Lost in Love and I Don't Know Much...

*Spoilers*

I have been totally riveted by LOST this season. Actually, I've been riveted by LOST every season, even during that time when people started fleeing (viewers, not island inhabitants) because it was too confusing.

I love every flash forward, flash back and somewhere in the middle nugget, but I have a confession to make.

Sometimes I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Like, this week...when Michael wakes up in the hospital, and for a second we flash to his medically-looking monitor, I think, "Do those numbers mean something significant...or is that just his blood pressure?" My brain hurts. Are those the same numbers that dude used to punch into the computer? And are those the same numbers Hurley won the lottery with? And when Michael tunes in his car radio, are THOSE numbers significant? The producers may call their little clues Easter eggs and yet I'm so stressed out!



But I love it.

And now Michael has to come back and kill everybody on that boat? Because of his guilt over killing those chicks whose names I can't even remember but whose real life mug shots for drunk driving are still clear in my brain?

There's so much more to take in. So much more's bound to happen. So, I'm glad we have a month before it comes back so I can do some much needed mental calisthenics.

But, based on this latest episode long flashback, one thing's for sure: we're gonna need a bigger boat.

Barely Baio

Remember that totally moving finale of Charles in Charge?

Me neither. That's kind of how I felt about this season of Scott Baio. Didn't you kinda stop caring? Did you ever?

I DID, DAMMIT!

So what killed Scott Baio?

It was a lethal combo of Johnny V, too much Scott Baio DOING THE RIGHT THING, and the biggest problem...it was totally overscripted and NOT in a good way.

You spend TWO whole seasons getting Scott Baio down the aisle (not to mention 46 years) VH1, and you throw us that lame redneck wedding? With the random brother Stephen cameo? What, cousin Jimmy wasn't available?

And if you're gonna go scripted, why not fake a little more hesitation to go down the aisle? Or have him break down? Or not throw his 'engagement party' in a room that looked like the executive producer's back office with some tablecloths thrown over the desks?

It's not all bad. I did love (fake or not) when Chachi Scott visited his agent and they joked about all the scripts they were getting in: Frankenbaio, Baiowulf, 28 Baios Later, and my personal favorite Brokeback Baio.

Maybe, just maybe, if there's a Season 3, VH1 will give us...Flavor of Baio.

Or Rock of Baio.

Or Behind the Baio.

Help! I can't stop Baio!

First Impression Rose

I only got through the first bit of The Bachelor XXVVVVI and have time to share just a few initial thoughts:



Big Ben Matt seems less tool-ish than some of the usual Bachelors. Maybe there's hope. Maybe it's the accent. The girls were fairly interchangeable save for the carefully cast girl with the chronic hiccups, the Bush supporter, and the girl that's in 'church marketing'.

Holly abso-LUTE-ly is wearing the "Rachel" haircut. TRUST ME, this picture doesn't do it justice. I rocked the Rachel, too...in 1994.





Erin S. is 33. She is a hot dog vendor.

Best.

Job.

Ever.

Proud as a Peacock

I know the TV Ad people don't have it easy. There's pressure to have a clever catchphrase, you compete with massive competition, and it's pretty rare to be truly memorable. When it works, though, it works well.

Somewhere in the world is the person who came up with the phrase "Must See TV". That person is pretty proud of himself.

Inexplicably, I still remember this 1977 ABC "Still the One" campaign even though I was practically a zygote when it came out.

And this 1982 ditty still sorta stays with me, too.

But, sometimes, the campaigns are a little less than successful. In this [not so new] era of the internet, the ad peeps also have to find new and exciting ways to grab our technologically-maxed-out-ADD attention spans.

And sometimes they fail.

On NBC's Website, I stumbled upon the fact that they are offering up old "The A-Team" episodes online. With all due respect to Mr. T, I don't really care, but further links promised other vintage shows, so I was pysched. However, this promise of more retro programming landed me on this link entitled "Way Back Wednesdays", containing possibly the most random assemblage of tv shows ever, including The A-Team, Battlestar Galactica, and Emergency! Don't forget the exclamation mark!

And so I'm trying to picture how this meeting went: Ok, so this is all we could scrape up the rights to. How do we brand this? How about one of these: They all have people! At least two star Dirk Benedict! Some start with the letter B!

Instead, they landed on...Way Back Wednesdays, not because you can, like, only view them on Wednesdays (though that would've actually made more sense to me) but I am assuming it's because they all shared that dreaded mid-work week slot back in the day. Which i guess means that like 20 years from now you can watch Supernanny on this very site.

Anyway, I guess thanks to me, now you know. And that's... One to Grow on.

On the Road Again

*SPOILERS*

I know I should STOP BLOGGING ABOUT OCTOBER ROAD, but I have to just get this one in...and not just cause some of you wrote in to say that you secretly watch, too. Are you the same people that are secretly Republicans but voting for Obama?

Anyhoo, I watched the whole two hours of the season (or is it series?) finale. Which wasn't so much a two hour season finale as two episodes run back to back...but I digress. It was finally, dare I say, pretty good? It was returning to its Beautiful Girls roots and starting to finally tie up some loose story threads. (I mean, seriously, that dad played by Tom Berenger thought he might have cancer like 5 episodes ago...they're just addressing it NOW?)

The real problem with this show has been the Nick/Hannah relationship. This whole thing started with Nick's triumphant return home after 10 years to see Hannah...who has a kid who may or may not be his. And like any decent show, they've spent all season keeping them apart even though you know at some point it'll all work out.

But then October Road got off track and I stopped knowing WHAT this show was about (other than people in a Boston-ish town who have no accents except Tom Berenger who has one that comes and goes).

In the finale, though, there were subtle signs that they were figuring it all out. As it was nearing its climactic end, I was getting excited. Drama! Nick's leaving town again! This is what it's all about. The music started. On screen we cut back and forth between Nick leaving town and Hannah at her engagement party to someone else.

A cliffhanger! Will Nick really leave town while his dad has cancer and Hannah's poised to marry someone else? Will Hannah really marry Big Cat? Car driving down the road with Nick looking out the window, Hannah dancing around her engagement party. Car driving away. Hannah. Car driving away. Hannah. It was soooooooo Will Felicity choose
Ben or Noel-ish? They're about to fade to black. I love this!

[Needle off the record]

And thennnnnnnnnnnn the show went on for like 15 more minutes.

Sigh. Nick came back to town in the lamest non-cliffhanger EVER. Now, they didn't tie up the storylines perfectly or anything, but they just ruined it all with superfluous fluff that makes me think this show is not coming back like, ever. They rubbed further salt on my wounds by wasting time having the guys sing YET ANOTHER cringe-inducing song for YET ANOTHER montage to finally put this thing out of its misery.

Learn from the Sopranos, people!

If you come back next season, please, keep the ride a little more mysterious.

Singled Out

Even though the Oscars are a distant memory (thank God), here in Is It Just Me? TV-Land, there are never enough awards to give out.

And because of that, it is with glee I give some out for Monday night's broadcast of the Bachelor one-hour commercial for their new season "Where Are They Now?" Special.


















ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Award: The update on re-engaged Bachelor Andrew Firestone left out virtually any discussion of what former fiancée (and former Bachelorette) Jen Schefft is up to. The update also failed to mention what factory Andrew gets his genetically engineered blonde fiancées from.

SCARIER ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Award: Host Chris Harrison announced that Byron proposing to Mary was voted "Most Romantic Moment in Bachelor History"....even though Mary was arrested in November for assaulting Byron. Love hurts.

ONLY HER COLORIST KNOWS FOR SURE Award: Does that media-whore Trista really think mousy brown is the way to go these days?













It is so, so wrong that I continue to watch this series.

Night Court

Julianna Margulies is back on TV. She of the perfectly-manicured eyebrows and formerly 1/2 of the George Clooney coupling on ER, is back, starting tonight at 8pm on Fox.

On ER, she was a complicated, sometimes dark and troubled champion of justice in the hospital.
On the new Canterbury's Law, from the ads it looks like she plays a complicated, sometimes dark and troubled champion of justice...in the courtoom.






Does every drama involve medicine or the law? Between the 47 Law and Orders and 28 CSI's, I mean, seriously? Ok, fine, LOST is about neither of those things, but Jack IS a doctor and Kate IS on the run from the law. So there. I'm just saying, can't there be a drama about, oh, I don't know, a bunch of people who work in a mattress store or something?

Suddenly you're understanding why I am not in charge of the networks.

Anyway, that said, this one's got Denis Leary behind it (yes, of Rescue Me...a show, ok, not about the law but about firefighters) so it's got potential. The Monday night premiere also has Mike Figgis directing. That's the Mike Figgis who also directed Leaving Las Vegas, so if anyone knows from dark characters, it's him.

Doctors, lawyers, who cares? I think I'm in, because frankly, I need a little darkness.

The most serious thing taking up my DVR space right now is Simon's mean comments to Paula.

I Remember You

I don't know a single other person that watches October Road besides me, so I'm not sure why I'm dragging you down with me....but indulge me.

This week's episode was an October Road/Stand By Me mashup. When the guys hear that a girl they all had a crush on at the age of ten has died, they reflect on her impact via flashbacks purposefully made to resemble that famous movie. I almost expected Richard Dreyfuss to start narrating.

Instead, the flashback revealed that when said ten year old girl moved away, the boys had planned to give her a necklace engraved with the title of the Skid Row song, I Remember You- her favorite. So of course, at that moment, I think, "Here comes the cheezy song".

Nope.

Then we flash back again to the boys going to visit the now moved away (but not yet dead) girl. Of course they'll play "I Remember You".

Um, nope. (And even worse, we're made instead to endure a bad singalong to a Cinderella song. Please. Make. It. Stop.)

Finally, back in the present, we see the boys arrive at the dead chick's funeral. They bring the necklace and give it to her daughter. Clearly, they'll play the song here?

Sigh...no.
They DO eventually play it at the end of the show, but by the time THAT rolled around, I was thinking
A) I can't believe that I continue to watch this show.
B) I can't believe that I will probably buy that Skid Row song.
C) I can't believe that giant graphic ad for Dancing with the Stars has been in the corner of my screen through this entire episode.

I remember you when you were at least sorta good, October Road. But now, you're sorta...not.

A Given

It was sort of inevitable that I would like ABC's new spin on Extreme Home Makeover show, Oprah's Big Give. The premise, in a nutshell, is that contestants are sent off with some seed money (I guess it was seed money? They never really explained that part...) and are assigned to help people in need in some way. Whoever helps the most, in the best way, [read: not just giving away money] wins. I'm always a sucker for a tearjerker with a cause and Sunday nights have sort of become "Feel Good TV" night anyway, so I'm probably going to be hooked all season.

HOWEVER, I do, of course, have just a wee bit of feedback, OPRAH. Awards season may be over, but, may I present you my feedback via my own "Big Give" Awards:

THE "APPLES AND ORANGES" AWARD: The assignments were hardly comparable. For instance, how can you compare the woman who needed help with her mortgage because her husband was murdered while working at Home Depot...to the med student who needed help with student loans? One is called death, the other is called...LIFE. And while I'm at it, why couldn't Home Depot come up with some cash to help this poor widow?

THE "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP" A.K.A. THE "MY HEART WILL GO ON" AWARD: While I was psyched to dust off the Five for Fighting song, World, for this episode, when Best Days came on during the soldier segment, I thought, please for the love of all that is holy, find a new inspiring song for your reality show. American Idol has already cornered the market on this one. Let's move on, shall we?

THE "WITHOLDING INFORMATION" AWARD Why not tell us more about the judges? Malaak Compton-Rock has a charity background. Surely this information makes her a more credible judge than just being called "Chris Rock's wife" in the intro?

THE "PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET THE CAUSE BE SCIENTOLOGY" AWARD Previews for upcoming episodes showed John Travolta dropping in, so let's hope he coughs up some of his cash for the needy. Jennifer Aniston is also stopping by.

We assume her involvement has um, nothing to do with adopting orphans in Africa.

A Moment Like This

*Spoilers*

Damn you American Idol! You are costing me money AND turning me into a blubbering idiot.

When American Idol announced that people could download performances on Itunes, I thought, "What idiot would do that when you can watch it on the internet for free?" Um, apparently, this one. When David Archuleta performed "Imagine", not only did I buy it for my Ipod but I am completely horrified that I like this dorky kid that seems more destined for Disney than rock star greatness. Who AM I?

But what can you expect from someone who actually owns MORE THAN ONE Vonda Shephard CD.

Now, if that little young thing David made me misty, well then seeing Alaina Whitaker get kicked off turned the waterworks full throttle. See, if you don't watch AI, they kick you off, then cruelly make "new loser you" sing. And you think to yourself, "how do they do this? How come they don't like throw up?" but they always bust it out.

Instead, Alaina did what I would do - froze up, then burst into tears and declared "I can't sing!" And those producers milked that moment perfectly, cutting to every teary-eyed person in the room. Cue the Paula pep talk, more tears, and then the non-loser girls gathered round to help her out and she, of course, in live-tv-gold fashion, sang her little heart out.

Which is why Alaina Whitaker is was on American Idol...and I am not.

PS. On a lighter note, Simon quote of the week: "Last week was boring. This week was awkward and ordinary". I will surely be stealing this to describe future bad dates.

Dreamboat

So I know you're trying to forget the most boring telecast in history, the Oscars, but I couldn't let this go unsaid.





When I saw Colin Farrell on the red carpet, I was immediately transported to another time. Did anyone else take one look at the (sudden?) patch of gray in his hair and get reminded of that girl in Nightmare on Elm St??? Remember? She's so tortured and aged by her nightmares that overnight she awakens with a gray streak in her hair?

Come to think of it, they kind of look alike. Especially in the eyebrows.

Anyway, getting old just sucks. Poor Colin. Remember the good 'ol days when he was squiring around Britney Spears and they were both hot and not a punchline? Sigh.


And yes, of course as soon as I thought of this I had to IMDB Heather Langenkamp (aka the girl from Nightmare on Elm St.) and no, she's not up to much...except somehow I missed (or maybe I forgot) that she played Nancy Kerrigan in possibly the most serendipitous case of pure look-alike-ness landing someone a part since Christine Taylor landed the role of Marcia Brady.

Mysteries of Happy Days

There is a Happy Days coverup going on, and I'm here to expose it.

The Today Show is running a series this week getting together casts of old shows and kicked it off with most of the cast from Happy Days. I have no idea why Scott Baio was not a part of it, especially since he was on Regis & Kelly an hour later. A booking error... or a conspiracy to have every channel become ALL HAPPY DAYS, ALL THE TIME? You decide!

Just kidding, this is not the mystery.

And no, I'm not talking about Chuck.

Everyone who ever talks about the end of Happy Days refers to the Joanie & Chachi wedding, topped off with Mr. C's final farewell. That certainly does SEEM LIKE the logical last episode. Hell, I even posted this clip just the other day.

But it's lies! All lies! There were FIVE more episodes after that 'finale'. This campaign of misinformation must stop NOW. Am I the ONLY ONE who remembers the episode that was a thinly veiled ripoff of the Stephen King movie, "Christine"? Fonzie with the old '55 Chevy? C'mon, people, I know you saw it. Now, it's not a classic (talking about the episode, not the car) like, say, when Fonzie goes blind or meets Mork, but it's out there and it was AFTER that damn Joanie loves Chachi wedding. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

I mean, annnnnnnyway, I'll tell you something that is NOT a mystery. Poor, poor Erin Moran. Little Joanie wants so badly to be famous again it's hearbreaking. Every time that girl is ever on camera, she just says over and over again "I loooooooved it" about her time on Happy Days, like if she keeps saying it over and over, someone will let her play Joanie again. She's definitely pissed those Brady bitches got that variety show.

Well, her prayers have been answered...sort of. Sources tell me she's headed to Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. Now, I don't think she actually needs to lose weight but if it got her mug on tv....well, let's just say she's probably at Arnold's RIGHT NOW downing some cheeseburgers....

I Don't See Dead People

"There Will Be Blood": title for an award winning movie or the thought that women around the world would have about the prospect of meeting George Clooney's girlfriend in a dark alley? Discuss.












I wanted Julie Christie to win but I'm sorta glad that French chick won for Splash La Vie en Rose only because, well, upsets are fun.















Katherine Heigl's tool-ness grows exponentially every time I hear her speak. She was a presenter and announced that we should forgive her because she was 'really nervous'. Um, relax you phony, there are no Oscars in your future for "27 Dresses".


So my pet peeve with the dead people montage THIS YEAR had to be the music choice. Did they really need to build to a triumphant crescendo on Heath Ledger? I'm not sure what was more inappropriate: that or the glaring omissions. What was worse was that they put DATES after the In Memoriam (do they usually do this?) as if to say, "If you inconveniently die after our Jan 31st deadline, ROY SCHEIDER, we are NOT gonna re-edit this montage for you." This gets them off the hook for Roy, but Brad Renfro totally made the dead people deadline so I'm not sure what's up.

Memo to producers for next year: double check the obits and stick to the somber Forrest Gump theme for your montages. No need to get creative when it comes to the dead.

Go Diablo Cody...from Blogger to Oscar winner!

Can't Help Falling in Love

I wanted to send you all a snarky recap of the American Idol results show, but let's be honest: I fast forwarded to see who got voted off and the subsequent sappy going home video.

It's when that video came on that the trouble started.

You see, I am what you might call a music marketer's dream. You can pretty much put any angsty TV couple or general TV tale of woe to music and I am going to find that song and buy it on Itunes within 30 minutes...as in faster than the delivery time of Domino's Pizza.

(Ok, even I don't really eat Domino's Pizza, but you get the gist:
Heart-on-her-sleeve sap + music montages on TV=BIG BUCKS for Itunes)


Ross and Rachel do it at the museum!
Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

Click.








Izzy's fiancé dies/Will Meredith choose Derek or Finn?
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Click.





Joanie freaking marries Chachi.
Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis;
Memories by...well duh, still Elvis

Click.
Click.



And so I'm sorry. No snark. No recap. I'm busy re-watching the going home montage...which is set to Best Days by Graham Colton.

Click.

Who's Watching the Kids?

Ok, I promise I won't rant about this every time I talk about American Idol but I have, like, a full time job and FIVE hours a week for one show? That sure is A LOT to ask for a show that in no way shape or form includes George Clooney.

I'm just sayin'...how do you people find the time?

Ok, on with the show. Girls Night.

I still think that nanny, Brooke White, is going far in this competition. She elicited the biggest response from ME, anyway, and it's mainly because when I look at her I can't help but think all of these things...in no particular order:
-She (or at least her hair) looks suspiciously like the model that's on the box of some crimping/curling iron thing I used to do my hair for my semi-formal in 1987.
-She is going to milk this "I'm an innocent nanny" thing [not so hidden subtext: I'll turn naughty for you] for as long as she can.
-Are the twins she's supposed to be nannying in day care now?
-Is nannying a word?
-Will Ethan Hawke and Jude Law vote for her?

Other random thoughts:

Isn't Alaina Whitaker & Carrie Underwood the same person?





Though I liked her initially, based on Wednesday's performance, that girl (Kristy Lee Cook) that sold her horse to get to Hollywood might need it to get home.

Oh well. Giddyup! It's Thursday and time for LOST.

Boys Will Be Boys

I'm trying to get into American Idol this season. Really, I am. Unfortunately, my commitment tends to mimic my gym-going habits: I start out strong, but eventually my attention wanes and I blow it off. This freaking thing is on THREE times this week? I promise you that's more times then I will do cardio. So, I guess the moral to the story is...ok there is no moral, but a few months from now I'll be fat with no new music.

Anyhoo, I'm giving it a shot, and I watched the boy's (men's?) night on Tuesday where they sang 60's songs. I thought mostly it was filled with a bunch of Tiger Beat-ish boys that I guess could steal Clay Aiken's fans, but very few I could get excited about. Mostly because I am over 18.

But, speaking of age, American Idol is totally having an identity crisis. Admittedly, I haven't paid attention to A.I. in a long time, but besides the preponderance of (seemingly) prepubescent youth, there were TWO guys that said they were 29. When did they raise the age limit? And isn't it sort of horrifying to be 29 and participating in a group called the Top 12 Boys? [By the way, I'm talkin' to YOU, New Kids on the Block reunion.]

Now, it wasn't all bad. On the opposite spectrum from the pre-teen hearthrobs, I thought Luke-the-carpet-cleaner-guy (totally his name going forward) was very hot even though he looked like he just came from work...at his carpet cleaning job. At what point in this competition do these kids get a stylist?







Also, kinda into the future-Bret-Michaels guy (as he will forevermore be referred to by me), Robbie Carrico.

Other thoughts? I can only hope that the voters will get rid of that Jason Yeager kid immediately for ruining Moon River for me forever. That song should stay immortalized the way it's supposed to.

No, NOT as the theme song from Breakfast at Tiffany's. For me, it's the "Big is leaving New York" song from Sex and the City.

It's my blog and I'll write that if I want to...

Down 'n Dirty

Bret Michaels HAS to be sitting around going, "I can't believe I get paid to do this".

This week's episode of "Rock of Love" featured the remaining whores girls competing in mud football which is basically female mud wrestling...but with a football. The 'winner' then got to have dinner with Bret...IN A LINGERIE STORE.

God bless the American Dream. Or at least, Bret Michaels' American Dream.

I continue to be perplexed by the casting of these girls, however. I imagine that slutty fake-boobed, big haired chicks aren't too hard to um, come by in L.A. But let's be real, most of these girls are NOT CUTE.

On the bright side, at least some of their not-cuteness is in a retro sort of way and takes me back to some good 'ol 80's fun.

Like Catherine. One of the other girls actually called her Peggy Bundy and I certainly can't improve upon that. Also, at least I can say God bless VH1 for not dealing in ageism cuz this chick is 45, which in the dog years of most bachelor-type reality shows is like 100. Hell, they may as well throw that old chick from Titanic into the mix.










And then there's Peyton. Oh Peyton. What is it about you that just immediately conjures up Marlboro Reds and Aqua Net? And you just KNOW her perfume is like, Love's Baby Soft or something. Do they still make that?

But mostly, when I look at Peyton, something else springs to mind: Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days.

Is it JUST me?

Either way, with Leather Tuscadero on the brain, it reminds me that I miss Happy Days. I especially miss Happy Days' VERY SPECIAL EPISODES...and actually, I miss VERY SPECIAL episodes in general.

Oh well, maybe they'll come back someday...just hopefully not on Rock of Love.

Well Played

*Spoilers*

When your show is called "Scott Baio is 46...and Pregnant", it surely presents a problem when cameras aren't allowed in the delivery room. In Sunday night's episode, Renee finally gives birth, but other than a few moments of waiting around, largely, the climactic birth scene occurs off camera.

Surprising? Maybe. And I'm not sure if this was dictated by the situation (hospitals often have filming clauses that kick out cameras if births become of the operating room-variety). It's hard to know if this was pre-planned or not. Maybe Scott Baio actually had a change of heart about revealing too much.

Unfortunately, this season, not-revealing-too-much has actually been a problem. Though I was a huge fan of season 1, as anyone who reads this blog knows, this season has felt largely contrived thus far, like Baio and friends were still playing along with the concept of the show but only on their terms. Other than what-I-hope-weren't-fake tears when Scott visited a church, it's been a little...soulless.

But, by NOT allowing cameras into the delivery room, something far better was revealed.

Behind all the silliness, when this show is good, it has heart. Through intimate photos and audio from the delivery room, a montage set to The Pretenders' "Hymn to Her" told the emotional story. They went for the sappy jugular and they got me. Sue me.

(Now, before you roll your eyes at my complete and utter descent into schmaltz-ville, I will say that the cynical side of me can almost hear VH1 screaming, "What do you mean you don't have the F-ing birth on camera?!!!!")

That aside, something else fun happened. I realized that this show has been quietly and effectively digging up a lot of great (mostly 80's) music worth checking out.

Until this episode, I'd never heard of Hymn to Her, a 1986 Pretenders song (uh, have you?).

And I bet sentimental freaks just like me are running all over the internet to find this song as we speak.

It was also nice to see Aha's song The Sun Always Shines on TV get some new life. Damn, once an 80's girl, always an 80's girl.

But don't worry, in case you think I've totally gotten sucked into some kind of overly emotional vortex, I also liked the Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me/car wash combo to convey that Renee and Scott were going to pretend for the cameras to fill a plot hole have sex.

In case you missed this episode, go to VH1.com for more airings. It IS VH1, so there's like, alot.

Jungle Boogie

Last week, when Lipstick Jungle premiered I definitely thought it was D.O.A., but last night's episode surprised me. While I'm not exactly upgrading this show to Season Pass status, I'm going to hang in and give it a chance.

My thoughts on the episode:

First, THE GOOD:
The addition of Lorraine Bracco as Brooke Shield's adversary was a great call. I loved her nastiness. The icy condescension that oozed from her lips everytime she called Brooke's character "hun" was a testament to Lorraine's genius as an actress. And when she told Brooke "You must have me confused with your shrink"...well now THAT's a testament to the writers. I can't wait to see what's next for Lorraine's character...though I do wish she didn't look like she'd jumped into some speed-up-the-aging time machine and a little bit like Kirstie Alley's long lost sister.

Now, THE BAD:
This episode opened with a fax machine spitting out box office numbers. I know, this is supposed to telegraph for me, as a viewer, that Brooke Shields's character Wendy is a busy executive that works all the time, even when she's home. Sure she does. And that's why those numbers would be emailed to her Blackberry. The last time I recall a fax machine delivering significant plot-hinging info was in [pre-crazy Tom Cruise's] The Firm....in 1993.

Welcome to the new Millennium, Lipstick Jungle!

...and THE UGLY
Seriously, what is going on with Brooke Shields?! They have made her look so bad on this show it's embarrassing. And not in a deliberate "This-character-is-going-through-a-hard-time-so-we're-going-to-make-her-look-fake-haggard" kind of way. No, this is in a "Fire Your Makeup Artist" (and while you're at it, the Lighting person, too) kind of way.
Damn, if they can't make freakin' BROOKE SHIELDS look good, well, let's just say I would run for the hills if I ever saw Lipstick Jungle cameras comin' my way!








Oh, and THE RANDOM
The storyline about Victory Ford's (Lindsay Price) quest for an old hat was stupid, BUT I am starting to catch a teeny weeny fever for an Andrew McCarthy comeback.

What about Prom, Blaine?!!!!

Relationships Worse Than Yours

In honor of bringing all of the Valentine's Day celebrating to a close, I bring you this bonus post.

Feeling blue that your partner couldn't even manage to buy you carnations from your local deli? Does your romantic night out involve the phrase "Do you wanna supersize that?" [I'm talking dinner. Get your mind out of the gutter. Or don't. No judgments.]

Buck up little campers! It could be worse. You could be one half of one of THESE couples...

Jack and Kate on LOST. Ok, technically they're not a couple. But, whoever ends up with this dude has a built-in future that involves him growing a gross beard, being drunk all the time and wanting to jump off a bridge. Not fun.




Ross and Rachel on FRIENDS. 'On a break' my ass. Cheater.

















Kelly & Dylan, Kelly & Brandon on 90210. Three words of caution to would-be Kelly suitors: "I choose me".






Izzy & Denny on GREY'S ANATOMY. Whenever a defibrillator figures heavily into your courtship, it can't be good.



Enjoy your overpriced dinner tonight!
Mwah!

Idol Chatter

It's not really even fair that I'm writing about American Idol. I've never watched consistently, EXCEPT during the Clay Aiken season where I actually voted (alot) for some hairdresser from Connecticut. (Speaking of which, oh dear Julia DeMato. Where did it all go wrong? Your Wikipedia profile has relegated you to a sadly cliche 'where are they now?' scrap heap.)

I do love that this aforementioned bio describes Julia as an "American professional cosmetologist and singer". I'm pretty sure anytime someone has to insert the word "professional" before your job title, you're um...not. Even if you are, in fact, American.

Regardless, since the Clay vs. Ruben year, I haven't really paid attention.

It's not that I haven't followed what's been going on. The fall and rise of Jennifer Hudson was a great human interest story. It's pretty cool that she won the Oscar and that she's going to ruin be in the Sex and the City movie. Sanjaya's hair is apparently worth mentioning.

But I'm just not a die-hard. (Not like a certain well-known tv personality who once upon a time sent me on a very Devil Wears Prada-esque errand to hunt him down a copy of an Idol episode before he got on a flight...but I digress.) And it's not that I don't understand the phenomenon...I just can't commit so many hours to ONE show!

Again this week, perhaps a parallel to my dating life. Damn Valentine's Day Hallmark commercials got me crazy. Focus, Krista. Focus!

That long ass preamble aside, I've checked out some of the early auditions, and I'll say this: I'm no music exec, but they made a big mistake sending home Angela Martin. Besides the easy part - girl can sing - the story sells itself! Pregnant in high school, now her kid is sick, and a new development after her first audition...her father just died. Hello? America loves a good sob story. What were they thinking?

Plus, I thought the holidays were over, but apparently not, so let me sing it for you: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

It's hard to commit to a new show. Your time is limited, your DVR is packed, but don't you just love it when you find your 'new' Sopranos? Or Sex and the City? I've tried to help over the past year, championing a few long shots that are worth your while, but frankly, sometimes it's a losing battle and it leaves me heartbroken. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'm ready to fall in love...with some new shows. It's just so hard when you want the newbies to be good and they're just...not.

This is starting to sound like alot of my relationships.

Remember "What about Brian"? It started out as a promising tale of unrequited love and ended in a mishmash of random characters from 90210. (I mean that figuratively AND literally. Tiffani Amber Theissen was brought on late in the game to sex it up.)

And where are you, VH1's The Agency? We had some good times. I thought for sure there would be a season 2. Was it something I said?

And then there's those other shows...the ones that leave you totally hangin' with no closure. As cheesy as it was, I am still bitter that Fox pulled the plug on Reunion before revealing the killer back in '05.

I'll never know why Peter Horton joined the cast of Six Degrees.

And now, I have a funny feeling I will never know the identity of Sam's father on October Road. I know, you're thinking "But I don't watch October Road". And you're probably not going to, but I have been hanging onto that show like it's date 3 with a sorta cute (ok, boring) guy who I agree to go out with again because I'm 36 I'm still optimistic there's potential.

The most recent episode was just so desperate feeling. Not only was there a requisite cringe-inducing montage to Kiss' Rock & Roll All Night (note to TV producers in general: ENOUGH with the montages! Even MTV doesn't play music videos!) but now poor desperate October Road is just pulling out all the stops. A mysterious guest star (hi random casting, it's me, october road...is Armand Assante available?)! The dad has cancer! It's a secret!

I want October Road to be what it set out to be: the weekly updated version of the movie Beautiful Girls. Sadly, it's not. I feel so misled, and I've said it before: I'm just not that into you.

I hate freakin' Valentine's Day.

PS. Welcome back, TV writers! We've missed you. Now, please write me some new shows!

Mytunes

I hadn't actually planned to watch the Grammy Awards this year.

It's not that I don't love music. In fact, I'm your typical Ipod drone who is lucky not to get hit by a car each morning, walking to the subway absorbed in my current "new year's resolution mix" (or whatever cheesy mix title I have decided on for the week). It's just that I am a little out of touch with all of the hipsters of the top 40. In fact, most of the songs that end up in my Itunes "Just for you" cart (recommendations based on my purchases) are of the Classic Rock variety...ok, and one recent really embarrassing Hannah Montana recommendation, but I digress.

But, I'm so glad I watched.

I got to see Alicia Keys kick things off with her Frank Sinatra (video) duet and it was awesome. Awesome enough that my dad called and asked "who is this Alicia Keys?" And then I felt like the hipster. How 'bout that? (I still can't get him to understand what Itunes is, but...baby steps.)

And that's what the Grammy's are supposed to do...bring old and new generations of music lovers together, and there was lots of that.

Now, ON THE OTHER HAND, I'm not sure the world was waiting for a "The Time" reunion, but it was fun seeing MC Hammer Morris Day performing again in that gold suit.

Also, I still don't know the difference between Album of the Year, Song of the Year and Record of the Year.

Only two weeks until the Oscars!

Judging a Book by its Cover

When word first spread that both Lipstick Jungle AND Cashmere Mafia were to premiere this season, the media was abuzz with Sex and the City comparisons. But it also set off a tsunami of shameless gossip that it was war between Candace Bushnell and Darren Star.

All was well when they were both making Sex: Candace was the writer of the book Sex and the City was based on; Darren was the executive producer of this and many other soap-sational series. We all loved Sex and the City. Plenty of glory for everybody. But now on opposite sides, we were all left to wonder....was there still enough love to go around?

Going into this, I thought Lipstick might have the edge. With Candace attached, it certainly looked good on paper. Brooke Shields is a big name. How could it go wrong?

But boy was I wrong. Back in August, I became concerned on this here blog that in the promos of Lipstick, the characters were made up to look like dowdy caricatures. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

And when I say iceberg, I mean, as in...up ahead.

You see, I don't mind if my shows are realistic, for the most part. I even enjoy a little fluff and fantasy. Even when people were bitching about Sarah Jessica Parker's over the top outfits on Sex and the City, I was the girl running out to buy a (ridiculously oversized) flower to pin to my lapel. So, over on Cashmere Mafia, the characters are super shiny and glossy and it's pure pop, but that's ok...they have costume designer legend Pat Field and it shows. That is clearly one of their aces in the hole. Not so coincidentally it was Ms. Field who put SJP in those defining outfits on SATC. And quite frankly, for an hour each week, I'll gladly escape into these rich ladies' problems and occasionally fantasize that someday I can afford a Birkin bag.

But Lipstick Jungle? It's more Maybelline than La Mer..and I mean that literally. Maybelline was a sponsor urging YOU to get "the Lipstick Jungle look".

Um, no thanks. They actually found a way to make Brooke Shields look bad. Her drab makeup made her look sadly blah, and it seemed like in every scene she was wearing the same suit I wore on my job interview at Calvin Klein nearly ten years ago. I, too, thought I looked fashionable, but whereas Banana Republic might've been the (only) choice for me on my poverty-induced budget, Brooke Shields' character is supposed to be president of a movie studio? Even her cell phone was irritating! They couldn't even get a Blackberry or Iphone? No bluetooth?

But the most egregious offense for me was the sloppy editing. Or should I blame the bad shooting? (There was a shot left in where the camera was literally shaking as what-I-can-only assume was a bus went by. Or maybe it was a fighter plane.) This was film school bad. I stopped counting all of the mistakes about 30 minutes in but some of the highlights were Andrew McCarthy laughing and then they'd cut to a close up and PRESTO-CHANGO he's suddenly serious. My favorite? In one particular scene Brooke Shields' line is dubbed in...but her lips are...not...moving! I don't want to be harsh. Maybe it wasn't dubbed. Maybe Brooke's become a ventriloquist in her spare time.

Despite the hype, neither show is really a Sex ripoff. Yes, they're all about women in NYC but honestly LOST and Gilligan's Island are both about castaways and no one is trying to shove those two shows in the same category. Now, I've had more of a chance to warm up to Cashmere Mafia since I've seen more episodes and in truth I didn't love that first one either. So, I'm going to keep watching both, but so far this ain't exactly close.

Verdict: Cashmere covers Lipstick.

Pushing the (possibly only) Envelope

Is it wrong that I loved almost every second of the S.A.G. Awards? Is it because I haven't seen an awards show in awhile or was it really good?

Feel free to weigh in. Maybe it's because I agreed with (almost) every award. I knew it was going to be good when they started off by getting it right and giving the Sopranos the recognition they deserved.

I was so giddy from the speeches and all I decided to give out some awards of my own...

Missed opportunity of the night award: Alec Baldwin won for 30 Rock, but was MIA, so we didn't get to see him accept his richly deserved recognition by his peers and give (what I'm sure would've been) a great speech.

Which of course gave way to the...

Fakest smile of the night award: Jeremy Piven, who, right after LOSING to MIA Alec Baldwin, flashed those pearly whites only AFTER he realized the camera was on him.

Guy who made the girls (or at least, this one) swoon award : Javier Bardem, who for some reason can pull off that open shirt thing without looking cheesy. His genuine speech just made him hotter.

"I am definitely the only person on the planet who noticed this" award: THAT goes to me, for noticing that the very first clip in the Charles Durning Lifetime Achievement Award montage was from giant 1983 flop Twist of Fate, the ill-conceived John Travolta/Olivia Newton-John post-Grease re-pairing. Seriously? That's your choice to kick off the showcase of this talented actor's body of work, editor-person? Not Dog Day Afternoon? Not The Sting? Um, o.k., Twist of Fate. Whatever.

Speaking of Charles Durning...The "It's never too late to get it right, so get off your ass " Inspiration Award: It's a tie between both of these gentlemen who appeared at the awards:
1. Charles Durning - who didn't appear on screen till he was FORTY!
2. Mickey Rooney - who was married SEVEN times before meeting his current (and eighth) wife...who he's been married to for THIRTY years!

The "sure wish we'd submitted a different clip" award: people from Weeds, whose clip included Mary-Kate Olsen, less than a week after her name was splashed all over the headlines in connection with Heath Ledger's death.

And while we're on THAT subject...the "I guess we're not going to bother to re-edit the dead people montage in any respectful way and instead we're just gonna shove the Heath Ledger clip with no audio at the end after the fade to black when the music has stopped and the audience is wondering 'where's the Heath Ledger clip?' " award: editor-person that edited this montage...perhaps it's the same genius that cut together the Charles Durning piece? At least Daniel Day-Lewis paid tribute to Heath in his speech in a respectful way...even though I hate myself a little for letting the teeny-tiny cynic in my soul wonder a little bit if this was fake, especially since Daniel also talked about Heath on Oprah...and has said he didn't know him.

As Tom Cruise presented the last award of the evening, I longed for the days when I thought he was a hot movie star and not a crazy alien. I wonder if I will ever again be able to see him as anything other than a punchline.

Not to be, ya know, glib.

I'm a Little Bit Country

We can all use a little levity today after yesterday's tragic news about Heath Ledger.

It's a reality-tv-maker's market these days, now that most of the scripted programs have gone bye bye for a good long while. I just happened to stumble upon Carnie Wilson on the Today Show this morning, stumping on behalf of her new show on CMT, Gone Country. If you didn't already know, CMT stands for Country Music Television.

Now, assuming you can actually FIND CMT (it was channel 140 on my NYC Timewarner lineup), this might be worth checking out. It's got kind of a Surreal Life meets American Idol feel to it. The premise is that a bunch of "established musicians" live in a house together, go through some challenges, and the winner gets an opportunity to possibly record and release a country song.

All I know is Carnie Wilson had to room with Bobby Brown.

I'm a little dubious after viewing the clip below because it's a little bit of a snoozer, but I might check it out anyway, if only to see what shenanigans Bobby Brown is involved in (if you are receiving this via email you may need to go to my site directly to view). I mean, the show DOES also include a Brady.



By the way, what's with all the ATV riding on reality shows all of a sudden? Last week, this was also part of a date on Rock of Love 2.

This leads me to think I should be handing out some PR distinctions of the week:

PR coup of the week: makers of ATV's
PR disaster of the week: makers of Ambien

Over His Dead Body

Like most people, I reacted with sadness at the news that Heath Ledger had died.

Then I became sadder as the (expected) throngs of media vultures descended on the scene. It's sad but true to think of all the people that will profit from his death. Next week's issues of US Magazine et al will have him on the cover with headlines like "His Secret Life" and networks like E! will produce shows like "The Last Days of Heath Ledger".

So maybe it makes me a hypocrite since, admittedly, I'm watching this stuff too...but I felt a little better about myself that I was watching CNN, and not "The Insider".

That is, until Anderson Cooper had on Dr. Drew Pinsky to 'weigh in'.

Dr. Drew is starting to veer into Dr. Phil territory.

It's just a little too...icky that by commenting on Ledger's possible overdose, Dr. Drew is helping to promote his show, Celebrity Rehab. While I'm sure Dr. Drew wouldn't wish this ill on anyone, between Brad Renfro and now Heath Ledger's passing...it just smacks of some type of Faustian bargain for the benefit of Dr. Drew's career.

And I could kind of get past it until Anderson asked him if celebrities have a higher propensity to suffer from depression. Dr. Drew was just a LITTLE too self-congratulatory proclaiming that he had published the only data (data?) about celebrities because he had administered some type of personality questionnaire to celebs that were on his radio show.

Very scientific. Does this make James Lipton a medical expert, too?

Sigh.

The Feminine Mystique

I know I'm setting my gender back about a hundred (ok, a thousand) years but feminism be damned, I'm starting to love Rock of Love 2.

Why, you ask?

I love it for the little things, like, I love that whoever cast this show carefully chose girls with the fakest sounding (or at least, fakest spelled) names on the planet. As in...Destiney, Jackye, Inna and my favorite, Ambre. No, it still SOUNDS like Amber, but it's spelled Ambre...like it should rhyme with hombre (Hombre was also the name of the cologne Joey sold on Friends. Why can I remember this yet I am unable to name former presidents in sequential order with any degree of reliability? I digress...).

I love it for Bret Michael's fake hair that looks like he skinned it off one of those giant make-me-pretty Barbie Doll heads I had as a kid.

I love that these women have the emotional maturity of corrupted teen girls, and the look of tranny hookers in lockup.

Mostly, I just laugh along with Bret. He seems totally in on the joke, has great comedic timing, and God bless him, what single guy WOULDN'T sign up for a show whose sole focus is single girls one-upping the other in sluttiness to get with him?

Ever so briefly, though, this show tugged at my heartstrings and Bret was starting to look like a potential nominee for my Norma Desmond awards. When he busted out that guitar to sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" those girls were predictably in awe of Bret. I was too...in 1988.

And isn't that what makes us (well, some of us) so obsessed with the celebreality phenomenon? Don't we all cling a little (or a lot) to our glory days as we get older? Is F. Scott Fitzgerald right...are there no second acts?

I'm not sure, but, I think Bret will be ok. In this most recent episode, he made the girls perform a "talent" to win him over. This included a girl ironing in a bikini. He also took some girls 4-wheeling.

This might not be his second act, but he's sure enjoying the ride.

I will NOT accept this rose!

I usually reserve this site for commentary (ok, rants) directly about what's on T.V. That's why you'll never see stupid gossip about who's zooming who in Hollywood on this site.

Well, unless I see it on T.V.

But, allow me the exception today. And, since it's about Trista Rehn (or is it Trista Sutter?), the Bachelorette-fame-hanger-on-er, I think it fits the parameters of "T.V.-related".

So Trista's on the cover of US Weekly this week, and while I'm grateful it's not ANOTHER pic of Britney Spears, this is ridiculous! Her fifteen minutes are SO over, but that's not even it.

She's on the cover to promote how she lost the baby weight. US lures you inside with promises of her "exact diet & workout". And of course, me being me, even though I have no baby and therefore no baby weight, I still was curious. I'm sure this same reaction will be had by suburban moms across the country.

Then I read the first day of Trista's "diet".

(Cue the needle off the record.)

Breakfast: A bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats...with Skim Milk.

Here's a list of some of the key ingredients in Frosted Mini-Wheats: sugar, high fructose corn syrup and BHT. What's BHT you ask? It is used to prevent oxidative rancidity of fats. I don't even know what that means...but, ick! In fact, Google BHT. I dare you. It'll send you running to your cupboards to check labels immediately, but I digress.

Some of the other suggestions: grilled cheese (on whole wheat), Nestle Crunch Dibs (please, she's so getting paid off to promote these brands!) and Sunchips.

I know I'm a cynic, but puh-lease. If Trista really followed this diet to get that body, I'll eat that bikini she's wearing.

Actually, maybe not. It might be preserved with BHT.

The Talent Show

So, even though The View claims ratings are higher now than when Rosie was around, I'm a little suspicious. Lately they've had a whole lotta days "filled with hot topics". As in, NO guests. Isn't that cute? All the gals are just gonna coffee tawk it up.

Oh really?

Seems more likely to me that the ole talent bookers are having a problem booking guests. You be the judge. Just one day after a day of hot topics, the guests booked on The View were John Larroquette and Blake Lewis. Now, I realize Larroquette's on the kinda-popular Boston Legal (though he'll always be the Night Court guy to me) and Blake Lewis is (apparently) some beat-boxing American Idol dude but I'm just saying I don't think either is bumping Britney off the front page.

Am I wrong?

Speaking of American Idol, I'm toying with committing to watching it this season. I haven't watched religiously since the Clay Aiken years. It's just so much WORK. I only caught the 2nd half of Tuesday's Philadelphia auditions, but let me just say this: when Idol's good it's very very good - that girl that sold her horse to get to auditions is totally going all the way! And that nanny who sounds like Jewel and who's never been to an R movie? She's an early contender.

But when Idol is bad....it's just bad. Do people really REALLY like those bad auditions? Don't waste my time FOX. I don't want to hear the crazy rants of a Star Trek clad girl or watch some fat dude get waxed.

Please AI, just stick to the talented singers with the inspiring backstories. Bonus points if the contestant is poor, a struggling parent, or otherwise in need of a life makeover.

Finally, the talent pool over at Rock of Love Season 2 is feeling a little shallow. The premise, if you haven't heard by now, is to find a mate for Poison's Bret Michaels. Now, I never got a chance to catch much of Season 1 so this was a little new for me. I even admit I kind of enjoyed its unadulterated crazy (Oh sure, judge me. You know you'll be settling into a marathon by season's end). My only complaint is that some of that cast is beat. They can't find hotter girls for that stripper pole?

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental about the way these girls look. After all, it ain't nothin' but a good time.

DVR Binge

Whatever you do, don't go anywhere tonight. Instead, prepare to get drunk with new content...but sadly, when you awaken tomorrow with your t.v. hangover, there is scant left to look forward to as the writer's strike forges on.

But, buck up little campers, there's no time like the present! Grab that remote and get comfy as you watch new episodes of 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy, ER (yes, dammit, watch ER, it's good! I swear! Last week they even un-earthed old character Jeanie Boulet...who in real life ran off to join Tina Turner's tour), and for a little fluff (ok, major fluff), Big Shots.

Plus, there's still lots-o-reality shows truckin' on. VH1's got the premiere of Celebrity Rehab, which sounds made up but is a real show with marginal celebs. I got a sneak peak at Episode 1, and to see what's become of Jeff Conaway (Kenickie from Grease) is tragic. Don't know that I can stomach this one. I think they should've called this show "Schadenfreude"...though perhaps they're saving that moniker for a Britney/Dr. Phil face off.

I'm going to give Celebrity Apprentice another shot, but honestly, besides Gene Simmons and that Baldwin brother, who the hell ARE these people??

Actually, Celebrity Apprentice and Celebrity Rehab both have a similar problem: when a show needs to put the word 'celebrity' in the title, it probably means they don't have anyone too major, know what I mean? Dancing with the Stars, I'm also talkin' to you!

R.I.P. Golden Globes.

Scott Baio is 46...and Scripted

*SPOILERS*

I'm a little worried. There's no one looking more forward to Season 2 Scott Baio than me, but I caught a sneak peak at the first episode (which airs Sunday, January 13th) and the producers are RUINING it!!!!

I mean, I GET it. I'm not un-cynical enough (or non-industry enough) to believe that we weren't seeing alot of scripted situations in Season 1. But, in the first episode of Season 2, which picks up moments after Scott finds out Renee is pregnant, we're supposed to believe his friends show up where he is (already miked) and his BFF Jason Hervey (THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW) is surprised to hear Renee is pregnant?

Uh, I don't think so.

I'm not even going to mention how annoying Johnny V. is or the fact that he showed up in pajamas that were clearly over his clothes. One of my other (bigger) issues is that Scott goes shopping for a house that he decides to buy on the spot.

More like VH1 forked over some cash for a bigger house to shoot in.

I love Scott, and I pledge devotion to Season 2 because I am as pathetic as all the girls he's dated over the years, but please, VH1, try to hide the puppet strings a LITTLE more? Please?

After all, Scott's no wooden boy...well, actually...Oh, forget it!

Today's Obsession

Can The Today Show please start reporting real news? This show has basically become a bunch of weight loss segments crammed between Britney Spears updates.

On Monday's show, it was particularly evident that they've completely thrown in the towel and no longer even bother to do any research or maintain anything resembling journalistic integrity. When Hota Kotb talked to the extremely hard news-based source at People Magazine, she asked about Britney: Do they know "what kind of drugs she took"? Hey Hota, how about 'allegedly' took? Do you have any tangible evidence that this chick took drugs?

She then follows up that irresponsible statement with a comment about a photo that was published of Britney's mom at a cemetery, saying, "I think she was at her parents' grave?". The dude from PEOPLE had to correct her that it was the grave of Britney's aunt, since Hota didn't so much as Google the damn info to try and get it right.

Sigh.

Actually, I don't want to be accused of being irresponsible myself. One of the Today Show's lead stories was not about weight loss OR Britney...it was about some dude who accidentally turned his skin blue.

I take it back, Today Show. Smurfs are totally news.

Have You Heard About the Lonesome Loser...?

Yes, that's me. My latest guilty pleasure is the Biggest Loser: Couples. Why?
Not because of the handy weight loss tips (What, you don't have an air balloon handy to pull across a field? It's sooooo much better than the treadmill).

Not because I like to continually marvel at trainer Bob's cro-magnum head.

And, not because I like to watch Jillian suffer through her scripted product placement (though watching her shill for Brita with a puss on her face was kinda fun).

I love the romance that I promise you will unfold this season. Paul and Kelly are a couple of exes that have teamed up to lose weight. Listen to mama, this couple will be svelte and back together by the finale. I can taste it.

And I will be front and center like a blubbering idiot.

Brittany and Bernie are two other contestants that I predict will be "together" by season's end. Brittany and Bernie were the two "home" contestants that weren't part of the normal casting process - meaning that they were the only couple who didn't know each other before being paired up. But, I can practically SEE the producers pulling the strings on these two. They sort of both have that cute-people-trapped-in-big-bodies look. I predict these two are totally gonna make out.

And it's not like I don't KNOW the producers are totally manipulating me. I don't care. Who doesn't like a little lovin'?

In fact, maybe they should rename the show "Big Love".
Uh, oops, guess that one's taken.

The '007 Trifecta

So I wanna fit in here in my inaugural year in blogger-ville, and everyone who is anyone ends the year with their faves list. I had to think about this. What were my favorite tv moments of 2007? What were those moments that made me go...did that really just happen?

Yes, these are the winners of the Watercooler Awards...or, to put it in a less politically correct way, I present to you, the WTF? Moments in Television of 2007.

**(And yes, these have spoilers, but if you haven't seen this by now you're never gonna!)**

#3 Flash Forward to Kate and Jack getting off the Island

Yes, Lost got off track, and even I admit that as next season looms, I've forgotten alot of the juicy details that I probably should be keeping track of to figure out this whole thing. But, one thing's for sure, I'm totally coming back to watch. We now know that Jack and Kate got off the island, but at whose expense? That's good stuff.


#2 Jack helps Tracy with therapy

Alec Baldwin as Jack 'role playing' the members of Tracy's family is everything I love about 30 Rock and more. Admit it, you watched and felt a little uncomfortable. Is he REALLY saying these things? This show gives me hope that the sitcom genre is not dead, just...better.


#1 The Sopranos Don't Stop Believin'

This finale of the Sopranos was one of the most brilliant endings in history. Didn't you yell at the holder of the remote in your house? What did you doooooo? Did the power go out? Love it or hate it, people are STILL talking about this...and that means great TV.


And don't worry, we've got plenty to look forward to in January of 2008 alone. Lost returns (I haven't missed castaways this much since Gilligan's Island went off the air). Celebrities go toe to toe on The Apprentice. I'm sorry, I meant "celebrities". And BOTH Sex and the City wannabe's, Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle are coming.

Happy New Year!!!!!

Putting their Eggs in Trump's Basket

For a second you probably thought Rosie and the Donald were having a love child. Now THERE'S a reality show in the making! But no, that's not what we're talking about here.

These are desperate times...at the networks. As the strike roars on, the original programs are almost all gone. So, NBC isn't screwing around. They long for the days when Seinfeld and Friends ruled the roost instead of clinging to Howie Mandel as their ticket out of bad-ratings-ville, but, let's face it, reality shows are now their bread and butter (this means you Biggest Loser!).

Actually, maybe bread and butter is the wrong metaphor here, but you get the gist.

Scrappy NBC announced Celebrity Apprentice was set to debut Jan 10th, so ABC thew up their last new Grey's Anatomy episode against it to well, excuse the phrase, cock block NBC.

Within hours, NBC moved up Celebrity Apprentice to January 3rd so their competition would be repeats. I love this! Good old fashioned network wars. In fact, by the time you read this, the schedule could've changed AGAIN. Whatcha gonna doooooooo, Donald, cry??!?!?!

In this corner, the Peacock. In the other corner, a Mouse.

Who is YOUR money on?

Teen Pregnancy is Having the Best Week Ever!

Ok, so I don't actually work for VH1, but the show is not on this week, and I feel compelled to carry on the torch.

Teen pregnancy is like, totally in y'all - so daddys, you bettah lock up your daughters cuz gettin' knocked up is all the rage.

First, JUNO is suddenly the film to see. This movie, about - you guessed it- teen pregnancy is already getting a zillion award nominations. People are TALKING about it, but that's nothing compared to....

Jamie Lynn Spears?!

So, um, yeah, Nickelodeon is in a bit of a PICKLE as to what to do about promoting new episodes of her squeaky clean show, Zoey 101. But, lest you worry about what Jamie will do for cash if Zoey is no more, no problem, y'all! OK! Magazine is gonna pony up a cool million for baby pix.

And on a totally RANDOM note, Blair from The Facts of Life has apparently weighed in on the subject, supporting Jamie Lynn's 'choices'. I have to admit, I wanna know how this goes. Is there a special media hotline for ex-stars? Who do they call to issue these statements?! Can I call this number?

Whatever. Anyway, this totally would never have happened to Tootie.

Sobering Reality

I'm having withdrawls. I need Scott Baio is 45...and Single to start soon.

I was hoping to get you (or at least, me) a sneak peek at season 2 because I think it's important to start building the excitement for season 2 NOW. Our dear Scotty just had a baby...let the hijinks ensue!

So many burning questions about season 2 - Will it be called Scott Baio is 46...and not really single? Will Renee still have that creepy haircut? Will Erin Moran be his nanny?

Well, no previews for you yet, but I thought you'd enjoy this little ditty - a clip from a 1980 afterschool special called "The Boy Who Drank Too Much".

There are so many things I love about this clip.

First, I love that the alcohol counselor could totally be played by Matthew McConaughey.

I love the girl over Lance Kerwin's left shoulder who is totally overacting behind him and desperately trying to emote and make this her big break as Lance delivers his speech.

I love that the name of Scott Baio's character in this is "Buff Saunders". Surprisingly, this NAME is the closest he's come to porn...well, unless they were rolling at the Playboy Mansion.

I love that Scott Baio's shirt is unbuttoned so far down it looks like he is auditioning for American Gigolo, which coincidentally came out the same year.

Cheers!


Unfortunately for Lance Kerwin, his tv career allegedly ended after...well...he drank too much.

McCarthyism

Andrew McCarthy is coming to TV.

Actually, turns out, he's been there for awhile. Imagine my surprise when I found out he's going to be on the upcoming "Lipstick Jungle" since I'd already seen the promo for it and didn't notice him. Has he gone the way of Jennifer Grey? Do you REMEMBER when she was on Friends as Mindy, Rachel's old friend and no one realized it was her because of that botched nose job? That's what I think might be happening with Andrew. He's been quietly on a bunch of shows and movies of the week-ish looking things over the years, apparently, and I missed them all. Hmmm. I smell a Nip/Tuck cameo, if ya know what I mean. Maybe it's just me, but that is NOT the same face of the brat pack boy I knew.

Which brings me to my next issue with the marketing of Andrew McCarthy 2.0. Whatever network exec is sending out the press release for this show is listing him as Andrew McCarthy from the "Joy Luck Club". When you think of Andrew McCarthy, do you think of the JOY LUCK CLUB???!

You might think, "His name is Blaine? That's a major appliance, not a name!"
You might think, chain smoking and breaking the shower with Ally Sheedy.
And, let's face it, you definitely think, "Weekend at Bernies".

But NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE is associating ANDREW MCCARTHY with Joy Luck Club. NO ONE I tell you!

Anyway, you be the judge. This show isn't coming out for awhile yet, but here's a peek at all-growed-up Andrew McCarthy. He's the one with that annoying girl that was married to Steve on 90210:


He did totally rock in Mannequin.

Knocked Up

Two little curveballs have been thrown my way this week regarding the paternity of a child.

Or have they?

Relax, I'm not on Maury, and I ain't talkin' 'bout no baby daddy of mine. I AM however, talking about two shows: October Road & Brothers and Sisters.

*SPOILERS*

First, Ken Olin appeared at the end of Brothers and Sisters this week. If you don't remember, he and Patricia Wettig (who plays Holli Harper) starred together on "Thirtysomething". His brief scene, where he drops in on Holli at her office featured a seemingly OBVIOUS moment where he sees Rebecca's picture and Holli seems to OBVIOUSLY brush off his inquiry about the OBVIOUSLY placed GIANT pic of Rebecca. Isn't it OBVIOUS? That Rebecca's dad is really Michael Steadman? (Sorry, that was a little inside for you boomer Thirtysomething fans.) So, what I mean is, Ken Olin is OBVIOUSLY her dad, right? Or is he? I venture to say that we'll all be kept wondering about this for awhile. I love a good red herring. Yum.

Meanwhile, over on October Road, we've been teased for a few weeks with Eddie Latekka's seemingly BIG SECRET in the ads. "We gotta tell him". "I have something to tell you and you aren't gonna like it". Whatever the BIG SECRET is, the tv people sure want us to think it's something huge. Is Nick Garrett really Sam's father? They've made it SEEM like that all season. OR, in a shocking plot twist, do they want us to think Eddie Latekka's the dad? And who exactly is the "THEY" that will be writing all this stuff given the strike??!

I digress.

I don't know who Rebecca's dad is. I don't know who Sam's dad is. But one thing I DO know is that babies sure are a groovy plot device. Remember how shocked you were when Rachel on Friends turned out to be the preggers one?

Listen, as long as there are movies and television, there will be plots spun around babies. Fake babies, kidnapped babies, lost babies, wanting a baby...but let's be honest, it's those mysterious baby daddies that always get us.

This means YOU, Darth Vader.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Pop culture has yielded a whole lotta slang words and phrases, and many of them have come out of TV. The other day, I got to thinking, how DO these things catch on? Sometimes, it's unexpected (How YOU doin'?), sometimes it's just so DAMN funny it's destined to enter the lexicon (Stop looking at my VA JAY JAY!), and sometimes, well, sometimes a
BRO-MANCE is just a bro-mance.

But I wanna scream "Where's the beef?" when writers/celebs try to force these things at us, hoping it'll become the next "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?"

On Oprah the other day, she did (shocker) a show on weight loss. On this show, she decided to deem these women "She-ro's". Get it? They are WOMEN and they are HEROES so they are SHE-RO's. What's worse is that she kept reminding us that this is now like, a thing, on Oprah. Heroic women are now called She-ro's. I'm not sure putting down that hoagie warrants heroism (some smaller pants, maybe), but all I know is I haven't found a made up word this annoying since Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw exclaimed that everyone's got S.S.B.

Oh, sorry...that's Secret Single Behavior for you amateurs. D'oh!

Oprah, you're so good at so many things - getting people to buy books, getting presidents elected... but let's face it, you're not getting new words into Webster's. Cross it off your to-do list.

Can you please instead focus your energy on something IMPORTANT?
If you could resurrect SNIGLETS, well that would be legen - Wait for it - dary.

What the (Whole Wide) World Needs Now, is Love, Sweet Love

Some thoughts on the finale of my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor:

*Spoilers*

I can't say I blame Brad for dumping Jenni. I'm sorry, anyone who uses the phrase "the whole wide world" after age eight (as in, verbatim: "if Brad were to get down on one knee and propose to me, I'd be the happiest girl in the whole wide world" and "this is like, one of the worst feelings in the whole wide world) should not be getting married. To anyone.

And I am SURE she dots the "i" in Jenni with a heart.

As for Brad not picking EITHER of the two final girls, well, at least it's better than the usual fakery we endure before the eventual breakup statement is issued. Regardless, the producers went into spin mode immediately on the "After the Final Rose" followup special and trotted out Trista, Ryan and their new baby to show how successful the show is. That's one marriage in 11 seasons. Not sure I'd be psyched if a doctor told me I had a 1 in 11 chance to live.

I'm just saying.

Award for Best Use of Hyperbole: Chris Harrison to the Bachelor: "Everyone in America has a thousand questions for you".

What's up, Doc?

I've spent so much time watching medical shows over the years that I could probably get a job as a...well, candy striper, at least. I know ER has been around for 100 seasons but, I'm telling you, just because at this age they might wanna shift from the ER to the geriatics ward doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it!

There's one reason to watch right now: Maura Tierney.

*Spoilers*

Maura's (MARRIED) character Abby Lockhart has hit the bottle again and this week's episode featured her hitting rock bottom. After too many cocktails, Abby winds up in bed with Stanley Tucci's Dr. Moretti. I mean, after her performace, I felt like I was the one who had gone on a bender and (accidentally when I was drunk) cheated on my husband with Stanley Tucci. Luka is back next week, so it's gonna be good. Add it to your list of (relationshippy-posing-as) medical shows, if you have one. We'll have to forgive ER for stealing the same storyline that Grey's started last season (on Grey's, George fails his boards, now we got that annoying Morris character on ER failing his boards).

Meanwhile, Grey's is bound to pick up now that it's sweeps (strike notwithstanding). It's meandering along, but the Derek/Meredith heat of yesterday has become ho-hum. I'm hanging in, but please give Patrick Dempsey something to do! By the way, did you know Patrick Dempsey was a finalist once upon a time for House (speaking of medical shows)? I digress...the danger of watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Patrick Dempsey while trying to post.

Private Practice isn't so bad. It's basically Grey's Anatomy Lite. You're not going to a high off it, but it ain't gonna hurt you, either.

So I don't watch House OR Scrubs. Sue me for malpractice. All I'm saying is, check out (actually, check INTO) ER. See how Abby is operating in a most disturbing (but fun for us to watch!) way:

Writer...blocked!

I've missed you all. Hopefully, you've missed me.

I'm here to tell you something you may already know: Timewarner Cable is the devil (guess I've kissed any future jobs there goodbye...oops).

For the past two weeks (!) I've had to deal with intermittent non-functioning cable and internet (thus my disappearing act). I know this seems not possible, but it's true. Last night, I was filled with glee hearing that it was (finally) fixed. I burst through the door knowing that I would not have to endure any more silence (the absence of white noise was killing me). So I put on the tv...and...everything's in SPANISH. I couldn't really make this stuff up. Muy mal.

Anyhoo, it's finally fixed, which is good for them because I was about to go all Michael Moore on their ass.

Well, I'm back up and ready to blog away, hungry for the coming holiday...no, not that one, though I do love me some turkey. It's time for SWEEPS!!!!! My favorite time of year! I have so much to catch up on, but now, with the writer's strike, who knows what we'll be seeing.

I can tell you that the previously planned November debut of Cashmere Mafia is already officially on hold so that ABC can launch (hopefully) in the new year. Oh, and by the way, October Road is also supposed to come back with a 2nd season debut end of November (is it just me or should they have debuted, well, in OCTOBER?). I haven't heard of it being impacted...yet.

I know it's hard, kids, what with our favorite shows in jeopardy and all, but we must support the strike. Writers deserve their proper piece of the pie, too, ya know....because without their words, frankly, there's nothing left to say.

Actually, the sun will NOT come out tomorrow...

So, in honor of Halloween, I thought I'd dig you up a spooky treat.
Nope, not where to find the latest marathon of "Omen" movies, or "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".

Tune in to Showtime to see "Life After Tomorrow".

This actually aired last year, but it's been, well, resurrected...and it's kinda scary. How you ask?

It's forty women all unified by the fact that nothing in their lives has ever compared to performing in Annie at age ten(ish). Now THAT's scary.

Add into the mix an interview with some old dude who shows off his massive collection of Annie memorabilia and then proclaims that, um, he's not a pedofile, by the way. He just thinks Annie stuff is super cool. So there. Scarier?

Actually, the doc is pretty fascinating, and kinda sad. It's a cautionary tale that draws you in much the way we've all seen (and watched in a can't help it sort of way) so many child stars fall by the wayside.

Of course, there are exceptions to this large group of contend-ah's. I'll betcha they used as much of the Sarah Jessica Parker interview (clearly their ace in the credibility hole) as they could possibly throw in. And even SJP is wistful for the days of her former hard knock life.

Here's a little sample. And I'd like to nominate the whole group for the Norma Desmond Hall of Fame awards....

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Once in a Lifetime

There are those certain movies that, when they pop up on TV, you can't turn them off. It doesn't matter how many MILLIONS of times you've seen them (or even if they are necessarily good), you still can't change the channel. Rocky (1-4). Cocktail. ANY John Hughes movie.

And then there's Pretty Woman.

Most gals I know can pretty much recite that movie by heart. And, in fact, no matter that in my case, the DVD might be literally sitting NEXT TO the TV. I can't change the channel. It's the same logic that keeps me watching Sex and the City re-runs night after night. (Those DVD's are also in close proximity to my TV.)

HOWEVER..this does not lessen the fury I feel at Lifetime for the shocking editing decision they made in THEIR airing of Pretty Woman. I get it. I know the TV-version of movies gets dubbed or cuts are made for time. But let's keep it real, folks, and put some thought into these choices.

In their infinite wisdom, they cut into arguably the most iconic scene in the movie (and so beloved by fans): the Julia Roberts shopping scene. I don't have to tell you that Richard Gere marching Julia Roberts into the store to make up for her horrid day of being unable to shop (!) is a great moment. But, the folks at Lifetime decided this was not important, apparently. In THEIR version, after Gere hears she had a rough time shopping, they cut right to the montage of Roberts trying on clothes. No hilarious Larry Miller sucking up. No Julia Roberts spitting gum on the sidewalk. Just Roy Orbison-themed clothing shots.

What's next? Will they buy Rocky 2 and cut out Apollo and Rocky climbing the ropes to the finish? Chop out Molly Ringwald getting the guy in Sixteen Candles?

I just can't take this kind of cinematic blasphemy lying down, so, here's the scene as it SHOULD have aired. Oh, and Lifetime folks, do me a favor, please don't colorize my black and white movies, either.