HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

I may not be David Ogilvy, but the fundamentals of advertising are fairly simple to grasp: create a need so people want to buy your product. The Starter Wife has created a need. So, where's the product?

On multiple episodes, they keep playing a 'signature song' every time Debra Messing's character hooks up with a homeless guy. (Wow, that sounds a lot stranger to write than what occurs on the show. I digress...) Anyway, surely a quick visit to the USA/Starter Wife website (which includes such valuable features as the 'whack an ex' videogame) would inform me where to find this song? Nope.

After extensive googling (what did Nancy Drew do before Google?), I discovered that Itunes has an album, "Songs from the Starter Wife". Of course! Easy! But it's not there, either. Just a bunch of forgettable filler songs that I don't even remember being in the show.

Why must you torture me so, USA, WHY?! I mean, I (and other el-dorko chick flickers like me) am practically running down the street with my checkbook. I want to buy this song!!! Is it just ME, or is this a no-brainer opportunity for this new artist and USA to both make money?

Maybe it's just me. Detective skills in tact, I found this dude (I think?) on My Space: http://www.myspace.com/fergusbrown
Click on "Last Winter". You can't buy it, but at least you can hear this Peter Gabriel-ish future star. You heard it here first...well, sort of.

BAIO WATCH

Somewhere in the world is the person that approved this magazine cover.

Ladies, your prayers have been answered. Scott Baio returns to tv July 15!!! 'Scott Baio is 45...and Single' premieres on VH1 in just a few short weeks. Is anyone else filled with glee? Are you humming the Joanie Loves Chachi theme song?

Or maybe you're reminiscing about his EMMY award winning performances (yes, it's true) in the ABC After School Specials "Stoned" and "All the Kids Do It".

Come to think of it, when did they stop airing those things? Maybe this is what's wrong with kids today..no After School Specials! If only Paris and Lindsay had such guidance, the roads (and, let's face it, the world) might be a safer place.

Sigh.

Love Will Keep Us Together

Are we officially out of reality tv concepts? NBC debuted "Age of Love" Monday night. It's the Bachelor - with a twist. And when I say IT'S THE BACHELOR, I sure do mean it.

The twist is, two sets of girls are vying for his love, 40-somethings...and 20-somethings. Everything else is pretty much the Bachelor business as usual.

As a member of the tv industry, I have to overcome a fair amount of cynicism to properly enjoy a show like this...but it's pretty hard. I can practically hear the machinations brewing behind the scenes: casting calls to find bratty, bitchy 20-somethings and hot hot hot "I can't believe you're 48!"/"Look at me!" 40-somethings....can you just say ONE more time for camera how your biological clock is ticking?

Plus, can't these lazy bastards at least not rip off EVERYTHING from The Bachelor? Even the teases to break: "Who will go home broken-hearted?" is stolen. You may as well hire Chris Harrison!

Then, under the category of millllllllllking it, during this show there was a commercial for..."Science of Love". "Science of Love" AND "Age of Love" are BOTH hosted by Mark Consuelos. Do we really need ANOTHER one of these?? Ok, a little research reveals "Science of Love" is actually just a one hour special "event"....but why is Mark Consuelos doing this? And doesn't he look too much like Mark Philippoussis (the bachelor in this) anyway? People reallllllly really want to be on tv.

At any rate, I'm exhausted already and it's only the first night of the series. Anyway, at least we're only days away from Paula Abdul's reality show, "Hey, Paula". I smell a Norma Desmond award hall of famer!!!!!!

Don't Stop Believin'

*Do I really need to warn about spoilers at this point???*

Yes, I too thought the cable had gone wacky at the end of the Sopranos. After contemplation I think the open ended finale is brilliant, though unecessary to chop it off abruptly so that people spend more time rewinding Tivo than trying to 'figure out' the end.

Anyway, there's nothing to figure out. Back in season one, an episode was titled "Nobody Knows Anything", and that applies here. Maybe a more appropriate Journey song would be "Any Way You Want It". The truth is, we don't know. The brilliance of David Chase is, just like life, he doesn't tie things up in a neat little bow. And, let's face it, people are angry. People are talking. And that's what a great ending does.

But in the end this show has always been about the ironic dichotomy of Tony's two lives: the edge of your seat gangster and the everyday trivialities (with its associated annoyances) of family life. And we assume this uneasy coexistence continues long after the camera cuts, and the 'family' goes on. Tony Soprano is forever trapped in between worlds. Turns out LOST hasn't cornered the market on Purgatory. In the words of Tony Soprano:

"Cause, once you're into this family, there's no getting out."

Pay no attention to the GINORMOUS elephant in the living room...

Though it's been my personal vow NEVER to give any ink to Paris Hilton, I have to just address the lame lame lame non-journalism that took place on Friday's Regis and Kelly...er, well, there was no Regis, so Kelly and Neil Patrick Harris (a.k.a Doogie Howser).

I digress.

So there's teeny weeny itty bitty Nicole Richie, on the program to promote the new season of "The Simple Life". If you were born under a rock, it co-stars Paris Hilton. Simultaneously as this show is airing, Hilton is all over the news (the news! Paris Hilton is news!) going back to jail, yet nooooo mention of Paris' situation to Nicole. No softball questions that Nicole can answer with "No comment" or "I'm praying for her". Just no mention of it whatsoever?

Shame on you, Gelman. And you call yourself a producer.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Sunday night's second to last episode of the Sopranos was a bloodbath. You know it's a good show when you scream out loud while watching alone.

Or maybe that's just me.

First, just a minor plot grievance: Tony's off in hiding, and Carmella and Meadow head over to Janice's to console her. Does this mean suicidal A.J. was left at home alone? Hmmm.

Anyone else think that Tony was going to blow his OWN head off for a quick second at the end when he was clutching the gun? That COULD happen next week. Well, maybe. My other prediction that Adriana is still alive doesn't seem to be panning out, after all. Let's face it: next week is a wild card, but I think this dude's going down.

Either way, expect some homages to The Godfather/Goodfellas etc. next week...now THAT you can take to the bank.

GREY AREA

*Spoiler Alert* I'm talking about plot points of the finale here...do not read ahead if you haven't watched yet!!

I NEED A DOSE OF EPI:
The season as a whole has been uneven. It seems to me that once the writers got Derek and Meredith together, they panicked because there was suddenly no more conflict. Breaking them up via Addison's arrival was brilliant. Heading them towards a breakup for reasons that seem sort of wafer thin seems disappointing. Did i miss something? Derek's pissed because she tried to drown herself? That's how she's "not there for him?" Also, doesn't it seem like Meredith bounced back rather quickly from her stepmother's death (not to mention her dad backhanding her AND blaming her!).

That said, the episode as a whole was really good. Whoever this new "Grey" character is might be just the thing to stir things up with Derek and Meredith.

I CAN'T DIAGNOSE THIS:
How come the new interns seemed to know George was the "failed intern"? Was there a scarlet F on his locker?
And how come Richard seemed to be clueless that he could be the father of Adele's baby? Did he catch Alzheimer's from Ellis Grey and forget he and Adele had sex?

HEALTHY PROGNOSIS:
Love that George failed the exam. Nice little plot twist and can't wait to see what he does next.
We all love Dr. Bailey. Everyone. Find me anyone who watches the show who doesn't love her. And so I am hopeful (though not SURE) that next season she can get more screen time in this new dynamic where she's under Callie. That has the potential to be great.

FLATLINE:
I can't believe Burke is gone. Despite his obviously horrid off camera antics, I actually grew to really love Burke and Christina as a couple this season...and with the recent Derek and Meredith snooze-fest, I was really kind of liking them more! Plus, me being the ridiculous romantic that I am, I thought when Burke walked down the aisle to go get Christina, he was going to go get her and walk her up the aisle so they could do it together. Awww. That woulda been nice, but ABC crushed my dreams. Too bad they haven't contacted me to write for the show. But of course as I've said before, if I was writing the show, Addison would've been preggers with McDreamy's baby and that would've been a deliciously more interesting plot device to keep McDreamy and Meredith apart!

The Mouse Roars

ABC's showing was strong today, and it looks like they'll coast on the success of their existing hits. News of note regarding some of the shows on the fall schedule (and no I'm not talking about the Grey's spinoff today):

GOOD NEWS:

BIG SHOTS - About dysfunctional CEO's, it stars Michael Vartan AND Dylan McDermott. Setting my tivo NOW, though I have to admit I'm unsure how this differs from...

DIRTY SEXY MONEY - From the ABC press release "Power, privilege and family money are a volatile cocktail." The boys are not as cute on this show, though it does have Billy Baldwin.

CASHMERE MAFIA - ABC's answer to NBC's Lipstick Jungle. If you're keeping score, Lipstick Jungle is based on a Candace Bushnell book, just like Sex and the City was. Cashmere Mafia has nothing to do with Candace Bushnell, but it has Executive Producer Darren Star, who produced Sex and the City. Got it now? Later we can play the Kevin Bacon game!

BAD NEWS:
CAVEMEN - The show revolving around the Geico commercial characters is on the fall schedule.

WHAT ABOUT BRIAN is officially over. Damn you Barry Watson, why did you cut your hair?

MUST SEE TV?

The NBC Upfronts were today. Arguably, the most talked about new NBC show is "Lipstick Jungle" and it's only a midseason replacement?! Paging Mr. Zucker, it's been MANY a moon since the Seinfeld/Friends heydey. You need to do something BIG to get back to the glory days. And while Lipstick Jungle is going to try to be Sex and the City, and will likely fail (sorry to be a hater), why wait to find out?! It COULD be a contend-a.

By the way, what is the difference between Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia? Anyone? Anyone?

Now, just to demolish my street cred, I have never seen Heroes. I also do not watch the Office. I am an island, and NBC will never, ever hire me.

PS. Who is this woman playing the 2007 " The Bionic Woman"????

Summer Breeze, Makes Me Feel Fine...

In a few weeks, a few things are certain:
The Sopranos will be over FOREVER.
Lost will be off until next season (which is like, super far away I might add).
Something BIG will happen to SOMEBODY on Grey's Anatomy (ok that's just safe bet speculation on my part).

This leaves us spending our summer mourning the loss of a legendary show, wondering if the island inhabitants are alive or dead or WHAT, and wondering how we'll get through the week without new McDreamy to look forward to. Ok, um, actually...the last one might be JUST ME.

Fear not, my tv-loving friends! You don't have to spend the summer under the sun's dangerous UV rays! Stay inside, where it's safe...and watch tv! A few summer-premiering shows for you to contemplate, along with my total assessment of each, sight unseen. Not to be judgmental or anything.

PURE CAR WRECK AWARD: The Ex-Wives Club, a reality show starring Shar Jackson, Marla Maples, and Angie Everheart giving makeovers and advice to people going thru bad breakups/divorces. Instead of Ty Pennington yelling "Move that bus!" they yell "Move that prenup!" at the close of each episode. Ok, I totally made that last part up, but it FEELS true.

CURIOSITY AWARD: Too Big to Walk...ok, I am not making this up, the premise of the show: overweight people walk 500 miles.

WOULD RATHER DROWN UNDER A BRUTAL WAVE THAT BASHES MY SKULL REPEATEDLY INTO THE ROCKS KILLING ME IN A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH THAN WATCH AWARD: Untitled Victoria Beckham Project. Sorry, this chick freaks me out.

WELL AT LEAST THEY GOT SPIELBERG ATTACHED EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A RIPOFF OF PROJECT GREENLIGHT AWARD: In the ultimate Frankenstein-like pairing, Mark Burnett and Steven Spielberg team up for a show that has 16 undiscovered talents competing for a development deal at Dreamworks. Is anyone else sad that Spielberg is doing this show (but of course we'll watch it anyway)?

And don't forget, next week is the UPFRONTS!!!!! Lots more announcements to come about all the new shows...that you can spend your summer looking forward to. Surf's up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ER CPR

Am I the only one still watching ER all these years later? True, even I strayed for a few seasons there somewhere in between Mark Greene's brain tumor and Dr. Romano getting killed by a wayward helicopter, but as escapist drama goes, all the new faces add up to a pretty solid ensemble.

There is nothing groundbreaking here. John Stamos is clearly positioned as the next generation's George Clooney, and you know what? He's doing a pretty damn good job, even if it almost seems like he's been renting old ER dvd's and watching them over and over so as to perfect the signature Clooney sexy head tilt. But, if we can't have the REAL George, John Stamos is not so shabby...sort of like Splenda instead of sugar. To that end, an episode with a wedding in May is of course TV ratings 101, but again, we'll take it (And by we, I mean us chick-tv loving gals.) Even though I personally find Parminder Nagra's character incredibly annoying, you Bend it like Beckham fans seem to like her, so I think it's just me.

ER may have passed its prime, and no one is gathered around the water cooler talking about this show anymore...but it hits its marks consistently and if you're looking to be entertained, ER's still churning it out, week after week, after all of these years. Next week, Stanley Tucci joins the cast, which can only mean good things.

Check out the last 10 minutes of last Thursday's show. If you do watch - spoiler alert - there's a sweeps-style plot twist at the end, all set to the incredibly fabulous Tom Waits tune, "World Keeps Turning".



Oh, and how could I forget, while we're talking ER and all...HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE CLOONEY!!!

Deep Brady Bunch Thoughts

Of course I was filled with joy at the prospect of a Brady Bunch reunion at the TV Land Awards. Just some random musings as I watched what was surely a seminal moment in pop culture:

-Why does Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady) style her hair as though she were Leather Tuscadero in 1983?

-Is Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) wearing a big coat to disguise how much weight she did (or didn't lose) on Celebrity Fit Club? [Spoiler Alert! Do not watch the clip through to the finale if you don't want the answer to the weight loss question.]

-But on the other hand, why does Barry Williams (Greg Brady) wear a coat on stage? Is he on his way to flash someone?

-The Norma Desmond Award: I'm calling it a tie. YOU decide!
Is it Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) for approaching his 'acceptance' speech as though he'd just won an Oscar...
OR
Barry Williams for his unspeakable glee every time the camera was on him, and who was in, like, every shot of the musical finale.

-Where oh where are you, Eve Plumb/Jan Brady???

Sinking to a new low

As I was watching the channel 7 news (ABC in NYC) incessant coverage of ALL THE RAIN, I couldn't help but be particularly sickened by Jeff Rossen's media whore approach to this 'story'. As he pointed out a person trapped in his car who was sinking rapidly, he proclaimed with sincerity "Don't go out in the storm, this is what can happen to you!" A cautionary tale, right? What a great guy, right?

Um, in his next breath, he reveals he and his camera folk can probably get him out...and they'll try AFTER the broadcast. I guess because he needs a few more shots of this poor guy potentially drowning in his car.

If my quick trip to good old Google is accurate, this moron is the same character that was in Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine" - the idiot reporter who kept checking his hair in between takes of covering the carnage.

Hey, Jeff, the rain is totally making your hair frizz.

Tis the Season...

With the kickoff of the Sopranos final episodes, it got me to thinking about finales. Sure, you can probably rattle off some great (and sometimes controversial) endings. Bob Newhart: "It was all a dream"; Sex and the City: Carrie goes to Paris/ends up with Mr. Big. The Seinfeld Trial.

But what about SEASON finales? Which ones left you thinking, HOW can I wait all summer for the answer??! Of course, I'm talking beyond Who Shot J.R.? I was thinking about this for awhile, and Friends really cornered the market on great cliffhangers. Just think, going all the way back to THE ONE WHERE Rachel rushes to see Ross at the airport once she finds out about his feelings for her...and he's getting off the plane with new girlfriend, Julie. But that was the kiddie pool compared to THE ONES WHERE: Ross says Rachel at his wedding to Emily; Chandler and Monica decide to elope in Vegas and discover a very drunk Ross and Rachel have beat them to the chapel and, finally, THE ONE WHERE everyone thinks Monica is pregnant as she marries Chandler, only to reveal in the final few seconds that RACHEL is the one who is pregnant.

Junior runner up: Felicity must decide: Noel or Ben?

But, I don't want to be TOO stuck in the past, so thinking about the shows that are, like, still airing, that's no contest. Screw Lost. Grey's, you still have me won over in that department. Season 1's surprise introduction of Derek's WIFE after a season long courtship of Meredith was just the warmup for Season 2's explosive affair between Derek and Meredith at the hospital "prom". And if that weren't enough, Izzy risks everything (including unknowingly, Burke's life) to get Denny his heart. After a successful operation and one spontaneous marriage proposal to her (paging Florence Nightingale), he kicks it anyway.

I gotta get me some more of that good tv!!!

Feast or Famine

How many weeks of reruns, retrospectives, and just plain nothing to watch on Sunday has there been? Suddenly, it's a tv bonanza! New Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters, but that of course had to take a backseat to the Sopranos (8 eps to go!) and Entourage. But wait, over on A&E, I had a morbid curiosity to check out "Sons of Hollywood" since the promo team at A&E actually did a good job of teasing me with scenes of Randy Spelling getting the news about his dad Aaron Spelling's death. They also made me want to watch Gene Simmons Family Jewels with a teaser about Gene's facelift. Both are on my DVR, hopefully Randy's show is better than his big sis?

Meanwhile, back in Sopranos-land...so good. So so good. And over on Entourage...is it just me or was the boat guy that Turtle was negotiating with the guy that played Mr. Treeger on Friends...you know, the super that made Rachel cry and made Joey help him learn to dance? Why am I cursed with this useless gift????

R.I.P. Six Degrees

Stop the Bleeding!

On the heels of my earlier post (bitch session) lamenting all the clip show rehashes...ABC just announced that on April 12th they will air "Grey's Anatomy: Every Moment Counts", a retrospective of the best moments of the last 3 seasons. And this week looks to be a repeat, too, so no new Grey's for awhile as far as I can tell. Do we really need all the clip shows to catch up when all we do is watch old episodes over and over?! Sigh. At least it's being hosted by Jeffrey Dean Morgan (the dearly departed Denny). Yum.

Sibling Rivalry

You know, despite my kvetching about some of ABC's recent programming decisions, at least they have lots of programs worth talking about! Brothers & Sisters has quietly hit its stride and is becoming a really good show. The characters are all so humorously flawed and it's become quite engaging to watch...Rachel Griffiths is a standout and you can just feel her ANGST in every scene. Rob Lowe is fabulous and quite lovable, let's hope they keep him around. Even Calista Flockhart is rising above her Ally McBealisms and becoming pretty good.
Meanwhile, it occurred to me during last night's closing music montage wrap up (are there any dramas left that don't end their shows this way by the way?) that Amos Lee has become the king of the drama soundtrack. If my facts are correct, besides Brothers and Sisters, his music has popped up on Grey's, What About Brian, Six Degrees, and over at NBC on ER, just to name a few. Check out his songs "Colors" and "Sympathize" and maybe it'll put you into a montage mood...

Desperate for the truth!

I'm beginning to even bore MYSELF with yet another rant against the network establishment but...stop luring us to your shows under false pretenses! ABC's promo promised an ALL NEW Desperate Housewives but it was the 'ol bait and switch...just another damn clip show. If you're so keen on the clip shows because they are a cheap way to fill the hour, then how about using them where they make sense...like as a refresher prior to the return of Six Degrees, the show no one had seen in months! And is it just me or have there been an unusual amount of clip/catch up shows during Desperate Housewives' entire run? This show is not exactly hard to follow, we're not dealing with LOST here...Sigh. Didn't NBC do the same sneaky thing with The Office a few weeks ago? At least my DVR still loves me. It didn't lie. It revealed to me that this was a highlight show. Thanks DVR. This is why I love you, because you always tell it like it is.

Hey kids, just a reminder, with a night filled with NEW episodes, last week CBS kicked ABC's repeat laden booty in the ratings on Thursday night. This week, Grey's is once again scheduled to be a repeat...unless the suits go into crisis mode and move up the new shows...which they might want to consider doing since they're not exactly doing October Road any favors with the sloppy seconds lead in...

Don't Tell Josh Six Degrees is Dead!

So, Six Degrees is back, and it's actually better. Dare I say I sorta liked it? Sadly, the ratings were far from stellar, probably because ABC has spent all of their ad dollars on Dancing with the Stars. I was a little perplexed by ABC's casting of Jason Lewis as Whitney (Bridget Moynahan)'s love interest this week - is he or his agent sleeping with someone at ABC? Just wondering. I mean, he's already a semi-regular on Brothers and Sisters, they couldn't find another hot guy to fill this slot?? Also, is it just me or is something wrong with his face now, like he's been in the sun for 100 years or something? Anyhoo, I digress...

Josh Charles is joining the cast in what seems to be an effort to save the show. Not that I don't love Josh: great in Dead Poets, classically great in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (why so many 'dead' shows?....I digress again). Now, Josh is a fine addition, but he's not really a "Heather Locklear lucky charm" type if ya know what I mean....Well Josh, I wish you the best of luck in saving this show regardless, as I think it has potential.


Filing under the "I should run the network" category...why not some advertising that bites off that six degrees concept with a viral campaign encouraging folks to 'tell a friend' - you know, like that shampoo commercial did in the 70's. You'll tell two friends, and she'll tell two friends, and so on and so on and so on...