Dance Fever

*SPOILERS*

I've got a bit of dance on the brain, and not just cuz EVERY network seems to have a dance show: Dancing with the Stars, America's Best Dance Crew, So You Think You Can Dance, Your Mama Don't Dance and of course, Step It Up and Dance.

It's important you say that last one as botoxed zombie host Elizabeth Berkley says it, Step it up ANNNNNNNNNND Dance. (Do you even KNOW how much will power it took for me to take the high road and not post a Showgirls pic??)

I have dance on the brain because I saw A Chorus Line for the first time this weekend (with Mario Lopez, natch) and realized Step it up and Dance is basically (duh) kind of just a weekly real life version of this very show. Ok, a reality show real life, but real-iSH.

And I felt the same heartbreak when the fictional auditioners in A Chorus Line got cut as I did when I watched real life Oscar get eliminated this week because the producers kept Michael for drama on Step it up and Dance. I mean, ANNNNND Dance.

Now, I have already mentioned in the interest of full disclosure that I have met Oscar, but, bias aside...there were some sketchy machinations going on. Like, what a co-WINK-ee-dink that the 4 dancers on the winning team went boy girl boy girl...just as the dance number required.

And I appreciate that Jason Alexander has this whole other dance-related life unrelated to Seinfeld, but A) let's be honest, the whole time you were watching you kept thinking, WHAT is George Costanza doing here? and B) if he was not there in a voting capacity then why have him?

Finally, while I continue to cry FOUL at the Damn Yankees challenge that sent dear Oscar home, on the Bravo site, you can vote for who YOU think should've gone home. Now, I admit my computer is so old, it's practically the one from the 1984 Apple commercial, but when I tried to vote for Michael as the loser...it didn't work.

Bravo web people, now it's time for YOU to do some fancy footwork.

Run for your Life

My Ipod is about as schizo as it gets. Sharing the same drive space you'll find Ray Charles, Eminem, and Springsteen right next to Whitney, Madonna and Elton.

But my heart just belongs to those sugary ballads. I admit it. Even better when they're the 'rock' power ballads.

This has not changed much since I was aching over unrequited love in high school to "Every Rose Has its Thorn". This song is sooooooo true, adolescent me would lament, pre-blog (hell, pre-computer) days, in my diary.

What's even more embarrassing is that when running at the gym, I sometimes listen to these songs, too. Sure, I also load up with a fair amount of Big Beat driven cheese (who DOESN'T embrace a little Britney when trying to kick it up 'hills' on the treadmill), but while the hot dude next to me has likely got a little Kanye in his ear, it's just as likely I am running full steam to some ridiculously sad song...aching over unrequited love (well, that and my knees...running is hard.).

And now those damn American Idol jerks have chosen to not make my latest inspiration for dorkiness, David Cook's oh-so-romantic reinvention of Neil Diamond's song, All I Really Need is You, available for purchase on Itunes...unless you want the VIDEO.

I am a loser, but not THAT bad.

So now I'm stuck, tethered to YouTube to listen to this song, until someone comes to their senses. C'mon, Itunes + American Idol co-marketers, I need me some David Cook to cool down to!

Please add my song. There are miles of schmaltz to go before I sleep.

The Moppet Shows

Remember in the 80's when the solution to any show's sagging ratings was adding a cute kid? Like that bowl-cutted one on Family Ties? (Remember how he aged from zygote to 5 year old in like 1 season? That was big in the 80's, too.)

How come shows don't do this anymore? Like, maybe the new Bionic Woman would've had a Season 2 if they'd added a Bionic Baby. Or a Bionic 5 Year old.



What about that kid Fonzie adopted at the end of Happy Days? Was that super weird or just me?











And then there's Raven Symoné. Before she was SO Raven, she was so Olivia, the cute new kid on Cosby. Raven's done a tad better than the Happy Days kid. Wikipedia claims she made 400 million from That's So Raven merchandise.

Take THAT Miley Cyrus.

Raven used to shoot on the same lot where I worked a few years ago. I kinda wish I'd gotten to know her and her 400 million bucks. Especially since I just charged cheese.

Wow. 400 Million. It's A Different World where I come from...

Pride and Prejudice

When I saw that Neil Diamond was going to be on American Idol, I had to call my dad.

"Do you watch American Idol?" I asked.

"I don't watch those types of shows," he replied with, dare I say, contempt?

"What type of shows?"

"REALITY shows," he said, same revulsion in his voice.

"Have you ever seen it?"

"No." he said...quietly.

And so herein lies the struggle of reality shows...there are sooooo many stupid So You Wanna Be My Baby Daddy's Dance Partner-type shows that it ruins it for the good ones.

And it scares people like my Dad from watching a show I just know he would really LOVE.

Well, he would love it when they do Neil Diamond or Andrew Lloyd Webber songs. Any type of serious rock, well, he thinks it's called Rap and he calls it "garbage".

Anyhoo, I'm not sure if he watched, but most of it was right up his alley. Unfortunately, adding fuel to the fire that reality shows are wacky...Paula Abdul went a little haywire and somehow offered up a critique of a contestant before he actually performed. That was uncomfortable...or prophetic, depending on your point of view. The negative feedback she gave Jason Castro (albeit before he sang his song) was spot on.



American Idol Live TV Car Crash Moment: 1 Credibility: 0

Well, maybe my dad is right. Maybe I SHOULD stop watching reality shows.

And besides, if I want to see premonitions...I can start watching Medium.

Swept Away

I love this time of year. The flowers are starting to bloom. Children can practically taste summer vacation.

And the networks are pulling out all the stops to lure in viewers for sweeps.

It wasn't even on my mind until I saw this Oprah promo for some of her upcoming episodes hitting the small screen in May:

5/1: The Sex and the City cast will be on to discuss the upcoming movie. Now, I have no idea if they'll address the rumors about Big dying in the movie, but I do hope they talk about why his eyebrows are looking more manicured than the lawn at Charlotte's former country house with Trey.

5/2 AND 5/5: Tom Cruise is returning, his first visit since he jumped the Scientology shark his couch-jumping incident. Among other things, his appearance is a thinly veiled infomercial to convince us all that he is not an alien to celebrate his 25 years in films (anyone else feel old due to that statement?).


5/6: Barbara Walters is going to be on, too, dishing about her long career. The sound bite on the ad alluded to some scandalous affair that almost derailed Walters' career.

I can only hope and pray it was not an affair with Al Reynolds.

Aw, heck, it's sweeps time. I kinda hope it is.

Cry Me a River...of Dreams

*SPOILERS*

Ok, so I've been sort of a fair-weather American Idol fan up to now.

Each week, I've basically been just watching elimination night for the most part, forwarding through just to see the recaps + the see-ya-later video, but Wednesday night was a wake up call.

Live TV is totally awesome.

Finding out in a recap that my favorite, Brooke White, choked up and had to re-start on Tuesday's show is just not as impactful as watching it live. And, yes, yes, even though seeing it in recap form still made me tense up and get teary eyed like some 16 year old dork who thinks she failed her chemistry final (flashback! flashback!), I kinda wished I hadn't cheated and skipped ahead.

Annnyway, Brooke slid through, and I think it's because America is clearly falling for the same my-god-this-sweet-and-innocent-thing-must-be-an-act-but-oh-my-god-she-actually-IS-this-genuine thing that, if it really IS fake, has got me hook, line, and singer.

Er, I mean sinker.

And no offense, CARLY, I know you had to take the fall this week, but I'm not really going to miss your is-it-Irish?-is-it-Fargo?-accented singing.

The Name Game

TV People spend a heck of a lot of time sweating what their shows are going to be named. Just recently, I ranted about the green-a-palooza that is Planet Green. With the onslaught of new programming announcements, I took another spin to see some of the best (and worst).

Oh boy... there are some good ones.

On TLC, there's "This is Why You're Single", which is what my friends say to me once a week an intervention show for long-time singles.

On Animal Planet, "Stray to Hey" is about abandoned stray dogs who get new homes after getting a makeover. Wait, WHAT? Dogs getting a makeover? God I love that title, but if Carson Kressley is involved I am going to be concerned.

I actually should start watching Animal Planet. They already have "Escape to Chimp Eden" and "Groomer Has It". I have no idea what these shows are about, but the names alone are like, totally awesome.

Now, when I read in Variety that "Would You Rather" was a newly announced show hosted by Howie Mandel "where people have to decide between two equally unpleasant options", imagine my dismay.

"Would You Rather" is NOT a Bachelor-style dating show starring Dan Rather as the name would suggest.

Damn... and here I was hoping Dan might be our new Rock of Love.

Today Sweeps Me On My Feet

The Today Show announced the arrival of the four horsemen of the apocalypse that First Lady Laura Bush is guest-hosting an hour of the show next week.

This is how they ramp up to sweeps? By furthering some legacy-preserving agenda of the Bush administration? Besides, let's not pretend to be news-y, Today Show producers. Not when "Battle of the wines: Boxed vs. bottled" is an actual headline of a segment on your show.






While I'm ranting, isn't it about time that Al Roker stop intro'ing every local weather report with "That's what's going on around the country..." Dude says this no matter WHAT they are coming out of. It's really weird. Surely I can't be the only one who notices this? I mean, it makes sense when he actually gives the weather...around the country, but when he is talking about, say, lightbulbs, maybe he should mix it up a bit.

I'm just saying.

At least I'm excited for "Where in the World is...Matt Lauer". I do love that catchy little theme song. But, where in the world is The Today Show I used to love?!

Get Lost

*SPOILERS*

It's no secret I have commitment issues. I can't stick with shows like "The Biggest Loser" because it's too much WORK. All those hours to watch people cry and run up hills with, like, cement blocks strapped to them is just too much. So, even though I watched the first few eps of "The Biggest Loser: Couples" this season, I kinda gave up.

But I love me some tear-jerkin' finale.

So, I DVR'd said finale and had all of these random thoughts as I watched while eating Ritz crackers slathered in cream cheese for dinner because that's all that's in my fridge besides some old mayonnaise and those soy sauce packets that come with sushi:

-Am I going to get hate mail if I admit I thought, 'would it kill Alison Sweeney to do some tricep exercises to host this show'?

-Why does that lady Bette-Sue wear bifocals 24/7 like she's about to grade my english mid-term?

-Is trainer Bob wearing an ascot?!

-When I see a shot of a contestant shoveling in food in a 'before' video, it's pretty hard not to picture the producer saying, "can you just take ONE more bite of the hoagie?"

-Am I actually crying because that dude with the faux-hawk lost 136 pounds?

OK, TWO freaking hours of build up for that Ali chick to win a quarter of a million bucks and to be the "first woman in Biggest Loser history to win" and they roll credits before she gets to talk?

Now THAT is the biggest loser thing to do of all.

Detoxing in the E.R.

*SPOILERS*

I may have overdone it this weekend. I may have O.D.'d on reality TV.

Though I've only watched the Real World sporadically over the years (Seattle & Hawaii spring to mind), I decided to watch the 20th anniversary reunion special on MTV. What can I tell you..it was a weekend. I followed up that ditty with the finale of Rock of Love.

Now, there were moments of good in both. As far as the Real World Special, I totally cried at the Pedro Zamora flashbacks. And, on Rock of Love, I'm so happy the producers Bret picked Ambre instead of that tranny-looking mess, Daisy.

Now here's the bad. The Real World special was largely a big giant party filled with Real World alums getting trashed and fighting with each other. Imagine if you brought a video camera to a kegger in college and watched it back the next day - it might be funny to you...not so funny to anyone else.

Except here a lot more people are closer to 40 than 20 and it's supposed to be entertainment. It wasn't. It was a lot of yelling and bleeped out expletives...which was exactly what I grew tired of on Rock of Love (well, that and Bret in a tank top...give it up dude, or lay off the Fritos and beer).

And so I'm just so glad E.R. is back. It's a much needed tonic for what ails me. I know, I know, we've talked about this - you don't watch it. But, let me tell you, if this show premiered for the first time NOW and it wasn't season 112 14, you'd totally be all, Did you SEE that new hospital show?!
It's not your mother's E.R. It's grittier and much more layered than in the days when we all just watched to swoon over Clooney.

Plus, as an added bonus, I discovered two new songs they played during the episode that were simply stellar. You MUST check out Duffy's version of "Mercy". This chick's the next Amy Winehouse, for sure. And James Carrington's "Ache" was equally awesome.

Anyway, I'm just so glad the new dramas are back. I've been watching so much reality TV that all the fights and yelling were making me feel...icky.

Plus, if I'm really jonesing for some violence, I'll just wait for LOST to come back.

Green is Good

So we all know by now that it's an inconvenient truth that the environment's gonna go to hell if we don't all start pitching in and do our share. And so I think it's great Hollywood is doing their part by driving around in those teeny weeny little cars and hanging out with Al Gore. Really, I do.

And so it would follow that I think it's great that Discovery is launching their 24-hour eco-lifestyle television network, Planet Green. I'm all for it. I'm drinking my water out of a non-plastic container next to one of those curvy looking lightbulbs as we speak. Go environment!!!

However...

My dear, dear marketing/programming execs may have overdone it when they decided to come up with all the shows to fill this channel's new lineup. Here's a random sampling: Greenovate, The Green Life, Greensburg, World's Greenest Homes, and Mean Green Machines.

Tom Green has a show. No, I'm not making this up. And somewhere, Pink is kicking herself.

It's like their entire slate came from one of those meetings where everyone, including the day-one interns, has a few drinks and you get to shout out all your ideas and someone sticks them all up on a wall.

Maybe they went a little overboard. They maybe didn't have to pick them all.

Like Hollywood Green with Maria Menounos. The concept? It's an entertainment magazine series about celebs making "green" news headlines. Imagine it now....Scott Baio just used an eco-friendly diaper on his baby! Jennifer Aniston just wiped her mouth with a recyclable paper towel! Exclusive! George Clooney just returned a Coke can!

And for those rare shows without green in the title...well boy, they sure ran out of steam. "Tom Brokaw Specials" is, as you might imagine, described in the press as... a series of specials hosted by Tom Brokaw.

I am kind of excited though. I will totally tune in when they create Green's Anatomy.

Baby Steps

You know, truth be told, I'll take a great big heart-tugging drama over a reality show any day, but I do think people are too quick to pass judgment on reality shows and assume they're all exploitive pieces of trash (or in the case of my parents, that all 'reality' shows involve dares to get people to eat live bugs...is Fear Factor even still on? Wasn't George Clooney's girlfriend on that show? Do I actually have this much ADD that I am digressing this much inside the parentheses?).

Anyhoo, tick tock, as we await the return of the post-strike juggernaut of programming like Grey's Anatomy, 30 Rock, and Lost, I've stumbled upon a few reality jems.

First, over on Bravo, I really got into the premiere of Step It Up and Dance. Now, full disclosure, I must admit I not only recently met contestant Oscar but also actually watched the premiere at his apartment, however, "Step It Up and Dance" is like, really, really fun TV!
First, the timing for the show is perfect: dancing hasn't been this big since Patrick Swayze took Baby out of a corner in 1987.
Second, it's still got a little freak factor. Watching Elizabeth Berkley on that show, well, I can't possibly say it any better than NY Times writer Ginia Bellafante: "Ms. Berkley looks as if a rolling pin has been applied to her forehead, intimidating into fearful compliance any wrinkle that might labor to emerge".
And finally, it's freaking Fame-worthy fun! What a feelin'...oh, wait, it's Flashdance-worthy fun! Watch it on Thursdays at 10p on Bravo and root along with me for Oscar.

Next, I watched a full on marathon Saturday night of High School Reunion on TV Land (is it really any wonder why I'm single?). I watched seriously like 7 episodes. Basically, these genius casting people found the most perfect high school archetypes ever from the class of 1987 and shoved them all in a house for like 2 weeks to get them to hook up, then set the whole thing to 80's music. What else does one need? You can jump on the bandwagon, too. It's cheesy, it's fluff, and...it's not too late. The finale is on Wed at 10 on TV Land.

Finally, MTV's got Rock the Cradle (also Thurs at 10, so if you're jumping on my Step it Up bandwagon, there's Tivo-ing involved). Offspring of celeb singers (real celebs for the most part, not too many punchlines save for MC Hammer) compete in an American Idol-like sing off each week. Lucy Walsh (daughter of Joe Walsh) is the one to beat, while Chloe Lattanzi (daughter of Olivia Newton-John) clearly needs mental health counseling on a Britney size level. Her face is screwed up in a really really big, Meg Ryan-Lara Flynn Boyle-Melanie Griffith sort of way, and this young thing is like 22! Get this girl out of the spotlight, stat!

No live bugs were harmed in the making of any of these shows...as far as I know.

Separated at Birth...Bachelor Edition!

Sienna Miller and that chick Shayne whose dad is Lorenzo Lamas:

One is notorious for a broken engagement to a famous actor that cheated on her with a nanny.
One will become notorious for a broken engagement if the Bachelor proposes.

















Holly and Lynn-Holly Johnson.


One is contestant trapped in a time warp rocking the "Rachel" haircut.
One is an actress/ice skater trapped in a time warp in our heads as the star of cult classic Ice Castles.















Erin S. and Eva Mendes:

One is a contestant perhaps best known for her occupation as a hot dog vendor.
One is an actress perhaps best known for...aw, hell, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.










Bonus Round!
Ok, this has nothing to do with the Bachelor, but the dudes need to represent.


Doug Savant, who plays the husband on Desperate Housewives (ok Matt Fielding on Melrose) and that dude on the new Battlestar Galactica:

One's made a career out of playing second banana on quirky soaps.
One's made a career out of...oh, how the hell do I know? I'm a GIRL. If I'm home watching the Sci-fi Channel, well, that would make me single FOREVER!!!!
Happy April Fool's Day.

She Moves in Mysterious Ways

*SPOILERS*
My descent into (tv credibility) hell rolls on as I continue to worship everything that is Rock of Love.

This past week's episode was genius: Bret brought in the remaining trannies' contestants' exes to dig up some dirt. First of all, god bless the producers on this show for their ability to be all Columbo-ish and turn up these dudes and get them to talk. (Ok, it was lame that all they could get out of Ambre's past was some friend, but still, pretty well played for the most part.)

And those crafty little investigators/producers even threw me off my own little Nancy Drew-ish trail. You see, I've seen the puppet strings a little and it seems to ME that the contestant "in the moment" interviews have clearly all been shot in one super duper marathon scripted day given the fact that they are always wearing the same outfits in front of the same backdrop. ALWAYS.

Unless it's the dreaded "Your tour ends here" post-elimination interview.

So, imagine the suspense and terror I felt when in the teaser a teary Daisy was crying in her interview...and she was outside! Not inside wearing pink as she usually is. Say it ain't so, could Bret be about to say "love you not" to Daisy...possibly the most cartoonishly perfect reality show contestant the world has ever known??!

Nah, it was all just a little smoke and mirrors to keep us on our toes. Trust me, Daisy is going all the way. Phew.

Now, onto more important Rock of Love mysteries: someone PLEASE tell me why during the elimination phase Bret Michaels' lips had more crap on them than Lisa Rinna?

Seriously, dude, 1987 Debbie Gibson called. She wants her lipstick back!

Lost in Love and I Don't Know Much...

*Spoilers*

I have been totally riveted by LOST this season. Actually, I've been riveted by LOST every season, even during that time when people started fleeing (viewers, not island inhabitants) because it was too confusing.

I love every flash forward, flash back and somewhere in the middle nugget, but I have a confession to make.

Sometimes I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Like, this week...when Michael wakes up in the hospital, and for a second we flash to his medically-looking monitor, I think, "Do those numbers mean something significant...or is that just his blood pressure?" My brain hurts. Are those the same numbers that dude used to punch into the computer? And are those the same numbers Hurley won the lottery with? And when Michael tunes in his car radio, are THOSE numbers significant? The producers may call their little clues Easter eggs and yet I'm so stressed out!



But I love it.

And now Michael has to come back and kill everybody on that boat? Because of his guilt over killing those chicks whose names I can't even remember but whose real life mug shots for drunk driving are still clear in my brain?

There's so much more to take in. So much more's bound to happen. So, I'm glad we have a month before it comes back so I can do some much needed mental calisthenics.

But, based on this latest episode long flashback, one thing's for sure: we're gonna need a bigger boat.

Barely Baio

Remember that totally moving finale of Charles in Charge?

Me neither. That's kind of how I felt about this season of Scott Baio. Didn't you kinda stop caring? Did you ever?

I DID, DAMMIT!

So what killed Scott Baio?

It was a lethal combo of Johnny V, too much Scott Baio DOING THE RIGHT THING, and the biggest problem...it was totally overscripted and NOT in a good way.

You spend TWO whole seasons getting Scott Baio down the aisle (not to mention 46 years) VH1, and you throw us that lame redneck wedding? With the random brother Stephen cameo? What, cousin Jimmy wasn't available?

And if you're gonna go scripted, why not fake a little more hesitation to go down the aisle? Or have him break down? Or not throw his 'engagement party' in a room that looked like the executive producer's back office with some tablecloths thrown over the desks?

It's not all bad. I did love (fake or not) when Chachi Scott visited his agent and they joked about all the scripts they were getting in: Frankenbaio, Baiowulf, 28 Baios Later, and my personal favorite Brokeback Baio.

Maybe, just maybe, if there's a Season 3, VH1 will give us...Flavor of Baio.

Or Rock of Baio.

Or Behind the Baio.

Help! I can't stop Baio!

First Impression Rose

I only got through the first bit of The Bachelor XXVVVVI and have time to share just a few initial thoughts:



Big Ben Matt seems less tool-ish than some of the usual Bachelors. Maybe there's hope. Maybe it's the accent. The girls were fairly interchangeable save for the carefully cast girl with the chronic hiccups, the Bush supporter, and the girl that's in 'church marketing'.

Holly abso-LUTE-ly is wearing the "Rachel" haircut. TRUST ME, this picture doesn't do it justice. I rocked the Rachel, too...in 1994.





Erin S. is 33. She is a hot dog vendor.

Best.

Job.

Ever.

Proud as a Peacock

I know the TV Ad people don't have it easy. There's pressure to have a clever catchphrase, you compete with massive competition, and it's pretty rare to be truly memorable. When it works, though, it works well.

Somewhere in the world is the person who came up with the phrase "Must See TV". That person is pretty proud of himself.

Inexplicably, I still remember this 1977 ABC "Still the One" campaign even though I was practically a zygote when it came out.

And this 1982 ditty still sorta stays with me, too.

But, sometimes, the campaigns are a little less than successful. In this [not so new] era of the internet, the ad peeps also have to find new and exciting ways to grab our technologically-maxed-out-ADD attention spans.

And sometimes they fail.

On NBC's Website, I stumbled upon the fact that they are offering up old "The A-Team" episodes online. With all due respect to Mr. T, I don't really care, but further links promised other vintage shows, so I was pysched. However, this promise of more retro programming landed me on this link entitled "Way Back Wednesdays", containing possibly the most random assemblage of tv shows ever, including The A-Team, Battlestar Galactica, and Emergency! Don't forget the exclamation mark!

And so I'm trying to picture how this meeting went: Ok, so this is all we could scrape up the rights to. How do we brand this? How about one of these: They all have people! At least two star Dirk Benedict! Some start with the letter B!

Instead, they landed on...Way Back Wednesdays, not because you can, like, only view them on Wednesdays (though that would've actually made more sense to me) but I am assuming it's because they all shared that dreaded mid-work week slot back in the day. Which i guess means that like 20 years from now you can watch Supernanny on this very site.

Anyway, I guess thanks to me, now you know. And that's... One to Grow on.

On the Road Again

*SPOILERS*

I know I should STOP BLOGGING ABOUT OCTOBER ROAD, but I have to just get this one in...and not just cause some of you wrote in to say that you secretly watch, too. Are you the same people that are secretly Republicans but voting for Obama?

Anyhoo, I watched the whole two hours of the season (or is it series?) finale. Which wasn't so much a two hour season finale as two episodes run back to back...but I digress. It was finally, dare I say, pretty good? It was returning to its Beautiful Girls roots and starting to finally tie up some loose story threads. (I mean, seriously, that dad played by Tom Berenger thought he might have cancer like 5 episodes ago...they're just addressing it NOW?)

The real problem with this show has been the Nick/Hannah relationship. This whole thing started with Nick's triumphant return home after 10 years to see Hannah...who has a kid who may or may not be his. And like any decent show, they've spent all season keeping them apart even though you know at some point it'll all work out.

But then October Road got off track and I stopped knowing WHAT this show was about (other than people in a Boston-ish town who have no accents except Tom Berenger who has one that comes and goes).

In the finale, though, there were subtle signs that they were figuring it all out. As it was nearing its climactic end, I was getting excited. Drama! Nick's leaving town again! This is what it's all about. The music started. On screen we cut back and forth between Nick leaving town and Hannah at her engagement party to someone else.

A cliffhanger! Will Nick really leave town while his dad has cancer and Hannah's poised to marry someone else? Will Hannah really marry Big Cat? Car driving down the road with Nick looking out the window, Hannah dancing around her engagement party. Car driving away. Hannah. Car driving away. Hannah. It was soooooooo Will Felicity choose
Ben or Noel-ish? They're about to fade to black. I love this!

[Needle off the record]

And thennnnnnnnnnnn the show went on for like 15 more minutes.

Sigh. Nick came back to town in the lamest non-cliffhanger EVER. Now, they didn't tie up the storylines perfectly or anything, but they just ruined it all with superfluous fluff that makes me think this show is not coming back like, ever. They rubbed further salt on my wounds by wasting time having the guys sing YET ANOTHER cringe-inducing song for YET ANOTHER montage to finally put this thing out of its misery.

Learn from the Sopranos, people!

If you come back next season, please, keep the ride a little more mysterious.

Singled Out

Even though the Oscars are a distant memory (thank God), here in Is It Just Me? TV-Land, there are never enough awards to give out.

And because of that, it is with glee I give some out for Monday night's broadcast of the Bachelor one-hour commercial for their new season "Where Are They Now?" Special.


















ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Award: The update on re-engaged Bachelor Andrew Firestone left out virtually any discussion of what former fiancée (and former Bachelorette) Jen Schefft is up to. The update also failed to mention what factory Andrew gets his genetically engineered blonde fiancées from.

SCARIER ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Award: Host Chris Harrison announced that Byron proposing to Mary was voted "Most Romantic Moment in Bachelor History"....even though Mary was arrested in November for assaulting Byron. Love hurts.

ONLY HER COLORIST KNOWS FOR SURE Award: Does that media-whore Trista really think mousy brown is the way to go these days?













It is so, so wrong that I continue to watch this series.

Night Court

Julianna Margulies is back on TV. She of the perfectly-manicured eyebrows and formerly 1/2 of the George Clooney coupling on ER, is back, starting tonight at 8pm on Fox.

On ER, she was a complicated, sometimes dark and troubled champion of justice in the hospital.
On the new Canterbury's Law, from the ads it looks like she plays a complicated, sometimes dark and troubled champion of justice...in the courtoom.






Does every drama involve medicine or the law? Between the 47 Law and Orders and 28 CSI's, I mean, seriously? Ok, fine, LOST is about neither of those things, but Jack IS a doctor and Kate IS on the run from the law. So there. I'm just saying, can't there be a drama about, oh, I don't know, a bunch of people who work in a mattress store or something?

Suddenly you're understanding why I am not in charge of the networks.

Anyway, that said, this one's got Denis Leary behind it (yes, of Rescue Me...a show, ok, not about the law but about firefighters) so it's got potential. The Monday night premiere also has Mike Figgis directing. That's the Mike Figgis who also directed Leaving Las Vegas, so if anyone knows from dark characters, it's him.

Doctors, lawyers, who cares? I think I'm in, because frankly, I need a little darkness.

The most serious thing taking up my DVR space right now is Simon's mean comments to Paula.

I Remember You

I don't know a single other person that watches October Road besides me, so I'm not sure why I'm dragging you down with me....but indulge me.

This week's episode was an October Road/Stand By Me mashup. When the guys hear that a girl they all had a crush on at the age of ten has died, they reflect on her impact via flashbacks purposefully made to resemble that famous movie. I almost expected Richard Dreyfuss to start narrating.

Instead, the flashback revealed that when said ten year old girl moved away, the boys had planned to give her a necklace engraved with the title of the Skid Row song, I Remember You- her favorite. So of course, at that moment, I think, "Here comes the cheezy song".

Nope.

Then we flash back again to the boys going to visit the now moved away (but not yet dead) girl. Of course they'll play "I Remember You".

Um, nope. (And even worse, we're made instead to endure a bad singalong to a Cinderella song. Please. Make. It. Stop.)

Finally, back in the present, we see the boys arrive at the dead chick's funeral. They bring the necklace and give it to her daughter. Clearly, they'll play the song here?

Sigh...no.
They DO eventually play it at the end of the show, but by the time THAT rolled around, I was thinking
A) I can't believe that I continue to watch this show.
B) I can't believe that I will probably buy that Skid Row song.
C) I can't believe that giant graphic ad for Dancing with the Stars has been in the corner of my screen through this entire episode.

I remember you when you were at least sorta good, October Road. But now, you're sorta...not.

A Given

It was sort of inevitable that I would like ABC's new spin on Extreme Home Makeover show, Oprah's Big Give. The premise, in a nutshell, is that contestants are sent off with some seed money (I guess it was seed money? They never really explained that part...) and are assigned to help people in need in some way. Whoever helps the most, in the best way, [read: not just giving away money] wins. I'm always a sucker for a tearjerker with a cause and Sunday nights have sort of become "Feel Good TV" night anyway, so I'm probably going to be hooked all season.

HOWEVER, I do, of course, have just a wee bit of feedback, OPRAH. Awards season may be over, but, may I present you my feedback via my own "Big Give" Awards:

THE "APPLES AND ORANGES" AWARD: The assignments were hardly comparable. For instance, how can you compare the woman who needed help with her mortgage because her husband was murdered while working at Home Depot...to the med student who needed help with student loans? One is called death, the other is called...LIFE. And while I'm at it, why couldn't Home Depot come up with some cash to help this poor widow?

THE "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP" A.K.A. THE "MY HEART WILL GO ON" AWARD: While I was psyched to dust off the Five for Fighting song, World, for this episode, when Best Days came on during the soldier segment, I thought, please for the love of all that is holy, find a new inspiring song for your reality show. American Idol has already cornered the market on this one. Let's move on, shall we?

THE "WITHOLDING INFORMATION" AWARD Why not tell us more about the judges? Malaak Compton-Rock has a charity background. Surely this information makes her a more credible judge than just being called "Chris Rock's wife" in the intro?

THE "PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET THE CAUSE BE SCIENTOLOGY" AWARD Previews for upcoming episodes showed John Travolta dropping in, so let's hope he coughs up some of his cash for the needy. Jennifer Aniston is also stopping by.

We assume her involvement has um, nothing to do with adopting orphans in Africa.