The '007 Trifecta

So I wanna fit in here in my inaugural year in blogger-ville, and everyone who is anyone ends the year with their faves list. I had to think about this. What were my favorite tv moments of 2007? What were those moments that made me go...did that really just happen?

Yes, these are the winners of the Watercooler Awards...or, to put it in a less politically correct way, I present to you, the WTF? Moments in Television of 2007.

**(And yes, these have spoilers, but if you haven't seen this by now you're never gonna!)**

#3 Flash Forward to Kate and Jack getting off the Island

Yes, Lost got off track, and even I admit that as next season looms, I've forgotten alot of the juicy details that I probably should be keeping track of to figure out this whole thing. But, one thing's for sure, I'm totally coming back to watch. We now know that Jack and Kate got off the island, but at whose expense? That's good stuff.


#2 Jack helps Tracy with therapy

Alec Baldwin as Jack 'role playing' the members of Tracy's family is everything I love about 30 Rock and more. Admit it, you watched and felt a little uncomfortable. Is he REALLY saying these things? This show gives me hope that the sitcom genre is not dead, just...better.


#1 The Sopranos Don't Stop Believin'

This finale of the Sopranos was one of the most brilliant endings in history. Didn't you yell at the holder of the remote in your house? What did you doooooo? Did the power go out? Love it or hate it, people are STILL talking about this...and that means great TV.


And don't worry, we've got plenty to look forward to in January of 2008 alone. Lost returns (I haven't missed castaways this much since Gilligan's Island went off the air). Celebrities go toe to toe on The Apprentice. I'm sorry, I meant "celebrities". And BOTH Sex and the City wannabe's, Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle are coming.

Happy New Year!!!!!

Putting their Eggs in Trump's Basket

For a second you probably thought Rosie and the Donald were having a love child. Now THERE'S a reality show in the making! But no, that's not what we're talking about here.

These are desperate times...at the networks. As the strike roars on, the original programs are almost all gone. So, NBC isn't screwing around. They long for the days when Seinfeld and Friends ruled the roost instead of clinging to Howie Mandel as their ticket out of bad-ratings-ville, but, let's face it, reality shows are now their bread and butter (this means you Biggest Loser!).

Actually, maybe bread and butter is the wrong metaphor here, but you get the gist.

Scrappy NBC announced Celebrity Apprentice was set to debut Jan 10th, so ABC thew up their last new Grey's Anatomy episode against it to well, excuse the phrase, cock block NBC.

Within hours, NBC moved up Celebrity Apprentice to January 3rd so their competition would be repeats. I love this! Good old fashioned network wars. In fact, by the time you read this, the schedule could've changed AGAIN. Whatcha gonna doooooooo, Donald, cry??!?!?!

In this corner, the Peacock. In the other corner, a Mouse.

Who is YOUR money on?

Teen Pregnancy is Having the Best Week Ever!

Ok, so I don't actually work for VH1, but the show is not on this week, and I feel compelled to carry on the torch.

Teen pregnancy is like, totally in y'all - so daddys, you bettah lock up your daughters cuz gettin' knocked up is all the rage.

First, JUNO is suddenly the film to see. This movie, about - you guessed it- teen pregnancy is already getting a zillion award nominations. People are TALKING about it, but that's nothing compared to....

Jamie Lynn Spears?!

So, um, yeah, Nickelodeon is in a bit of a PICKLE as to what to do about promoting new episodes of her squeaky clean show, Zoey 101. But, lest you worry about what Jamie will do for cash if Zoey is no more, no problem, y'all! OK! Magazine is gonna pony up a cool million for baby pix.

And on a totally RANDOM note, Blair from The Facts of Life has apparently weighed in on the subject, supporting Jamie Lynn's 'choices'. I have to admit, I wanna know how this goes. Is there a special media hotline for ex-stars? Who do they call to issue these statements?! Can I call this number?

Whatever. Anyway, this totally would never have happened to Tootie.

Sobering Reality

I'm having withdrawls. I need Scott Baio is 45...and Single to start soon.

I was hoping to get you (or at least, me) a sneak peek at season 2 because I think it's important to start building the excitement for season 2 NOW. Our dear Scotty just had a baby...let the hijinks ensue!

So many burning questions about season 2 - Will it be called Scott Baio is 46...and not really single? Will Renee still have that creepy haircut? Will Erin Moran be his nanny?

Well, no previews for you yet, but I thought you'd enjoy this little ditty - a clip from a 1980 afterschool special called "The Boy Who Drank Too Much".

There are so many things I love about this clip.

First, I love that the alcohol counselor could totally be played by Matthew McConaughey.

I love the girl over Lance Kerwin's left shoulder who is totally overacting behind him and desperately trying to emote and make this her big break as Lance delivers his speech.

I love that the name of Scott Baio's character in this is "Buff Saunders". Surprisingly, this NAME is the closest he's come to porn...well, unless they were rolling at the Playboy Mansion.

I love that Scott Baio's shirt is unbuttoned so far down it looks like he is auditioning for American Gigolo, which coincidentally came out the same year.

Cheers!


Unfortunately for Lance Kerwin, his tv career allegedly ended after...well...he drank too much.

McCarthyism

Andrew McCarthy is coming to TV.

Actually, turns out, he's been there for awhile. Imagine my surprise when I found out he's going to be on the upcoming "Lipstick Jungle" since I'd already seen the promo for it and didn't notice him. Has he gone the way of Jennifer Grey? Do you REMEMBER when she was on Friends as Mindy, Rachel's old friend and no one realized it was her because of that botched nose job? That's what I think might be happening with Andrew. He's been quietly on a bunch of shows and movies of the week-ish looking things over the years, apparently, and I missed them all. Hmmm. I smell a Nip/Tuck cameo, if ya know what I mean. Maybe it's just me, but that is NOT the same face of the brat pack boy I knew.

Which brings me to my next issue with the marketing of Andrew McCarthy 2.0. Whatever network exec is sending out the press release for this show is listing him as Andrew McCarthy from the "Joy Luck Club". When you think of Andrew McCarthy, do you think of the JOY LUCK CLUB???!

You might think, "His name is Blaine? That's a major appliance, not a name!"
You might think, chain smoking and breaking the shower with Ally Sheedy.
And, let's face it, you definitely think, "Weekend at Bernies".

But NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE is associating ANDREW MCCARTHY with Joy Luck Club. NO ONE I tell you!

Anyway, you be the judge. This show isn't coming out for awhile yet, but here's a peek at all-growed-up Andrew McCarthy. He's the one with that annoying girl that was married to Steve on 90210:


He did totally rock in Mannequin.

Knocked Up

Two little curveballs have been thrown my way this week regarding the paternity of a child.

Or have they?

Relax, I'm not on Maury, and I ain't talkin' 'bout no baby daddy of mine. I AM however, talking about two shows: October Road & Brothers and Sisters.

*SPOILERS*

First, Ken Olin appeared at the end of Brothers and Sisters this week. If you don't remember, he and Patricia Wettig (who plays Holli Harper) starred together on "Thirtysomething". His brief scene, where he drops in on Holli at her office featured a seemingly OBVIOUS moment where he sees Rebecca's picture and Holli seems to OBVIOUSLY brush off his inquiry about the OBVIOUSLY placed GIANT pic of Rebecca. Isn't it OBVIOUS? That Rebecca's dad is really Michael Steadman? (Sorry, that was a little inside for you boomer Thirtysomething fans.) So, what I mean is, Ken Olin is OBVIOUSLY her dad, right? Or is he? I venture to say that we'll all be kept wondering about this for awhile. I love a good red herring. Yum.

Meanwhile, over on October Road, we've been teased for a few weeks with Eddie Latekka's seemingly BIG SECRET in the ads. "We gotta tell him". "I have something to tell you and you aren't gonna like it". Whatever the BIG SECRET is, the tv people sure want us to think it's something huge. Is Nick Garrett really Sam's father? They've made it SEEM like that all season. OR, in a shocking plot twist, do they want us to think Eddie Latekka's the dad? And who exactly is the "THEY" that will be writing all this stuff given the strike??!

I digress.

I don't know who Rebecca's dad is. I don't know who Sam's dad is. But one thing I DO know is that babies sure are a groovy plot device. Remember how shocked you were when Rachel on Friends turned out to be the preggers one?

Listen, as long as there are movies and television, there will be plots spun around babies. Fake babies, kidnapped babies, lost babies, wanting a baby...but let's be honest, it's those mysterious baby daddies that always get us.

This means YOU, Darth Vader.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Pop culture has yielded a whole lotta slang words and phrases, and many of them have come out of TV. The other day, I got to thinking, how DO these things catch on? Sometimes, it's unexpected (How YOU doin'?), sometimes it's just so DAMN funny it's destined to enter the lexicon (Stop looking at my VA JAY JAY!), and sometimes, well, sometimes a
BRO-MANCE is just a bro-mance.

But I wanna scream "Where's the beef?" when writers/celebs try to force these things at us, hoping it'll become the next "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?"

On Oprah the other day, she did (shocker) a show on weight loss. On this show, she decided to deem these women "She-ro's". Get it? They are WOMEN and they are HEROES so they are SHE-RO's. What's worse is that she kept reminding us that this is now like, a thing, on Oprah. Heroic women are now called She-ro's. I'm not sure putting down that hoagie warrants heroism (some smaller pants, maybe), but all I know is I haven't found a made up word this annoying since Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw exclaimed that everyone's got S.S.B.

Oh, sorry...that's Secret Single Behavior for you amateurs. D'oh!

Oprah, you're so good at so many things - getting people to buy books, getting presidents elected... but let's face it, you're not getting new words into Webster's. Cross it off your to-do list.

Can you please instead focus your energy on something IMPORTANT?
If you could resurrect SNIGLETS, well that would be legen - Wait for it - dary.

What the (Whole Wide) World Needs Now, is Love, Sweet Love

Some thoughts on the finale of my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor:

*Spoilers*

I can't say I blame Brad for dumping Jenni. I'm sorry, anyone who uses the phrase "the whole wide world" after age eight (as in, verbatim: "if Brad were to get down on one knee and propose to me, I'd be the happiest girl in the whole wide world" and "this is like, one of the worst feelings in the whole wide world) should not be getting married. To anyone.

And I am SURE she dots the "i" in Jenni with a heart.

As for Brad not picking EITHER of the two final girls, well, at least it's better than the usual fakery we endure before the eventual breakup statement is issued. Regardless, the producers went into spin mode immediately on the "After the Final Rose" followup special and trotted out Trista, Ryan and their new baby to show how successful the show is. That's one marriage in 11 seasons. Not sure I'd be psyched if a doctor told me I had a 1 in 11 chance to live.

I'm just saying.

Award for Best Use of Hyperbole: Chris Harrison to the Bachelor: "Everyone in America has a thousand questions for you".

What's up, Doc?

I've spent so much time watching medical shows over the years that I could probably get a job as a...well, candy striper, at least. I know ER has been around for 100 seasons but, I'm telling you, just because at this age they might wanna shift from the ER to the geriatics ward doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it!

There's one reason to watch right now: Maura Tierney.

*Spoilers*

Maura's (MARRIED) character Abby Lockhart has hit the bottle again and this week's episode featured her hitting rock bottom. After too many cocktails, Abby winds up in bed with Stanley Tucci's Dr. Moretti. I mean, after her performace, I felt like I was the one who had gone on a bender and (accidentally when I was drunk) cheated on my husband with Stanley Tucci. Luka is back next week, so it's gonna be good. Add it to your list of (relationshippy-posing-as) medical shows, if you have one. We'll have to forgive ER for stealing the same storyline that Grey's started last season (on Grey's, George fails his boards, now we got that annoying Morris character on ER failing his boards).

Meanwhile, Grey's is bound to pick up now that it's sweeps (strike notwithstanding). It's meandering along, but the Derek/Meredith heat of yesterday has become ho-hum. I'm hanging in, but please give Patrick Dempsey something to do! By the way, did you know Patrick Dempsey was a finalist once upon a time for House (speaking of medical shows)? I digress...the danger of watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Patrick Dempsey while trying to post.

Private Practice isn't so bad. It's basically Grey's Anatomy Lite. You're not going to a high off it, but it ain't gonna hurt you, either.

So I don't watch House OR Scrubs. Sue me for malpractice. All I'm saying is, check out (actually, check INTO) ER. See how Abby is operating in a most disturbing (but fun for us to watch!) way:

Writer...blocked!

I've missed you all. Hopefully, you've missed me.

I'm here to tell you something you may already know: Timewarner Cable is the devil (guess I've kissed any future jobs there goodbye...oops).

For the past two weeks (!) I've had to deal with intermittent non-functioning cable and internet (thus my disappearing act). I know this seems not possible, but it's true. Last night, I was filled with glee hearing that it was (finally) fixed. I burst through the door knowing that I would not have to endure any more silence (the absence of white noise was killing me). So I put on the tv...and...everything's in SPANISH. I couldn't really make this stuff up. Muy mal.

Anyhoo, it's finally fixed, which is good for them because I was about to go all Michael Moore on their ass.

Well, I'm back up and ready to blog away, hungry for the coming holiday...no, not that one, though I do love me some turkey. It's time for SWEEPS!!!!! My favorite time of year! I have so much to catch up on, but now, with the writer's strike, who knows what we'll be seeing.

I can tell you that the previously planned November debut of Cashmere Mafia is already officially on hold so that ABC can launch (hopefully) in the new year. Oh, and by the way, October Road is also supposed to come back with a 2nd season debut end of November (is it just me or should they have debuted, well, in OCTOBER?). I haven't heard of it being impacted...yet.

I know it's hard, kids, what with our favorite shows in jeopardy and all, but we must support the strike. Writers deserve their proper piece of the pie, too, ya know....because without their words, frankly, there's nothing left to say.

Actually, the sun will NOT come out tomorrow...

So, in honor of Halloween, I thought I'd dig you up a spooky treat.
Nope, not where to find the latest marathon of "Omen" movies, or "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".

Tune in to Showtime to see "Life After Tomorrow".

This actually aired last year, but it's been, well, resurrected...and it's kinda scary. How you ask?

It's forty women all unified by the fact that nothing in their lives has ever compared to performing in Annie at age ten(ish). Now THAT's scary.

Add into the mix an interview with some old dude who shows off his massive collection of Annie memorabilia and then proclaims that, um, he's not a pedofile, by the way. He just thinks Annie stuff is super cool. So there. Scarier?

Actually, the doc is pretty fascinating, and kinda sad. It's a cautionary tale that draws you in much the way we've all seen (and watched in a can't help it sort of way) so many child stars fall by the wayside.

Of course, there are exceptions to this large group of contend-ah's. I'll betcha they used as much of the Sarah Jessica Parker interview (clearly their ace in the credibility hole) as they could possibly throw in. And even SJP is wistful for the days of her former hard knock life.

Here's a little sample. And I'd like to nominate the whole group for the Norma Desmond Hall of Fame awards....

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Once in a Lifetime

There are those certain movies that, when they pop up on TV, you can't turn them off. It doesn't matter how many MILLIONS of times you've seen them (or even if they are necessarily good), you still can't change the channel. Rocky (1-4). Cocktail. ANY John Hughes movie.

And then there's Pretty Woman.

Most gals I know can pretty much recite that movie by heart. And, in fact, no matter that in my case, the DVD might be literally sitting NEXT TO the TV. I can't change the channel. It's the same logic that keeps me watching Sex and the City re-runs night after night. (Those DVD's are also in close proximity to my TV.)

HOWEVER..this does not lessen the fury I feel at Lifetime for the shocking editing decision they made in THEIR airing of Pretty Woman. I get it. I know the TV-version of movies gets dubbed or cuts are made for time. But let's keep it real, folks, and put some thought into these choices.

In their infinite wisdom, they cut into arguably the most iconic scene in the movie (and so beloved by fans): the Julia Roberts shopping scene. I don't have to tell you that Richard Gere marching Julia Roberts into the store to make up for her horrid day of being unable to shop (!) is a great moment. But, the folks at Lifetime decided this was not important, apparently. In THEIR version, after Gere hears she had a rough time shopping, they cut right to the montage of Roberts trying on clothes. No hilarious Larry Miller sucking up. No Julia Roberts spitting gum on the sidewalk. Just Roy Orbison-themed clothing shots.

What's next? Will they buy Rocky 2 and cut out Apollo and Rocky climbing the ropes to the finish? Chop out Molly Ringwald getting the guy in Sixteen Candles?

I just can't take this kind of cinematic blasphemy lying down, so, here's the scene as it SHOULD have aired. Oh, and Lifetime folks, do me a favor, please don't colorize my black and white movies, either.

Somewhere in Time

On Sunday evening, as I was finishing some very un-fun financial stuff, I was doing my usual 11th hour quest for last minute info and was in dire need of some old billing statements. When I finally got a customer service rep on the phone, I was told that older statements could not be accessed because they are kept elsewhere on...microfiche.

Microfiche?!

Remember microfiche? I was, understandably, confused. Had I been on hold so long that I'd fallen down some rabbit hole and into 1984? Had I called customer service from a rotary phone? Remember going to the library to do a report and having to access microfiche? Now, that's not to confuse MICROFICHE with MICROFILM, which incidentally seems to be a very important plot point in alot of 80's soap operas and spy movies.

Anyway, I have not accessed the microfiche OR microfilm of my elusive financial records. However, it did put me in a nostalgic mood. And for those of you who want to travel back with me, you should really check out www.tvland.com.

TV Land has just added all kinds of fun stuff. You can procrastinate for hours! Full episodes of Leave it to Beaver (including the pilot with a different Wally and Ward!) and countless video clips can keep you entertained for as long as you need to avoid any real work. Click on the link below to see a classic Cheers moment from 20 years ago. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy that tv dinner.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid187784359/bclid230403154/bctid313013547

J on the down Lo

I love those big pop culture moments, the ones that take place on late night talk and get you running to the water cooler the next day.

There's the vintage: Drew Barrymore flashing Letterman....Hugh Grant gets caught with a hooker and tells all on Jay Leno ("What the hell were you thinking?").

There's the recent: David Letterman grilling Paris Hilton about prison (just kill me now that I am, again, mentioning Paris Hilton).

And then there's now.

When I heard that Jennifer Lopez was going to be on Letterman, I thought, "She's going to announce she is preggers! Finally!" But, sadly, I was robbed. She and Dave did do the subtle baby dance discussion, but in the end...it was nuthin'.

I hate being wrong.

Well, announcing a pregnancy on Letterman didn't really work out so well for Britney, so, maybe Jenny from the Block was worried about a jinx. Or maybe she's not even pregnant.

None of this is really my problem. The real problem is...NOW what am I gonna talk about at the water cooler???

I miss Bennifer.

Adding Insult to Injury

It's my fault. I knew you were all wrong for me but I keep coming back for more. It's just that I want to find true love.

But damn you Bachelor, you are a dirty dog and you keep lying to me!

Monday night's episode was especially ridiculous. The "accident" that they'd been gleefully touting in the trailers was some poor OLD girl (she's 30!) who slipped on the stairs. Some producer is totally fired because there were no shots of said fall. Then, because The Bachelor was on a Group Date, the producers had to make sure Bachelor boy was in the loop. So, instead of having some dramatic producer on-camera intervention (remember the good old days on the Real World when they would do something like that when someone was an alcoholic or an abuser?), they created a faux call...I mean a phone call.

Clocking in at 16 seconds, the transcript went like this:
Ring!
This is Brad.
Are you kidding?
I just want you to be ok
I'll be thinking about you tonight and I hope you're ok
Alright, bye.

The staged phone call did not lead to the group of girls with the Bachelor rushing to see Injured Gal, or even asking if she was ok...they were instead wondering aloud: How did she get your phone number? If she has a concussion how is she calling you?

After virtually no contemplation of this 'crisis', one enterprising chick seized the opportunity to move on from this seconds long diversion to get more alone time with Brad the Bachelor. Later, alone time turned out to be NOT a friend to Michele the Injured Gal.

Michele returns a few scenes later with a fleeting reference to her injury. No tearful reunions, no bedside confessions...she's just back and one gal expresses sadness on her behalf that Michele can't participate in all the bikini wearing date stuff [my words, but that's the gist].

We never do find out much about what DID happen to Michele, but when she finally gets her one-on-one time with the Bachelor, she babbles about being so old (again 30) and saying how she's not rushing to have a baby. He then of course rewards her by not giving her a rose and she cries about it.

Michele, don't be sad that Brad didn't want to see you again. Smash that head of yours back down the stairs once more so it knocks some sense into you.

Mr. Big (s)

This past week, ABC rolled out both Dirty Sexy Money AND Big Shots, both [not to oversimplifiy it] about rich guys. But, Big Shots is about much HOTTER rich guys, and is much campier, escapist fare. Dirty Sexy Money is pretty campy, too, but it feels like it might *try* to be more serious. My problem with it though is that the characters were such cliches...I mean that kid that played Jeremy Darling, the drug addict rich kid? He was SO some kind of sad Less than Zero parody. I'm going to give it a [big] shot, though, probably because I'm brainwashed by ABC's PR machine. They seem to have more of THEIR dirty sexy money behind this one. You can already go to their site and see a full episode, and at least here in NYC, the billboards are EVERYWHERE.

Regardless, Big Shots just got me right away. True, it's just the male Desperate Housewives, but it's pure sug-ah, especially with the one two punch of Dylan McDermott AND Michael Vartan, who both look like they've stepped out of a Bruce Weber ad. The dialogue is snappy and fun, and I can't wait to see what happens next week on this soapy soap.

Moving around the dial, I also checked out Life. I'm kind of into it, though I was absolutely annoyed to the point of distraction by the shooting style of the inserted "documentary" pieces that are used as a storytelling device. If you're not familiar, this is NBC's offering about a wrongly accused cop who goes to jail for murder, then is freed years later with a gazillion dollar settlement and becomes a cop again. It's worth a second look.

And, not to leave the gals out, I also gave Bionic Woman a chance. Also heavily hyped, I wanted to like it even though it's not my typical fare. I couldn't get into it, and frankly wasn't really sure what was going on half the time. But, the plot went something like this [I think]: girl gets in car accident that may or may not really be an accident with boyfriend and is brought to some Lost-ish medical facility where she gets all of her bionic parts. Then we find out her boyfriend is in on it, the people there want her to fight crime, or commit crime...I'm not really sure. Then some other bionic dissenter wants to kill her and/or her boyfriend who may or may not also be a criminal. Mostly, all of these people seemed to very baaaaaaad people. I think.

Oh, and Miguel Ferrer, aka George Clooney's cousin, is in it. Don't ask me why I know this.

Oh Deer

*Grey's Anatomy Spoilers*

I am worried.

I love Grey's Anatomy. I love it for the palpable angst that used to be present every time Derek, Meredith and Addison rode an elevator. But now, Addison rides talking elevators in another hospital. Oh, wait, they took that stupid element out of "Private Practice"....but either way she's gone.

Anyway, at the heart of any great drama, we really need the 'will they or won't they make it' of the core couple, in this case, Meredith and Derek. But the writers got them together too quick, then panicked and now I'm so confused why they 'broke up' in the first place. So I spent most of the first episode trying to remember if/why they broke up. I still can't really say, but I guess it has something to do with Meredith's inability to be normal. Or something.

Further bumming me out is the introduction of the new interns and Meredith's sister. I really hope all of these generic new characters aren't a permanent fixture, and yes that includes Meredith's sister. Maybe like Meredith said in her VO...I just don't like change.

But, worst of all is that the writers [I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Grey's writers, please don't hold this against me someday when I beg you for a job] spent the whole first episode trying soooo hard to write quippy dialogue and overblown inspiring monologues that they forgot to deal with the heart of the matter. And, I'm sorry, that Izzy saving a deer storyline? Did I miss it? When the deer jumped up did it ACTUALLY jump over a shark?

Sigh. I don't wanna hate on Grey's. I just miss the angst. Previews for next week do hold out hope for me with the Izzy/George/Callie triangle.

And, it's not ALL bad. I did really enjoy Mark Sloan's doe-eyed man-love speech to Derek.

That made me feel like Grey's Anatomy has still got some game.

Letterman's Ladies

It's been said that back in the old days, young comedians appearing for the first time on Johnny Carson would hope and pray that they'd get invited to sit on the couch after their stand-up routine. A simple nod from Johnny was considered approval and could change careers.

These days, I've noticed another barometer of success on late night TV when it comes to Carson disciple David Letterman. I'm not sure this changes careers, or has an impact on anyone other than JUST ME, but now, maybe you will play this little game along with me when you watch.

I am of the opinion that when it comes to his female guests, it's very simple to determine if Dave likes you or not. If Dave likes you, then the interview is capped off with a kiss to the hand.

I've gotten good at this. I can usually guess as I watch how it's going to go. On Tuesday night, Kate Walsh came on to promote Private Practice, but because she yammered away on a rehearsed story about her wedding, Dave really didn't get to engage with her. A little research showed me that this is exactly what happened last time (only the story was about a contractor, not her wedding). So, I knew it was coming...the hand kiss snub. Sorry Kate, Dave's just not that into you.

But, surprisingly, he seems to have a soft spot for the wild gals, the troubled kids. Lindsay? Always gonna get a kiss. Drew Barrymore's a legend there, but, that might be because of her infamous flashing incident. Even Paris Hilton. PARIS HILTON! She's so annoying and yet, Dave kind of digs it cuz it gives him something to play off of.

But don't take my word for it. Compare Kate Walsh's interview from last night and the pre-prison interview of Paris from earlier this year [I forgive you in advance if you cannot sit through nine minutes of Paris Hilton to help me prove my point].

Paris is also going to be on this Friday from an appearance taped earlier in the week. Rumor has it she was really pissed that Dave gave her such a hard time...but to my ears that sounds like an interview worthy of a hand kiss to me!

A Rose by any other Name

I zipped through The Bachelor last night and when I say I zipped, I mean...thank GOD for DVR...but more about that later.

This is literally like the 100th season, and I'm not sure how it's still on the air, but there are some elements that SEEM to be a constant...I believe I've identified the top 5:

5. The girl that gets smashed and makes a fool out of herself.
4. The subsequent meltdown over getting eliminated, natch.
3. The Bachelor's repeated assurances in VO that he WILL find his wife.
2. CATFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the #1 Bachelor tool? I mean device, I wasn't calling this new Bachelor guy a tool...ok, maybe I was...

1. The teaser that gives us a glimpse of a DRAMATIC accident...complete with ambulance and/or police cruisers.

How many seasons can this happen? Are we supposed to actually believe it? Desperate for ratings, I suspect a producer probably kicked one of those girls down the stairs.

Anyhoo...this season, it does seem a bit different the way these gals spend all of episode one performing nothing less than circus tricks to get the attention of the Bachelor. One girl actually showed off her WEBBED toes. I'm not sure why she did this, but they should've put THAT in the ads! Then we'd all get along..um, swimmingly.

Over on Dancing with the Stars...some shows are DESIGNED FOR DVR. This is one of them. I really just wanted to see the "Where are they now?" backstories of the contestants...and in an hour and a half they only got through half the contestants as it was only the women. I got through the whole show (thank you DVR!) in about 10 minutes. Jane Seymour signed some sort of deal with the devil to look that good at 56.

There's ANOTHER hour and a half episode tonight, but I don't think I can watch.

They didn't lure me with any ambulances....

Must See Monday

After all of these weeks of suffering, Premiere Week is finally here. Thank God. I almost had to start reading.

First up, ABC's dishing up some serious reality tv. Dancing with the Stars is on at 8pm. I just can't commit this season. Too many hours! There's the show, then the recap of the show, then the recap of the recap...my DVR just cannot accommodate it all. I mean, of course I'll peak at it. Gotta see what the latest 90210-er is up to, how Scary Spice fares...but of course the REAL reason I'll tune in a little is to see...Albert Reed.

I mean I'll tune in to see WHO Albert Reed is. Maybe the title should be "Dancing With SOME Stars".

If you're not too cha cha'd out, you can watch the 87th season of The Bachelor at 9:30pm. This season, it appears they've drafted a college dropout/bar owner as The Bachelor. Remember when they'd at least pretend to make the guy seem rich and important? Note to the producers: Bring back The Bachelorette! Your target audience is desperate single 30-something women, and they (ok, we) don't want to see some guy choose some 22-year old drunk idiot to be his "wife".

But... we totally wanna see a bunch of hot guys competing and live vicariously through the gal that gets to choose him.

Enough with the reality wasteland. Just make sure you watch "How I Met Your Mother" at 8pm on CBS. If you weren't already watching the last 2 seasons, you were missing out. It is - wait for it - awesome.

I See Dead People

I have always been obsessed with the dead people montage at awards shows for several reasons, and Sunday night's Emmy telecast was no exception. The first reason for my obsession is, there's always that "Oh my God, he died?!" factor, as in...that kid from the Jefferson's died? Larry Bud Melman just died this year? Tom Poston died? Lily Munster died????

The other oddity of the dead people montage is that it's this bizarro posthumous popularity contest, so it's always morbidly interesting to see who the producers decide is the corpse with the most cache. This year, Merv Griffin was deemed dearest departed...no big surprise he was saved for last. But, isn't it weeeeeeeeeeird the way some of the dead people get more applause than others, or that many don't get applause at all? And why is the audience clapping?! These people are dead! Sit there and feel BAD like you are supposed to!

This year, there was some added weirdness. First, the fact that the dead people montage came right out of Sally Field's censored [over-rehearsed] speech left us still grappling with a "What's going on?" feeling, as in, why are they cutting to that non-descript dark wide shot of nothing to cover up whatever they are censoring? Is "Don't Stop Believin'" gonna come on now? Is David Chase involved?

So I was a little discombobulated that there was no classy "Here's the people that died" intro and had to readjust my concentration when the "In Memoriam" hit the screen next. Luckily, the super duper smart producers put up a nice sky with clouds graphic behind all of the dead people so you'd know they were dead people and that they were, I assume, in heaven.

The other oddity of the night was that early on, there was a montage of late night talk show one-liners, and then all of a sudden it morphed from funny to all of the late nighters talking about how sad they were Tom Snyder died. But, Tom Snyder ALSO got billing in the Dead People Montage.

Does that mean that Tom Snyder aced out Merv Griffin for Best Dead Person Emmy after all?

Boob Tube

Just as I'd prayed for in my February 24th posting, Sherri Shepherd has joined The View, and frankly, not a moment too soon. So far, the addition of Whoopi Goldberg has yielded a discussion on how she doesn't like to wear a bra, followed by an entire segment about finding Whoopi a bra.

If this is what the future of The View looks like, I'm thinking the picture is not too ROSIE. Sherri's got some sass though, and I am hopeful she's going to spice things up.

Meanwhile, over at The Today Show, that fourth hour is everything I feared. It's just fluff fluff fluff. Literally. One of today's highlights in journalisim featured a lengthy segment on curly hair vs. straight hair. Seriously? I smell Emmy!
At least Matt Lauer has the good judgment to hightail it outta there before that hour begins lest he be dragged into that embarrassing coffee klatch.

Gimme a Break

Britney, Britney, Britney. Unless you've been under a rock, or worse...don't care about pop culture...you've heard by now all the hype leading up to Britney's "comeback" performance of her new single "Gimme More" at the MTV VMA's. Such a great opportunity for her to turn the beat around...so to speak.

Sadly, the girl that showed up Sunday night looked like she was miming her way through a rehearsal, save for the skimpy clothes that showed off her desperately makeup-airbrushed body which is suffering from severe Cheeto's abuse. Also, couldn't this gazillionaire afford to cover up her underarm stubble?

For weeks we've heard that she was collaborating with Criss Angel, which led me to believe she'd at least appear from a puff of smoke or something??! Perhaps his magic trick was getting her to channel Milli Vanilli?

If I were her advisor (and, let's face it, thank GOD I'm not), that girl would've popped magically out of somewhere in her REAL hair. C'mon it's gotta be as long as her idol Madonna's in 'Open Your Heart'! Natalie Portman and Mena Suvari have rocked some serious head shaving and made it cool. It's time for some serious re-invention, not this weird aging sad copy of her old self.

Still trying to figure out the Criss Angel connection....wait, I got it! I just realized that Britney DID collaborate with Criss Angel on this performance. Just like magic, her career just disappeared!!

Food for Thought

When are we gonna beeeeeeeeee there? Labor Day is over, and now we're in that odd pre-fall season no-man's land of nothing to watch for a few more weeks.

Don't worry little campers, I'll help you find something to pass the time. I'm not gonna force you to get outside and enjoy the waning nice weather.

First off, Tuesday night boasts a special "The Biggest Loser". While the premiere episode of the new season doesn't start till Sept 11th, you can at least check out a 'Where are they now?' update show. So, if you're a skinny optimist, you can watch and hope all those contestants have stayed svelte. Or, if you're a porky pessimist, you can feel better about yourself knowing that they couldn't keep it off, either. See, don't you feel better already about that 2nd burger you had at the Labor Day BBQ?

Tuesday is also Whoopi's first day on The View. Her first guest is Danny DeVito. No word on whether Whoopi has a new "get hammered with the guests" segment...but that sure would be fun!

Finally, Wednesday, Matt Lauer and Larry King are both claiming EXCLUSIVE interviews with Bill Clinton. I guess we should watch both cuz he's hawking his new book to show us how to change the world...um, that's kind of a lot of pressure but, ok.

Anyhoo, we'll get through these next 20 days together, somehow...1 show at a time. In the meantime, just sleep soundly knowing Scott Baio is 45...and Single Season 2 is already in production....

Tomorrow on TODAY...

This has been bothering me for awhile now. Years in fact. And now it's time to let it ruin YOUR Today Show viewing experience, too.

Unless it's...JUST ME.

Always a bridesmaid Ann Curry often steps up to be co-anchor when Meredith is away...the same way she did when Katie was away. How come EVERY FREAKING TIME, Matt Lauer is clearly contractually obligated to qualify her as "sitting in for Meredith..." on the half hour. WE GET IT!!!! We don't need an overview of The Today Show org chart at 30 minute intervals. Plus, it's sort of painful to watch it get rubbed in Ann's face that SHE IS NOT THE REAL CO-HOST on a regular basis. The madness doesn't stop there. When Ann fills in for Meredith, then we have to hear Ann say who is filling in for her at the News Desk every half hour too, lest we think she has vacated her seat permanently....and so on and so on and so on.

I don't care what your job description is, just cue up the next makeover/splurge vs. steal segment and get on with it! The show wouldn't need to be 4 hours long if you didn't eat up all the time with this nonsense!

I still heart Matt Lauer.

Oh Bai-bio

*Spoiler Alert*

So the worst secret in reality tv was revealed on the finale of "Scott Baio is 45...and Single" on Sunday night. He and girlfriend Renee are having a baby.

This show came out of the gate strong, and has been good but could've been great. And yup, I can't stop watchin' the Chach, which is why I'll be shocked if there is not another season chronicling Scott: the new dad and newlywed. I anxiously await that announcement, or else I'll go produce it myself, cuz it's sooooooo watchable!

Now, here's what detracts from the show being great:

-I didn't really need forty seven thousand not so subtle Sidekick product placements throughout the finale. All the text messages that Scott got flaunting the voice technology of his new phone and his Huey Lewis ring was so distracting and irritating it made me long for the days when the only time a song would come on at random like that was when the Fonz would hit a jukebox.

-Jason Hervey, aka Wayne Arnold from the Wonder Years. He is an Exec Producer, yet we dumb viewers are expected to believe every time Scott tells him some new aspect of his life coaching, we have to pretend we don't know he's orchestrating the whole thing. In the finale, the whole over-compensating scene with Jason feigning surprise at the "graduation" date and inability to attend was just so fake!

-File under creepy. Ok, this might actually be a pro, not a con, cuz once again it's a car accident I can't turn away from but Renee and Julie McCullough together? Two identical Stepford Barbie dolls. Ick. Scott has such a weird, predictable fetish.

...But, at the end of the day, what makes this show so great is Scott's total in-on-the-joke awareness and self-deprecating manner. Even though I don't really believe a lot of what I'm seeing, they sell it pretty well. What makes you sucked in is the genuine (seeming) candor Scott speaks with. When Jason suggested Scott go see his cousin, attorney Laura Wasser, because she's the lawyer all the big celebrities use, you gotta love Scott for his quick retort: "If I become a big celebrity again, I'll get her" . And his outburst "I wanna be 30!" is just so real. C'mon, as we get older, we all long once in awhile for our glory days. I'm sucked in, like it or not.

And hey, imagine this: if it's not real, then he actually is a hell of an actor...which is pretty damn ironic isn't it?!!!

Wah, Wah, Wah!

NO STARS

Chalking it up to a necessary evil as part of my research as a tv anthropologist, I watched the 2nd episode of the new Star Jones talk show. This airs on Court TV, which is soon to be called Tru TV, but it should be called Lies TV cuz that's what I got.

I was sorry I missed the premiere, because I did want to see Isaiah Washington discuss (AGAIN!) all the injustice in the world that caused his firing from Grey's Anatomy. So, I was excited that at the top of the show on day 2, Star promised more from the Isaiah interview. She continued to tease the interview throughout the episode, but then never showed the footage. She then in the final seconds made no apologies, no "we ran out of time"...just gave a lame "we'll show it tomorrow" shrug of the shoulders and that was that. I'm not going to talk about how the whole thing had the production value of cable access, or how she's ripped off The View by copying the Hot Topics segment and thrown together a random (badly dressed) panel to mimic The View cross-talk.

No need to mention that one of panelists on The View ripoff was Paula Froelich from PAGE SIX of the NY Post. Isn't Star Jones' alleged sham of a marriage and general bitchy behavior routine fodder for the tabs? Seems odd this chick is her friend...or maybe Star keeps her name out of the papers by giving Paula a job. Hmm, sounds just like a politician.

Did I also mention she named the hot topics thing SHE TV, and the SHE was an acronym for something Star realllllly wants you to remember because they kept up the helpful graphic for like 40 minutes, like there'd be a quiz later, after the Isaiah interview? Good thing there was no interview with Isaiah, cuz I would've failed the quiz. I already forgot what SHE stood for. Stupid Horrifying Egomaniac maybe?

All of that doesn't even matter because the bigger issue is that this show has as much focus as Lindsay Lohan after an 8-ball.
Jam packed into the hour (not including of course the fake teases to the Isaiah interview) were alllllll of these random topics:

Whether Hillary Clinton should be judged by her wardrobe
Dating your friend's man: Ok or not Ok?
Leona Helmsley's life and death
Celebrity sex tapes (including an interview with Screech from Saved by the Bell)
A soldier who got someone to shoot him so he didn't have to go back to Iraq
Gratuitous footage of Star ringing the opening bell at the NASDAQ
"An Open Letter" segment where Star bitches about something, this one was about the economy and disappearing U.S. jobs

The Kitchen sink didn't make it into this show, but I assume it must've on day 3.

Oh yeah, and I also won't mention that it's probably not a good sign if on DAY TWO the biggest celeb your booker can get you is SCREECH from Saved by the Bell!!!!

Wardrobe Malfunction

Oh dear. As if NBC doesn't have enough problems, early peeks at Lipstick Jungle's promos reveal that they are in need of a new wardrobe stylist, stat! The Sex and the City wannabe (there are so many this season) boasts Brooke Shields arguably as its biggest name. Not to discount Kim Raver from 24, or that girl (Lindsay Price) that played Steve's baby mama on 90210, but let's be honest, Brooke is a legend.

So why are they dressing her like a man...no, worse, like a woman in 1998????

Everything I've seen thus far has shown her in boxy man-suits that aren't sexy at all, but worse, these promo stills have her in [needle off the record]....LEATHER PANTS!!! This is a travesty even worse than the animal print shoes they all have on that are practically special ordered from the "slutty cliche wardrobe" section at Central Casting.

I don't mean to make it "Pick on NBC" week. After all, I think getting Jerry Seinfeld to guest star on the season premiere of 30 Rock is like, the best thing ever. Now if only I didn't have to wait till October.

Yadda yadda yadda...

Only the Good Die Young

In my continuing quest to quench my thirst for some good chick tv, I finally watched the remaining (unaired) episodes of Six Degrees on-line. I realize I am possibly one of the only viewers (well, besides the cast & crew's parents maybe), but I think this show got pulled too soon. Most maddening was the fact that the last episode left so many plot points unresolved...presumably, forever. In the final scene, Peter Horton turns up as a handsome stranger next to ice-queen Bridget Moynahan's Whitney. He's a symbol of hope and even though it's literally seconds, we can think that he might've even been the next love interest.

I love me that Peter Horton from Thirtysomething! I would've liked to see that. Guess he's busy these days producing and directing little shows like Grey's Anatomy. Heard of it?

Call me a purist, but I like my chick flick shows to be wrapped up in a nice little bow: just give me my wedding (or funeral) scene and call it a day.

Then of course there's Felicity. This show had a 'fake' pseudo-finale when the characters graduated, then the network threw them a bone and let them shoot four more episodes...which yielded the BRILLIANT time travel episodes culminating with a PROPER finale that included a wedding. That was some good tv.

Well, Six Degrees is in good company. Did you know that shows like Laverne and Shirley, Diff'rent Strokes and The Jeffersons never had formal finales?

I know, I know...you're going to start bitching about the Sopranos. That doesn't count...THAT cliffhanger was planned.

Maybe I'll wake up like Bob Newhart and realize it was all just a dream.

Rhymes with Zucker

My blogger-vation is over. Did ya miss me?

For the uninitiated, Jeff Zucker is President and CEO of NBC Universal. His claim to fame, besides his rapid ascension up the tv ranks, is his PT Barnum-like knack for promotion.

These days, though, NBC is sorely lagging behind in the Must See TV category, and their Web Promotion isn't doing them any favors. As we pass these long summer days with some bad reality tv and [gasp] outdoor recreation, at least we can start preparing our Tivo's for the new shows, right? Well, sort of. Go to ABC's site: it's slick and easy to navigate and you can view previews for the fall. CBS has a fun, interactive Fall Showcase, sponsored by Tivo. But NBC?

For shame, for shame.

NBC's preview link is easy to miss, but if you find it, the link is to a TWENTY-FOUR minute fluff promo [read: we have no shows to promote] hosted by JJ Abrams favorite charity hire, Greg Grunberg.

I was still sympathetic. It must be hard to know your best days are behind you. So, I was happy to go down memory lane and visit that golden age when I saw a link to the NBC "Vault". It promised you could "relive the memories of your favorite NBC shows". Excited to indulge in some retro viewing, I was ready for links to Cheers, Family Ties...hell, even ALF! But, no. The links were to those other classics...The Apprentice and Fear Factor. Are you freaking kidding me? I feel so betrayed.

But, what else can you expect from a network whose future depends on John Stamos on the 87th season of ER. Get it together Zucker! You're also forcing the Today Show (the show that launched your career) to cannibalize itself by adding ANOTHER hour? How many makeovers can one show possibly do a week!

Oh well. In the meantime, enjoy a preview of ABC's upcoming answer to Sex and the City. And yes, in a weird twist of irony that IS the girl that played Ross' girlfriend now playing a lesbian.

Jumpin' Jack Flash (back)

80's + 90's star Whoopi Goldberg has joined The View. I guess Bawb-wa Walters figures the former Hollywood Square might add some, um, Comic Relief. I just hope she lifts The View out of its current coma.

Meanwhile, also in this very special The View edition of "Norma Desmond Award" nominee news: Star Jones is clinging to fame by announcing (now) that she had gastric bypass surgery.

Well, it's a good thing they finally did fill at least one of those slots. The ever-rotating co-host chair was filled recently with people whose names Bawb-wa couldn't even bother to learn, but the pinnacle was Babs practically choking on her own bile enduring Ross the intern's stint. Maybe she's still bitter she lost the Paris interview to that other geezer, Larry King.

The Discovery Channel

With the dog days of summer upon us, it seems like the fall season is just sooooooo far away. What's a tv obsessed gal to do? And what better to do on a rainy day (Ok, not really a rain day. Actually, what better to do on a perfect sunshine-y day, the kind when people might recoil in horror to know you spent it not at the beach but, in fact, inside your apartment watching tv...but I digress) than unearth some programming to watch!

Turns out, ABC has decided to burn off the leftovers of such shows as "Six Degrees" on the internet. So, if you have no life and are curious about the "lost Josh Charles" episodes, you can watch them here:

http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streaming/landing

You can also re-visit some dearly departed friends like "What About Brian?" What ABOUT Brian, anyway? The premise of that whole show kinda went out the window, didn't it? From a wayward single guy's trials and tribulations amongst a couple clogged zone, to a modern day Thirtysomething.

If only they'd had Miles Drentell to spice things up, we might still be asking, um, what about Brian?

DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'...IN SCOTT BAIO

You know how when you get to a certain age, you know there's no Santa Claus, but still, you eagerly antipate Christmas morning anyway and sneak a peak where your mom's hidden the gifts?

That's kinda how it's been with me and "Scott Baio is 45...and Single". Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus...and his name is Scott Baio!

I just couldn't wait till the Sunday premiere, so I got a preview of the show (thank you VH1 Vspot!). I am happy to report, it does not disappoint!

*Spoilers*
The show is one part "High Fidelity" (he goes back to visit old girlfriends to figure out why he's so screwed up) and one part..."Sopranos". I know, I know, you're thinking, has she lost her mind? "SOPRANOS"???? But, Scott Baio and Tony Soprano have a lot in common. As Scott meets with his Life Coach (can you feel the implied air quotes here?) he's so fabulously, deliciously flawed, it totally pulls you in, and you forget you're watching a 'reality' show. It's more like Dr. Melphi doling out her tough love advice. Unlike Tony, though, Scott's not looking for answers to excuse why he's killed people. He's just trying to figure out why he's been such a douche bag to women.

And, like Tony, even though we know he's been a total cad, somehow...we find ourselves rooting for him.

Oh yeah, and Tony and Scott both sure do seem to like strippers.

Arrested Development

Scott Baio will forever be frozen time as the teen dream of our youth. Admit it. You still know all the words. You still think Chachi's hot. And you wonder why this spinoff didn't last.

And yes, you're old, cuz this show was on TWENTY-FIVE years ago.

Thank god, only 1 week till Scott Baio returns to tv.

Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay-o, Wasting Time...

Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single (image spot)
Uploaded by starbex

Only two weeks to go!

Scott Baio may be 45 and single...but he is also 45 and super skinny..with virtually no chest hair!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

I may not be David Ogilvy, but the fundamentals of advertising are fairly simple to grasp: create a need so people want to buy your product. The Starter Wife has created a need. So, where's the product?

On multiple episodes, they keep playing a 'signature song' every time Debra Messing's character hooks up with a homeless guy. (Wow, that sounds a lot stranger to write than what occurs on the show. I digress...) Anyway, surely a quick visit to the USA/Starter Wife website (which includes such valuable features as the 'whack an ex' videogame) would inform me where to find this song? Nope.

After extensive googling (what did Nancy Drew do before Google?), I discovered that Itunes has an album, "Songs from the Starter Wife". Of course! Easy! But it's not there, either. Just a bunch of forgettable filler songs that I don't even remember being in the show.

Why must you torture me so, USA, WHY?! I mean, I (and other el-dorko chick flickers like me) am practically running down the street with my checkbook. I want to buy this song!!! Is it just ME, or is this a no-brainer opportunity for this new artist and USA to both make money?

Maybe it's just me. Detective skills in tact, I found this dude (I think?) on My Space: http://www.myspace.com/fergusbrown
Click on "Last Winter". You can't buy it, but at least you can hear this Peter Gabriel-ish future star. You heard it here first...well, sort of.

BAIO WATCH

Somewhere in the world is the person that approved this magazine cover.

Ladies, your prayers have been answered. Scott Baio returns to tv July 15!!! 'Scott Baio is 45...and Single' premieres on VH1 in just a few short weeks. Is anyone else filled with glee? Are you humming the Joanie Loves Chachi theme song?

Or maybe you're reminiscing about his EMMY award winning performances (yes, it's true) in the ABC After School Specials "Stoned" and "All the Kids Do It".

Come to think of it, when did they stop airing those things? Maybe this is what's wrong with kids today..no After School Specials! If only Paris and Lindsay had such guidance, the roads (and, let's face it, the world) might be a safer place.

Sigh.

Love Will Keep Us Together

Are we officially out of reality tv concepts? NBC debuted "Age of Love" Monday night. It's the Bachelor - with a twist. And when I say IT'S THE BACHELOR, I sure do mean it.

The twist is, two sets of girls are vying for his love, 40-somethings...and 20-somethings. Everything else is pretty much the Bachelor business as usual.

As a member of the tv industry, I have to overcome a fair amount of cynicism to properly enjoy a show like this...but it's pretty hard. I can practically hear the machinations brewing behind the scenes: casting calls to find bratty, bitchy 20-somethings and hot hot hot "I can't believe you're 48!"/"Look at me!" 40-somethings....can you just say ONE more time for camera how your biological clock is ticking?

Plus, can't these lazy bastards at least not rip off EVERYTHING from The Bachelor? Even the teases to break: "Who will go home broken-hearted?" is stolen. You may as well hire Chris Harrison!

Then, under the category of millllllllllking it, during this show there was a commercial for..."Science of Love". "Science of Love" AND "Age of Love" are BOTH hosted by Mark Consuelos. Do we really need ANOTHER one of these?? Ok, a little research reveals "Science of Love" is actually just a one hour special "event"....but why is Mark Consuelos doing this? And doesn't he look too much like Mark Philippoussis (the bachelor in this) anyway? People reallllllly really want to be on tv.

At any rate, I'm exhausted already and it's only the first night of the series. Anyway, at least we're only days away from Paula Abdul's reality show, "Hey, Paula". I smell a Norma Desmond award hall of famer!!!!!!

Don't Stop Believin'

*Do I really need to warn about spoilers at this point???*

Yes, I too thought the cable had gone wacky at the end of the Sopranos. After contemplation I think the open ended finale is brilliant, though unecessary to chop it off abruptly so that people spend more time rewinding Tivo than trying to 'figure out' the end.

Anyway, there's nothing to figure out. Back in season one, an episode was titled "Nobody Knows Anything", and that applies here. Maybe a more appropriate Journey song would be "Any Way You Want It". The truth is, we don't know. The brilliance of David Chase is, just like life, he doesn't tie things up in a neat little bow. And, let's face it, people are angry. People are talking. And that's what a great ending does.

But in the end this show has always been about the ironic dichotomy of Tony's two lives: the edge of your seat gangster and the everyday trivialities (with its associated annoyances) of family life. And we assume this uneasy coexistence continues long after the camera cuts, and the 'family' goes on. Tony Soprano is forever trapped in between worlds. Turns out LOST hasn't cornered the market on Purgatory. In the words of Tony Soprano:

"Cause, once you're into this family, there's no getting out."

Pay no attention to the GINORMOUS elephant in the living room...

Though it's been my personal vow NEVER to give any ink to Paris Hilton, I have to just address the lame lame lame non-journalism that took place on Friday's Regis and Kelly...er, well, there was no Regis, so Kelly and Neil Patrick Harris (a.k.a Doogie Howser).

I digress.

So there's teeny weeny itty bitty Nicole Richie, on the program to promote the new season of "The Simple Life". If you were born under a rock, it co-stars Paris Hilton. Simultaneously as this show is airing, Hilton is all over the news (the news! Paris Hilton is news!) going back to jail, yet nooooo mention of Paris' situation to Nicole. No softball questions that Nicole can answer with "No comment" or "I'm praying for her". Just no mention of it whatsoever?

Shame on you, Gelman. And you call yourself a producer.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Sunday night's second to last episode of the Sopranos was a bloodbath. You know it's a good show when you scream out loud while watching alone.

Or maybe that's just me.

First, just a minor plot grievance: Tony's off in hiding, and Carmella and Meadow head over to Janice's to console her. Does this mean suicidal A.J. was left at home alone? Hmmm.

Anyone else think that Tony was going to blow his OWN head off for a quick second at the end when he was clutching the gun? That COULD happen next week. Well, maybe. My other prediction that Adriana is still alive doesn't seem to be panning out, after all. Let's face it: next week is a wild card, but I think this dude's going down.

Either way, expect some homages to The Godfather/Goodfellas etc. next week...now THAT you can take to the bank.

GREY AREA

*Spoiler Alert* I'm talking about plot points of the finale here...do not read ahead if you haven't watched yet!!

I NEED A DOSE OF EPI:
The season as a whole has been uneven. It seems to me that once the writers got Derek and Meredith together, they panicked because there was suddenly no more conflict. Breaking them up via Addison's arrival was brilliant. Heading them towards a breakup for reasons that seem sort of wafer thin seems disappointing. Did i miss something? Derek's pissed because she tried to drown herself? That's how she's "not there for him?" Also, doesn't it seem like Meredith bounced back rather quickly from her stepmother's death (not to mention her dad backhanding her AND blaming her!).

That said, the episode as a whole was really good. Whoever this new "Grey" character is might be just the thing to stir things up with Derek and Meredith.

I CAN'T DIAGNOSE THIS:
How come the new interns seemed to know George was the "failed intern"? Was there a scarlet F on his locker?
And how come Richard seemed to be clueless that he could be the father of Adele's baby? Did he catch Alzheimer's from Ellis Grey and forget he and Adele had sex?

HEALTHY PROGNOSIS:
Love that George failed the exam. Nice little plot twist and can't wait to see what he does next.
We all love Dr. Bailey. Everyone. Find me anyone who watches the show who doesn't love her. And so I am hopeful (though not SURE) that next season she can get more screen time in this new dynamic where she's under Callie. That has the potential to be great.

FLATLINE:
I can't believe Burke is gone. Despite his obviously horrid off camera antics, I actually grew to really love Burke and Christina as a couple this season...and with the recent Derek and Meredith snooze-fest, I was really kind of liking them more! Plus, me being the ridiculous romantic that I am, I thought when Burke walked down the aisle to go get Christina, he was going to go get her and walk her up the aisle so they could do it together. Awww. That woulda been nice, but ABC crushed my dreams. Too bad they haven't contacted me to write for the show. But of course as I've said before, if I was writing the show, Addison would've been preggers with McDreamy's baby and that would've been a deliciously more interesting plot device to keep McDreamy and Meredith apart!

The Mouse Roars

ABC's showing was strong today, and it looks like they'll coast on the success of their existing hits. News of note regarding some of the shows on the fall schedule (and no I'm not talking about the Grey's spinoff today):

GOOD NEWS:

BIG SHOTS - About dysfunctional CEO's, it stars Michael Vartan AND Dylan McDermott. Setting my tivo NOW, though I have to admit I'm unsure how this differs from...

DIRTY SEXY MONEY - From the ABC press release "Power, privilege and family money are a volatile cocktail." The boys are not as cute on this show, though it does have Billy Baldwin.

CASHMERE MAFIA - ABC's answer to NBC's Lipstick Jungle. If you're keeping score, Lipstick Jungle is based on a Candace Bushnell book, just like Sex and the City was. Cashmere Mafia has nothing to do with Candace Bushnell, but it has Executive Producer Darren Star, who produced Sex and the City. Got it now? Later we can play the Kevin Bacon game!

BAD NEWS:
CAVEMEN - The show revolving around the Geico commercial characters is on the fall schedule.

WHAT ABOUT BRIAN is officially over. Damn you Barry Watson, why did you cut your hair?

MUST SEE TV?

The NBC Upfronts were today. Arguably, the most talked about new NBC show is "Lipstick Jungle" and it's only a midseason replacement?! Paging Mr. Zucker, it's been MANY a moon since the Seinfeld/Friends heydey. You need to do something BIG to get back to the glory days. And while Lipstick Jungle is going to try to be Sex and the City, and will likely fail (sorry to be a hater), why wait to find out?! It COULD be a contend-a.

By the way, what is the difference between Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia? Anyone? Anyone?

Now, just to demolish my street cred, I have never seen Heroes. I also do not watch the Office. I am an island, and NBC will never, ever hire me.

PS. Who is this woman playing the 2007 " The Bionic Woman"????

Summer Breeze, Makes Me Feel Fine...

In a few weeks, a few things are certain:
The Sopranos will be over FOREVER.
Lost will be off until next season (which is like, super far away I might add).
Something BIG will happen to SOMEBODY on Grey's Anatomy (ok that's just safe bet speculation on my part).

This leaves us spending our summer mourning the loss of a legendary show, wondering if the island inhabitants are alive or dead or WHAT, and wondering how we'll get through the week without new McDreamy to look forward to. Ok, um, actually...the last one might be JUST ME.

Fear not, my tv-loving friends! You don't have to spend the summer under the sun's dangerous UV rays! Stay inside, where it's safe...and watch tv! A few summer-premiering shows for you to contemplate, along with my total assessment of each, sight unseen. Not to be judgmental or anything.

PURE CAR WRECK AWARD: The Ex-Wives Club, a reality show starring Shar Jackson, Marla Maples, and Angie Everheart giving makeovers and advice to people going thru bad breakups/divorces. Instead of Ty Pennington yelling "Move that bus!" they yell "Move that prenup!" at the close of each episode. Ok, I totally made that last part up, but it FEELS true.

CURIOSITY AWARD: Too Big to Walk...ok, I am not making this up, the premise of the show: overweight people walk 500 miles.

WOULD RATHER DROWN UNDER A BRUTAL WAVE THAT BASHES MY SKULL REPEATEDLY INTO THE ROCKS KILLING ME IN A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH THAN WATCH AWARD: Untitled Victoria Beckham Project. Sorry, this chick freaks me out.

WELL AT LEAST THEY GOT SPIELBERG ATTACHED EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A RIPOFF OF PROJECT GREENLIGHT AWARD: In the ultimate Frankenstein-like pairing, Mark Burnett and Steven Spielberg team up for a show that has 16 undiscovered talents competing for a development deal at Dreamworks. Is anyone else sad that Spielberg is doing this show (but of course we'll watch it anyway)?

And don't forget, next week is the UPFRONTS!!!!! Lots more announcements to come about all the new shows...that you can spend your summer looking forward to. Surf's up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ER CPR

Am I the only one still watching ER all these years later? True, even I strayed for a few seasons there somewhere in between Mark Greene's brain tumor and Dr. Romano getting killed by a wayward helicopter, but as escapist drama goes, all the new faces add up to a pretty solid ensemble.

There is nothing groundbreaking here. John Stamos is clearly positioned as the next generation's George Clooney, and you know what? He's doing a pretty damn good job, even if it almost seems like he's been renting old ER dvd's and watching them over and over so as to perfect the signature Clooney sexy head tilt. But, if we can't have the REAL George, John Stamos is not so shabby...sort of like Splenda instead of sugar. To that end, an episode with a wedding in May is of course TV ratings 101, but again, we'll take it (And by we, I mean us chick-tv loving gals.) Even though I personally find Parminder Nagra's character incredibly annoying, you Bend it like Beckham fans seem to like her, so I think it's just me.

ER may have passed its prime, and no one is gathered around the water cooler talking about this show anymore...but it hits its marks consistently and if you're looking to be entertained, ER's still churning it out, week after week, after all of these years. Next week, Stanley Tucci joins the cast, which can only mean good things.

Check out the last 10 minutes of last Thursday's show. If you do watch - spoiler alert - there's a sweeps-style plot twist at the end, all set to the incredibly fabulous Tom Waits tune, "World Keeps Turning".



Oh, and how could I forget, while we're talking ER and all...HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE CLOONEY!!!

Deep Brady Bunch Thoughts

Of course I was filled with joy at the prospect of a Brady Bunch reunion at the TV Land Awards. Just some random musings as I watched what was surely a seminal moment in pop culture:

-Why does Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady) style her hair as though she were Leather Tuscadero in 1983?

-Is Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) wearing a big coat to disguise how much weight she did (or didn't lose) on Celebrity Fit Club? [Spoiler Alert! Do not watch the clip through to the finale if you don't want the answer to the weight loss question.]

-But on the other hand, why does Barry Williams (Greg Brady) wear a coat on stage? Is he on his way to flash someone?

-The Norma Desmond Award: I'm calling it a tie. YOU decide!
Is it Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) for approaching his 'acceptance' speech as though he'd just won an Oscar...
OR
Barry Williams for his unspeakable glee every time the camera was on him, and who was in, like, every shot of the musical finale.

-Where oh where are you, Eve Plumb/Jan Brady???

Sinking to a new low

As I was watching the channel 7 news (ABC in NYC) incessant coverage of ALL THE RAIN, I couldn't help but be particularly sickened by Jeff Rossen's media whore approach to this 'story'. As he pointed out a person trapped in his car who was sinking rapidly, he proclaimed with sincerity "Don't go out in the storm, this is what can happen to you!" A cautionary tale, right? What a great guy, right?

Um, in his next breath, he reveals he and his camera folk can probably get him out...and they'll try AFTER the broadcast. I guess because he needs a few more shots of this poor guy potentially drowning in his car.

If my quick trip to good old Google is accurate, this moron is the same character that was in Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine" - the idiot reporter who kept checking his hair in between takes of covering the carnage.

Hey, Jeff, the rain is totally making your hair frizz.

Tis the Season...

With the kickoff of the Sopranos final episodes, it got me to thinking about finales. Sure, you can probably rattle off some great (and sometimes controversial) endings. Bob Newhart: "It was all a dream"; Sex and the City: Carrie goes to Paris/ends up with Mr. Big. The Seinfeld Trial.

But what about SEASON finales? Which ones left you thinking, HOW can I wait all summer for the answer??! Of course, I'm talking beyond Who Shot J.R.? I was thinking about this for awhile, and Friends really cornered the market on great cliffhangers. Just think, going all the way back to THE ONE WHERE Rachel rushes to see Ross at the airport once she finds out about his feelings for her...and he's getting off the plane with new girlfriend, Julie. But that was the kiddie pool compared to THE ONES WHERE: Ross says Rachel at his wedding to Emily; Chandler and Monica decide to elope in Vegas and discover a very drunk Ross and Rachel have beat them to the chapel and, finally, THE ONE WHERE everyone thinks Monica is pregnant as she marries Chandler, only to reveal in the final few seconds that RACHEL is the one who is pregnant.

Junior runner up: Felicity must decide: Noel or Ben?

But, I don't want to be TOO stuck in the past, so thinking about the shows that are, like, still airing, that's no contest. Screw Lost. Grey's, you still have me won over in that department. Season 1's surprise introduction of Derek's WIFE after a season long courtship of Meredith was just the warmup for Season 2's explosive affair between Derek and Meredith at the hospital "prom". And if that weren't enough, Izzy risks everything (including unknowingly, Burke's life) to get Denny his heart. After a successful operation and one spontaneous marriage proposal to her (paging Florence Nightingale), he kicks it anyway.

I gotta get me some more of that good tv!!!

Feast or Famine

How many weeks of reruns, retrospectives, and just plain nothing to watch on Sunday has there been? Suddenly, it's a tv bonanza! New Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters, but that of course had to take a backseat to the Sopranos (8 eps to go!) and Entourage. But wait, over on A&E, I had a morbid curiosity to check out "Sons of Hollywood" since the promo team at A&E actually did a good job of teasing me with scenes of Randy Spelling getting the news about his dad Aaron Spelling's death. They also made me want to watch Gene Simmons Family Jewels with a teaser about Gene's facelift. Both are on my DVR, hopefully Randy's show is better than his big sis?

Meanwhile, back in Sopranos-land...so good. So so good. And over on Entourage...is it just me or was the boat guy that Turtle was negotiating with the guy that played Mr. Treeger on Friends...you know, the super that made Rachel cry and made Joey help him learn to dance? Why am I cursed with this useless gift????

R.I.P. Six Degrees

Stop the Bleeding!

On the heels of my earlier post (bitch session) lamenting all the clip show rehashes...ABC just announced that on April 12th they will air "Grey's Anatomy: Every Moment Counts", a retrospective of the best moments of the last 3 seasons. And this week looks to be a repeat, too, so no new Grey's for awhile as far as I can tell. Do we really need all the clip shows to catch up when all we do is watch old episodes over and over?! Sigh. At least it's being hosted by Jeffrey Dean Morgan (the dearly departed Denny). Yum.

Sibling Rivalry

You know, despite my kvetching about some of ABC's recent programming decisions, at least they have lots of programs worth talking about! Brothers & Sisters has quietly hit its stride and is becoming a really good show. The characters are all so humorously flawed and it's become quite engaging to watch...Rachel Griffiths is a standout and you can just feel her ANGST in every scene. Rob Lowe is fabulous and quite lovable, let's hope they keep him around. Even Calista Flockhart is rising above her Ally McBealisms and becoming pretty good.
Meanwhile, it occurred to me during last night's closing music montage wrap up (are there any dramas left that don't end their shows this way by the way?) that Amos Lee has become the king of the drama soundtrack. If my facts are correct, besides Brothers and Sisters, his music has popped up on Grey's, What About Brian, Six Degrees, and over at NBC on ER, just to name a few. Check out his songs "Colors" and "Sympathize" and maybe it'll put you into a montage mood...

Desperate for the truth!

I'm beginning to even bore MYSELF with yet another rant against the network establishment but...stop luring us to your shows under false pretenses! ABC's promo promised an ALL NEW Desperate Housewives but it was the 'ol bait and switch...just another damn clip show. If you're so keen on the clip shows because they are a cheap way to fill the hour, then how about using them where they make sense...like as a refresher prior to the return of Six Degrees, the show no one had seen in months! And is it just me or have there been an unusual amount of clip/catch up shows during Desperate Housewives' entire run? This show is not exactly hard to follow, we're not dealing with LOST here...Sigh. Didn't NBC do the same sneaky thing with The Office a few weeks ago? At least my DVR still loves me. It didn't lie. It revealed to me that this was a highlight show. Thanks DVR. This is why I love you, because you always tell it like it is.

Hey kids, just a reminder, with a night filled with NEW episodes, last week CBS kicked ABC's repeat laden booty in the ratings on Thursday night. This week, Grey's is once again scheduled to be a repeat...unless the suits go into crisis mode and move up the new shows...which they might want to consider doing since they're not exactly doing October Road any favors with the sloppy seconds lead in...

Don't Tell Josh Six Degrees is Dead!

So, Six Degrees is back, and it's actually better. Dare I say I sorta liked it? Sadly, the ratings were far from stellar, probably because ABC has spent all of their ad dollars on Dancing with the Stars. I was a little perplexed by ABC's casting of Jason Lewis as Whitney (Bridget Moynahan)'s love interest this week - is he or his agent sleeping with someone at ABC? Just wondering. I mean, he's already a semi-regular on Brothers and Sisters, they couldn't find another hot guy to fill this slot?? Also, is it just me or is something wrong with his face now, like he's been in the sun for 100 years or something? Anyhoo, I digress...

Josh Charles is joining the cast in what seems to be an effort to save the show. Not that I don't love Josh: great in Dead Poets, classically great in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (why so many 'dead' shows?....I digress again). Now, Josh is a fine addition, but he's not really a "Heather Locklear lucky charm" type if ya know what I mean....Well Josh, I wish you the best of luck in saving this show regardless, as I think it has potential.


Filing under the "I should run the network" category...why not some advertising that bites off that six degrees concept with a viral campaign encouraging folks to 'tell a friend' - you know, like that shampoo commercial did in the 70's. You'll tell two friends, and she'll tell two friends, and so on and so on and so on...

I want this to be good!

Coming soon, well, in May, it's USA's mini-series of the book "The Starter Wife". I want this to be good in a deliciously decadent, soapy kind of guilty pleasure way. However, I am worried that USA is billing this as a 6 hour "event". I hear '6 hour event', I think Masterpiece Theater, characters on horseback with swords drawn, not camp about rich Hollywood wives. Also, while I'm on a marketing-questioning rant...the promos department seems to have chosen the same music E! used to death during awards season for all of their red carpet coverage. Pick something else! Please you advertising types - Watch tv! Be aware! Be ORIGINAL!!! By the way, in this series, Debra Messing will take on the title role and attempt to break out of her "Grace" character image by playing a character named, um...Gracie.

Ballroom Blitz

America, what is WRONG with you? How could you send home Paulina Porizkova first on Dancing with the Stars last night? She was cute, self-deprecating and just overall fun to watch. Why why why would you not send home stuffy, plastic, boring Leeza Gibbons? Are you the same people that are voting for Sanjaya on AI...or George W? For shame, for shame.

And while we're talking about shame, I understand that competition shows tend to streeeeeeeetch out the results, but last night was beyond bloated and useless. The recap show wasn't so much a recap as a re-run, and then after a full hour of that rehash, it's ANOTHER hour of stretched out results? Well, it wasn't a total loss. At least we got to see that Dionne Warwick's still kicking around....

Sclemeel, schlemazel

The rumors are (allegedly) true!

TV Land is developing a scripted buddy comedy starring Penny "Laverne" Marshall and Cindy "Shirley" Williams.

They are also developing a show where stars of famous old shows must go do the ACTUAL job they were famous for on the show, i.e. Loni Anderson of WKRP goes to work at a radio station or Harry Anderson of Night Court goes to work in the legal system.

Funny executions of this idea I'd like to see:
Ann B. Davis "Alice" goes to work as a live-in maid for a blended family with a show-tune lovin' dad.

Not so funny executions of this idea I would NOT like to see:
Alan Alda "Hawkeye" goes to war....

Why I Should Run the TV (Web) Universe

Why are so many network execs so stupid?!?! A recent visit to the HBO website reveals a teeny tiny blurb that the Sopranos comes back April 8th. And, you have to search to find out that Entourage comes back the same night. Now, I know they are more focused on promoting "Rome" at the moment, but, seriously, let's face it...there's MANY of us out there that ain't dusting off our HBO subscriptions till the Sopranos comes back. Plus, they should really be hyping the hell out of the upcoming Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Special...even if it is hosted inexplicably by not so wild-n-crazy Anderson Cooper.

Now we move onto ABC's website. Last week was supposed to be a repeat of Grey's, then at the last minute, it became a new episode. Now, it simply says "the next episode has not yet been scheduled". Um, seriously?

I dare you to name one show on Oxygen besides Tori and Dean: Inn Love. Did you actually even KNOW what network this was on? Again, a tiny blurb about their only recognizable enterprise...ok, the Janice Dickinson train wreck notwithstanding. Maybe Oxygen isn't hyping Tori's show enough because it is so god awful. Sorry, Tori, I wanted to like it. I'll give you one more try this week but it ain't looking good.

Oh, and back to ABC (holy ADD)...you're not exactly doing much on your site (or anywhere) to alert people Six Degrees is back, and on a new night, no less. Bridget Moynahan's scandalous pregnancy from Patriots hottie Tom Brady is the best happy accident (excuse the pun) publicity you could hope for....now exploit it!!!!