Grey Area

*Spoilers Galore!*

When I settled in to watch the LOST finale, I knew I was probably in for some disappointment. I have been lamenting the general lost art of the finale all week, and was actually pleasantly surprised when I tuned in to watch the Grey's Anatomy season ender the other night. With Grey's I got 2 hours of heart-stopping, Dallas-style shoot 'em up drama.

Well, I was psyched to have a series deliver the goods...until Grey's decided to wrap it all up in neat little bow with no cliffhangers to mess with my summer. And so I whined about that. Careful what you wish for...I could use a bow or too from Lost.

But, enough about Grey's. You don't care about that. When you get to the office, no one's going to be talking about McDreamy. Instead, I see a serious backlash comin' at those producers with more fervor than that smoke monster.

Don't get me wrong. I love when finales piss people off. I defended The Soprano's for weeks. Seinfeld...years. But this lame ass ending?

Not so much.

It's not like I'm asking them to have installed Bob Newhart in the pulpit. But honestly, the only real Purgatory is that I wasted 6 years on this crap.

I wasn't expecting lots of answers. But how about...some? Any? So many questions...like....what happened to Jack's other wife - was she too busy with her "Modern Family"? Why did Ben go from creepiest bully EVER to biggest wuss this season? Why did I just sit through more commercials than content?

Also, I'm no churchie, but how come the killers (Kate, Sawyer, Sayid....) get to go to heaven?

Well, lots of people are embracing all this Heavenly Light mumbo jumbo. Good for them. As for me?

I'm still wondering why it was NOT PENNY'S BOAT. Maybe I'll find out in another life, brotha.

No Love Lost

After 6 years of flashbacks, flash forwards, and flash-wherevers, we finally get our finale.

*Spoilers*

Now, I don't read Lost message boards, but I've certainly heard enough chatter about the certainly plausible "It's a dream", "They're in an insane asylum", and "It's Purgatory" theories. All possible.

But I have another.

Is it just me, or has this season actually uncovered that all Lost REALLY is, is a whole lotta theft from some famous movies?? I'm going on record now to say that when the smoke clears (uh, so to speak) on finale night, I think we'll find out this was all just stories being pitched by a Hollywood writer. Maybe we'll flash to him sitting in a studio, piles of scripts in hand, making pitch after pitch, only to be rejected for the lack of originality.

Not sure where I'm going with this? Consider the facts. First, that damn smoke monster. Um, does no one else remember the end of Ghost when basically the same smoky thing gobbles up the bad guys?

And then, there's the more obscure cult classic, Pet Sematary. In this Stephen King movie, people that came back from the dead were suddenly kinda evil, kinda off, and that guy that used to play Herman Munster kept exclaiming, "Sometimes dead is bettahhhh!". Um, isn't that what happened to Claire and Said? This argument is slightly weakened by the fact that the writers kind of blew off that storyline, except for the ridiculous decision to underscore Claire's new nuttiness with frizzy hair week after week. In the land of the Lost, no conditioner=crazy.

Apparently.

And then of course, last week, there was that sinking submarine with the teary goodbye of the Kwon's. Ok, I did tear up a little, but mostly, I couldn't shake Celine Dion in my head belting out "My Heart Will Go Onnnnnnnnn". Damn Titanic stealers.

Not sure what movies they'll rip off next week, but I'm sticking with my theory.

Or maybe we'll find out it was just a 3 hour tour.

The Envelope Please

Another year, another chick Super Bowl. Stream of consciousness thoughts on the Oscar festiviites:

Red Carpet commentator, Kathy Ireland Who dug her up? While her '80s Sports Illustrated calendars are impressive, and sure, that Kmart product line is like, awesome, her choice as a red carpet commentator? Somewhat vexing. Oh, and please don't write in and tell me how she was on Dancing with the Stars. A show that casts Kate Gosselin does not a credible '00s celeb make. Meanwhile, speaking of the time warp...

That opening footage on ABC of 'classic' red carpet What was with that VHS-ish completely random feed of 90's-era celeb couples? I'm pretty sure last I checked Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford aren't together anymore. Weird and awkward, ABC. But on the other hand....

John Hughes Tribute Unexpected highlight of the night, for sure, even if Molly Ringwald looked terrified and Judd Nelson...oh, Judd Nelson. Someone give this guy a comeback movie, quick.

'In Memoriam" montage Yes, yes, touching to have James Tayor sing along as we watch the long list of celebs who have passed, but don't they usually leave the biggest stars to the end...ya know, the grand finale of famous people deaths? Michael Jackson was lumped in like he was a random PR exec and did I miss it or did they really forget Farrah Fawcett?

Best Score Montage 10:50pm...probably not the best time to launch into your 5 hr interpretative dance/mime routine of all the best score nomineezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Baby Come Back

I'm still here. Kinda sounds like something someone would say in a melodramatic love story, no?

In this case, though, it's just me reminding all you loyal readers that I haven't forgotten ya! Big changes here in tv gal's world, leaving little time to entertain you with my tv tales.

Alas, I'm not a Lost time traveler, so I can't turn a wheel that rotates the globe and go back in time (or whatever the hell they do on that show), but I can kick off 2010 (better late than never) with my random musings on what I've been seeing on that little box we call TV.

*Spoilers*

Lost Oh dear, I've been along for this entire ride and I still have no idea what's going on. And not just on a large scale. Was anyone else curious last week when Sawyer had that engagement ring for Juliet? Was there a Kay Jewelers on the island?

The Bachelor When this show is good (Andrew Firestone season was the last good one, judge if you want to) it's good, and when it's bad it's reallllllly bad (What was worse, C-List Jerry O'Connell's brother or that fake prince?). You gotta give it up to ABC for hanging in there, though. It's gotta be in like the 100th season, and they are keeping it fresh by busting out so many producer orchestrated twists and turns that I am shamelessly hooked. Contestant kicked off for hooking up with a producer! Bachelor hates the contestants so much he can't even bring himself to give out all the roses! Contestant picks job over Jake!

Bring it. I'll be there for the final rose.


The Olympics Sorry, I'm all GO USA and such, but unless a skater gets clubbed in the knee, I just can't bring myself to care.

Ah, but I do care about tv. It's good to be back!

Globe Trotting

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, giving me some excitement to look forward to when the holidays are over. Set the DVR (or VCR, if you're super retro) for Sunday, January 17th on NBC (or maybe, by then, "Comcast-world TV").

Frankly, this can't come soon enough in terms of giving me something to do. I've been so submerged in creating the perfect holiday decor that I might be out Martha Stewart-ing Martha Stewart (seriously, did SHE pick pinecones out of her backyard for her latest holiday art project?). I don't want to say I'm overdoing it, but my boyfriend just nicknamed me the "Christmas hog".

Maybe it's time I actually got a job.

Anyhoo, the Globes are my fave! TV and Film, all in one place. Now, I'm at a disadvantage having not seen a lot of the movies yet. There was a glitch in shipping my free screeners and I'm too cheap to shell out the money to go to the theater so I'm a little behind.

The nominations give me pause, however, about the state of comedic films in America. Best Actress in a musical or comedy...Julia Roberts for DUPLICITY???? No offense to Jules, love the gal and all (who has seen Pretty Woman more than me? Anyone? Anyone?) and she was FINE in this movie, but the movie just kind of went nowhere and no one really saw it. This is the best they could come up with for this category?

And, I have admittedly not seen It's Complicated. I love Alec Baldwin. I love Meryl Streep. Steve Martin's pretty funny most of the time. So why do I feel like this movie sucks? Wasn't this also the name of that horrible Denise Richards show?

That can't be a good sign.

Hopefully the Globe voters have it right. Those mystical foreign press folks were at least smart enough to heap lots 'o praise on my old pal George Clooney.

Up in the Air is one movie I am sure does NOT suck.

Crouching Tiger

I don't necessarily want to jump on the "bash Tiger" bandwagon, so that means I can't make any 'hole in one' or 'catch a tiger by the tail' jokes. Too easy and, well...ew.

Plus, you can't blame the guy. I mean, he's spent years representing a company whose slogan is "Just Do It". He was just following orders!

Ok, sorry, I had to get one in.

Seriously, though, I just have to wonder, how did this guy pull this off for so long? And how many other 'role models' are leading double lives? There are some seriously douche-y dudes freaking out right now that they might be outed next.

And let's not leave out the ladies. I'm sure there are plenty of famous all-American gals out there who also have a few skeletons.

But, until the next scandal breaks, and the paparazzi move onto that feeding frenzy, only one question remains for me (well, besides the obvious "How the hell did he find time to play golf?" one)...Who will get the coveted post-scandal interview. Will it be...

-A teary apology with Babwa Walters?

-A frank discussion with Oprah?

-Maybe a man to man talk with Bob Costas?

I just beg you, Tiger, please no sudden 'sex addiction rehab' BS. This will just give bottom feeders like Drew Pinsky even more fodder and we both know the only reason you, ahem, allegedly cheated with so many women was because you can.

Tiger's people are no doubt trying to figure out the best sympathetic comeback role possible. I have no inside scoop, but I'm pretty sure it won't be a guest spot on Cougar Town.

Just a hunch.

Ho Ho Ho

ABC Family just kicked off their 25 days of Christmas programming block to help get you in the holiday spirit. Now, I certainly love this concept, because it's a guarantee to catch some of those gems that you look forward to every year.

HOWEVER....

To fill 25 days of holiday programming, you're bound to end up with some clunkers. So, while I'm pretty excited to revisit Frosty and Rudolph, what programming executive was in charge of...

Special Delivery Not only does the premise sound a bit like the plot of a Three's Company episode, ("When a sandwich delivery boy must help out his friend at the adoption agency, he misplaces the family's baby and must find a way to get the baby returned by Christmas") but it stars...Andy Dick???

Oh dear.













Holiday in Handcuffs Hmmm, well, this one has a certain cheese-tastic, uh, je ne sais quoi? It stars Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Hart. Any other info needed? I think not.













Snow 2 Brain Freeze It's important to note, THIS IS A SEQUEL (I'd hate for you to get lost lest there are plot intricacies the likes of Lost). At least it stars Tom Cavanaugh...though maybe a holiday themed "Scrubs" might've done the trick.

I'm thinking we've a got a slight case of quantity over quality here. Doh!

Fa la la la la la la la la....

Legally Bland

Dear Luke Wilson's agents,

Isn't Luke the 'hotter' brother? So....why the AT&T commercials?

Granted, after Old School and Legally Blonde, he's got some pretty random credits kicking around the IMDB database. Maybe I should've gone to see Jackass Number Two to show my support (was that really in theaters?).

But I didn't. I'm sorry.

Surely things can't be so bad, though, that he is forced to shill for AT&T?? I could almost forgive it if it was a clever spot, or even marginally stylish (you barely get a pass, Jennifer "Smartwater" Aniston), but this is just downright sad.

Who thought it was a good idea to dress Luke like your still-single-after-all-these-years uncle who teaches part time at community college? Seriously, he looks so bad in these spots that my boyfriend's mom glanced up at the tv when the ad was on and thought it was Beau Bridges.

Not good, people, not good.

Well, I hope you at least got Luke a free Iphone out of the deal...maybe even one that doesn't DROP CALLS every day!!!

Hmmm, that's probably too lofty of a goal. Let's just focus on lining up some meaty Oscar-worthy roles.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Just Me

A Little Gravy

Get ready, kids. 'Tis the season for every holiday themed special, movie, and surely a few 'very special' episodes of your favorite comedy or drama. Or both. I dare you to make it to January 1 without a glimpse of "Miracle on 34th Street", "Christmas Story" or "Christmas Vacation".



But wait a minute. Why does Thanksgiving always get the shaft?

Now OF COURSE, I'm not forgetting one of the greatest movies of ALL TIME, "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", but the pickings are slim after that. Soon, you might tune your flat screen to the annual Yule Log, but I am almost positive that on Thursday you won't gather by the warm glow of the Turkey-basting channel while you sing Thanksgiving carols.

But don't worry, mama's gotcha covered. I did some digging, tugged on a wishbone, and found you a little sampler platter of my favorite Turkey day classics to feed you with.

Will and Grace "A Moveable Feast" I love this episode. Will, Grace, Karen and Jack agree to go their respective families...for about 20 minutes each (complete with a timer). Admit it, a 20 minute limit on YOUR holiday gathering could do wonders to eliminate some of those Riunite-fueled fights over the remote on Thursday. Catch this way-funnier-than-your-Thanksgiving episode on Lifetime Tuesday night at 11pm.


Friends "The One Where Ross Got High" Friends is actually pretty good about actually DOING Thanksgiving eps, and this is the one where Rachel tries to make a trifle. There were many other funny ones to pick from, but Rachel accidentally combining meat and whipped cream when she thinks she is following a recipe faithfully sorta seems like something I would do, so this one's my pick. TBS at 5pm on Thursday


Cheers "Thanksgiving Orphans" This one's definitely worth catching (or at least DVR'ing - the only place I could find it is on the Hallmark channel at 2am on Friday) not just for the food fight at the end, but for a glimpse of Norm's mysterious wife, Vera...though her face is obscured in mashed potatoes. Aw, shucks.


Hope YOU are traveling to a place where everybody knows your name on Thursday.

Gobble, Gobble!

The Bitch is Back

No, not me silly! But, I've missed you, too.

Heather Locklear is back on Melrose Place. Let's party like it's 1999!

Hopefully, a little La Locklear can give a shot in the arm to this slowly dying series. I have only been mildly paying attention since its premiere, and I guess the producers know I'm not the only one. Every week's recaps go so far back you could start watching today and you will be caught up in 90 seconds (which BTW doesn't speak too well of the intricacies of the plot).

The premiere Heather Locklear ep of the NEW (but let's face it, not necessarily improved) Melrose had its highs and lows.

The Highs: God bless her for still pulling off those miniskirts at almost 50. In a related story, I am totally investigating Pilates tomorrow, and never eating carbs again.

And, she's still pulling off those icy zingers like she used to and it's still just as ridiculously cheesy. And as fun.

The Lows: Oh dear, Heather. Methinks you dipped into Meg Ryan's world just a wee bit. It's not the worst alleged plastic surgery I've seen, but that face is looking a little suspiciously poufy in some of the wrong places.

Extra unfortunate that the first commercial break right outta Heather's big debut was for the movie "Old Dogs".

Meow.

Falcon's Crest

I actually get very irritated when people say "I hate reality shows", because, well, some of 'em have paid my rent over the years. But, I shouldn't get angry, because what they really mean is they hate the shows starring those "famous for being famous" freaks that, unfortunately, have taken over my celeb fashion + gossip magazines.

Now, when I was a little kid I must admit I dreamed of fame, but not today's TMZ-ish "Look! She's blowing her nose in the airport!" type of notoriety. Nope, things were so innocent then. I just wanted to maybe belt out some tunes on stage and perhaps get to meet John Travolta.

Boy, dreams change.

Now, every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to be 'famous' and is dying to get on a reality show. Everyone's got one. I mean, how many more ideas are left? America's top mattress salesman is probably being pitched somewhere as we speak.

So it was no surprise when it came out that Richard Heene's faux balloon launch of son Falcon turned out to be his angle to get on tv. This was Richard's big ticket to ride the fame whore bandwagon. If this idiot's life long dream was to get a show on cable, good for him, but did he really have to drag his 6 year old down with him?

I was pretty incredulous watching Richard in interviews last week, trotting out the whole fam and soldiering on through the questions as Falcon puked into a bowl on live tv. Poor little Falcon. I know how you feel, buddy; I threw up in my mouth a little, too. And ironically, Richard probably got more fame juice out of this little stunt than he ever could've dreamed up, but just remember...

Everything that goes up, must come down. To think, a smart scientist like you forgot about the laws of gravity.

Pu Pu Platter

I mean, I bitched all summer about having nothing to watch. It was seriously the dregs. A re-run of Oprah picked up by my DVR was actually described as follows: "Dr. Mehmet Oz answers viewers' questions about bike seats, hot tubs and tight pants.".

Obviously, times have been tough, so I was pretty psyched that all the new programming was finally hitting the airwaves.

But, being the über busy gal I am, I had to have kind of a quickie cram session to catch last week's new stuff. It went something like this:

As painful as it was, I forced myself to zip through the premiere of The View co-hosted by Kate Gosselin. That is, until Kate said to Victoria Beckham something like "Oh, your marriage made it to ten years, unlike mine.". Um, yeah, you guys are the same.

DVR - Delete.

Then, it was onto Oprah's interview with Whitney, who now inexplicably is starting to sound like Marge Simpson. Stuck with that until the "Bobby Brown spit in my face" portion.

Delete.

Not really a Jay Leno person (go Team Dave!) but I had to at least watch the premiere in the interest of journalistic integrity. Ok, fine, he lucked out with Kanye West and even got him to cry. And Jerry Seinfeld would be hilarious reading the phone book. But basically, this is just the same show, earlier time...no thanks.

Delete.

So when I realized Sunday night contained the Emmy's, Mad Men AND Curb Your Enthusiasm, well, it became another DVR feeding frenzy.

**Spoilers**

But then all of my Emmy faves kept losing. Bupkis for Tina Fey? Or Julia Louis Dreyfus? Or Tracey Morgan? Or Neil Patrick Harris? Or Jack McBrayer? Or Elisabeth Moss? Or Jon Hamm? Really?

Delete.

To the Nines

It's 09/09/09 and all I can think about is the 90's. What does that mean? Do I need to run out and get a lottery ticket?

Well, the new Melrose premiered last night and I approached it with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Would this remix bring me back to the days when I loved clunky shoes and could drink till all hours in smoky bars on a work night and still wake up fresh and perky?

Um, not really.

Now, to be fair, I watched a bit exhausted after a day of juggling a new job AND the symptoms of a possible case of swine flu. But, from what I could tell within my delirium, this is not your mama's Melrose.

*SPOILERS*
I mean, sure, it's fun to see old pals Sydney and Michael (seriously, what facial products DO they use???), and it wasn't exactly a secret that Syd turns up dead in ep one. But turning Melrose into a season long murder mystery, which is where it seems to be headed, just doesn't do it for me. I don't CARE who killed her because I don't know any of these new people!

I'm going to give it a few episodes just to be sure I'm not writing it off too quick, but I'm sorry, I want what I want, and I want D&D Advertising back. I want Frisco Jones Dr. Peter Burns to perform ridiculous operations. Bring back Billy's awesomely wooden performances. (I always loved,BTW, how he was a combo account guy and creative at the ad agency. Seems like he could've made enough cash to have a bigger apartment with that big job.)

But, of course, no one had a bigger job than land lady/ad agency guru/world ruler Amanda Woodward! Melrose, get SPECIAL GUEST STAR Heather in there stat! Is that too much to ask?

I know, I know, you can't go home again. I should give the NEW Melrose a chance. I'm trying. I guess I just want the OLD 90's back.

Jerry, you're up next. Don't let me down.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Damn you Larry David! Now I have to suck it up and add HBO back to my recession-era downgraded cable. Guess it's a good time for me to catch up on Entourage, too.

Why, you ask? In case you haven't heard, the cast of Seinfeld is reuniting on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and over five luscious episodes, we'll get to follow Larry's show within a show as he attempts to stage, well, a Seinfeld reunion.

Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of those shows that I should watch but don't, like Rescue Me or 24. But since I'm pretty sure Jack Bauer won't cross paths with Jerry as he saves the world, I think I'll keep my late game bandwagon jumping to just this.

It's not a moment too soon, either. This has been the most boring tv summer I can remember, plus, I need to step away from the internet. All of my facebook-ing and symptom-searching on Google (do you have any idea how many things can be wrong with you if you type in fatigue?) has really cut into my tv viewing in a major way.

But Fall is just around the corner, which means there are other shows to get excited about, too! Most of these will be canceled right around the time I start to love them. That's usually the way it goes. A few to consider anyway:

Melrose Place Because, well, it's Melrose Place. Rumors abound that Heather Locklear's Amanda Woodward will return, but for now I'll be content with Sydney, Jane, Michael and even annoying Jo.

Accidentally on Purpose Jenna Elfman is a thirty-something who ends up preggers from a twenty-something. Chaos ensues! Now, I've never been a huge Jenna Elfman fan, but this looks mildly funny, like a season long "Knocked Up". Of course, on the downside, can this plot really hold up after season 1? I mean, how many "would rather hit the kegger but gotta feed the baby" jokes can it milk? Not so sure. Original Melrose alum Grant Show (Jake) is also a big part of it, so there's that.

The Good Wife Julianna Margulies is the wife of a disgraced politician, and is trying to rebuild her life. The cast includes both Chris Noth AND Josh Charles.

Done and Done. DVR season pass, check!

This should tide you over until at least Festivus.

Don't You (Forget About Me)

The work-a-holic-ness continues, thus, so does the blog neglect (whimper), but I certainly couldn't let this week go by without mentioning how sad I am about the passing of John Hughes.

Perhaps by now, you've seen plenty of 'best of' statuses from fellow Facebookers or articles recalling some of your favorite quotes:

Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

Demented and sad, but social.

His name is Blane? That a major appliance, not a name!

John Hughes, in his prime, was so important that the professor of my Human Development course at Umass screened "The Breakfast Club" in class as part of an overall analysis of high school archetypes. Of course, he could've just been a lazy teacher who loved movies, but I think he was right on to include it as part of our studies. Don't we all feel a little Molly Ringwald-ish at some point in our teens?

(Yes guys, this means you, too!)

With John Hughes' death, and my TWENTIETH high school reunion looming large before me, I am feeling oldie-olderson and super 80's nostalgic. I miss my hair being kind of awesomely huge. And I kind of want to chuck my Ipod for an Iroc. Too bad I begrudgingly threw out my Z. Cavaricci's years ago. My butt looked so good in those pants.

Hollywood is feelin' the 80's love, too. Though St. Elmo's Fire was not a John Hughes creation, it was certainly from that era, and word on the street is it's coming to ABC as a dramedy. When I heard this, I felt a mixture of glee and horror, sort of how I feel about the upcoming Melrose remix. I mean, with Melrose, there's the good (Sydney and Michael are back!), and bad (Ashlee Simpson as part of the cast? Really?).

I am remaining optimistic that St. Elmo's 2.0 could be sort of great, and now I kind of want to go on a Brat Pack bender of rentals. Bet you do, too.

Well, as usual, I digress. I just miss the 80's. And now I miss you, John Hughes. Thank you for making teen angst awesome.



We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Hello kiddies!

Greetings from work-a-holic land! Do you feel neglected? Think I've forgotten about you? It isn't so. But for the duration of the summer, I am work, work, work-ing round the clock on a TLC show (so guess I'll table the Jon + Kate comments for now so as not to piss off the network that feeds me) and I've had no time for blogging.

But I've been thinking of you! A free association rundown of stuff that's popped into my head over the past month.

Michael Jackson I know my girl Oprah has been on vaca (thus the thousands of re-runs my DVR keeps picking up that are the same two themes: "How to live in the recession" and "How to look younger/thinner") but seriously, she couldn't come back from whatever castle she's staying at to do a show on MJ's passing? I know what you're thinking, do we really need any more coverage? CNN is already ALL MJ ALL THE TIME. But still...you just know she's coming back from holiday with Michael's besties rounded up. And I mean the big ones - Liz Taylor, Macaulay Culkin, that Webster kid...if I know O, it's gonna look like the set of the next Surreal Life.

I kinda can't wait. I know it's wrong.

Kate Winslet This is probably super old news, but I keep stumbling into these quotes and articles where Kate says how pissed she is that magazines airbrush her because she wants to keep it real.

Dear Magazine Editors, if I should ever become famous for some reason, please feel free to airbrush the crap out of me. Go nuts! Not interested in looking real whatsoever. xoxo Krista

What Not to Watch Man oh man, I mean, I know I've been busy, but there is NOTHING on. Nothing. I turned on 5 minutes of "Miami Social" on Bravo and it was the 5 most annoying, whiny moments in tv history. Don't go there, not even if you're a fan of that girl from the Apprentice that has surfaced on this show. And now that other Apprentice alum, Bill Rancic, and his wife, Giuliana (from E!) are doing a Newlyweds-ish show on Style?

Good luck kids. Hope the divorce lawyer is on speed dial.

Glimmers of Hope Only a few weeks till Mad Men. And, this week I'll at least be entertained by tuning in to the last 15 minutes of "The Bachelorette" just to see the most shocking whatever ever, even though I haven't watched for 95% of the season and even though NO WAY is that girl hot enough to have all those dudes fighting over her.

Speaking of desperation, should I watch "More to Love", the Bachelor for the plus sized?

Yeah, maybe it's best I'm too busy working on tv to actually watch it.

Hill of Beans

Dearest Hollywood, why do you have such a problem with Boston accents? You can pull off that British thing, no prob. I would swear Gwyneth was a Brit (though her pal Madonna...not so much, but I digress).

Yep, in general, other accents don't seem to give you much trouble. Ralph Fiennes was super scary in Schindler's list, and from what I can gather, his accent was spot on.

Ed "I'm Chuck Bass" Westwick rocks an American accent with ease on Gossip Girl, even though he's a Brit.

But the Boston wanna be's? They just can't do it. I just saw this trailer and was troubled once again:



Leo, Leo, Leo. I heart you, really, I do. But like many who have come before you, you cannot pull off the Boston accent. When I watch this trailer for Shutter Island, I...um, well...I shutter. It's like Robin Williams trying to match Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting and it's just not right. Unfortunately, only Matt Damon sounds Matt Damon-ish, and really, he and only a handful of other actors can do the Boston thing. This means Hollywood's hiring pool is sorta limited to Damon, Affleck and Marky Mark.

I'm not even going to get into all those David E. Kelly shows.

Surely, I must be wrong. Have I left out other proven candidates for future Boston-based movies or tv shows that won't come off sounding like Kennedy's on crack? Discuss as you pahk yawr cah.

Now pass the chowdah.

Sleepy Time

I truly wanted to love Hammertime, the latest reality show that premiered last night on A&E. And yes, this was about MC Hammer himself, but not really in the "Where are they now/Behind the music-ish" way you might hope.

Sure there are the obligatory trips down memory lane to Hammer's former fame and fortune, like when spring cleaning results in "finding" some old memorabilia (really, Hammertime producers? Can you maybe stretch those creative muscles a teensy bit more?).

But the thing about Hammertime is that nothing really happens. Like, NOTHING. You know it's a bad sign when the first 10 minutes of the premiere are basically about the search for Hammer's missing cell phone...which is really just a plot machination to set up the reason for the spring cleaning, which is REALLY just to set up the reason to find the memorabilia. Sigh. I've been doing this way, way too long.

While one would hope there would be more heartfelt chatter about his past, like, how he blew through millions of dollars, instead there seems to be no end in sight to the endless opportunities to milk his catch phrases...i.e. "What time is it?". Crinnnnnnnnnge.

The other objective of this series seems to be to show the world that MC is super dad, which is great, except for the fact that it's just all rainbows and unicorns and happy all the time! Even the Brady Bunch had Marcia getting socked in the nose by that football once in awhile, ya know? On Hammertime, sure, there's a kid with some slipping grades, but it's all fixed and tied up with a bow by the end of the episode. Yawn.

MC Hammer aka Stanley Burrell seems like a nice enough fellow, so I wish him well. And I think those pants were kind of nifty.

But I'm sorry, as for the show...I just can't touch this.

She Works Hard for the Money

Dear Brooke Shields,

Please fire your agent. I'm sorry Lipstick Jungle tanked, cuz I actually sort of liked it. Or maybe you're pissed you have to play Miley's MOM in Hannah Montana, but are things so bad that you had to make these Latisse commercials?

Now, I'm not against you doing commercials per se. I think your Coppertone commercials serve an important skin care purpose, and I've almost gotten past those weird Volkswagen commercials you did, but Latisse??

For those of you who haven't seen these ads, please indulge me and click here.

So, Latisse is some kind of freaky goop to rub on your eyelids that will (allegedly) grow fuller and darker lashes. Is this a void that needed to be filled in the marketplace? And before I get the letters from the sick people with no eyelashes, I'm not talking about people who've lost their eyelashes from disease. Nope. This is Brooke Shields, who lost them from years of tough-love beauty crap, like ripping off false eyelashes, and this ad is OBVIOUSLY targeted at the Botox generation. Plus, I mean, how is this not a Saturday Night Live skit?

After the voice-over chick ran down all the ways you might screw up your eyes from using this crap, I was waiting for her to caution that you might grow a leathery tail.

And I love how in this ad, Brooke is like at a party now because she has longer eyelashes, which is about as relevant as those herpes commercials where the couples are dancing on the beach and kayaking.

I've never quite understood how that works.

Also, why is she dancing with some dude that's not her husband? Is that her new and improved eyelash hubby?

As usual, I digress. Meanwhile, in other weird celeb endorsement news...

What's up with the fake kids in the Marcia Cross commercial for Mott's? It's like they all had their hair dyed the same L'Oreal Red #6. Although I am quite sure Marcia's lovely in real life, let's be honest - she always plays the crazies. Is this really who Mott's wants pretending to be all earth mother-y in their spots?

Maybe she should've been shilling for nuts.

Pain Aid

I refuse to write about the will-they-or-won't-they shenanigans of Spencer and Heidi on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!

It's not that I'm against some breezy summer tv, but I just can't let myself be lured into this unwatchable dreck AGAIN. And so, I don't care if Speidi come(s) back (Does one refer to plural grammar rules when referring to Speidi? I'm not sure. I digress...). With Speidi out of the picture for me, I've gone in search of some real summer-lovin'.

Tomorrow marks the debut of Royal Pains on USA. I am going to check it out. Maybe you should, too.

It stars Mark Feuerstein. He's one of THOSE actors, the kind that you know you've seen somewhere, but you're not sure where. To me, he'll always be the guy I used to see almost every morning at the Coffee Bean in West Hollywood. He seemed like a nice enough fellow, and once, when he was sitting at the next table from me as I was trying to be all cool Hollywood writer-ish with my laptop, I overheard his entire conversation and he was being really, really nice and helpful to some wanna-be actor. From that I've always decided he is nice and deserves our support. Plus, he was always smiley and unpretentious and from what I can remember, he used to shuffle in wearing pajama pants.

One the other hand, in researching this little ditty, I discovered he named his child Frisco Jones, so I do wonder about his sanity. Frisco JONES...as in the rocker/spy General Hospital Jack Wagner character. Is this really true? I need to know. Some might say it's ALL I NEED.

Wink, wink.






Anyhoo...the show looks harmless and fun and certainly worth a look. Plus, it's got Campbell Scott, who I haven't seen since the premature cancellation of Six Degrees. I'm glad he's on it, but is it just me or does he always get cast as a douche? Is douche an acceptable literary term? So many questions, so little time.

You can check out a clip below. Royal Pains premieres Thursday night on USA.