Crouching Tiger

I don't necessarily want to jump on the "bash Tiger" bandwagon, so that means I can't make any 'hole in one' or 'catch a tiger by the tail' jokes. Too easy and, well...ew.

Plus, you can't blame the guy. I mean, he's spent years representing a company whose slogan is "Just Do It". He was just following orders!

Ok, sorry, I had to get one in.

Seriously, though, I just have to wonder, how did this guy pull this off for so long? And how many other 'role models' are leading double lives? There are some seriously douche-y dudes freaking out right now that they might be outed next.

And let's not leave out the ladies. I'm sure there are plenty of famous all-American gals out there who also have a few skeletons.

But, until the next scandal breaks, and the paparazzi move onto that feeding frenzy, only one question remains for me (well, besides the obvious "How the hell did he find time to play golf?" one)...Who will get the coveted post-scandal interview. Will it be...

-A teary apology with Babwa Walters?

-A frank discussion with Oprah?

-Maybe a man to man talk with Bob Costas?

I just beg you, Tiger, please no sudden 'sex addiction rehab' BS. This will just give bottom feeders like Drew Pinsky even more fodder and we both know the only reason you, ahem, allegedly cheated with so many women was because you can.

Tiger's people are no doubt trying to figure out the best sympathetic comeback role possible. I have no inside scoop, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a guest spot on Cougar Town.

Just a hunch.

Pu Pu Platter

I mean, I bitched all summer about having nothing to watch. It was seriously the dregs. A re-run of Oprah picked up by my DVR was actually described as follows: "Dr. Mehmet Oz answers viewers' questions about bike seats, hot tubs and tight pants.".

Obviously, times have been tough, so I was pretty psyched that all the new programming was finally hitting the airwaves.

But, being the über busy gal I am, I had to have kind of a quickie cram session to catch last week's new stuff. It went something like this:

As painful as it was, I forced myself to zip through the premiere of The View co-hosted by Kate Gosselin. That is, until Kate said to Victoria Beckham something like "Oh, your marriage made it to ten years, unlike mine.". Um, yeah, you guys are the same.

DVR - Delete.

Then, it was onto Oprah's interview with Whitney, who now inexplicably is starting to sound like Marge Simpson. Stuck with that until the "Bobby Brown spit in my face" portion.

Delete.

Not really a Jay Leno person (go Team Dave!) but I had to at least watch the premiere in the interest of journalistic integrity. Ok, fine, he lucked out with Kanye West and even got him to cry. And Jerry Seinfeld would be hilarious reading the phone book. But basically, this is just the same show, earlier time...no thanks.

Delete.

So when I realized Sunday night contained the Emmy's, Mad Men AND Curb Your Enthusiasm, well, it became another DVR feeding frenzy.

**Spoilers**

But then all of my Emmy faves kept losing. Bupkis for Tina Fey? Or Julia Louis Dreyfus? Or Tracey Morgan? Or Neil Patrick Harris? Or Jack McBrayer? Or Elisabeth Moss? Or Jon Hamm? Really?

Delete.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Hello kiddies!

Greetings from work-a-holic land! Do you feel neglected? Think I've forgotten about you? It isn't so. But for the duration of the summer, I am work, work, work-ing round the clock on a TLC show (so guess I'll table the Jon + Kate comments for now so as not to piss off the network that feeds me) and I've had no time for blogging.

But I've been thinking of you! A free association rundown of stuff that's popped into my head over the past month.

Michael Jackson I know my girl Oprah has been on vaca (thus the thousands of re-runs my DVR keeps picking up that are the same two themes: "How to live in the recession" and "How to look younger/thinner") but seriously, she couldn't come back from whatever castle she's staying at to do a show on MJ's passing? I know what you're thinking, do we really need any more coverage? CNN is already ALL MJ ALL THE TIME. But still...you just know she's coming back from holiday with Michael's besties rounded up. And I mean the big ones - Liz Taylor, Macaulay Culkin, that Webster kid...if I know O, it's gonna look like the set of the next Surreal Life.

I kinda can't wait. I know it's wrong.

Kate Winslet This is probably super old news, but I keep stumbling into these quotes and articles where Kate says how pissed she is that magazines airbrush her because she wants to keep it real.

Dear Magazine Editors, if I should ever become famous for some reason, please feel free to airbrush the crap out of me. Go nuts! Not interested in looking real whatsoever. xoxo Krista

What Not to Watch Man oh man, I mean, I know I've been busy, but there is NOTHING on. Nothing. I turned on 5 minutes of "Miami Social" on Bravo and it was the 5 most annoying, whiny moments in tv history. Don't go there, not even if you're a fan of that girl from the Apprentice that has surfaced on this show. And now that other Apprentice alum, Bill Rancic, and his wife, Giuliana (from E!) are doing a Newlyweds-ish show on Style?

Good luck kids. Hope the divorce lawyer is on speed dial.

Glimmers of Hope Only a few weeks till Mad Men. And, this week I'll at least be entertained by tuning in to the last 15 minutes of "The Bachelorette" just to see the most shocking whatever ever, even though I haven't watched for 95% of the season and even though NO WAY is that girl hot enough to have all those dudes fighting over her.

Speaking of desperation, should I watch "More to Love", the Bachelor for the plus sized?

Yeah, maybe it's best I'm too busy working on tv to actually watch it.

Gone Baby Gone

Upfront week continues, and today it's ABC who has unveiled their fall plans.

NOT making the cut:



October Road: So, just as I had feared, we'll never find out if Nick is Sam's father. Or if Hannah will marry Big Cat. Or if the networks ever give a show with potential time to build an audience.












Cashmere Mafia: Sorry girls, NBC's Lipstick Jungle reigned supreme in this matchup. Pack up your knives Manolos and go.










Oprah's Big Give: I guess she gave enough at the office. Show's over.

Inexplicably, According to Jim comes back midseason. Oh goodie. I can't wait.

On the new front, King of Quirky David E. Kelley's got another show coming at ya. Life on Mars is about a detective who is transported to the 1970's. And Opportunity Knocks is an Ashton Kutcher reality show where producers show up on your doorstep and you have a chance to win prizes.

Opportunity Knocks is NOT, apparently, the feeling execs had for Big Shots. That show's gone buh-bye, too. Sorry, DYLAN MCDERMOTT, time to hit up big shot boss David E. Kelley for a new job.

Swept Away

I love this time of year. The flowers are starting to bloom. Children can practically taste summer vacation.

And the networks are pulling out all the stops to lure in viewers for sweeps.

It wasn't even on my mind until I saw this Oprah promo for some of her upcoming episodes hitting the small screen in May:

5/1: The Sex and the City cast will be on to discuss the upcoming movie. Now, I have no idea if they'll address the rumors about Big dying in the movie, but I do hope they talk about why his eyebrows are looking more manicured than the lawn at Charlotte's former country house with Trey.

5/2 AND 5/5: Tom Cruise is returning, his first visit since he jumped the Scientology shark his couch-jumping incident. Among other things, his appearance is a thinly veiled infomercial to convince us all that he is not an alien to celebrate his 25 years in films (anyone else feel old due to that statement?).


5/6: Barbara Walters is going to be on, too, dishing about her long career. The sound bite on the ad alluded to some scandalous affair that almost derailed Walters' career.

I can only hope and pray it was not an affair with Al Reynolds.

Aw, heck, it's sweeps time. I kinda hope it is.

A Given

It was sort of inevitable that I would like ABC's new spin on Extreme Home Makeover show, Oprah's Big Give. The premise, in a nutshell, is that contestants are sent off with some seed money (I guess it was seed money? They never really explained that part...) and are assigned to help people in need in some way. Whoever helps the most, in the best way, [read: not just giving away money] wins. I'm always a sucker for a tearjerker with a cause and Sunday nights have sort of become "Feel Good TV" night anyway, so I'm probably going to be hooked all season.

HOWEVER, I do, of course, have just a wee bit of feedback, OPRAH. Awards season may be over, but, may I present you my feedback via my own "Big Give" Awards:

THE "APPLES AND ORANGES" AWARD: The assignments were hardly comparable. For instance, how can you compare the woman who needed help with her mortgage because her husband was murdered while working at Home Depot...to the med student who needed help with student loans? One is called death, the other is called...LIFE. And while I'm at it, why couldn't Home Depot come up with some cash to help this poor widow?

THE "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP" A.K.A. THE "MY HEART WILL GO ON" AWARD: While I was psyched to dust off the Five for Fighting song, World, for this episode, when Best Days came on during the soldier segment, I thought, please for the love of all that is holy, find a new inspiring song for your reality show. American Idol has already cornered the market on this one. Let's move on, shall we?

THE "WITHOLDING INFORMATION" AWARD Why not tell us more about the judges? Malaak Compton-Rock has a charity background. Surely this information makes her a more credible judge than just being called "Chris Rock's wife" in the intro?

THE "PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET THE CAUSE BE SCIENTOLOGY" AWARD Previews for upcoming episodes showed John Travolta dropping in, so let's hope he coughs up some of his cash for the needy. Jennifer Aniston is also stopping by.

We assume her involvement has um, nothing to do with adopting orphans in Africa.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Pop culture has yielded a whole lotta slang words and phrases, and many of them have come out of TV. The other day, I got to thinking, how DO these things catch on? Sometimes, it's unexpected (How YOU doin'?), sometimes it's just so DAMN funny it's destined to enter the lexicon (Stop looking at my VA JAY JAY!), and sometimes, well, sometimes a
BRO-MANCE is just a bro-mance.

But I wanna scream "Where's the beef?" when writers/celebs try to force these things at us, hoping it'll become the next "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?"

On Oprah the other day, she did (shocker) a show on weight loss. On this show, she decided to deem these women "She-ro's". Get it? They are WOMEN and they are HEROES so they are SHE-RO's. What's worse is that she kept reminding us that this is now like, a thing, on Oprah. Heroic women are now called She-ro's. I'm not sure putting down that hoagie warrants heroism (some smaller pants, maybe), but all I know is I haven't found a made up word this annoying since Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw exclaimed that everyone's got S.S.B.

Oh, sorry...that's Secret Single Behavior for you amateurs. D'oh!

Oprah, you're so good at so many things - getting people to buy books, getting presidents elected... but let's face it, you're not getting new words into Webster's. Cross it off your to-do list.

Can you please instead focus your energy on something IMPORTANT?
If you could resurrect SNIGLETS, well that would be legen - Wait for it - dary.