Boys Will Be Boys

I'm trying to get into American Idol this season. Really, I am. Unfortunately, my commitment tends to mimic my gym-going habits: I start out strong, but eventually my attention wanes and I blow it off. This freaking thing is on THREE times this week? I promise you that's more times then I will do cardio. So, I guess the moral to the story is...ok there is no moral, but a few months from now I'll be fat with no new music.

Anyhoo, I'm giving it a shot, and I watched the boy's (men's?) night on Tuesday where they sang 60's songs. I thought mostly it was filled with a bunch of Tiger Beat-ish boys that I guess could steal Clay Aiken's fans, but very few I could get excited about. Mostly because I am over 18.

But, speaking of age, American Idol is totally having an identity crisis. Admittedly, I haven't paid attention to A.I. in a long time, but besides the preponderance of (seemingly) prepubescent youth, there were TWO guys that said they were 29. When did they raise the age limit? And isn't it sort of horrifying to be 29 and participating in a group called the Top 12 Boys? [By the way, I'm talkin' to YOU, New Kids on the Block reunion.]

Now, it wasn't all bad. On the opposite spectrum from the pre-teen hearthrobs, I thought Luke-the-carpet-cleaner-guy (totally his name going forward) was very hot even though he looked like he just came from work...at his carpet cleaning job. At what point in this competition do these kids get a stylist?







Also, kinda into the future-Bret-Michaels guy (as he will forevermore be referred to by me), Robbie Carrico.

Other thoughts? I can only hope that the voters will get rid of that Jason Yeager kid immediately for ruining Moon River for me forever. That song should stay immortalized the way it's supposed to.

No, NOT as the theme song from Breakfast at Tiffany's. For me, it's the "Big is leaving New York" song from Sex and the City.

It's my blog and I'll write that if I want to...

Down 'n Dirty

Bret Michaels HAS to be sitting around going, "I can't believe I get paid to do this".

This week's episode of "Rock of Love" featured the remaining whores girls competing in mud football which is basically female mud wrestling...but with a football. The 'winner' then got to have dinner with Bret...IN A LINGERIE STORE.

God bless the American Dream. Or at least, Bret Michaels' American Dream.

I continue to be perplexed by the casting of these girls, however. I imagine that slutty fake-boobed, big haired chicks aren't too hard to um, come by in L.A. But let's be real, most of these girls are NOT CUTE.

On the bright side, at least some of their not-cuteness is in a retro sort of way and takes me back to some good 'ol 80's fun.

Like Catherine. One of the other girls actually called her Peggy Bundy and I certainly can't improve upon that. Also, at least I can say God bless VH1 for not dealing in ageism cuz this chick is 45, which in the dog years of most bachelor-type reality shows is like 100. Hell, they may as well throw that old chick from Titanic into the mix.










And then there's Peyton. Oh Peyton. What is it about you that just immediately conjures up Marlboro Reds and Aqua Net? And you just KNOW her perfume is like, Love's Baby Soft or something. Do they still make that?

But mostly, when I look at Peyton, something else springs to mind: Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days.

Is it JUST me?

Either way, with Leather Tuscadero on the brain, it reminds me that I miss Happy Days. I especially miss Happy Days' VERY SPECIAL EPISODES...and actually, I miss VERY SPECIAL episodes in general.

Oh well, maybe they'll come back someday...just hopefully not on Rock of Love.

Well Played

*Spoilers*

When your show is called "Scott Baio is 46...and Pregnant", it surely presents a problem when cameras aren't allowed in the delivery room. In Sunday night's episode, Renee finally gives birth, but other than a few moments of waiting around, largely, the climactic birth scene occurs off camera.

Surprising? Maybe. And I'm not sure if this was dictated by the situation (hospitals often have filming clauses that kick out cameras if births become of the operating room-variety). It's hard to know if this was pre-planned or not. Maybe Scott Baio actually had a change of heart about revealing too much.

Unfortunately, this season, not-revealing-too-much has actually been a problem. Though I was a huge fan of season 1, as anyone who reads this blog knows, this season has felt largely contrived thus far, like Baio and friends were still playing along with the concept of the show but only on their terms. Other than what-I-hope-weren't-fake tears when Scott visited a church, it's been a little...soulless.

But, by NOT allowing cameras into the delivery room, something far better was revealed.

Behind all the silliness, when this show is good, it has heart. Through intimate photos and audio from the delivery room, a montage set to The Pretenders' "Hymn to Her" told the emotional story. They went for the sappy jugular and they got me. Sue me.

(Now, before you roll your eyes at my complete and utter descent into schmaltz-ville, I will say that the cynical side of me can almost hear VH1 screaming, "What do you mean you don't have the F-ing birth on camera?!!!!")

That aside, something else fun happened. I realized that this show has been quietly and effectively digging up a lot of great (mostly 80's) music worth checking out.

Until this episode, I'd never heard of Hymn to Her, a 1986 Pretenders song (uh, have you?).

And I bet sentimental freaks just like me are running all over the internet to find this song as we speak.

It was also nice to see Aha's song The Sun Always Shines on TV get some new life. Damn, once an 80's girl, always an 80's girl.

But don't worry, in case you think I've totally gotten sucked into some kind of overly emotional vortex, I also liked the Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me/car wash combo to convey that Renee and Scott were going to pretend for the cameras to fill a plot hole have sex.

In case you missed this episode, go to VH1.com for more airings. It IS VH1, so there's like, alot.

Jungle Boogie

Last week, when Lipstick Jungle premiered I definitely thought it was D.O.A., but last night's episode surprised me. While I'm not exactly upgrading this show to Season Pass status, I'm going to hang in and give it a chance.

My thoughts on the episode:

First, THE GOOD:
The addition of Lorraine Bracco as Brooke Shield's adversary was a great call. I loved her nastiness. The icy condescension that oozed from her lips everytime she called Brooke's character "hun" was a testament to Lorraine's genius as an actress. And when she told Brooke "You must have me confused with your shrink"...well now THAT's a testament to the writers. I can't wait to see what's next for Lorraine's character...though I do wish she didn't look like she'd jumped into some speed-up-the-aging time machine and a little bit like Kirstie Alley's long lost sister.

Now, THE BAD:
This episode opened with a fax machine spitting out box office numbers. I know, this is supposed to telegraph for me, as a viewer, that Brooke Shields's character Wendy is a busy executive that works all the time, even when she's home. Sure she does. And that's why those numbers would be emailed to her Blackberry. The last time I recall a fax machine delivering significant plot-hinging info was in [pre-crazy Tom Cruise's] The Firm....in 1993.

Welcome to the new Millennium, Lipstick Jungle!

...and THE UGLY
Seriously, what is going on with Brooke Shields?! They have made her look so bad on this show it's embarrassing. And not in a deliberate "This-character-is-going-through-a-hard-time-so-we're-going-to-make-her-look-fake-haggard" kind of way. No, this is in a "Fire Your Makeup Artist" (and while you're at it, the Lighting person, too) kind of way.
Damn, if they can't make freakin' BROOKE SHIELDS look good, well, let's just say I would run for the hills if I ever saw Lipstick Jungle cameras comin' my way!








Oh, and THE RANDOM
The storyline about Victory Ford's (Lindsay Price) quest for an old hat was stupid, BUT I am starting to catch a teeny weeny fever for an Andrew McCarthy comeback.

What about Prom, Blaine?!!!!

Relationships Worse Than Yours

In honor of bringing all of the Valentine's Day celebrating to a close, I bring you this bonus post.

Feeling blue that your partner couldn't even manage to buy you carnations from your local deli? Does your romantic night out involve the phrase "Do you wanna supersize that?" [I'm talking dinner. Get your mind out of the gutter. Or don't. No judgments.]

Buck up little campers! It could be worse. You could be one half of one of THESE couples...

Jack and Kate on LOST. Ok, technically they're not a couple. But, whoever ends up with this dude has a built-in future that involves him growing a gross beard, being drunk all the time and wanting to jump off a bridge. Not fun.




Ross and Rachel on FRIENDS. 'On a break' my ass. Cheater.

















Kelly & Dylan, Kelly & Brandon on 90210. Three words of caution to would-be Kelly suitors: "I choose me".






Izzy & Denny on GREY'S ANATOMY. Whenever a defibrillator figures heavily into your courtship, it can't be good.



Enjoy your overpriced dinner tonight!
Mwah!

Idol Chatter

It's not really even fair that I'm writing about American Idol. I've never watched consistently, EXCEPT during the Clay Aiken season where I actually voted (alot) for some hairdresser from Connecticut. (Speaking of which, oh dear Julia DeMato. Where did it all go wrong? Your Wikipedia profile has relegated you to a sadly cliche 'where are they now?' scrap heap.)

I do love that this aforementioned bio describes Julia as an "American professional cosmetologist and singer". I'm pretty sure anytime someone has to insert the word "professional" before your job title, you're um...not. Even if you are, in fact, American.

Regardless, since the Clay vs. Ruben year, I haven't really paid attention.

It's not that I haven't followed what's been going on. The fall and rise of Jennifer Hudson was a great human interest story. It's pretty cool that she won the Oscar and that she's going to ruin be in the Sex and the City movie. Sanjaya's hair is apparently worth mentioning.

But I'm just not a die-hard. (Not like a certain well-known tv personality who once upon a time sent me on a very Devil Wears Prada-esque errand to hunt him down a copy of an Idol episode before he got on a flight...but I digress.) And it's not that I don't understand the phenomenon...I just can't commit so many hours to ONE show!

Again this week, perhaps a parallel to my dating life. Damn Valentine's Day Hallmark commercials got me crazy. Focus, Krista. Focus!

That long ass preamble aside, I've checked out some of the early auditions, and I'll say this: I'm no music exec, but they made a big mistake sending home Angela Martin. Besides the easy part - girl can sing - the story sells itself! Pregnant in high school, now her kid is sick, and a new development after her first audition...her father just died. Hello? America loves a good sob story. What were they thinking?

Plus, I thought the holidays were over, but apparently not, so let me sing it for you: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

It's hard to commit to a new show. Your time is limited, your DVR is packed, but don't you just love it when you find your 'new' Sopranos? Or Sex and the City? I've tried to help over the past year, championing a few long shots that are worth your while, but frankly, sometimes it's a losing battle and it leaves me heartbroken. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'm ready to fall in love...with some new shows. It's just so hard when you want the newbies to be good and they're just...not.

This is starting to sound like alot of my relationships.

Remember "What about Brian"? It started out as a promising tale of unrequited love and ended in a mishmash of random characters from 90210. (I mean that figuratively AND literally. Tiffani Amber Theissen was brought on late in the game to sex it up.)

And where are you, VH1's The Agency? We had some good times. I thought for sure there would be a season 2. Was it something I said?

And then there's those other shows...the ones that leave you totally hangin' with no closure. As cheesy as it was, I am still bitter that Fox pulled the plug on Reunion before revealing the killer back in '05.

I'll never know why Peter Horton joined the cast of Six Degrees.

And now, I have a funny feeling I will never know the identity of Sam's father on October Road. I know, you're thinking "But I don't watch October Road". And you're probably not going to, but I have been hanging onto that show like it's date 3 with a sorta cute (ok, boring) guy who I agree to go out with again because I'm 36 I'm still optimistic there's potential.

The most recent episode was just so desperate feeling. Not only was there a requisite cringe-inducing montage to Kiss' Rock & Roll All Night (note to TV producers in general: ENOUGH with the montages! Even MTV doesn't play music videos!) but now poor desperate October Road is just pulling out all the stops. A mysterious guest star (hi random casting, it's me, october road...is Armand Assante available?)! The dad has cancer! It's a secret!

I want October Road to be what it set out to be: the weekly updated version of the movie Beautiful Girls. Sadly, it's not. I feel so misled, and I've said it before: I'm just not that into you.

I hate freakin' Valentine's Day.

PS. Welcome back, TV writers! We've missed you. Now, please write me some new shows!

Mytunes

I hadn't actually planned to watch the Grammy Awards this year.

It's not that I don't love music. In fact, I'm your typical Ipod drone who is lucky not to get hit by a car each morning, walking to the subway absorbed in my current "new year's resolution mix" (or whatever cheesy mix title I have decided on for the week). It's just that I am a little out of touch with all of the hipsters of the top 40. In fact, most of the songs that end up in my Itunes "Just for you" cart (recommendations based on my purchases) are of the Classic Rock variety...ok, and one recent really embarrassing Hannah Montana recommendation, but I digress.

But, I'm so glad I watched.

I got to see Alicia Keys kick things off with her Frank Sinatra (video) duet and it was awesome. Awesome enough that my dad called and asked "who is this Alicia Keys?" And then I felt like the hipster. How 'bout that? (I still can't get him to understand what Itunes is, but...baby steps.)

And that's what the Grammy's are supposed to do...bring old and new generations of music lovers together, and there was lots of that.

Now, ON THE OTHER HAND, I'm not sure the world was waiting for a "The Time" reunion, but it was fun seeing MC Hammer Morris Day performing again in that gold suit.

Also, I still don't know the difference between Album of the Year, Song of the Year and Record of the Year.

Only two weeks until the Oscars!

Judging a Book by its Cover

When word first spread that both Lipstick Jungle AND Cashmere Mafia were to premiere this season, the media was abuzz with Sex and the City comparisons. But it also set off a tsunami of shameless gossip that it was war between Candace Bushnell and Darren Star.

All was well when they were both making Sex: Candace was the writer of the book Sex and the City was based on; Darren was the executive producer of this and many other soap-sational series. We all loved Sex and the City. Plenty of glory for everybody. But now on opposite sides, we were all left to wonder....was there still enough love to go around?

Going into this, I thought Lipstick might have the edge. With Candace attached, it certainly looked good on paper. Brooke Shields is a big name. How could it go wrong?

But boy was I wrong. Back in August, I became concerned on this here blog that in the promos of Lipstick, the characters were made up to look like dowdy caricatures. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

And when I say iceberg, I mean, as in...up ahead.

You see, I don't mind if my shows are realistic, for the most part. I even enjoy a little fluff and fantasy. Even when people were bitching about Sarah Jessica Parker's over the top outfits on Sex and the City, I was the girl running out to buy a (ridiculously oversized) flower to pin to my lapel. So, over on Cashmere Mafia, the characters are super shiny and glossy and it's pure pop, but that's ok...they have costume designer legend Pat Field and it shows. That is clearly one of their aces in the hole. Not so coincidentally it was Ms. Field who put SJP in those defining outfits on SATC. And quite frankly, for an hour each week, I'll gladly escape into these rich ladies' problems and occasionally fantasize that someday I can afford a Birkin bag.

But Lipstick Jungle? It's more Maybelline than La Mer..and I mean that literally. Maybelline was a sponsor urging YOU to get "the Lipstick Jungle look".

Um, no thanks. They actually found a way to make Brooke Shields look bad. Her drab makeup made her look sadly blah, and it seemed like in every scene she was wearing the same suit I wore on my job interview at Calvin Klein nearly ten years ago. I, too, thought I looked fashionable, but whereas Banana Republic might've been the (only) choice for me on my poverty-induced budget, Brooke Shields' character is supposed to be president of a movie studio? Even her cell phone was irritating! They couldn't even get a Blackberry or Iphone? No bluetooth?

But the most egregious offense for me was the sloppy editing. Or should I blame the bad shooting? (There was a shot left in where the camera was literally shaking as what-I-can-only assume was a bus went by. Or maybe it was a fighter plane.) This was film school bad. I stopped counting all of the mistakes about 30 minutes in but some of the highlights were Andrew McCarthy laughing and then they'd cut to a close up and PRESTO-CHANGO he's suddenly serious. My favorite? In one particular scene Brooke Shields' line is dubbed in...but her lips are...not...moving! I don't want to be harsh. Maybe it wasn't dubbed. Maybe Brooke's become a ventriloquist in her spare time.

Despite the hype, neither show is really a Sex ripoff. Yes, they're all about women in NYC but honestly LOST and Gilligan's Island are both about castaways and no one is trying to shove those two shows in the same category. Now, I've had more of a chance to warm up to Cashmere Mafia since I've seen more episodes and in truth I didn't love that first one either. So, I'm going to keep watching both, but so far this ain't exactly close.

Verdict: Cashmere covers Lipstick.

Pushing the (possibly only) Envelope

Is it wrong that I loved almost every second of the S.A.G. Awards? Is it because I haven't seen an awards show in awhile or was it really good?

Feel free to weigh in. Maybe it's because I agreed with (almost) every award. I knew it was going to be good when they started off by getting it right and giving the Sopranos the recognition they deserved.

I was so giddy from the speeches and all I decided to give out some awards of my own...

Missed opportunity of the night award: Alec Baldwin won for 30 Rock, but was MIA, so we didn't get to see him accept his richly deserved recognition by his peers and give (what I'm sure would've been) a great speech.

Which of course gave way to the...

Fakest smile of the night award: Jeremy Piven, who, right after LOSING to MIA Alec Baldwin, flashed those pearly whites only AFTER he realized the camera was on him.

Guy who made the girls (or at least, this one) swoon award : Javier Bardem, who for some reason can pull off that open shirt thing without looking cheesy. His genuine speech just made him hotter.

"I am definitely the only person on the planet who noticed this" award: THAT goes to me, for noticing that the very first clip in the Charles Durning Lifetime Achievement Award montage was from giant 1983 flop Twist of Fate, the ill-conceived John Travolta/Olivia Newton-John post-Grease re-pairing. Seriously? That's your choice to kick off the showcase of this talented actor's body of work, editor-person? Not Dog Day Afternoon? Not The Sting? Um, o.k., Twist of Fate. Whatever.

Speaking of Charles Durning...The "It's never too late to get it right, so get off your ass " Inspiration Award: It's a tie between both of these gentlemen who appeared at the awards:
1. Charles Durning - who didn't appear on screen till he was FORTY!
2. Mickey Rooney - who was married SEVEN times before meeting his current (and eighth) wife...who he's been married to for THIRTY years!

The "sure wish we'd submitted a different clip" award: people from Weeds, whose clip included Mary-Kate Olsen, less than a week after her name was splashed all over the headlines in connection with Heath Ledger's death.

And while we're on THAT subject...the "I guess we're not going to bother to re-edit the dead people montage in any respectful way and instead we're just gonna shove the Heath Ledger clip with no audio at the end after the fade to black when the music has stopped and the audience is wondering 'where's the Heath Ledger clip?' " award: editor-person that edited this montage...perhaps it's the same genius that cut together the Charles Durning piece? At least Daniel Day-Lewis paid tribute to Heath in his speech in a respectful way...even though I hate myself a little for letting the teeny-tiny cynic in my soul wonder a little bit if this was fake, especially since Daniel also talked about Heath on Oprah...and has said he didn't know him.

As Tom Cruise presented the last award of the evening, I longed for the days when I thought he was a hot movie star and not a crazy alien. I wonder if I will ever again be able to see him as anything other than a punchline.

Not to be, ya know, glib.

I'm a Little Bit Country

We can all use a little levity today after yesterday's tragic news about Heath Ledger.

It's a reality-tv-maker's market these days, now that most of the scripted programs have gone bye bye for a good long while. I just happened to stumble upon Carnie Wilson on the Today Show this morning, stumping on behalf of her new show on CMT, Gone Country. If you didn't already know, CMT stands for Country Music Television.

Now, assuming you can actually FIND CMT (it was channel 140 on my NYC Timewarner lineup), this might be worth checking out. It's got kind of a Surreal Life meets American Idol feel to it. The premise is that a bunch of "established musicians" live in a house together, go through some challenges, and the winner gets an opportunity to possibly record and release a country song.

All I know is Carnie Wilson had to room with Bobby Brown.

I'm a little dubious after viewing the clip below because it's a little bit of a snoozer, but I might check it out anyway, if only to see what shenanigans Bobby Brown is involved in (if you are receiving this via email you may need to go to my site directly to view). I mean, the show DOES also include a Brady.



By the way, what's with all the ATV riding on reality shows all of a sudden? Last week, this was also part of a date on Rock of Love 2.

This leads me to think I should be handing out some PR distinctions of the week:

PR coup of the week: makers of ATV's
PR disaster of the week: makers of Ambien

Over His Dead Body

Like most people, I reacted with sadness at the news that Heath Ledger had died.

Then I became sadder as the (expected) throngs of media vultures descended on the scene. It's sad but true to think of all the people that will profit from his death. Next week's issues of US Magazine et al will have him on the cover with headlines like "His Secret Life" and networks like E! will produce shows like "The Last Days of Heath Ledger".

So maybe it makes me a hypocrite since, admittedly, I'm watching this stuff too...but I felt a little better about myself that I was watching CNN, and not "The Insider".

That is, until Anderson Cooper had on Dr. Drew Pinsky to 'weigh in'.

Dr. Drew is starting to veer into Dr. Phil territory.

It's just a little too...icky that by commenting on Ledger's possible overdose, Dr. Drew is helping to promote his show, Celebrity Rehab. While I'm sure Dr. Drew wouldn't wish this ill on anyone, between Brad Renfro and now Heath Ledger's passing...it just smacks of some type of Faustian bargain for the benefit of Dr. Drew's career.

And I could kind of get past it until Anderson asked him if celebrities have a higher propensity to suffer from depression. Dr. Drew was just a LITTLE too self-congratulatory proclaiming that he had published the only data (data?) about celebrities because he had administered some type of personality questionnaire to celebs that were on his radio show.

Very scientific. Does this make James Lipton a medical expert, too?

Sigh.

The Feminine Mystique

I know I'm setting my gender back about a hundred (ok, a thousand) years but feminism be damned, I'm starting to love Rock of Love 2.

Why, you ask?

I love it for the little things, like, I love that whoever cast this show carefully chose girls with the fakest sounding (or at least, fakest spelled) names on the planet. As in...Destiney, Jackye, Inna and my favorite, Ambre. No, it still SOUNDS like Amber, but it's spelled Ambre...like it should rhyme with hombre (Hombre was also the name of the cologne Joey sold on Friends. Why can I remember this yet I am unable to name former presidents in sequential order with any degree of reliability? I digress...).

I love it for Bret Michael's fake hair that looks like he skinned it off one of those giant make-me-pretty Barbie Doll heads I had as a kid.

I love that these women have the emotional maturity of corrupted teen girls, and the look of tranny hookers in lockup.

Mostly, I just laugh along with Bret. He seems totally in on the joke, has great comedic timing, and God bless him, what single guy WOULDN'T sign up for a show whose sole focus is single girls one-upping the other in sluttiness to get with him?

Ever so briefly, though, this show tugged at my heartstrings and Bret was starting to look like a potential nominee for my Norma Desmond awards. When he busted out that guitar to sing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" those girls were predictably in awe of Bret. I was too...in 1988.

And isn't that what makes us (well, some of us) so obsessed with the celebreality phenomenon? Don't we all cling a little (or a lot) to our glory days as we get older? Is F. Scott Fitzgerald right...are there no second acts?

I'm not sure, but, I think Bret will be ok. In this most recent episode, he made the girls perform a "talent" to win him over. This included a girl ironing in a bikini. He also took some girls 4-wheeling.

This might not be his second act, but he's sure enjoying the ride.

I will NOT accept this rose!

I usually reserve this site for commentary (ok, rants) directly about what's on T.V. That's why you'll never see stupid gossip about who's zooming who in Hollywood on this site.

Well, unless I see it on T.V.

But, allow me the exception today. And, since it's about Trista Rehn (or is it Trista Sutter?), the Bachelorette-fame-hanger-on-er, I think it fits the parameters of "T.V.-related".

So Trista's on the cover of US Weekly this week, and while I'm grateful it's not ANOTHER pic of Britney Spears, this is ridiculous! Her fifteen minutes are SO over, but that's not even it.

She's on the cover to promote how she lost the baby weight. US lures you inside with promises of her "exact diet & workout". And of course, me being me, even though I have no baby and therefore no baby weight, I still was curious. I'm sure this same reaction will be had by suburban moms across the country.

Then I read the first day of Trista's "diet".

(Cue the needle off the record.)

Breakfast: A bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats...with Skim Milk.

Here's a list of some of the key ingredients in Frosted Mini-Wheats: sugar, high fructose corn syrup and BHT. What's BHT you ask? It is used to prevent oxidative rancidity of fats. I don't even know what that means...but, ick! In fact, Google BHT. I dare you. It'll send you running to your cupboards to check labels immediately, but I digress.

Some of the other suggestions: grilled cheese (on whole wheat), Nestle Crunch Dibs (please, she's so getting paid off to promote these brands!) and Sunchips.

I know I'm a cynic, but puh-lease. If Trista really followed this diet to get that body, I'll eat that bikini she's wearing.

Actually, maybe not. It might be preserved with BHT.

The Talent Show

So, even though The View claims ratings are higher now than when Rosie was around, I'm a little suspicious. Lately they've had a whole lotta days "filled with hot topics". As in, NO guests. Isn't that cute? All the gals are just gonna coffee tawk it up.

Oh really?

Seems more likely to me that the ole talent bookers are having a problem booking guests. You be the judge. Just one day after a day of hot topics, the guests booked on The View were John Larroquette and Blake Lewis. Now, I realize Larroquette's on the kinda-popular Boston Legal (though he'll always be the Night Court guy to me) and Blake Lewis is (apparently) some beat-boxing American Idol dude but I'm just saying I don't think either is bumping Britney off the front page.

Am I wrong?

Speaking of American Idol, I'm toying with committing to watching it this season. I haven't watched religiously since the Clay Aiken years. It's just so much WORK. I only caught the 2nd half of Tuesday's Philadelphia auditions, but let me just say this: when Idol's good it's very very good - that girl that sold her horse to get to auditions is totally going all the way! And that nanny who sounds like Jewel and who's never been to an R movie? She's an early contender.

But when Idol is bad....it's just bad. Do people really REALLY like those bad auditions? Don't waste my time FOX. I don't want to hear the crazy rants of a Star Trek clad girl or watch some fat dude get waxed.

Please AI, just stick to the talented singers with the inspiring backstories. Bonus points if the contestant is poor, a struggling parent, or otherwise in need of a life makeover.

Finally, the talent pool over at Rock of Love Season 2 is feeling a little shallow. The premise, if you haven't heard by now, is to find a mate for Poison's Bret Michaels. Now, I never got a chance to catch much of Season 1 so this was a little new for me. I even admit I kind of enjoyed its unadulterated crazy (Oh sure, judge me. You know you'll be settling into a marathon by season's end). My only complaint is that some of that cast is beat. They can't find hotter girls for that stripper pole?

I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental about the way these girls look. After all, it ain't nothin' but a good time.

DVR Binge

Whatever you do, don't go anywhere tonight. Instead, prepare to get drunk with new content...but sadly, when you awaken tomorrow with your t.v. hangover, there is scant left to look forward to as the writer's strike forges on.

But, buck up little campers, there's no time like the present! Grab that remote and get comfy as you watch new episodes of 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy, ER (yes, dammit, watch ER, it's good! I swear! Last week they even un-earthed old character Jeanie Boulet...who in real life ran off to join Tina Turner's tour), and for a little fluff (ok, major fluff), Big Shots.

Plus, there's still lots-o-reality shows truckin' on. VH1's got the premiere of Celebrity Rehab, which sounds made up but is a real show with marginal celebs. I got a sneak peak at Episode 1, and to see what's become of Jeff Conaway (Kenickie from Grease) is tragic. Don't know that I can stomach this one. I think they should've called this show "Schadenfreude"...though perhaps they're saving that moniker for a Britney/Dr. Phil face off.

I'm going to give Celebrity Apprentice another shot, but honestly, besides Gene Simmons and that Baldwin brother, who the hell ARE these people??

Actually, Celebrity Apprentice and Celebrity Rehab both have a similar problem: when a show needs to put the word 'celebrity' in the title, it probably means they don't have anyone too major, know what I mean? Dancing with the Stars, I'm also talkin' to you!

R.I.P. Golden Globes.

Scott Baio is 46...and Scripted

*SPOILERS*

I'm a little worried. There's no one looking more forward to Season 2 Scott Baio than me, but I caught a sneak peak at the first episode (which airs Sunday, January 13th) and the producers are RUINING it!!!!

I mean, I GET it. I'm not un-cynical enough (or non-industry enough) to believe that we weren't seeing alot of scripted situations in Season 1. But, in the first episode of Season 2, which picks up moments after Scott finds out Renee is pregnant, we're supposed to believe his friends show up where he is (already miked) and his BFF Jason Hervey (THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW) is surprised to hear Renee is pregnant?

Uh, I don't think so.

I'm not even going to mention how annoying Johnny V. is or the fact that he showed up in pajamas that were clearly over his clothes. One of my other (bigger) issues is that Scott goes shopping for a house that he decides to buy on the spot.

More like VH1 forked over some cash for a bigger house to shoot in.

I love Scott, and I pledge devotion to Season 2 because I am as pathetic as all the girls he's dated over the years, but please, VH1, try to hide the puppet strings a LITTLE more? Please?

After all, Scott's no wooden boy...well, actually...Oh, forget it!

Today's Obsession

Can The Today Show please start reporting real news? This show has basically become a bunch of weight loss segments crammed between Britney Spears updates.

On Monday's show, it was particularly evident that they've completely thrown in the towel and no longer even bother to do any research or maintain anything resembling journalistic integrity. When Hota Kotb talked to the extremely hard news-based source at People Magazine, she asked about Britney: Do they know "what kind of drugs she took"? Hey Hota, how about 'allegedly' took? Do you have any tangible evidence that this chick took drugs?

She then follows up that irresponsible statement with a comment about a photo that was published of Britney's mom at a cemetery, saying, "I think she was at her parents' grave?". The dude from PEOPLE had to correct her that it was the grave of Britney's aunt, since Hota didn't so much as Google the damn info to try and get it right.

Sigh.

Actually, I don't want to be accused of being irresponsible myself. One of the Today Show's lead stories was not about weight loss OR Britney...it was about some dude who accidentally turned his skin blue.

I take it back, Today Show. Smurfs are totally news.

Have You Heard About the Lonesome Loser...?

Yes, that's me. My latest guilty pleasure is the Biggest Loser: Couples. Why?
Not because of the handy weight loss tips (What, you don't have an air balloon handy to pull across a field? It's sooooo much better than the treadmill).

Not because I like to continually marvel at trainer Bob's cro-magnum head.

And, not because I like to watch Jillian suffer through her scripted product placement (though watching her shill for Brita with a puss on her face was kinda fun).

I love the romance that I promise you will unfold this season. Paul and Kelly are a couple of exes that have teamed up to lose weight. Listen to mama, this couple will be svelte and back together by the finale. I can taste it.

And I will be front and center like a blubbering idiot.

Brittany and Bernie are two other contestants that I predict will be "together" by season's end. Brittany and Bernie were the two "home" contestants that weren't part of the normal casting process - meaning that they were the only couple who didn't know each other before being paired up. But, I can practically SEE the producers pulling the strings on these two. They sort of both have that cute-people-trapped-in-big-bodies look. I predict these two are totally gonna make out.

And it's not like I don't KNOW the producers are totally manipulating me. I don't care. Who doesn't like a little lovin'?

In fact, maybe they should rename the show "Big Love".
Uh, oops, guess that one's taken.

The '007 Trifecta

So I wanna fit in here in my inaugural year in blogger-ville, and everyone who is anyone ends the year with their faves list. I had to think about this. What were my favorite tv moments of 2007? What were those moments that made me go...did that really just happen?

Yes, these are the winners of the Watercooler Awards...or, to put it in a less politically correct way, I present to you, the WTF? Moments in Television of 2007.

**(And yes, these have spoilers, but if you haven't seen this by now you're never gonna!)**

#3 Flash Forward to Kate and Jack getting off the Island

Yes, Lost got off track, and even I admit that as next season looms, I've forgotten alot of the juicy details that I probably should be keeping track of to figure out this whole thing. But, one thing's for sure, I'm totally coming back to watch. We now know that Jack and Kate got off the island, but at whose expense? That's good stuff.


#2 Jack helps Tracy with therapy

Alec Baldwin as Jack 'role playing' the members of Tracy's family is everything I love about 30 Rock and more. Admit it, you watched and felt a little uncomfortable. Is he REALLY saying these things? This show gives me hope that the sitcom genre is not dead, just...better.


#1 The Sopranos Don't Stop Believin'

This finale of the Sopranos was one of the most brilliant endings in history. Didn't you yell at the holder of the remote in your house? What did you doooooo? Did the power go out? Love it or hate it, people are STILL talking about this...and that means great TV.


And don't worry, we've got plenty to look forward to in January of 2008 alone. Lost returns (I haven't missed castaways this much since Gilligan's Island went off the air). Celebrities go toe to toe on The Apprentice. I'm sorry, I meant "celebrities". And BOTH Sex and the City wannabe's, Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle are coming.

Happy New Year!!!!!

Putting their Eggs in Trump's Basket

For a second you probably thought Rosie and the Donald were having a love child. Now THERE'S a reality show in the making! But no, that's not what we're talking about here.

These are desperate times...at the networks. As the strike roars on, the original programs are almost all gone. So, NBC isn't screwing around. They long for the days when Seinfeld and Friends ruled the roost instead of clinging to Howie Mandel as their ticket out of bad-ratings-ville, but, let's face it, reality shows are now their bread and butter (this means you Biggest Loser!).

Actually, maybe bread and butter is the wrong metaphor here, but you get the gist.

Scrappy NBC announced Celebrity Apprentice was set to debut Jan 10th, so ABC thew up their last new Grey's Anatomy episode against it to well, excuse the phrase, cock block NBC.

Within hours, NBC moved up Celebrity Apprentice to January 3rd so their competition would be repeats. I love this! Good old fashioned network wars. In fact, by the time you read this, the schedule could've changed AGAIN. Whatcha gonna doooooooo, Donald, cry??!?!?!

In this corner, the Peacock. In the other corner, a Mouse.

Who is YOUR money on?

Teen Pregnancy is Having the Best Week Ever!

Ok, so I don't actually work for VH1, but the show is not on this week, and I feel compelled to carry on the torch.

Teen pregnancy is like, totally in y'all - so daddys, you bettah lock up your daughters cuz gettin' knocked up is all the rage.

First, JUNO is suddenly the film to see. This movie, about - you guessed it- teen pregnancy is already getting a zillion award nominations. People are TALKING about it, but that's nothing compared to....

Jamie Lynn Spears?!

So, um, yeah, Nickelodeon is in a bit of a PICKLE as to what to do about promoting new episodes of her squeaky clean show, Zoey 101. But, lest you worry about what Jamie will do for cash if Zoey is no more, no problem, y'all! OK! Magazine is gonna pony up a cool million for baby pix.

And on a totally RANDOM note, Blair from The Facts of Life has apparently weighed in on the subject, supporting Jamie Lynn's 'choices'. I have to admit, I wanna know how this goes. Is there a special media hotline for ex-stars? Who do they call to issue these statements?! Can I call this number?

Whatever. Anyway, this totally would never have happened to Tootie.

Sobering Reality

I'm having withdrawls. I need Scott Baio is 45...and Single to start soon.

I was hoping to get you (or at least, me) a sneak peek at season 2 because I think it's important to start building the excitement for season 2 NOW. Our dear Scotty just had a baby...let the hijinks ensue!

So many burning questions about season 2 - Will it be called Scott Baio is 46...and not really single? Will Renee still have that creepy haircut? Will Erin Moran be his nanny?

Well, no previews for you yet, but I thought you'd enjoy this little ditty - a clip from a 1980 afterschool special called "The Boy Who Drank Too Much".

There are so many things I love about this clip.

First, I love that the alcohol counselor could totally be played by Matthew McConaughey.

I love the girl over Lance Kerwin's left shoulder who is totally overacting behind him and desperately trying to emote and make this her big break as Lance delivers his speech.

I love that the name of Scott Baio's character in this is "Buff Saunders". Surprisingly, this NAME is the closest he's come to porn...well, unless they were rolling at the Playboy Mansion.

I love that Scott Baio's shirt is unbuttoned so far down it looks like he is auditioning for American Gigolo, which coincidentally came out the same year.

Cheers!


Unfortunately for Lance Kerwin, his tv career allegedly ended after...well...he drank too much.

McCarthyism

Andrew McCarthy is coming to TV.

Actually, turns out, he's been there for awhile. Imagine my surprise when I found out he's going to be on the upcoming "Lipstick Jungle" since I'd already seen the promo for it and didn't notice him. Has he gone the way of Jennifer Grey? Do you REMEMBER when she was on Friends as Mindy, Rachel's old friend and no one realized it was her because of that botched nose job? That's what I think might be happening with Andrew. He's been quietly on a bunch of shows and movies of the week-ish looking things over the years, apparently, and I missed them all. Hmmm. I smell a Nip/Tuck cameo, if ya know what I mean. Maybe it's just me, but that is NOT the same face of the brat pack boy I knew.

Which brings me to my next issue with the marketing of Andrew McCarthy 2.0. Whatever network exec is sending out the press release for this show is listing him as Andrew McCarthy from the "Joy Luck Club". When you think of Andrew McCarthy, do you think of the JOY LUCK CLUB???!

You might think, "His name is Blaine? That's a major appliance, not a name!"
You might think, chain smoking and breaking the shower with Ally Sheedy.
And, let's face it, you definitely think, "Weekend at Bernies".

But NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE is associating ANDREW MCCARTHY with Joy Luck Club. NO ONE I tell you!

Anyway, you be the judge. This show isn't coming out for awhile yet, but here's a peek at all-growed-up Andrew McCarthy. He's the one with that annoying girl that was married to Steve on 90210:


He did totally rock in Mannequin.

Knocked Up

Two little curveballs have been thrown my way this week regarding the paternity of a child.

Or have they?

Relax, I'm not on Maury, and I ain't talkin' 'bout no baby daddy of mine. I AM however, talking about two shows: October Road & Brothers and Sisters.

*SPOILERS*

First, Ken Olin appeared at the end of Brothers and Sisters this week. If you don't remember, he and Patricia Wettig (who plays Holli Harper) starred together on "Thirtysomething". His brief scene, where he drops in on Holli at her office featured a seemingly OBVIOUS moment where he sees Rebecca's picture and Holli seems to OBVIOUSLY brush off his inquiry about the OBVIOUSLY placed GIANT pic of Rebecca. Isn't it OBVIOUS? That Rebecca's dad is really Michael Steadman? (Sorry, that was a little inside for you boomer Thirtysomething fans.) So, what I mean is, Ken Olin is OBVIOUSLY her dad, right? Or is he? I venture to say that we'll all be kept wondering about this for awhile. I love a good red herring. Yum.

Meanwhile, over on October Road, we've been teased for a few weeks with Eddie Latekka's seemingly BIG SECRET in the ads. "We gotta tell him". "I have something to tell you and you aren't gonna like it". Whatever the BIG SECRET is, the tv people sure want us to think it's something huge. Is Nick Garrett really Sam's father? They've made it SEEM like that all season. OR, in a shocking plot twist, do they want us to think Eddie Latekka's the dad? And who exactly is the "THEY" that will be writing all this stuff given the strike??!

I digress.

I don't know who Rebecca's dad is. I don't know who Sam's dad is. But one thing I DO know is that babies sure are a groovy plot device. Remember how shocked you were when Rachel on Friends turned out to be the preggers one?

Listen, as long as there are movies and television, there will be plots spun around babies. Fake babies, kidnapped babies, lost babies, wanting a baby...but let's be honest, it's those mysterious baby daddies that always get us.

This means YOU, Darth Vader.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Pop culture has yielded a whole lotta slang words and phrases, and many of them have come out of TV. The other day, I got to thinking, how DO these things catch on? Sometimes, it's unexpected (How YOU doin'?), sometimes it's just so DAMN funny it's destined to enter the lexicon (Stop looking at my VA JAY JAY!), and sometimes, well, sometimes a
BRO-MANCE is just a bro-mance.

But I wanna scream "Where's the beef?" when writers/celebs try to force these things at us, hoping it'll become the next "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?"

On Oprah the other day, she did (shocker) a show on weight loss. On this show, she decided to deem these women "She-ro's". Get it? They are WOMEN and they are HEROES so they are SHE-RO's. What's worse is that she kept reminding us that this is now like, a thing, on Oprah. Heroic women are now called She-ro's. I'm not sure putting down that hoagie warrants heroism (some smaller pants, maybe), but all I know is I haven't found a made up word this annoying since Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw exclaimed that everyone's got S.S.B.

Oh, sorry...that's Secret Single Behavior for you amateurs. D'oh!

Oprah, you're so good at so many things - getting people to buy books, getting presidents elected... but let's face it, you're not getting new words into Webster's. Cross it off your to-do list.

Can you please instead focus your energy on something IMPORTANT?
If you could resurrect SNIGLETS, well that would be legen - Wait for it - dary.

What the (Whole Wide) World Needs Now, is Love, Sweet Love

Some thoughts on the finale of my guilty pleasure, The Bachelor:

*Spoilers*

I can't say I blame Brad for dumping Jenni. I'm sorry, anyone who uses the phrase "the whole wide world" after age eight (as in, verbatim: "if Brad were to get down on one knee and propose to me, I'd be the happiest girl in the whole wide world" and "this is like, one of the worst feelings in the whole wide world) should not be getting married. To anyone.

And I am SURE she dots the "i" in Jenni with a heart.

As for Brad not picking EITHER of the two final girls, well, at least it's better than the usual fakery we endure before the eventual breakup statement is issued. Regardless, the producers went into spin mode immediately on the "After the Final Rose" followup special and trotted out Trista, Ryan and their new baby to show how successful the show is. That's one marriage in 11 seasons. Not sure I'd be psyched if a doctor told me I had a 1 in 11 chance to live.

I'm just saying.

Award for Best Use of Hyperbole: Chris Harrison to the Bachelor: "Everyone in America has a thousand questions for you".

What's up, Doc?

I've spent so much time watching medical shows over the years that I could probably get a job as a...well, candy striper, at least. I know ER has been around for 100 seasons but, I'm telling you, just because at this age they might wanna shift from the ER to the geriatics ward doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it!

There's one reason to watch right now: Maura Tierney.

*Spoilers*

Maura's (MARRIED) character Abby Lockhart has hit the bottle again and this week's episode featured her hitting rock bottom. After too many cocktails, Abby winds up in bed with Stanley Tucci's Dr. Moretti. I mean, after her performace, I felt like I was the one who had gone on a bender and (accidentally when I was drunk) cheated on my husband with Stanley Tucci. Luka is back next week, so it's gonna be good. Add it to your list of (relationshippy-posing-as) medical shows, if you have one. We'll have to forgive ER for stealing the same storyline that Grey's started last season (on Grey's, George fails his boards, now we got that annoying Morris character on ER failing his boards).

Meanwhile, Grey's is bound to pick up now that it's sweeps (strike notwithstanding). It's meandering along, but the Derek/Meredith heat of yesterday has become ho-hum. I'm hanging in, but please give Patrick Dempsey something to do! By the way, did you know Patrick Dempsey was a finalist once upon a time for House (speaking of medical shows)? I digress...the danger of watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Patrick Dempsey while trying to post.

Private Practice isn't so bad. It's basically Grey's Anatomy Lite. You're not going to a high off it, but it ain't gonna hurt you, either.

So I don't watch House OR Scrubs. Sue me for malpractice. All I'm saying is, check out (actually, check INTO) ER. See how Abby is operating in a most disturbing (but fun for us to watch!) way:

Writer...blocked!

I've missed you all. Hopefully, you've missed me.

I'm here to tell you something you may already know: Timewarner Cable is the devil (guess I've kissed any future jobs there goodbye...oops).

For the past two weeks (!) I've had to deal with intermittent non-functioning cable and internet (thus my disappearing act). I know this seems not possible, but it's true. Last night, I was filled with glee hearing that it was (finally) fixed. I burst through the door knowing that I would not have to endure any more silence (the absence of white noise was killing me). So I put on the tv...and...everything's in SPANISH. I couldn't really make this stuff up. Muy mal.

Anyhoo, it's finally fixed, which is good for them because I was about to go all Michael Moore on their ass.

Well, I'm back up and ready to blog away, hungry for the coming holiday...no, not that one, though I do love me some turkey. It's time for SWEEPS!!!!! My favorite time of year! I have so much to catch up on, but now, with the writer's strike, who knows what we'll be seeing.

I can tell you that the previously planned November debut of Cashmere Mafia is already officially on hold so that ABC can launch (hopefully) in the new year. Oh, and by the way, October Road is also supposed to come back with a 2nd season debut end of November (is it just me or should they have debuted, well, in OCTOBER?). I haven't heard of it being impacted...yet.

I know it's hard, kids, what with our favorite shows in jeopardy and all, but we must support the strike. Writers deserve their proper piece of the pie, too, ya know....because without their words, frankly, there's nothing left to say.

Actually, the sun will NOT come out tomorrow...

So, in honor of Halloween, I thought I'd dig you up a spooky treat.
Nope, not where to find the latest marathon of "Omen" movies, or "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".

Tune in to Showtime to see "Life After Tomorrow".

This actually aired last year, but it's been, well, resurrected...and it's kinda scary. How you ask?

It's forty women all unified by the fact that nothing in their lives has ever compared to performing in Annie at age ten(ish). Now THAT's scary.

Add into the mix an interview with some old dude who shows off his massive collection of Annie memorabilia and then proclaims that, um, he's not a pedofile, by the way. He just thinks Annie stuff is super cool. So there. Scarier?

Actually, the doc is pretty fascinating, and kinda sad. It's a cautionary tale that draws you in much the way we've all seen (and watched in a can't help it sort of way) so many child stars fall by the wayside.

Of course, there are exceptions to this large group of contend-ah's. I'll betcha they used as much of the Sarah Jessica Parker interview (clearly their ace in the credibility hole) as they could possibly throw in. And even SJP is wistful for the days of her former hard knock life.

Here's a little sample. And I'd like to nominate the whole group for the Norma Desmond Hall of Fame awards....

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Once in a Lifetime

There are those certain movies that, when they pop up on TV, you can't turn them off. It doesn't matter how many MILLIONS of times you've seen them (or even if they are necessarily good), you still can't change the channel. Rocky (1-4). Cocktail. ANY John Hughes movie.

And then there's Pretty Woman.

Most gals I know can pretty much recite that movie by heart. And, in fact, no matter that in my case, the DVD might be literally sitting NEXT TO the TV. I can't change the channel. It's the same logic that keeps me watching Sex and the City re-runs night after night. (Those DVD's are also in close proximity to my TV.)

HOWEVER..this does not lessen the fury I feel at Lifetime for the shocking editing decision they made in THEIR airing of Pretty Woman. I get it. I know the TV-version of movies gets dubbed or cuts are made for time. But let's keep it real, folks, and put some thought into these choices.

In their infinite wisdom, they cut into arguably the most iconic scene in the movie (and so beloved by fans): the Julia Roberts shopping scene. I don't have to tell you that Richard Gere marching Julia Roberts into the store to make up for her horrid day of being unable to shop (!) is a great moment. But, the folks at Lifetime decided this was not important, apparently. In THEIR version, after Gere hears she had a rough time shopping, they cut right to the montage of Roberts trying on clothes. No hilarious Larry Miller sucking up. No Julia Roberts spitting gum on the sidewalk. Just Roy Orbison-themed clothing shots.

What's next? Will they buy Rocky 2 and cut out Apollo and Rocky climbing the ropes to the finish? Chop out Molly Ringwald getting the guy in Sixteen Candles?

I just can't take this kind of cinematic blasphemy lying down, so, here's the scene as it SHOULD have aired. Oh, and Lifetime folks, do me a favor, please don't colorize my black and white movies, either.

Somewhere in Time

On Sunday evening, as I was finishing some very un-fun financial stuff, I was doing my usual 11th hour quest for last minute info and was in dire need of some old billing statements. When I finally got a customer service rep on the phone, I was told that older statements could not be accessed because they are kept elsewhere on...microfiche.

Microfiche?!

Remember microfiche? I was, understandably, confused. Had I been on hold so long that I'd fallen down some rabbit hole and into 1984? Had I called customer service from a rotary phone? Remember going to the library to do a report and having to access microfiche? Now, that's not to confuse MICROFICHE with MICROFILM, which incidentally seems to be a very important plot point in alot of 80's soap operas and spy movies.

Anyway, I have not accessed the microfiche OR microfilm of my elusive financial records. However, it did put me in a nostalgic mood. And for those of you who want to travel back with me, you should really check out www.tvland.com.

TV Land has just added all kinds of fun stuff. You can procrastinate for hours! Full episodes of Leave it to Beaver (including the pilot with a different Wally and Ward!) and countless video clips can keep you entertained for as long as you need to avoid any real work. Click on the link below to see a classic Cheers moment from 20 years ago. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy that tv dinner.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid187784359/bclid230403154/bctid313013547

J on the down Lo

I love those big pop culture moments, the ones that take place on late night talk and get you running to the water cooler the next day.

There's the vintage: Drew Barrymore flashing Letterman....Hugh Grant gets caught with a hooker and tells all on Jay Leno ("What the hell were you thinking?").

There's the recent: David Letterman grilling Paris Hilton about prison (just kill me now that I am, again, mentioning Paris Hilton).

And then there's now.

When I heard that Jennifer Lopez was going to be on Letterman, I thought, "She's going to announce she is preggers! Finally!" But, sadly, I was robbed. She and Dave did do the subtle baby dance discussion, but in the end...it was nuthin'.

I hate being wrong.

Well, announcing a pregnancy on Letterman didn't really work out so well for Britney, so, maybe Jenny from the Block was worried about a jinx. Or maybe she's not even pregnant.

None of this is really my problem. The real problem is...NOW what am I gonna talk about at the water cooler???

I miss Bennifer.

Adding Insult to Injury

It's my fault. I knew you were all wrong for me but I keep coming back for more. It's just that I want to find true love.

But damn you Bachelor, you are a dirty dog and you keep lying to me!

Monday night's episode was especially ridiculous. The "accident" that they'd been gleefully touting in the trailers was some poor OLD girl (she's 30!) who slipped on the stairs. Some producer is totally fired because there were no shots of said fall. Then, because The Bachelor was on a Group Date, the producers had to make sure Bachelor boy was in the loop. So, instead of having some dramatic producer on-camera intervention (remember the good old days on the Real World when they would do something like that when someone was an alcoholic or an abuser?), they created a faux call...I mean a phone call.

Clocking in at 16 seconds, the transcript went like this:
Ring!
This is Brad.
Are you kidding?
I just want you to be ok
I'll be thinking about you tonight and I hope you're ok
Alright, bye.

The staged phone call did not lead to the group of girls with the Bachelor rushing to see Injured Gal, or even asking if she was ok...they were instead wondering aloud: How did she get your phone number? If she has a concussion how is she calling you?

After virtually no contemplation of this 'crisis', one enterprising chick seized the opportunity to move on from this seconds long diversion to get more alone time with Brad the Bachelor. Later, alone time turned out to be NOT a friend to Michele the Injured Gal.

Michele returns a few scenes later with a fleeting reference to her injury. No tearful reunions, no bedside confessions...she's just back and one gal expresses sadness on her behalf that Michele can't participate in all the bikini wearing date stuff [my words, but that's the gist].

We never do find out much about what DID happen to Michele, but when she finally gets her one-on-one time with the Bachelor, she babbles about being so old (again 30) and saying how she's not rushing to have a baby. He then of course rewards her by not giving her a rose and she cries about it.

Michele, don't be sad that Brad didn't want to see you again. Smash that head of yours back down the stairs once more so it knocks some sense into you.

Mr. Big (s)

This past week, ABC rolled out both Dirty Sexy Money AND Big Shots, both [not to oversimplifiy it] about rich guys. But, Big Shots is about much HOTTER rich guys, and is much campier, escapist fare. Dirty Sexy Money is pretty campy, too, but it feels like it might *try* to be more serious. My problem with it though is that the characters were such cliches...I mean that kid that played Jeremy Darling, the drug addict rich kid? He was SO some kind of sad Less than Zero parody. I'm going to give it a [big] shot, though, probably because I'm brainwashed by ABC's PR machine. They seem to have more of THEIR dirty sexy money behind this one. You can already go to their site and see a full episode, and at least here in NYC, the billboards are EVERYWHERE.

Regardless, Big Shots just got me right away. True, it's just the male Desperate Housewives, but it's pure sug-ah, especially with the one two punch of Dylan McDermott AND Michael Vartan, who both look like they've stepped out of a Bruce Weber ad. The dialogue is snappy and fun, and I can't wait to see what happens next week on this soapy soap.

Moving around the dial, I also checked out Life. I'm kind of into it, though I was absolutely annoyed to the point of distraction by the shooting style of the inserted "documentary" pieces that are used as a storytelling device. If you're not familiar, this is NBC's offering about a wrongly accused cop who goes to jail for murder, then is freed years later with a gazillion dollar settlement and becomes a cop again. It's worth a second look.

And, not to leave the gals out, I also gave Bionic Woman a chance. Also heavily hyped, I wanted to like it even though it's not my typical fare. I couldn't get into it, and frankly wasn't really sure what was going on half the time. But, the plot went something like this [I think]: girl gets in car accident that may or may not really be an accident with boyfriend and is brought to some Lost-ish medical facility where she gets all of her bionic parts. Then we find out her boyfriend is in on it, the people there want her to fight crime, or commit crime...I'm not really sure. Then some other bionic dissenter wants to kill her and/or her boyfriend who may or may not also be a criminal. Mostly, all of these people seemed to very baaaaaaad people. I think.

Oh, and Miguel Ferrer, aka George Clooney's cousin, is in it. Don't ask me why I know this.

Oh Deer

*Grey's Anatomy Spoilers*

I am worried.

I love Grey's Anatomy. I love it for the palpable angst that used to be present every time Derek, Meredith and Addison rode an elevator. But now, Addison rides talking elevators in another hospital. Oh, wait, they took that stupid element out of "Private Practice"....but either way she's gone.

Anyway, at the heart of any great drama, we really need the 'will they or won't they make it' of the core couple, in this case, Meredith and Derek. But the writers got them together too quick, then panicked and now I'm so confused why they 'broke up' in the first place. So I spent most of the first episode trying to remember if/why they broke up. I still can't really say, but I guess it has something to do with Meredith's inability to be normal. Or something.

Further bumming me out is the introduction of the new interns and Meredith's sister. I really hope all of these generic new characters aren't a permanent fixture, and yes that includes Meredith's sister. Maybe like Meredith said in her VO...I just don't like change.

But, worst of all is that the writers [I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Grey's writers, please don't hold this against me someday when I beg you for a job] spent the whole first episode trying soooo hard to write quippy dialogue and overblown inspiring monologues that they forgot to deal with the heart of the matter. And, I'm sorry, that Izzy saving a deer storyline? Did I miss it? When the deer jumped up did it ACTUALLY jump over a shark?

Sigh. I don't wanna hate on Grey's. I just miss the angst. Previews for next week do hold out hope for me with the Izzy/George/Callie triangle.

And, it's not ALL bad. I did really enjoy Mark Sloan's doe-eyed man-love speech to Derek.

That made me feel like Grey's Anatomy has still got some game.

Letterman's Ladies

It's been said that back in the old days, young comedians appearing for the first time on Johnny Carson would hope and pray that they'd get invited to sit on the couch after their stand-up routine. A simple nod from Johnny was considered approval and could change careers.

These days, I've noticed another barometer of success on late night TV when it comes to Carson disciple David Letterman. I'm not sure this changes careers, or has an impact on anyone other than JUST ME, but now, maybe you will play this little game along with me when you watch.

I am of the opinion that when it comes to his female guests, it's very simple to determine if Dave likes you or not. If Dave likes you, then the interview is capped off with a kiss to the hand.

I've gotten good at this. I can usually guess as I watch how it's going to go. On Tuesday night, Kate Walsh came on to promote Private Practice, but because she yammered away on a rehearsed story about her wedding, Dave really didn't get to engage with her. A little research showed me that this is exactly what happened last time (only the story was about a contractor, not her wedding). So, I knew it was coming...the hand kiss snub. Sorry Kate, Dave's just not that into you.

But, surprisingly, he seems to have a soft spot for the wild gals, the troubled kids. Lindsay? Always gonna get a kiss. Drew Barrymore's a legend there, but, that might be because of her infamous flashing incident. Even Paris Hilton. PARIS HILTON! She's so annoying and yet, Dave kind of digs it cuz it gives him something to play off of.

But don't take my word for it. Compare Kate Walsh's interview from last night and the pre-prison interview of Paris from earlier this year [I forgive you in advance if you cannot sit through nine minutes of Paris Hilton to help me prove my point].

Paris is also going to be on this Friday from an appearance taped earlier in the week. Rumor has it she was really pissed that Dave gave her such a hard time...but to my ears that sounds like an interview worthy of a hand kiss to me!

A Rose by any other Name

I zipped through The Bachelor last night and when I say I zipped, I mean...thank GOD for DVR...but more about that later.

This is literally like the 100th season, and I'm not sure how it's still on the air, but there are some elements that SEEM to be a constant...I believe I've identified the top 5:

5. The girl that gets smashed and makes a fool out of herself.
4. The subsequent meltdown over getting eliminated, natch.
3. The Bachelor's repeated assurances in VO that he WILL find his wife.
2. CATFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the #1 Bachelor tool? I mean device, I wasn't calling this new Bachelor guy a tool...ok, maybe I was...

1. The teaser that gives us a glimpse of a DRAMATIC accident...complete with ambulance and/or police cruisers.

How many seasons can this happen? Are we supposed to actually believe it? Desperate for ratings, I suspect a producer probably kicked one of those girls down the stairs.

Anyhoo...this season, it does seem a bit different the way these gals spend all of episode one performing nothing less than circus tricks to get the attention of the Bachelor. One girl actually showed off her WEBBED toes. I'm not sure why she did this, but they should've put THAT in the ads! Then we'd all get along..um, swimmingly.

Over on Dancing with the Stars...some shows are DESIGNED FOR DVR. This is one of them. I really just wanted to see the "Where are they now?" backstories of the contestants...and in an hour and a half they only got through half the contestants as it was only the women. I got through the whole show (thank you DVR!) in about 10 minutes. Jane Seymour signed some sort of deal with the devil to look that good at 56.

There's ANOTHER hour and a half episode tonight, but I don't think I can watch.

They didn't lure me with any ambulances....

Must See Monday

After all of these weeks of suffering, Premiere Week is finally here. Thank God. I almost had to start reading.

First up, ABC's dishing up some serious reality tv. Dancing with the Stars is on at 8pm. I just can't commit this season. Too many hours! There's the show, then the recap of the show, then the recap of the recap...my DVR just cannot accommodate it all. I mean, of course I'll peak at it. Gotta see what the latest 90210-er is up to, how Scary Spice fares...but of course the REAL reason I'll tune in a little is to see...Albert Reed.

I mean I'll tune in to see WHO Albert Reed is. Maybe the title should be "Dancing With SOME Stars".

If you're not too cha cha'd out, you can watch the 87th season of The Bachelor at 9:30pm. This season, it appears they've drafted a college dropout/bar owner as The Bachelor. Remember when they'd at least pretend to make the guy seem rich and important? Note to the producers: Bring back The Bachelorette! Your target audience is desperate single 30-something women, and they (ok, we) don't want to see some guy choose some 22-year old drunk idiot to be his "wife".

But... we totally wanna see a bunch of hot guys competing and live vicariously through the gal that gets to choose him.

Enough with the reality wasteland. Just make sure you watch "How I Met Your Mother" at 8pm on CBS. If you weren't already watching the last 2 seasons, you were missing out. It is - wait for it - awesome.

I See Dead People

I have always been obsessed with the dead people montage at awards shows for several reasons, and Sunday night's Emmy telecast was no exception. The first reason for my obsession is, there's always that "Oh my God, he died?!" factor, as in...that kid from the Jefferson's died? Larry Bud Melman just died this year? Tom Poston died? Lily Munster died????

The other oddity of the dead people montage is that it's this bizarro posthumous popularity contest, so it's always morbidly interesting to see who the producers decide is the corpse with the most cache. This year, Merv Griffin was deemed dearest departed...no big surprise he was saved for last. But, isn't it weeeeeeeeeeird the way some of the dead people get more applause than others, or that many don't get applause at all? And why is the audience clapping?! These people are dead! Sit there and feel BAD like you are supposed to!

This year, there was some added weirdness. First, the fact that the dead people montage came right out of Sally Field's censored [over-rehearsed] speech left us still grappling with a "What's going on?" feeling, as in, why are they cutting to that non-descript dark wide shot of nothing to cover up whatever they are censoring? Is "Don't Stop Believin'" gonna come on now? Is David Chase involved?

So I was a little discombobulated that there was no classy "Here's the people that died" intro and had to readjust my concentration when the "In Memoriam" hit the screen next. Luckily, the super duper smart producers put up a nice sky with clouds graphic behind all of the dead people so you'd know they were dead people and that they were, I assume, in heaven.

The other oddity of the night was that early on, there was a montage of late night talk show one-liners, and then all of a sudden it morphed from funny to all of the late nighters talking about how sad they were Tom Snyder died. But, Tom Snyder ALSO got billing in the Dead People Montage.

Does that mean that Tom Snyder aced out Merv Griffin for Best Dead Person Emmy after all?

Boob Tube

Just as I'd prayed for in my February 24th posting, Sherri Shepherd has joined The View, and frankly, not a moment too soon. So far, the addition of Whoopi Goldberg has yielded a discussion on how she doesn't like to wear a bra, followed by an entire segment about finding Whoopi a bra.

If this is what the future of The View looks like, I'm thinking the picture is not too ROSIE. Sherri's got some sass though, and I am hopeful she's going to spice things up.

Meanwhile, over at The Today Show, that fourth hour is everything I feared. It's just fluff fluff fluff. Literally. One of today's highlights in journalisim featured a lengthy segment on curly hair vs. straight hair. Seriously? I smell Emmy!
At least Matt Lauer has the good judgment to hightail it outta there before that hour begins lest he be dragged into that embarrassing coffee klatch.

Gimme a Break

Britney, Britney, Britney. Unless you've been under a rock, or worse...don't care about pop culture...you've heard by now all the hype leading up to Britney's "comeback" performance of her new single "Gimme More" at the MTV VMA's. Such a great opportunity for her to turn the beat around...so to speak.

Sadly, the girl that showed up Sunday night looked like she was miming her way through a rehearsal, save for the skimpy clothes that showed off her desperately makeup-airbrushed body which is suffering from severe Cheeto's abuse. Also, couldn't this gazillionaire afford to cover up her underarm stubble?

For weeks we've heard that she was collaborating with Criss Angel, which led me to believe she'd at least appear from a puff of smoke or something??! Perhaps his magic trick was getting her to channel Milli Vanilli?

If I were her advisor (and, let's face it, thank GOD I'm not), that girl would've popped magically out of somewhere in her REAL hair. C'mon it's gotta be as long as her idol Madonna's in 'Open Your Heart'! Natalie Portman and Mena Suvari have rocked some serious head shaving and made it cool. It's time for some serious re-invention, not this weird aging sad copy of her old self.

Still trying to figure out the Criss Angel connection....wait, I got it! I just realized that Britney DID collaborate with Criss Angel on this performance. Just like magic, her career just disappeared!!

Food for Thought

When are we gonna beeeeeeeeee there? Labor Day is over, and now we're in that odd pre-fall season no-man's land of nothing to watch for a few more weeks.

Don't worry little campers, I'll help you find something to pass the time. I'm not gonna force you to get outside and enjoy the waning nice weather.

First off, Tuesday night boasts a special "The Biggest Loser". While the premiere episode of the new season doesn't start till Sept 11th, you can at least check out a 'Where are they now?' update show. So, if you're a skinny optimist, you can watch and hope all those contestants have stayed svelte. Or, if you're a porky pessimist, you can feel better about yourself knowing that they couldn't keep it off, either. See, don't you feel better already about that 2nd burger you had at the Labor Day BBQ?

Tuesday is also Whoopi's first day on The View. Her first guest is Danny DeVito. No word on whether Whoopi has a new "get hammered with the guests" segment...but that sure would be fun!

Finally, Wednesday, Matt Lauer and Larry King are both claiming EXCLUSIVE interviews with Bill Clinton. I guess we should watch both cuz he's hawking his new book to show us how to change the world...um, that's kind of a lot of pressure but, ok.

Anyhoo, we'll get through these next 20 days together, somehow...1 show at a time. In the meantime, just sleep soundly knowing Scott Baio is 45...and Single Season 2 is already in production....

Tomorrow on TODAY...

This has been bothering me for awhile now. Years in fact. And now it's time to let it ruin YOUR Today Show viewing experience, too.

Unless it's...JUST ME.

Always a bridesmaid Ann Curry often steps up to be co-anchor when Meredith is away...the same way she did when Katie was away. How come EVERY FREAKING TIME, Matt Lauer is clearly contractually obligated to qualify her as "sitting in for Meredith..." on the half hour. WE GET IT!!!! We don't need an overview of The Today Show org chart at 30 minute intervals. Plus, it's sort of painful to watch it get rubbed in Ann's face that SHE IS NOT THE REAL CO-HOST on a regular basis. The madness doesn't stop there. When Ann fills in for Meredith, then we have to hear Ann say who is filling in for her at the News Desk every half hour too, lest we think she has vacated her seat permanently....and so on and so on and so on.

I don't care what your job description is, just cue up the next makeover/splurge vs. steal segment and get on with it! The show wouldn't need to be 4 hours long if you didn't eat up all the time with this nonsense!

I still heart Matt Lauer.

Oh Bai-bio

*Spoiler Alert*

So the worst secret in reality tv was revealed on the finale of "Scott Baio is 45...and Single" on Sunday night. He and girlfriend Renee are having a baby.

This show came out of the gate strong, and has been good but could've been great. And yup, I can't stop watchin' the Chach, which is why I'll be shocked if there is not another season chronicling Scott: the new dad and newlywed. I anxiously await that announcement, or else I'll go produce it myself, cuz it's sooooooo watchable!

Now, here's what detracts from the show being great:

-I didn't really need forty seven thousand not so subtle Sidekick product placements throughout the finale. All the text messages that Scott got flaunting the voice technology of his new phone and his Huey Lewis ring was so distracting and irritating it made me long for the days when the only time a song would come on at random like that was when the Fonz would hit a jukebox.

-Jason Hervey, aka Wayne Arnold from the Wonder Years. He is an Exec Producer, yet we dumb viewers are expected to believe every time Scott tells him some new aspect of his life coaching, we have to pretend we don't know he's orchestrating the whole thing. In the finale, the whole over-compensating scene with Jason feigning surprise at the "graduation" date and inability to attend was just so fake!

-File under creepy. Ok, this might actually be a pro, not a con, cuz once again it's a car accident I can't turn away from but Renee and Julie McCullough together? Two identical Stepford Barbie dolls. Ick. Scott has such a weird, predictable fetish.

...But, at the end of the day, what makes this show so great is Scott's total in-on-the-joke awareness and self-deprecating manner. Even though I don't really believe a lot of what I'm seeing, they sell it pretty well. What makes you sucked in is the genuine (seeming) candor Scott speaks with. When Jason suggested Scott go see his cousin, attorney Laura Wasser, because she's the lawyer all the big celebrities use, you gotta love Scott for his quick retort: "If I become a big celebrity again, I'll get her" . And his outburst "I wanna be 30!" is just so real. C'mon, as we get older, we all long once in awhile for our glory days. I'm sucked in, like it or not.

And hey, imagine this: if it's not real, then he actually is a hell of an actor...which is pretty damn ironic isn't it?!!!

Wah, Wah, Wah!

NO STARS

Chalking it up to a necessary evil as part of my research as a tv anthropologist, I watched the 2nd episode of the new Star Jones talk show. This airs on Court TV, which is soon to be called Tru TV, but it should be called Lies TV cuz that's what I got.

I was sorry I missed the premiere, because I did want to see Isaiah Washington discuss (AGAIN!) all the injustice in the world that caused his firing from Grey's Anatomy. So, I was excited that at the top of the show on day 2, Star promised more from the Isaiah interview. She continued to tease the interview throughout the episode, but then never showed the footage. She then in the final seconds made no apologies, no "we ran out of time"...just gave a lame "we'll show it tomorrow" shrug of the shoulders and that was that. I'm not going to talk about how the whole thing had the production value of cable access, or how she's ripped off The View by copying the Hot Topics segment and thrown together a random (badly dressed) panel to mimic The View cross-talk.

No need to mention that one of panelists on The View ripoff was Paula Froelich from PAGE SIX of the NY Post. Isn't Star Jones' alleged sham of a marriage and general bitchy behavior routine fodder for the tabs? Seems odd this chick is her friend...or maybe Star keeps her name out of the papers by giving Paula a job. Hmm, sounds just like a politician.

Did I also mention she named the hot topics thing SHE TV, and the SHE was an acronym for something Star realllllly wants you to remember because they kept up the helpful graphic for like 40 minutes, like there'd be a quiz later, after the Isaiah interview? Good thing there was no interview with Isaiah, cuz I would've failed the quiz. I already forgot what SHE stood for. Stupid Horrifying Egomaniac maybe?

All of that doesn't even matter because the bigger issue is that this show has as much focus as Lindsay Lohan after an 8-ball.
Jam packed into the hour (not including of course the fake teases to the Isaiah interview) were alllllll of these random topics:

Whether Hillary Clinton should be judged by her wardrobe
Dating your friend's man: Ok or not Ok?
Leona Helmsley's life and death
Celebrity sex tapes (including an interview with Screech from Saved by the Bell)
A soldier who got someone to shoot him so he didn't have to go back to Iraq
Gratuitous footage of Star ringing the opening bell at the NASDAQ
"An Open Letter" segment where Star bitches about something, this one was about the economy and disappearing U.S. jobs

The Kitchen sink didn't make it into this show, but I assume it must've on day 3.

Oh yeah, and I also won't mention that it's probably not a good sign if on DAY TWO the biggest celeb your booker can get you is SCREECH from Saved by the Bell!!!!

Wardrobe Malfunction

Oh dear. As if NBC doesn't have enough problems, early peeks at Lipstick Jungle's promos reveal that they are in need of a new wardrobe stylist, stat! The Sex and the City wannabe (there are so many this season) boasts Brooke Shields arguably as its biggest name. Not to discount Kim Raver from 24, or that girl (Lindsay Price) that played Steve's baby mama on 90210, but let's be honest, Brooke is a legend.

So why are they dressing her like a man...no, worse, like a woman in 1998????

Everything I've seen thus far has shown her in boxy man-suits that aren't sexy at all, but worse, these promo stills have her in [needle off the record]....LEATHER PANTS!!! This is a travesty even worse than the animal print shoes they all have on that are practically special ordered from the "slutty cliche wardrobe" section at Central Casting.

I don't mean to make it "Pick on NBC" week. After all, I think getting Jerry Seinfeld to guest star on the season premiere of 30 Rock is like, the best thing ever. Now if only I didn't have to wait till October.

Yadda yadda yadda...

Only the Good Die Young

In my continuing quest to quench my thirst for some good chick tv, I finally watched the remaining (unaired) episodes of Six Degrees on-line. I realize I am possibly one of the only viewers (well, besides the cast & crew's parents maybe), but I think this show got pulled too soon. Most maddening was the fact that the last episode left so many plot points unresolved...presumably, forever. In the final scene, Peter Horton turns up as a handsome stranger next to ice-queen Bridget Moynahan's Whitney. He's a symbol of hope and even though it's literally seconds, we can think that he might've even been the next love interest.

I love me that Peter Horton from Thirtysomething! I would've liked to see that. Guess he's busy these days producing and directing little shows like Grey's Anatomy. Heard of it?

Call me a purist, but I like my chick flick shows to be wrapped up in a nice little bow: just give me my wedding (or funeral) scene and call it a day.

Then of course there's Felicity. This show had a 'fake' pseudo-finale when the characters graduated, then the network threw them a bone and let them shoot four more episodes...which yielded the BRILLIANT time travel episodes culminating with a PROPER finale that included a wedding. That was some good tv.

Well, Six Degrees is in good company. Did you know that shows like Laverne and Shirley, Diff'rent Strokes and The Jeffersons never had formal finales?

I know, I know...you're going to start bitching about the Sopranos. That doesn't count...THAT cliffhanger was planned.

Maybe I'll wake up like Bob Newhart and realize it was all just a dream.

Rhymes with Zucker

My blogger-vation is over. Did ya miss me?

For the uninitiated, Jeff Zucker is President and CEO of NBC Universal. His claim to fame, besides his rapid ascension up the tv ranks, is his PT Barnum-like knack for promotion.

These days, though, NBC is sorely lagging behind in the Must See TV category, and their Web Promotion isn't doing them any favors. As we pass these long summer days with some bad reality tv and [gasp] outdoor recreation, at least we can start preparing our Tivo's for the new shows, right? Well, sort of. Go to ABC's site: it's slick and easy to navigate and you can view previews for the fall. CBS has a fun, interactive Fall Showcase, sponsored by Tivo. But NBC?

For shame, for shame.

NBC's preview link is easy to miss, but if you find it, the link is to a TWENTY-FOUR minute fluff promo [read: we have no shows to promote] hosted by JJ Abrams favorite charity hire, Greg Grunberg.

I was still sympathetic. It must be hard to know your best days are behind you. So, I was happy to go down memory lane and visit that golden age when I saw a link to the NBC "Vault". It promised you could "relive the memories of your favorite NBC shows". Excited to indulge in some retro viewing, I was ready for links to Cheers, Family Ties...hell, even ALF! But, no. The links were to those other classics...The Apprentice and Fear Factor. Are you freaking kidding me? I feel so betrayed.

But, what else can you expect from a network whose future depends on John Stamos on the 87th season of ER. Get it together Zucker! You're also forcing the Today Show (the show that launched your career) to cannibalize itself by adding ANOTHER hour? How many makeovers can one show possibly do a week!

Oh well. In the meantime, enjoy a preview of ABC's upcoming answer to Sex and the City. And yes, in a weird twist of irony that IS the girl that played Ross' girlfriend now playing a lesbian.

Jumpin' Jack Flash (back)

80's + 90's star Whoopi Goldberg has joined The View. I guess Bawb-wa Walters figures the former Hollywood Square might add some, um, Comic Relief. I just hope she lifts The View out of its current coma.

Meanwhile, also in this very special The View edition of "Norma Desmond Award" nominee news: Star Jones is clinging to fame by announcing (now) that she had gastric bypass surgery.

Well, it's a good thing they finally did fill at least one of those slots. The ever-rotating co-host chair was filled recently with people whose names Bawb-wa couldn't even bother to learn, but the pinnacle was Babs practically choking on her own bile enduring Ross the intern's stint. Maybe she's still bitter she lost the Paris interview to that other geezer, Larry King.