The Golden Nuggets

Help Wanted

Oh Ricky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Ricky!!

All the trades today are saying Golden Globe host Ricky Gervais is dunzo for his skewering of everyone from Bruce Willis (who he introduced as "Ashton's dad") to Charlie Sheen with his easy, obvious jokes about Charlie's affection for porn stars.

Why is everyone so uptight and upset about this?

He's a freakin' comedian, people.  Relax.  Your parents laughed when Don Rickles did it back in the day.  What, you haven't ever laughed at the bizarro world that is Demi-Bruce-Ashton?  And even Charlie Sheen laughs at his own expense...uh, have you seen Two and a Half Men?  Pretty sure you have, since it's one of CBS's top cash cows.

Anyhoo, who cares about any of that really.  I'm just here to make like we're both on the red carpet and call it like I see it.

The Good  Seriously Halle Berry.  Just tell me.  Do you drink the blood of virgins?  Surely you've never eaten a bagel, not even one of those super thin less carb ones.  How. Do. You. Do. It?  I will buy your workout video, your diet book, anything.  Name it.  Just let the less genetically gifted in on your secret. Please?

Emma Stone.  I haven't seen "Easy A" (seriously?  this looked to be a rental at best but ok Hollywood Foreign Press....) but from your little coral number to your newly blonded hair, I see some big things for you.

Katey Sagal.  Another one! I'll have what she's having! Peg Bundy, are you seeing Demi's plastic surgeon?  And what is his name?  I must friend him on Facebook.

The Bad  Angie, oh Angie.  In the beginning, I sort of got how your other-worldly beauty could steal away Brad from America's sweetheart.  But lately,  you just look frail and sad and kind of mortal, especially when the cameras caught you touching up your lipgloss (and I swear it was some common brand like Clinique) and then they caught you again fixing Brad's tie.  You are better than this - you are princess Angelina! Last night you kinda just looked like a nervous chick at her prom.

Or maybe a prom chaperone.

Sandra Bullock!  What were you thinking??? I love you like, all the time, but those Cousin It bangs have gots to go.

The really, really ugly C'mon, Helena Bonham Carter.  That weird dirty hair schtick is kind of over now.  You too, Tilda - you scare the crap out of me. Hit the beach and stop channeling ET.

Favorite moments of the night Like millions across the country, my fiance was sure Diane Warren was Liza Minnelli.

He was also sure Annette Bening stuck her finger in a bug zapper to get that hair.  And why the glasses?  I know they're sort of hip and vogue if you were playing the part of a magazine editor in a movie, but you're at the Golden Globes with Warren Beatty.  Maybe put in your contacts.

And that's all the news that's fit to print....