me: back to school shopping and new TV shows! Now granted, we had 3 channels and it involved that giant antenna thing on the roof to get those channels juuuuuust right, but still, September's always been the place.

These days, though, it seems like January is like the chicest premiere place to be if you're on tv. So, with the new year upon us, my DVR's filling up and I don't know what to do...so I need to talk it out:

Confessions of a Teen Idol
Pros: Chris Atkins is sweet + I'm loyal to my man Baio.
Cons: Following a bunch of has beens who never were.
Verdict: It's like my morning bagel - it's bad for me and I don't even like it that much, but I can't give it up.

Rock of Love Bus
Pros: Hilarious last season, wanna support my friend who works on it, and I've been supporting Poison since 1987.
Cons: I just don't know if I can watch another season of borderline (?) trannies playing mud football again.
Verdict: On the fence

American Idol
Pros: Love the sob stories, fun when it gets down to the final round, potential for Paula to implode on live television.
Cons: 1 hour into the premiere and that new judge reminds me of one of those sales girls who talks down to you in an expensive store even though she's only making 5 bucks an hour.
Verdict: Leaning towards the readers digest/DVR version (just speed thru the auditions and stopping for the sappy ones) until they narrow it down.

The Bachelor
Pros: Haven't come up with any and haven't watched the second ep. Chris Harrison's pretty cool though.
Cons: Bachelor Jason's eyes are too close together and it bugs me.
Verdict: Maybe one more ep then I'll return for the finale.









Lost
Pros: An actual intelligently SCRIPTED show. Imagine that! It's not reality tv!
Cons: Does anyone remember what happened last season?
Verdict: Duh. Wouldn't miss the Jan. 21st premiere. Besides, even if they lie to me about what happened last season, I won't remember.

Trust Me
Pros: A drama about an ad agency could be fun to watch.
Cons: Don't we already have Mad Men?
Verdict: Giving the Jan 26th premiere a shot.

Oh man, I just realized 90210 came back last week, too. I can't keep up this pace. Is it summer re-runs yet?

Globe Trotting

I have a lot to say about the Globes, so I'm going the stream of consciousness route. I know it's long, but just compare it to Benjamin Button and it'll seem short! So without further adieu...

Biggest schadenfreude moment Though I don't really enjoy Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt (enough with the Button movie! It was 80 hours long and really does not live up to the hype unless you count makeup), I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed watching Ryan Seacrest squirm when they snubbed him on the red carpet.

Way to kick the night off with randomness Sting, with his shocking suddenly brown hair, and the camera cutting to Colin Farrell having the same reaction of surprise that you were probably having in your living room.

Award that made me the happiest Bruuuuuuuuce. The man is turning 60 this year. You Bruce haters be damned: besides the fact that he looks THAT good at that age, and still runs around on stage like he's 16, the man is a musical genius. Deal with it.

Award(s) that made me the unhappiest I can't believe my man Jon Hamm from Mad Men AND the awesome January Jones (also Mad Men) both lost. Plus it just reminded me how long I have to wait for new episodes. Sigh.

Cringe Moment The brilliant actor, Don Cheadle, being announced as the star of the upcoming film, HOTEL FOR DOGS. Don, please fire your agent immediately.

You know you Googled her after she won Sally Hawkins, who had to walk a mile to the stage because no one thought she had a snowball's chance in hell of beating the likes of Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson.

But why? Can't they just put a damn podium up so people don't have to juggle their awards?

My life's work is so inferior My thoughts as I watch the Stephen Spielberg lifetime achievement award montage.

I hate to digress but I can't believe the only food I have ingested today is the following, with no embellishment: 1 bagel with cream cheese, nachos, Ben and Jerry's S'mores ice cream. But at least I went to the gym! Ok, now back to regularly scheduled Globe blogging. Confessing is cathartic. Ahhhh.

Who knew Colin Farrell was that smart? Not me. That dude rambled forever with no notes and said some pretty great stuff. Check your DVR if you don't believe me.

Blah, blah, blah Is it just me, or does Angelina Jolie seem like she would have one of those limp fish handshakes?

Worth staying up for even if the gym is seeming less and less likely tomorrow morning I am such a sucker for a comeback. Mickey you crazy, crazy dude. Only you could show up wearing THAT, stick your hand down your pants during your speech, have the director flip you off...and yet I was teary eyed and cheering alone in my living room like a total weirdo. (Of course, by living room I mean also my bedroom and kitchen, too. Ah, New York studio livin'.)

Ok, FINE, I'll go see Slumdog Millionaire. I hate being left out!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

When I told my boyfriend I was thinking about watching Rock of Love Season 3, he threatened to leave me.

But then I clued him in about the genius that was Rock of Love 2, and soon, he had it cued up on the DVR.

What the hell am I doing telling my boyfriend to watch a show filled with slutty half naked girls????

Anyway, when it kicked off, I had some high hopes. The girls are so ridiculous and over the top, it was pretty good for a laugh. I mean, look, even foodies can't always go to the 4-star places all the time, right? Everyone needs those fried chicken and nachos kinda places once in a while to keep it interesting.

But somewhere along the way I got an itty bitty stomach ache. It was just all strippers and porn stars and freaks, oh my! for my taste. Now, to be fair, I don't know that I gave it a fair shake.

While I was watching, I was also doing battle with a laundry machine that stole my money, realizing the ho at Origins bamboozled me into buying the wrong moisturizer and overcharged my damn credit card earlier tonight, and facebooking a sudden onslaught of former junior high classmates that have appeared in my in-box.

So all the screaming hammered girls on my tv in the background were kinda buggin' me. And then I turned on the People's Choice Awards just in time for Carrie Underwood to come on and it just made me want to encourage her to lip sync. You're awfully pitchy, dawg.

Grrr. Chamomile tea, anyone?

Anyhoo, I'm calling it a day. I'm not giving up on you just yet, Bret Michaels.

But my DVR is getting pretty jam packed, so you gotta work harder to be MY Rock of Love.

Rose Colored Glasses

*SPOILERS*

God Bless the Bachelor franchise. No matter how bad it is, I can't help but get sucked in.

At least for the first episode. Because, really, it's all about the parade of contestants in the beginning and then the showdown at the finale. And that awesome, awesome trailer for the whole season at the end of the first episode. But more about that in a minute.

Now, no matter HOW many close up shots of Bachelor Jason's muscles in the gym in the opening intro, I still don't really see what these girls are so gaga about. But anyhoo, all these freaks realllllly wanna get their pic in US Mag or attention in general, so here's my thoughts on at least a few of them. Not too many could hold my interest, I must admit. It was just a sea of 20-something white girls (really, ABC? NO attempt to be more diverse in your casting?) all jockeying for screen time and pretending to give a crap about Jason's kid.

Oh Stephanie. We all know the producers hafta keep you around, you being a widow AND a mom, but girl, lay off the botox! It's freaky to look at. And while I'm at it, why DO botox-ers always pull their hair back to show off those skating rink-smooth heads? Cut some freaking bangs!

Poor, poor little pixie Renee. Jason may have cut you cuz he thought that vision board was craz-azy, but if it's good enough for Oprah, it's good enough for me. His loss!

And now, about that trailer. There are a few things you can always count on The Bachelor for besides the roses: everyone says "journey" a lot, people always end up in hot tubs, and for shizzle, the season-teasing trailer at the end of the first episode will make it seem like the most dramatic season EVER. This one's no exception. You have to sit through a minute or so of that drunk-ish girl and Jason saying "amazing" a bunch of times before it comes up, but it's worth it!!!

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

*SPOILERS-ISH*

So I watched Confessions of a Teen Idol, and...no big surprise here. You get whatcha pay for. In these trying economic times, I understand that maybe VH1 had to shop the bargain basement bin for their ex-teen idols, but this show is really kinda screwed by the fact that they have to keep reminding the viewer who these people are.

I mean, this IS a problem for a show built on the premise that these dudes were super famous once, with a hope of making it big again, no?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure David Chokachi ("David Chokes" for those of us former Beantown babes in the know) was mobbed with female fans in his Baywatch glory days. And though I never pasted Adrian Zmed on my wall, I must admit, I definitely know all the words to every single song from Grease 2.

And at least the Fame guy is sort of compelling in that you can taste how bad he wants to be famous (again).

But in general, I am already tired of how many times I had to be reminded who Eric Nies was (and yet, I still don't know if his last name rhymes with those two knobby things on my legs, the way I describe how the daughters of my brothers are related to me or if it just rhymes with 'guys').

Anyhoo, I'm not a quitter, so I am going to watch next week in the hopes that maybe they'll spice it up with a little more Baio (that lame pseudo hosting cameo is not filling the void). And I'm hoping VH1 (and well, all reality show producers) will give the contrived "storm off the set" fakery a rest.

No, David Chokes, I don't believe for one second you were really gonna leave.

But with Lost, American Idol, and a brand new Bachelor coming up on the docket, that's a lotta tv in my DVR competing for my love though.

You boys better bring it.