HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

I may not be David Ogilvy, but the fundamentals of advertising are fairly simple to grasp: create a need so people want to buy your product. The Starter Wife has created a need. So, where's the product?

On multiple episodes, they keep playing a 'signature song' every time Debra Messing's character hooks up with a homeless guy. (Wow, that sounds a lot stranger to write than what occurs on the show. I digress...) Anyway, surely a quick visit to the USA/Starter Wife website (which includes such valuable features as the 'whack an ex' videogame) would inform me where to find this song? Nope.

After extensive googling (what did Nancy Drew do before Google?), I discovered that Itunes has an album, "Songs from the Starter Wife". Of course! Easy! But it's not there, either. Just a bunch of forgettable filler songs that I don't even remember being in the show.

Why must you torture me so, USA, WHY?! I mean, I (and other el-dorko chick flickers like me) am practically running down the street with my checkbook. I want to buy this song!!! Is it just ME, or is this a no-brainer opportunity for this new artist and USA to both make money?

Maybe it's just me. Detective skills in tact, I found this dude (I think?) on My Space: http://www.myspace.com/fergusbrown
Click on "Last Winter". You can't buy it, but at least you can hear this Peter Gabriel-ish future star. You heard it here first...well, sort of.

BAIO WATCH

Somewhere in the world is the person that approved this magazine cover.

Ladies, your prayers have been answered. Scott Baio returns to tv July 15!!! 'Scott Baio is 45...and Single' premieres on VH1 in just a few short weeks. Is anyone else filled with glee? Are you humming the Joanie Loves Chachi theme song?

Or maybe you're reminiscing about his EMMY award winning performances (yes, it's true) in the ABC After School Specials "Stoned" and "All the Kids Do It".

Come to think of it, when did they stop airing those things? Maybe this is what's wrong with kids today..no After School Specials! If only Paris and Lindsay had such guidance, the roads (and, let's face it, the world) might be a safer place.

Sigh.

Love Will Keep Us Together

Are we officially out of reality tv concepts? NBC debuted "Age of Love" Monday night. It's the Bachelor - with a twist. And when I say IT'S THE BACHELOR, I sure do mean it.

The twist is, two sets of girls are vying for his love, 40-somethings...and 20-somethings. Everything else is pretty much the Bachelor business as usual.

As a member of the tv industry, I have to overcome a fair amount of cynicism to properly enjoy a show like this...but it's pretty hard. I can practically hear the machinations brewing behind the scenes: casting calls to find bratty, bitchy 20-somethings and hot hot hot "I can't believe you're 48!"/"Look at me!" 40-somethings....can you just say ONE more time for camera how your biological clock is ticking?

Plus, can't these lazy bastards at least not rip off EVERYTHING from The Bachelor? Even the teases to break: "Who will go home broken-hearted?" is stolen. You may as well hire Chris Harrison!

Then, under the category of millllllllllking it, during this show there was a commercial for..."Science of Love". "Science of Love" AND "Age of Love" are BOTH hosted by Mark Consuelos. Do we really need ANOTHER one of these?? Ok, a little research reveals "Science of Love" is actually just a one hour special "event"....but why is Mark Consuelos doing this? And doesn't he look too much like Mark Philippoussis (the bachelor in this) anyway? People reallllllly really want to be on tv.

At any rate, I'm exhausted already and it's only the first night of the series. Anyway, at least we're only days away from Paula Abdul's reality show, "Hey, Paula". I smell a Norma Desmond award hall of famer!!!!!!

Don't Stop Believin'

*Do I really need to warn about spoilers at this point???*

Yes, I too thought the cable had gone wacky at the end of the Sopranos. After contemplation I think the open ended finale is brilliant, though unecessary to chop it off abruptly so that people spend more time rewinding Tivo than trying to 'figure out' the end.

Anyway, there's nothing to figure out. Back in season one, an episode was titled "Nobody Knows Anything", and that applies here. Maybe a more appropriate Journey song would be "Any Way You Want It". The truth is, we don't know. The brilliance of David Chase is, just like life, he doesn't tie things up in a neat little bow. And, let's face it, people are angry. People are talking. And that's what a great ending does.

But in the end this show has always been about the ironic dichotomy of Tony's two lives: the edge of your seat gangster and the everyday trivialities (with its associated annoyances) of family life. And we assume this uneasy coexistence continues long after the camera cuts, and the 'family' goes on. Tony Soprano is forever trapped in between worlds. Turns out LOST hasn't cornered the market on Purgatory. In the words of Tony Soprano:

"Cause, once you're into this family, there's no getting out."

Pay no attention to the GINORMOUS elephant in the living room...

Though it's been my personal vow NEVER to give any ink to Paris Hilton, I have to just address the lame lame lame non-journalism that took place on Friday's Regis and Kelly...er, well, there was no Regis, so Kelly and Neil Patrick Harris (a.k.a Doogie Howser).

I digress.

So there's teeny weeny itty bitty Nicole Richie, on the program to promote the new season of "The Simple Life". If you were born under a rock, it co-stars Paris Hilton. Simultaneously as this show is airing, Hilton is all over the news (the news! Paris Hilton is news!) going back to jail, yet nooooo mention of Paris' situation to Nicole. No softball questions that Nicole can answer with "No comment" or "I'm praying for her". Just no mention of it whatsoever?

Shame on you, Gelman. And you call yourself a producer.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Sunday night's second to last episode of the Sopranos was a bloodbath. You know it's a good show when you scream out loud while watching alone.

Or maybe that's just me.

First, just a minor plot grievance: Tony's off in hiding, and Carmella and Meadow head over to Janice's to console her. Does this mean suicidal A.J. was left at home alone? Hmmm.

Anyone else think that Tony was going to blow his OWN head off for a quick second at the end when he was clutching the gun? That COULD happen next week. Well, maybe. My other prediction that Adriana is still alive doesn't seem to be panning out, after all. Let's face it: next week is a wild card, but I think this dude's going down.

Either way, expect some homages to The Godfather/Goodfellas etc. next week...now THAT you can take to the bank.