Tik Tok on the Clock

In the last 2 weeks I have seen The Backup Plan and The Switch (who knew sperm donors were so hilarious?). I'm guessing you probably haven't seen either, based on the box office results, but I'm here to tell you that both are solid chick flick rentals, if you're into that sorta thing. Now technically, The Switch is still in theaters, but I assure you it will be on DVD in a minute.

Having trouble deciding which ticking clock comedy to see? Don't worry, I'm here to guide you through the decision making process, like that special friend who takes you for your first pregnancy test in high school.

Hmm. Maybe I've been watching too much of Teen Moms. Sorry. Anyhoo...

GLAM APPEAL


The Backup Plan has JLO looking bright and shiny and rocking designer frocks in every scene.

The Switch has Jennifer Aniston looking somewhat disheveled (for a movie star, not for a real life person) and probably wondering why as Executive Producer she didn't fire her hair and makeup person.

Winner: JLO by her hair

SUPPORTING STAR POWER

The Switch has Juliette Lewis as Jennifer Aniston's wacky sidekick, no doubt wondering when her career veered into 'wacky sidekick' territory.

The Backup Plan has 82 year old Tom Bosley (Mr. C from Happy Days) playing a 93 year old, making you sad that he looks so frail and that he's no longer doling out sage advice to Richie and Fonzie. Also, Linda Lavin (remember Alice?) plays his girlfriend, probably wondering at age 72 how she could be cast as the girlfriend and missing Mel's Diner something fierce.

Winner: Though I sort of like the amusing backstory of knowing Jennifer Aniston + Juliette Lewis both were with Brad Pitt, I have to give the edge to The Backup Plan for pure retro appeal.


CUTE KID FACTOR

In the Backup Plan, we don't really get to see the fruits of Jennifer Lopez's, um, labor.

In the Switch, cutie patootie Thomas Robinson takes over where that kid from Jerry Maguire left off.

Winner: Thomas Robinson by default.


LOVE INTEREST


The Switch has fan favorite Jason Bateman as the guy that "shhh, we the audience know he secretly loves her but can't tell her even as she is about to get herself a donor". Unfortunately, he spends the whole movie doing that Jason Bateman surly thing, and you can't for the life of you figure out why she'd ever want to be with him.

The Backup Plan has Alex O'Loughlin as the guy JLO falls for right after she gets pregnant. Alex who?

Winner: Neither. Hollywood really needs to come up with some new leading men.

Tweet This

As those of you who play along with me here in the blogosphere know, this week I got all social media hip and joined Twitter.

So far, it has resembled the five stages of grief:

Day One - DENIAL: This is for losers! My time is WAY too valuable to be tweeting! And when have I ever been able to say anything in 140 characters or less?

Day Two - ANGER: How many F*@&ing times is this thing going to crash? How come no one can see my tweets? How the F@** do you read all this crap? Why isn't anyone following me?

Day Three - BARGAINING: Please, five-people-I-know-that-have-Twitter-accounts, follow me! Please Twitter tech support, help me fix my profile so people can actually find it.

Day Four - DEPRESSION: I still only have 10 followers. Snooki has almost half a million.

More crushing (?): Lindsay Lohan understands how to properly tweet, and I still don't.

Day Five - ACCEPTANCE: Maybe I'll continue to try and get some D-list celebs to give me a shout out. I might be able to get my manicurist to follow me.

Twitter oddities:
"Blair" from Facts of life has 9,000 + followers...

Joaquin Phoenix has only slightly more at 11,000+

Which reminds me, to all you potential Tweet-ees...
I'm Still Here.

Don't forget to click below to follow me! And tell your friends!

Talk Soup

Lots going on around the talk dial. Larry King's Out. Piers Morgan is in. And David Letterman did his very first appearance on that super estrogen fest you love to hate, The View.

You'll have to wait till November 8th to catch Conan on TBS.

Back to Letterman for a sec. I've always been TEAM LETTERMAN ever since the Leno/Letterman late night wars (remember when that poor actor dude had to don a prosthetic chin in the MOVIE about this? Eek.). Let's be honest, the Letterman/Leno spat is old news, but I can't help it, the Conan dustup got me all interested again.

And it got Babs interested, too. God bless her, she got right in there and asked Dave about it and it's pretty juicy. Dave even impersonates Leno. Love it!

So how come the ABC marketing machine isn't putting this clip everywhere? Boooo ABC. Bad marketing. Bad.

Instead, the clip they are pushing everywhere is Dave and Barbara talking about their heart surgeries. Yes, I'm glad they didn't croak but if I wanted to hear about heart stuff I'd re-watch the Boston Med episodes still clogging up my DVR.

Or maybe a Denny Duquette rerun on Grey's Anatomy.

Well, some dude had a heart and cared enough to upload the Leno bashing, so you can watch it here...even if it's VIDEOTAPED off the tv. Oh dear, this is worse sound quality than when I used to hold my cassette recorder up to the tv to record that Joanie loves Chachi song. Anyhoo, the juicy stuff starts around :30 in.


Or, if you've got some time to kill, you can sit through the whole episode all bright and shiny on ABC's website. Hmm, maybe they're smarter than I thought.

As for Piers Morgan replacing suspenders spokesperson Larry King, I guess he's ok. I would've preferred someone with a little more spunk. Lately my choice for every tv host vacancy seems to be Bret Michaels or Chris Harrison. Bandana or Fantasy Suite?

You decide.

Tweetle Dumb

Lately, I've been nervous that I may have lost my edge. I was shopping at Marshall's (yes, Marshall's - go ahead and judge. It's the New Economy. I'm trying to be all Suze Orman-ish! Though, come to think of it, she probably wouldn't want me shopping at all. Hmm. Can't win.).

I digress. So I'm shopping at Marshall's and I pick up what I believe to be kind of a cool outfit, and then I'm stopped dead in my tracks. The sign above it says "Pretty 'N Professional". Am I really the "Pretty 'N Professional" sort? Me, a gal who has helped create global advertising campaigns for Calvin Klein? The same gal who has been FRONT ROW at Fashion Week?

Imagine my horror.

There was still time to recover. I mean, I know I'm still KINDA cool. My recent purchase of a sliced leather Linea Pelle bracelet has netted me dozens of compliments from utter strangers, so I must still have the look, right? So WHAT if I 100% copied it from JLO because she wore it in The Switch The Backup Plan. I. Still. Am. Cool.

Anyhoo, I tossed the "Pretty N Professional" outfit aside and reached for a much hipper suede-y-furry-fringey vest for fall. Totally Cool. Totally Hip. I'm so there.

Uh, the tag says "Teen Vogue" and I'm twenty years too late. Time to leave the store.

Maybe it's time to reassess. I realize one disastrous shopping trip shouldn't scare me into fearing my hipster relevance in the world, but dang it all Stella's gettin' her groove back. So I did something even more shocking than being pretty or professional. You're not gonna believe it.

I joined Twitter!
YUP, that's right, I'm now keeping up with what Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher all the crazy kids are up to. Ok, I still don't totally understand it, but I do know if you are a twitterer, too, I need you to follow me immediately! And if you REALLY want to help me out, maybe tweet a little love and tell your followers about me!
http://twitter.com/IsItJustMeTV

Thanks in advance for helping spread the word. I don't want to be destined for a life of Pretty N Professional.

PS. I hear this IPhone thing is catching on. Is this true?

The Gold Standard

I mean, I knew it was going to be a good night when the opening Emmy number was set to Bruce Springsteen and included Jon Hamm. That and knowing George Clooney was going to be receiving the Humanitarian award? About as mysterious an outcome for me as when I order up some nachos at the local pub: pure joy!

Duh.

GOOD Everyone's been talking about how good the opening number was and I'm no exception. Besides what I've already mentioned, let's not leave out that Betty White never gets old (figuratively and literally). I even have to admit that I liked the Kate Gosselin moment where she disses herself, though it was slightly marred by the fact that girl looks a little plastic surgeried up to me. Had to rewind for a sec after a "Who is that?" moment. Seriously, Kate, it's time to go away and design baby strollers or something. Step. Away. From. The. Camera.


BETTER Ok, fine, it's no secret I'll pretty much like anything with George Clooney in it, but his inclusion in the "How can we make Modern Family better" bit was priceless.

BTW, when I tried to find a picture for this, I Googled "george clooney emmy modern family". Why is the picture that comes up first the girl who plays Kayla on Days of Our Lives? Someone should start a website of "Weird S&*T that turns up on Google searches".

Hmm, maybe I just did.

BEST And of course, speaking of Modern Family...Eric Stonestreet getting the Emmy was not just good because he is so freaking hilarious as Cameron on that show, but for me, way beyond all the quippy banter and skits, I am tuned in for the good acceptance speeches. Not the over-rehearsed-in-front-of-the-mirror ones (I'm talking to you Kyra Sedgwick) but the really awesome, heartfelt-make-you-cry ones, and Eric's speech fit the bill. Plus, bringing his mama as his date and giving his award to his parents as a show of his appreciation?

I'd like him to be a part of my modern family.

They Might Be Giants

Despite the recent cold snap, fall is still a ways off. But, never too soon to start DVR planning ahead! We've already talked about a few of the legal shows and Matt LeBlanc's long-overdue comeback vehicle...but what about some of these potential gems?

RAISING HOPE
Fox mashes up "Three Men + a Baby", a little "Baby Boom" and a dash of "Juno". Maybe a bit of "Raising Arizona".

Pros Nice to see Martha Plimpton still kicking around. The lead newcomer kid seems to have some promise. Is it just me or does he look like (a young) Crispin Glover?

Cons It's from the creators of "My Name is Earl"...and I'm pretty sure they reached the white trash quota in season one of THAT show. Also, probably a limit on diaper-catastrophe-hijinks plot lines.

Bottom Line When American Idol tanks because Fox blew getting Jlo as a judge, they'll need a hit. Give 'em some love.



SCHOOL PRIDE
NBC attempts tries to dig out of the hole they're in with feel good TV in this Extreme-Home-Makeover-for-Schools reality show.

Pros Who doesn't love a little feel good tv?

Cons These schools might need more than a fresh coat of paint.

Bottom Line The "hosts" seem a little random, but I'll support casting Miss USA Susie Castillo since she hails from the place where everybody knows her name. Also, it's like replaying the ending to "Lean on Me" every single week...and I love that movie!

Go ahead, try and not think of that theme song....



LONE STAR
Fox has another potential goodie on its hands with this series that's got serious buzz (my boyfriend even knew about this one, and he doesn't spend half his days scouring the internet for tv news like crazy me). The premise? It's about a really hot con man that lives a double life. And it's got Jon Voight.

Pros It's about a really hot con man that lives a double life. It's from the creators of "Party of Five". How can it lose?

Cons Could they have come up with a more original title? Googling it yields way too many John Sayles references, beer and country songs to slog through before I could find it on YouTube.

Bottom Line Weren't you listening? Hot con man? From the creators of "Party of Five"? Just watch it!

The Envelope Please

I was starting to panic. There are only 5 episodes of Mad Men left (yes, really) and there's only so much back-to-back-to-back Bachelor incarnations I can take before I need to regenerate my brain cells by reading a book or something.

So with a tv lull looming before the new fall shows begin, I am relieved that at least I have the Emmys coming up THIS Sunday!!

Things I'm Looking Forward to:
George Clooney is receiving the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award. I don't know what this entails, but it's a segment honoring George Clooney. Um, duh. I'll be there.

Modern Family has 14 nominations. Would love to see a sweep...though that kid and Ed O'Neill weren't part of those nominations? Muy mal.

Conan's now defunct Tonight Show is nominated. I'm with Coco!!! How bad do you want to see THAT speech? Suck it, Jay Leno.

I'll probably grab some Ben + Jerry's during...
I'm still bitter over wasting 6 years of my life on LOST. Not rooting for anyone from LOST and especially hoping there are no Dharma-themed skits. And enough dragging it out with that auction already! No, I don't want to buy the smoke monster, musical instruments from Driveshaft, and absolutely, positively I do not want any of their what I assume-to-be-smelly outfits!


BTW, how come no one's hair ever got longer on that show? Maybe if they didn't waste time fashioning a blade to cut it, they would've gotten off the island sooner.

Wait, did they get off the island or did the smoke monster get them? I'm still not sure...

Birds Of A Feather

Oh Jake and Vienna. How you make me ashamed of myself for following your "journey".

If you, like me, stayed up last night to see Jake and Vienna try and out fame-whore each other, you felt more than a little grody this morning. I think I have a Bachelor hangover.

I mean, first we had to sit through that SNOOZE fest Bachelorette episode last night where NOTHING happened. Say what you will about Justin "Rated R", but now that he's gone, what is there to watch for?

If the trailers are right, the producers are basically saying "Sorry this is so boring, but hang tight till the episode where Ali and the boys are at the beach, because Frankie-four-eyes is gonna drop a BOMBshell that will leave Ali bawling her little doe eyes out.

(Sorry, Frank, about the four eyes comment. I have glasses like that too, but I only wear them in the privacy of my own home to like wash my face and stuff. Splurge on the thinner lenses or get Lasik or something if you're gonna go on tv. Thanks.)

I digress.

In the meantime, like other pathetic Bachelor fans, I stayed up to watch the most boring Bachelor breakup in history. I love love love Chris Harrison, but couldn't he have gotten them to spill more salacious details than...Jake doesn't like when Vienna questions his ability to give directions?

Oh, he's a man?

But seriously, if Jakey-poo was hoping to parlay Bachelor-dom into an acting career, it might be time to rethink that choice.

Well, unless he was trying to ACT like a douche. In that case, ship this boy an Academy Award immediately.

Ice, Ice Baby

Another week, another topsy turvy Bachelorette episode.

*Spoilers*

This week, Ali and the gang headed to Iceland. I am guessing the Iceland tourism board sponsored this episode...either that or every cast member suddenly developed some kind of Iceland-Tourette's. The transcript of the first few minutes went something like this: "I am excited to walk down the street IN ICELAND to fall in love with Ali IN ICELAND where surely some cool stuff will happen IN ICELAND. ICELAND, ICELAND, ICELAND. Did I mention we'll be in ICELAND?"

Um, yeah. Now, I was pretty psyched to watch this episode, especially since I'm headed to ICELAND in a few days. What a coincidink!

Luckily for me, I'll be exploring the land of volcanoes and glaciers with my boyfriend, and not those knuckleheads that Ali had to contend with.

Let's be honest, the contestant pool this season is WEAK! Now, the total New England girl in me is of course rooting for Mr. Cape Cod-Nice-Guy next bachelor Chris L. Duh. However, the producer in me loves loves loves Justin "Rated R" aka "The Wrestler". I'm sure all the blogs are right, and that he's just another fame-whorin' kinda guy...but who cares?! He is so much more fun than the rest of these snoozers!

In my house, we love watching him stir it up, and I'm sort of hoping it's not him who leaves next week in the most shocking-departure-EVER.

As for this week, as expected, wackado Kasey was eliminated after revealing his tattoo, and the producers, I imagine, were practically beside themselves to get that shot of Ali and Justin pulling away in a helicopter while Kasey was left to freeze to death on a glacier. I did cackle with delight at this, too, but no frost-bitten exit interview with Kasey???

B-b-b-bummer.

Ali Oops

*Spoilers*

I finally got around to watching Monday's Bachelorette. With each week's episodes clocking in at 2 hours, it's hard to get through it all in a timely fashion. So, it ends up on a to-do list somewhere between laundry and a mani-pedi (hey, you can't neglect your cuticles).

Anyhoo, this crap gets loonier every season, and they've got a doozy of a character this go-round. Having worked with some Bachelor producers myself, I have it on pretty good authority that all contestants have to go through a pysch consult before going on the show.

I'm pretty sure Kasey slipped through.

I'm also pretty sure the producers must be giving Ali a bonus to keep this crazy stalker around.



In case you missed it, after Ali basically told Kasey to refill his anti-pyschotic prescription slow down, he went out and got a tattoo. In her honor. Oy.

Before Ali got to see this piece of (art)work and be suitably horrified, she was pulled away, so he slips through to another week. Sadly, though, her biggest mistake wasn't keeping Kasey around.

Ali, Ali, Ali. When the producers boss you around to keep a seemingly deranged lunatic on the show so people keep tuning in, ok, you do it.

But, when they ask you to don a LEOTARD that even Heidi Klum would have trouble pulling off, one that is so unflattering it creates a fake-side-boob situation, it's time to take a stand.

I don't care if you get to be in "The Lion King". In that outfit, no one can feel the love tonight.

Legal Eagles

I know we've got a long, hopefully hot, summer before the fall shows hit, but it is my duty to keep you informed so you can plan ahead.

CBS has a duo of legal shows debuting, and the jury's out on both. For your consideration....

BLUE BLOODS A 'law enforcement family' drama from Sopranos producers, starring Tom Selleck, Bridget Moynahan and Donnie Wahlberg.

Pros It's from Sopranos producers. Everyone loves Tom Selleck. And who doesn't love a Wahlberg?

Cons Is it just me, or has Bridget Moynahan cornered the market on playing pinchy characters?

Worrisome that in this trailer, when listing why the show is exciting, Tom Selleck says "it has plots".

Let's at least hope he's right.



THE DEFENDERS Two Vegas lawyers bend the rules in this buddy comedy. Starring Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell.

Pros The trailer seems to indicate that it has that 80's Beverly Hills Cop vibe to it, if you're into that sort of thing.

I've sort of always loved Jim Belushi ever since he played Rob Lowe's obnoxious sidekick in "About Last Night', no matter that he's kind of the king of the kitschy.

Plus, I went to a taping of "According to Jim" once and he pulled me out of the audience and serenaded me. True story.

Cons Is it possible to watch Jerry O'Connell and not think about how he got Rebecca Romijn from John Stamos?

No Bull(ock)

I try to reserve this blog for the things that are important and meaningful in this world- ripping apart reality stars and finding good television.

And so I generally make it a rule not to tread on TMZ territory (really, is there anything grosser right now than that freaky Gary Coleman killer profiteer/ex-wife/bottom-feeder?).

But sometimes you have to break the rules.

Anyhoo, though this does veer into gossip land, I have to talk about Sandra Bullock's awesome comeback appearance this weekend. I mean, girls all over the world were devastated when they heard that idiot she was married to, well, turned out to be such an idiot. I don't think I've seen ladies this upset about someone-they-don't-know's break up since Brad left Jen for the Dragon Lady.

But this was worse.

This was the Sweetheartiest of America's Sweethearts. The one that stayed off page 6 and whom you'd be hard pressed to find a bad word about.

So what's a gal to do? I'll tell ya. You lay low for a while, and make an appearance like this one:


Not only does she make us laugh and handle this whole mess with incredible grace, but she did the impossible.

I kinda forgot about Jesse James.

Instead, I was thinking that Sandy must've spent all of her time on the Stairmaster during her downtime because girlfriend is not lookin' 45.

No wonder she smooched Scarlett Johansson. She's got legs. And she knows how to use them.

I'll Be There For You

When people tell you, "I've got good news and bad news", which do you ask for first?

I've got both.

Two of your favorite FRIENDS are returning to television - Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc.

Welllll...first, I'm giving you the bad news:

Matthew Perry is coming to ABC in a new series called "Mr. Sunshine". Now, I've always liked Perry, even if he sorta always plays the Chandlerish character. That's cool. It's comforting and dependable, like when you're channel surfing and have to stop to watch Rocky or Pretty Woman (again). Adrian! Work it, girl...you own it!

Never gets old.

So, I was sorta psyched to watch this promo and see what kind of hijinks the latest Chandler incarnation would get into.

And then I watched. Oh dear God, I watched. All 3 minutes-OH-DEAR-GOD-HOW-MUCH-LONGER-IS-THIS and one seconds of it, I watched. Perry is a turning-40-having-a-midlife-crisis guy who manages - WAIT FOR IT! - a stadium. Hilarious, right? Um, not so much.



Maybe it's just a bad teaser. Maybe it'll be better than it looks. Maybe the world is flat.

Not exactly holding my breath.

On a lighter note, Matt LeBlanc's comeback (Is my spin thru IMDB right? Has he really done NOTHING since JOEY?) on Showtime has me calling up my cable provider and adding the pay channel to my lineup.

Matt LeBlanc plays...Matt LeBlanc. Maybe this joke will get old. I hope not. The premise centers around producers bringing a British show to America. They want to dumb it down, so they cast - who else? - Matt LeBlanc. Brilliant!



All I can say is...How YOU doin'?

Blonde Ambition

Those Bachelor producers are at it again! The latest Bachelorette (no big surprise for those of us Rose followers) is Bachelor/Jake season alumni/early-leaver Ali.

Now, I was a big Ali fan on the Bachelor, too. Cutie, blondie, breezy, New England-turned-San Fran gal? What's not to like?

Well, here's the problem.

We're two episodes in, and there are some issues. Now, don't hate me for this, but...

Dear Bachelorette-stylemakers/producer-types;

Ali finally dumped the Facebook job to go on your Bachelor franchise, the main purpose of which is to get her in a hot tub on national television...I'm sorry, but she is not looking TV skinny. Hold the hate mail. I'm sure her skinny jeans are way skinnier than mine. I am NOT suggesting she is fat. Calm down.


But, you producer-types are making her look kinda, well, NOT Bachelorette-ish. If you were throwing her in some prepster J.Crew-ish dresses more often, it'd be just fine. But, you're shoving her into these awkward unflattering outfits and seem to have pasted some Brittany Spears-ish extensions into her formerly au naturel hairstyle. Or worse, her photo shoot with the boys had her rocking a bikini with...what were those, business pants? If she can't rock the full bikini, then at least throw her in a sarong!

Let's be clear - I'm not hating on Ali. I'm SO not. But fix that wardrobe problem, STAT!

Also, with all the fame whores eligible bachelors out there, couldn't you at least have found some hotter guys?

On a lighter note, I'm proud of you Bachelor producers. Season 800 (or whatever) and you've kept your record and delivered a season teaser that includes a police siren and what looks like some serious drama drama drama.

I'm hooked, thorns and all.