Mr. Big (s)

This past week, ABC rolled out both Dirty Sexy Money AND Big Shots, both [not to oversimplifiy it] about rich guys. But, Big Shots is about much HOTTER rich guys, and is much campier, escapist fare. Dirty Sexy Money is pretty campy, too, but it feels like it might *try* to be more serious. My problem with it though is that the characters were such cliches...I mean that kid that played Jeremy Darling, the drug addict rich kid? He was SO some kind of sad Less than Zero parody. I'm going to give it a [big] shot, though, probably because I'm brainwashed by ABC's PR machine. They seem to have more of THEIR dirty sexy money behind this one. You can already go to their site and see a full episode, and at least here in NYC, the billboards are EVERYWHERE.

Regardless, Big Shots just got me right away. True, it's just the male Desperate Housewives, but it's pure sug-ah, especially with the one two punch of Dylan McDermott AND Michael Vartan, who both look like they've stepped out of a Bruce Weber ad. The dialogue is snappy and fun, and I can't wait to see what happens next week on this soapy soap.

Moving around the dial, I also checked out Life. I'm kind of into it, though I was absolutely annoyed to the point of distraction by the shooting style of the inserted "documentary" pieces that are used as a storytelling device. If you're not familiar, this is NBC's offering about a wrongly accused cop who goes to jail for murder, then is freed years later with a gazillion dollar settlement and becomes a cop again. It's worth a second look.

And, not to leave the gals out, I also gave Bionic Woman a chance. Also heavily hyped, I wanted to like it even though it's not my typical fare. I couldn't get into it, and frankly wasn't really sure what was going on half the time. But, the plot went something like this [I think]: girl gets in car accident that may or may not really be an accident with boyfriend and is brought to some Lost-ish medical facility where she gets all of her bionic parts. Then we find out her boyfriend is in on it, the people there want her to fight crime, or commit crime...I'm not really sure. Then some other bionic dissenter wants to kill her and/or her boyfriend who may or may not also be a criminal. Mostly, all of these people seemed to very baaaaaaad people. I think.

Oh, and Miguel Ferrer, aka George Clooney's cousin, is in it. Don't ask me why I know this.

Oh Deer

*Grey's Anatomy Spoilers*

I am worried.

I love Grey's Anatomy. I love it for the palpable angst that used to be present every time Derek, Meredith and Addison rode an elevator. But now, Addison rides talking elevators in another hospital. Oh, wait, they took that stupid element out of "Private Practice"....but either way she's gone.

Anyway, at the heart of any great drama, we really need the 'will they or won't they make it' of the core couple, in this case, Meredith and Derek. But the writers got them together too quick, then panicked and now I'm so confused why they 'broke up' in the first place. So I spent most of the first episode trying to remember if/why they broke up. I still can't really say, but I guess it has something to do with Meredith's inability to be normal. Or something.

Further bumming me out is the introduction of the new interns and Meredith's sister. I really hope all of these generic new characters aren't a permanent fixture, and yes that includes Meredith's sister. Maybe like Meredith said in her VO...I just don't like change.

But, worst of all is that the writers [I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Grey's writers, please don't hold this against me someday when I beg you for a job] spent the whole first episode trying soooo hard to write quippy dialogue and overblown inspiring monologues that they forgot to deal with the heart of the matter. And, I'm sorry, that Izzy saving a deer storyline? Did I miss it? When the deer jumped up did it ACTUALLY jump over a shark?

Sigh. I don't wanna hate on Grey's. I just miss the angst. Previews for next week do hold out hope for me with the Izzy/George/Callie triangle.

And, it's not ALL bad. I did really enjoy Mark Sloan's doe-eyed man-love speech to Derek.

That made me feel like Grey's Anatomy has still got some game.

Letterman's Ladies

It's been said that back in the old days, young comedians appearing for the first time on Johnny Carson would hope and pray that they'd get invited to sit on the couch after their stand-up routine. A simple nod from Johnny was considered approval and could change careers.

These days, I've noticed another barometer of success on late night TV when it comes to Carson disciple David Letterman. I'm not sure this changes careers, or has an impact on anyone other than JUST ME, but now, maybe you will play this little game along with me when you watch.

I am of the opinion that when it comes to his female guests, it's very simple to determine if Dave likes you or not. If Dave likes you, then the interview is capped off with a kiss to the hand.

I've gotten good at this. I can usually guess as I watch how it's going to go. On Tuesday night, Kate Walsh came on to promote Private Practice, but because she yammered away on a rehearsed story about her wedding, Dave really didn't get to engage with her. A little research showed me that this is exactly what happened last time (only the story was about a contractor, not her wedding). So, I knew it was coming...the hand kiss snub. Sorry Kate, Dave's just not that into you.

But, surprisingly, he seems to have a soft spot for the wild gals, the troubled kids. Lindsay? Always gonna get a kiss. Drew Barrymore's a legend there, but, that might be because of her infamous flashing incident. Even Paris Hilton. PARIS HILTON! She's so annoying and yet, Dave kind of digs it cuz it gives him something to play off of.

But don't take my word for it. Compare Kate Walsh's interview from last night and the pre-prison interview of Paris from earlier this year [I forgive you in advance if you cannot sit through nine minutes of Paris Hilton to help me prove my point].

Paris is also going to be on this Friday from an appearance taped earlier in the week. Rumor has it she was really pissed that Dave gave her such a hard time...but to my ears that sounds like an interview worthy of a hand kiss to me!

A Rose by any other Name

I zipped through The Bachelor last night and when I say I zipped, I mean...thank GOD for DVR...but more about that later.

This is literally like the 100th season, and I'm not sure how it's still on the air, but there are some elements that SEEM to be a constant...I believe I've identified the top 5:

5. The girl that gets smashed and makes a fool out of herself.
4. The subsequent meltdown over getting eliminated, natch.
3. The Bachelor's repeated assurances in VO that he WILL find his wife.
2. CATFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the #1 Bachelor tool? I mean device, I wasn't calling this new Bachelor guy a tool...ok, maybe I was...

1. The teaser that gives us a glimpse of a DRAMATIC accident...complete with ambulance and/or police cruisers.

How many seasons can this happen? Are we supposed to actually believe it? Desperate for ratings, I suspect a producer probably kicked one of those girls down the stairs.

Anyhoo...this season, it does seem a bit different the way these gals spend all of episode one performing nothing less than circus tricks to get the attention of the Bachelor. One girl actually showed off her WEBBED toes. I'm not sure why she did this, but they should've put THAT in the ads! Then we'd all get along..um, swimmingly.

Over on Dancing with the Stars...some shows are DESIGNED FOR DVR. This is one of them. I really just wanted to see the "Where are they now?" backstories of the contestants...and in an hour and a half they only got through half the contestants as it was only the women. I got through the whole show (thank you DVR!) in about 10 minutes. Jane Seymour signed some sort of deal with the devil to look that good at 56.

There's ANOTHER hour and a half episode tonight, but I don't think I can watch.

They didn't lure me with any ambulances....

Must See Monday

After all of these weeks of suffering, Premiere Week is finally here. Thank God. I almost had to start reading.

First up, ABC's dishing up some serious reality tv. Dancing with the Stars is on at 8pm. I just can't commit this season. Too many hours! There's the show, then the recap of the show, then the recap of the recap...my DVR just cannot accommodate it all. I mean, of course I'll peak at it. Gotta see what the latest 90210-er is up to, how Scary Spice fares...but of course the REAL reason I'll tune in a little is to see...Albert Reed.

I mean I'll tune in to see WHO Albert Reed is. Maybe the title should be "Dancing With SOME Stars".

If you're not too cha cha'd out, you can watch the 87th season of The Bachelor at 9:30pm. This season, it appears they've drafted a college dropout/bar owner as The Bachelor. Remember when they'd at least pretend to make the guy seem rich and important? Note to the producers: Bring back The Bachelorette! Your target audience is desperate single 30-something women, and they (ok, we) don't want to see some guy choose some 22-year old drunk idiot to be his "wife".

But... we totally wanna see a bunch of hot guys competing and live vicariously through the gal that gets to choose him.

Enough with the reality wasteland. Just make sure you watch "How I Met Your Mother" at 8pm on CBS. If you weren't already watching the last 2 seasons, you were missing out. It is - wait for it - awesome.

I See Dead People

I have always been obsessed with the dead people montage at awards shows for several reasons, and Sunday night's Emmy telecast was no exception. The first reason for my obsession is, there's always that "Oh my God, he died?!" factor, as in...that kid from the Jefferson's died? Larry Bud Melman just died this year? Tom Poston died? Lily Munster died????

The other oddity of the dead people montage is that it's this bizarro posthumous popularity contest, so it's always morbidly interesting to see who the producers decide is the corpse with the most cache. This year, Merv Griffin was deemed dearest departed...no big surprise he was saved for last. But, isn't it weeeeeeeeeeird the way some of the dead people get more applause than others, or that many don't get applause at all? And why is the audience clapping?! These people are dead! Sit there and feel BAD like you are supposed to!

This year, there was some added weirdness. First, the fact that the dead people montage came right out of Sally Field's censored [over-rehearsed] speech left us still grappling with a "What's going on?" feeling, as in, why are they cutting to that non-descript dark wide shot of nothing to cover up whatever they are censoring? Is "Don't Stop Believin'" gonna come on now? Is David Chase involved?

So I was a little discombobulated that there was no classy "Here's the people that died" intro and had to readjust my concentration when the "In Memoriam" hit the screen next. Luckily, the super duper smart producers put up a nice sky with clouds graphic behind all of the dead people so you'd know they were dead people and that they were, I assume, in heaven.

The other oddity of the night was that early on, there was a montage of late night talk show one-liners, and then all of a sudden it morphed from funny to all of the late nighters talking about how sad they were Tom Snyder died. But, Tom Snyder ALSO got billing in the Dead People Montage.

Does that mean that Tom Snyder aced out Merv Griffin for Best Dead Person Emmy after all?

Boob Tube

Just as I'd prayed for in my February 24th posting, Sherri Shepherd has joined The View, and frankly, not a moment too soon. So far, the addition of Whoopi Goldberg has yielded a discussion on how she doesn't like to wear a bra, followed by an entire segment about finding Whoopi a bra.

If this is what the future of The View looks like, I'm thinking the picture is not too ROSIE. Sherri's got some sass though, and I am hopeful she's going to spice things up.

Meanwhile, over at The Today Show, that fourth hour is everything I feared. It's just fluff fluff fluff. Literally. One of today's highlights in journalisim featured a lengthy segment on curly hair vs. straight hair. Seriously? I smell Emmy!
At least Matt Lauer has the good judgment to hightail it outta there before that hour begins lest he be dragged into that embarrassing coffee klatch.

Gimme a Break

Britney, Britney, Britney. Unless you've been under a rock, or worse...don't care about pop culture...you've heard by now all the hype leading up to Britney's "comeback" performance of her new single "Gimme More" at the MTV VMA's. Such a great opportunity for her to turn the beat around...so to speak.

Sadly, the girl that showed up Sunday night looked like she was miming her way through a rehearsal, save for the skimpy clothes that showed off her desperately makeup-airbrushed body which is suffering from severe Cheeto's abuse. Also, couldn't this gazillionaire afford to cover up her underarm stubble?

For weeks we've heard that she was collaborating with Criss Angel, which led me to believe she'd at least appear from a puff of smoke or something??! Perhaps his magic trick was getting her to channel Milli Vanilli?

If I were her advisor (and, let's face it, thank GOD I'm not), that girl would've popped magically out of somewhere in her REAL hair. C'mon it's gotta be as long as her idol Madonna's in 'Open Your Heart'! Natalie Portman and Mena Suvari have rocked some serious head shaving and made it cool. It's time for some serious re-invention, not this weird aging sad copy of her old self.

Still trying to figure out the Criss Angel connection....wait, I got it! I just realized that Britney DID collaborate with Criss Angel on this performance. Just like magic, her career just disappeared!!

Food for Thought

When are we gonna beeeeeeeeee there? Labor Day is over, and now we're in that odd pre-fall season no-man's land of nothing to watch for a few more weeks.

Don't worry little campers, I'll help you find something to pass the time. I'm not gonna force you to get outside and enjoy the waning nice weather.

First off, Tuesday night boasts a special "The Biggest Loser". While the premiere episode of the new season doesn't start till Sept 11th, you can at least check out a 'Where are they now?' update show. So, if you're a skinny optimist, you can watch and hope all those contestants have stayed svelte. Or, if you're a porky pessimist, you can feel better about yourself knowing that they couldn't keep it off, either. See, don't you feel better already about that 2nd burger you had at the Labor Day BBQ?

Tuesday is also Whoopi's first day on The View. Her first guest is Danny DeVito. No word on whether Whoopi has a new "get hammered with the guests" segment...but that sure would be fun!

Finally, Wednesday, Matt Lauer and Larry King are both claiming EXCLUSIVE interviews with Bill Clinton. I guess we should watch both cuz he's hawking his new book to show us how to change the world...um, that's kind of a lot of pressure but, ok.

Anyhoo, we'll get through these next 20 days together, somehow...1 show at a time. In the meantime, just sleep soundly knowing Scott Baio is 45...and Single Season 2 is already in production....