More Lip Schtick

Oh dear.  After the media blitz of last week's "Harry Loves Lisa" premiere, I thought we'd be all tv-plastic-surgery-starred out, no? Now,  I have to admit, I thought Lisa's cheerleadery support of Harry was sort of (gasp) genuine-seeming, but the lips! Oh, the lips!  They make me so sad!  Yet, I was powerless to look away. The Hamlin-Rinnas + TV Land know this, and so they've made La Lips the lip-pin, er, lynchpin of their marketing campaign for the show.

Give 'em credit, they know how to put their best foot forward.  Or best lips forward.

Whatever. 

But now, the latest reality show I will become powerless to resist is premiering on Bravo this Thursday.  Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, Botox fans and others, I present to you:

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!!!!

No, I can't believe I'm promoting this crap, either.   The only Housewives franchise I have ever watched is New Jersey, but even that could only hold me for one season. How many episodes in a row can a girl take of the "Danielle-is-here...oh-my-gawd-that-whooooo-rah" theme song, ya know?

(Ok, full disclosure, I watched Bethenny Frankel on "Bethenny Getting Married" even though I'd never seen the NY franchise, but I swear she's somewhat normal...at least, normal using the Bravo television barometer.)

Anyhoo, I watched Bravo's preview clip  and these ladies terrify and intrigue me at the same time.  With Camille (Mrs. Kelsey) Grammer on board, no doubt the schadenfreude-tastic thrill of watching the implosion of her marriage to Kelsey will be the rubber neck draw of the series that Ms. Rinna's lips are on "Harry Loves Lisa".  

Plus, it's got TWO Hilton relatives/ex-child stars, some woman named Lisa VanderPump (I couldn't make that up) who not only looks like Jackie Collins but could star in her awesomely trashy movies-of-the-week, a Maloof wife AND one woman with a very surgically altered lip.  And a partridge in a pear tree.  

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the freakiest of them all?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Oh you crazy Bachelor kids! Why'd you have to go and recycle that kinda-seems-like-a-hick Brad Womack?? Surely you could do better? If it was controversy you were a-courtin', why not cast now-legendary (ok, kind of) bad boy Kovacs??

(For you non-Bachelor watchers, we'll get to him in a minute.)

I mean, who makes these decisions?

Anyhoo, Womack's claim to fame was that - scandal alert - he didn't pick either girl at the end. People were outraged. They couldn't believe he didn't fake-pick someone only to real-break up with them 6 weeks later!

But that's not really why he ushered in the Bachelor's brief shark-jumping era. I mean, in the beginning, they'd trot out all these guys with a gimmick, and you would (sort of) understand why the gals were all atwitter: Billionaire vineyard owner Andrew Firestone! Sort of a prince Lorenzo! Related to a C-List Actor Charlie O'Connell!

Womack's credentials? College drop-out/bartender. Woo hoo! No wonder you ladies were so upset he didn't pick you. How could you let him slip through your fingers?!

Oy.

So, supposedly he's gone through "intensive therapy" to ensure he's ready to pick someone at the end. And by "intensive therapy" I'm sure that means ABC's contract makes sure he's gotta walk outta there with some girl sportin' some bling.

But the bigger question is, who the hell wants him?

Would you date this man?

ABC, since you've thrown the Rico-Suave rich guy thing out the window as a pre-requisite, and recycling is your thing, why not bring back Jesse Kovacs?? He's the kind of guy every girl has gone out with (or tried to) at least once. Ladies, if you're around 25, you know this guy: hat backwards, cocky as hell dude? He might lure ya in with an Amstel Light when you see him across the bar, right?

And he may or may not call you...five days later.

He's the guy you love to hate and hate to love.

Now THAT is reality tv.

Loose Lips

Did you know Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna have a 'reality' show, "Harry loves Lisa", that is premiering Wednesday on TV Land?

Yeah, me neither.

On the one hand, you think, ick! I would never watch this! On the other hand, you think...well, ick! Plus, no man would ever sit through it. Well, no man in MY house.

But then I watched this clip, and I thought...Lisa is kind of funny. Could this be...good? Rinna's way of getting all, um, lippy is kind of appealing in a Kathy-Griffin-outrageous kind of way (again with this show being a man repeller. Or at least, a straight man-repeller). In the very first intro clip, they're not afraid to dish the dirt, including the fact that it was Nicolette Sheridan dumping Harry for Michael Bolton that led to Harry and Lisa getting together.

Poor Michael Bolton is on everyone's, um, lips. He's having a really bad week. I said it before - you should've never cut the hair! It's why you tanked on Dancing with the Stars and why Felicity Keri Russell is in that God awful show (at least, it LOOKS awful) that's probably about to be canceled, "Running Wilde". Leave the hair alone. You don't see Kenny G getting a buzz cut! And what, you think Snooki would be Snooki without the pouf?

I digress, as usual.

Anyhoo, Harry and Lisa do seem to have a little schtick that could be something. Maybe, maybe not. I will say that their whole "Look at us, we're the Hollywood marriage that is the exception" thing is like inviting the Jinx Gods to come in and get them divorced, but that's the risk they'll have to take.

Besides, they claim they are solid. Hopefully that's not just lip service.

Tony the Tiger

If you haven't already heard, tonight is the premiere of "Teach"...the new A&E show that follows Tony Danza going back to school as a teacher. Since my talented friend Erin Kelly was one of the producers, SPOILER ALERT, I'm probably gonna love it.

But that's not the only reason.

I'm a sucka for second chances. No, I don't mean a career 'comeback' for Danza. I'm pretty sure he can probably sit around in chairs made of gold from his "Taxi" and "Who's the Boss" residuals alone. (Even at gold's current price! Ladies, sell that ex-boyfriend jewelry asap. You can finally cash in on the remnants of that horrible relationship you cried over!)

I digress. Back to second chances.

Anyhoo...Tony went to school to be a teacher, but then went off and became Tony, that affable tv chap that many of us grew up with and loved. He could coast on that forever, but instead, at a whisker shy of sixty, he's taking a chance and, as he says, taking the road not taken.

And isn't that a great message to send to the very kids he's teaching? Not to get all preachy and Oprah-ish on ya, but seriously, by going 'back to school' he's saying it's never too late to try something new, and that's, uh...one to grow on.

Tony's reign on the touchy feely sitcom world may be over (heck, the touchy feely sitcom is over) but by taking a chance and stepping inside the classroom, he teaches a far bigger lesson than he ever did as a fictional ex-boxer-turned cab driver OR as a manny.

As himself, he's teaching the most important lesson of all:

YOU's the boss.

You Better, You Better, You Bet

It's week 2 of the Fall premiere season. What are YOU watching?

Or are you still wading through all the new stuff on your DVR, like me?

This year, I don't think there's any new wowsers in the spirit of "Mad Men" or "Modern Family"...yet. But, here's the rundown so far, keeping in mind I've yet to watch "Chase" or "The Whole Truth". And "Running Wilde" and "Raising Hope" lost a DVR faceoff conflict so they're toast. Sorry.

LONE STAR: I really don't know why the critics went nuts over this one (and neither do you, since it tanked in the ratings). I mean, it's FINE, a decent soap opera with some sort-of-compelling plot twists. I'm not sure James Wolk really has the "It" Factor to carry the show. Sure, he's good looking, but does he come off as the charmer that could fool these two ladies?

Not to me.

And not to kick 'em with a steel-toed boot while they're down, but last night's ratings tanked again, so not even sure it's worth my time to invest in this show that is surely headed for that big cancellation cloud in the sky.

Sorry, pardner.

HAWAII FIVE O: Speaking of under-performing leading men...Alex O'Loughlin (known for "The Backup Plan") is the lead in Hawaii Five-O. Three minutes into watching last week, I almost turned it off. There hasn't been an actor this wooden since Andrew Shue on Melrose...and for some reason, that was fun. This...is not. It's like he's a poor man's Michael Vartan.

Next time just get Michael Vartan.

However....I stuck with it once I remembered Scott Caan was in this! Sure, the Lilliputian fellow has poufy, frosty hair and I'm pretty sure he was a key player in popularizing that awful trucker cap trend that was big for awhile, but I don't care! Love him!

Also, don't care that he basically plays the same wise crackin' dude in every show. He is SO watchable and fun, I'll stick with Hawaii Five O awhile longer just for him.

THE EVENT Episode 2 awaits me on my DVR, but the fact that I feel like it's homework to watch and it dropped 20% in the ratings this week....doesn't bode well for the future.

BLUE BLOODS Pros: The performances are good, even though once again Bridget Moynahan delivers every line through clenched teeth like she's still pissed off at Tom Brady. Big (ish) names Tom Selleck and Donnie Wahlberg are good, and so is Will Estes.

Cons: My dear, dear writers, step up your craft. Episode one's plot devices were razor thin. Also, the whole bad boy cop "I break the rules" thing has been done ad nauseum, no?

Despite all this, it's worth sticking with it, especially as a nice Friday night down timer (what, you have plans???).

BETTER WITH YOU Last, but not least...if I HAD to pick a fave so far...I'm going with "Better With You". Is it Modern Family awesome? Well, no. But, it's pretty funny, the dialogue and characters are snappy and relatable. I actually watched it 2ce and found it even funnier the second time around. Sample exchange: Ben, who has been in a non-wedded relationship for 9 years, to Casey, kinda dumb guy about to marry his girlfriend's sister after 7 1/2 weeks: "It took us 7 months to decide on a coffee maker and I'm still not sure we didn't make a HUGE mistake".

Also, Jake Lacy as Casey really excels at playing the Duh-but-lovable guy in a sort of Joey-on-Friends kind of way.

I'm in!

Tonight, you can also try out "No Ordinary Family". It's about a family with superhero powers. I won't be watching, cuz, well, I"m not really into superheroes...but if you are, it's on ABC tonight.

PS. Jennifer Grey..keep those awesome Dancing with the Stars dances comin'. You are goin' all the way, Baby!!!

Survival of the Fittest

We're almost half way there, people! Super premiere week rolls on and we have our very first ousted dancer on Dancing with the Stars.

*Spoilers*

Much to my chagrin, it was not "When a Man Loves a Woman" crooner/Nicolette Sheridan lover Michael Bolton that went home, but instead, they hassled the Hoff! That's right, David Hasselhoff, beloved Knight Rider rider/Baywatcher/German pop star David Hasselhoff was sent home. A travesty of justice, voters!

You must be the same people that kept Kate Gosselin around longer than Shannen Doherty. Shame on you.

Movin' on.

Tonight, ABC's "Modern Family" is back and I couldn't be more excited. But before that, "Better with You" premieres and I'm cautiously optimistic. The reviews have been sort of meh, but then again all the critics lovvvvvvved Lone Star and the headline in my inbox this morning said it might be canceled after one episode.

Clearly, no one knows anything.

Anyhoo, "Better With You" follows three couples in different love stages: newly engaged after a few weeks, dating for 9 years, and married for 35 years. Sure, the premise could get old (how many living together/Goldie Hawn + Kurt Russell jokes can they make? And they can't even dive into Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins territory anymore!) but I'm a sucker for comedy so I'm willing to check it out.

Also tonight is NBC's premiere of the new J.J. Abrams spy drama, "Undercovers" Not sure if I'm still bitter at J.J. for "Lost" or feeling oversaturated on the spy front, but this show looks kind of lame to me. So it'll probably be a smash hit.

"The Whole Truth" is yet ANOTHER courtroom drama on ABC, this time promising to show both sides of the case to 'keep you guessing' about the outcome. Didn't we kinda do that on "The Practice" like 10 years ago? Anyway, it's got Maura Tierney and Rob Morrow, so there's that.

Last but not least, Survivor actually started last week, but if you want to see Nicaragua, a whole lot of trailer park trash and random contestant, ex-coach Jimmy Johnson compete for a million bucks, set the DVR to CBS.

Who will YOU be voting off tonight?

Oh Baby!

I feel terrible. Like a total poseur. I tell y'all to blow off Dancing with the Stars and what do I do? I watch it. Not just part of it. Not just the beginning.

Every single shiny cha cha cha.

Sure, it started out innocently enough. All the really good tv wasn't starting till 9, so why not kill an hour dancing with the stars? But smarty-pants ABC saved all the good people for 9-10, and how could I NOT watch Jennifer Grey bring back a little dirty dancing? I mean, "I've Had the Time of My Life" was my prom theme for crying out loud.

Which makes me (and Jennifer Grey) kinda old. (But no less fabulous, of course.) In case you missed it, here's the clip...and if you don't cry when you watch...well then you are made of stone!



Meanwhile, back at the, um, ranch, I have Lone Star (and all the others) still on my DVR so I can't yet weigh in, but apparently I wasn't the only one watching Baby Come Back last night because Lone Star tanked in the ratings. Always a tricky thing, being the critical darling. Oh well.



Anyhoo, some noteworthy premieres tonight: Fox has Raising Hope and Running Wilde. Raising Hope is from the makers of My Name is Earl and is about a young white trashy kid who suddenly must raise a baby with help from his white trashy family; Running Wilde stars Will Arnett as a rich guy trying to woo hippy chick Felicity Keri Russell...hijinks ensue!

For all you Gleeks and weight loss lovers, Glee and The Biggest Loser are back. Personally, I'll be cozied up to see who gets voted off DWTS. I'd just assume send Bristol Palin home, not for political reasons, mind you, but because the poor thing looked about as comfortable and coordinated as I did at my 7th grade recital. And trust me, you don't want me to dig up THAT VHS.

The curiosity factor will probably keep her around at least another week or so. Plus, the judges oddly didn't rip her to shreds as I thought they would. Can't say the same for poor, stiff, uncomfortable, dull looking Michael Bolton. You're on the chopping block, dude. Take a cue from Jennifer Grey and loosen up!

She's like the wind.

Monday Night Madness!

Wow. I went from watching Sex and the City re-runs again just to pass the time...to tonight's explosion of premieres and some super tv decisions to make. What to watch, what to watch. No doubt you are also feeling the DVR pressure. Might even be time to add another DVR.

(Or get a life.)

Anyhoo, as I was plotting my strategy on what to watch, it reminded me of an old drinking game I used to play, "Kiss, Kill, Marry". I don't remember how drinking played a part, but the concept is simple: given the names of three fictitious suitors, what would you do with each? You know, like "Kiss George Clooney, Kill Brad Pitt, Marry Jon Hamm".

Uh, or something like that.

There is so much crap premiering tonight that all I can say is, thank God I'm not a football fan, too, or I'd be really in trouble! So, since I'm not into fantasy football, let's play my little game:

KISS: The Event Yes, this looks like a keeper. Who doesn't love Blair Underwood in anything, really? But, I don't want to get too attached because it looks just like all those other high-concept shows that I get all into and the network pulls the plug around episode 7. The plot? It's about some big cover-up that even the president (Blair Underwood) didn't know about. Some regular guy who looks exactly like James Marsden (but is actually Josh Ritter) gets caught up in all of it while trying to find his missing girlfriend. Also, that chick that played Kerry Weaver on ER is a big part of it but she doesn't have any crutches.

KILL Dancing with the Stars I know, I know - I kinda wanna watch Jennifer Grey, too. Not tryin' to put Baby in a corner. But Bristol Palin? Really? How many times do you think the camera's going to cut to Mommie Dearest in the audience? I can't stomach that. Besides, you can catch the recap tomorrow instead of sitting through all 120 minutes of mush.

MARRY: Lone Star Not gonna lie, I'm really just jumping on all the other critics' bandwagons here, but I've already mentioned that this show about a guy living a double life looks pretty good to me. Plus, newcomer James Wolk has lots of potential as the next McDreamy-ish heartthrob type, and we need some more of those, no?

ON THE FENCE:

Hawaii Five-O I'll check it out because Scott Caan is hilarious. Jury's out on the guy from "The Backup Plan" (let's hope he's better in this) and, no offense to Daniel Dae Kim, but I just can't view him as anyone but Jin from Lost.

Chase If you're a Jerry Bruckheimer fan, this is for you, but I'm not overly excited, mainly because all of the marketing materials start out describing the female lead as a "cowboy-boot wearing deputy" and that sounds really lame. But, the premiere episode features Travis Fimmel, a model I worked with early in his career (name drop alert!) at Calvin Klein, and he was sweet as pie. So watch for him.

Just another manic Monday.

Tik Tok on the Clock

In the last 2 weeks I have seen The Backup Plan and The Switch (who knew sperm donors were so hilarious?). I'm guessing you probably haven't seen either, based on the box office results, but I'm here to tell you that both are solid chick flick rentals, if you're into that sorta thing. Now technically, The Switch is still in theaters, but I assure you it will be on DVD in a minute.

Having trouble deciding which ticking clock comedy to see? Don't worry, I'm here to guide you through the decision making process, like that special friend who takes you for your first pregnancy test in high school.

Hmm. Maybe I've been watching too much of Teen Moms. Sorry. Anyhoo...

GLAM APPEAL


The Backup Plan has JLO looking bright and shiny and rocking designer frocks in every scene.

The Switch has Jennifer Aniston looking somewhat disheveled (for a movie star, not for a real life person) and probably wondering why as Executive Producer she didn't fire her hair and makeup person.

Winner: JLO by her hair

SUPPORTING STAR POWER

The Switch has Juliette Lewis as Jennifer Aniston's wacky sidekick, no doubt wondering when her career veered into 'wacky sidekick' territory.

The Backup Plan has 82 year old Tom Bosley (Mr. C from Happy Days) playing a 93 year old, making you sad that he looks so frail and that he's no longer doling out sage advice to Richie and Fonzie. Also, Linda Lavin (remember Alice?) plays his girlfriend, probably wondering at age 72 how she could be cast as the girlfriend and missing Mel's Diner something fierce.

Winner: Though I sort of like the amusing backstory of knowing Jennifer Aniston + Juliette Lewis both were with Brad Pitt, I have to give the edge to The Backup Plan for pure retro appeal.


CUTE KID FACTOR

In the Backup Plan, we don't really get to see the fruits of Jennifer Lopez's, um, labor.

In the Switch, cutie patootie Thomas Robinson takes over where that kid from Jerry Maguire left off.

Winner: Thomas Robinson by default.


LOVE INTEREST


The Switch has fan favorite Jason Bateman as the guy that "shhh, we the audience know he secretly loves her but can't tell her even as she is about to get herself a donor". Unfortunately, he spends the whole movie doing that Jason Bateman surly thing, and you can't for the life of you figure out why she'd ever want to be with him.

The Backup Plan has Alex O'Loughlin as the guy JLO falls for right after she gets pregnant. Alex who?

Winner: Neither. Hollywood really needs to come up with some new leading men.